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From the desk of:

General Sir Anarchy Warlock (Idiot)

Senior Commander of the Kaos Army: Black Planet

Leader of a bunch of idiots

Smartass

Military tactical idiot

Occasional best friend

BP date

Mission notes

Re: Operation

Planet:

TDW Gate: I'm not filling any of this rubbish in

So Rap's buggered off to sort out some silly sod who's having an emotional crisis or something, cause he's good at all that empathy stuff, and guess who's been pulled in to type up Big Ear's incoherent rambling?

You guessed it.

Me.

Muggins.

I'm still only a Corporal, you know. Six years of putting in for a promotion and he still hates me. Six years of having to put new recruits through basic training. I should be a Colonel by now.

Oh Gods, he's started yapping. Better look like I'm paying attention. Nod a lot. Smile a bit. I don't know if I can stretch as far as laughing at his jokes.

Look at him. Mr. Oh Look At Me, I'm So Clever. Mr. I Get To Wear A Fancy Jacket. Mr. I Get The Biggest Office. Mr. I Never Shut Up About How Great I Am.

He's an idiot. A grey idiot. With big ears. How did we end up with him? I nearly ate him, you know, all those years ago. This meteor's hurtling through the sky, yeah, and I couldn't find Rap. Anywhere. There's fire, there's panic, there's dinosaurs running about all over the place and all I see is this sudden flash of blue and I'm out on my own in this forest. No meteor, no fire, no panic. Still no Rap. Then that idiot comes round a tree looking like a snack and, somehow, I'M the bad guy for trying to take a bite. Rap comes scooting up waving his claws about, trying to convince me that Anar is a friend.

Some friend! Drags us off to Infernal Holy College as his familiars, bossing us about. Not that we'd listen. Drags us into the Underworld with him while he's dressing in black and being moody, with horns and wings and what have you working as a demon. Then, when I'm finally comfy on a nice new sofa, he goes and drags us back to the mortal realm with him, to go live with his uncle, in some big fancy house in the middle of nowhere. Only because this is Mr. Clever Clogs he fucks it all up, and we're stuck here on this dumb planet playing soldiers.

He says it's The Dragon's fault, but I don't see how.

You want a funny story? I've got a funny story. He won't tell you this one!

So, Anar's an old bugger, right, he's got reading glasses now and takes a multivitamin with his juice every morning. Sad. But he's got to do what he can, and he'll need all the energy he can muster when Sarah's had the baby. Anyway, we thought he'd been acting a bit strange for a couple days, but Rap put it down to stress and hormones. I think he acts strange all the time, hadn't noticed a difference, personally. But Captain Midnight (who isn't a superhero, even though he sounds like one) came to find us the other morning looking very concerned, knowing we were his best friends and clearly wanting to be discreet. Anar had finally gone cuckoo.

We tiptoe down his corridor past Reception and sure enough, there he is, in his jacket, coffee in hand.

Talking to the door.

Now when I say talking, I mean he's deep in discussion here, like his brow is furrowed and he's waving his free hand around telling the doorknob how cars back on Earth in the early 1980's used to have 4 gears, no power steering, and how when he was small there were no rear seat belts in them.

Rap was very gentle with him, and spoke softly, and took him by the arm back into the mess for a little chat.

Whereupon he showed my partner the 'Multivitamins' he'd been taking.

Bloody prat hadn't been using his glasses, couldn't see for shit, and had picked up one of the orc's prescription painkiller tubs.

He was on horse tranquillisers.

He was high as a fucking kite and off his daft grey head.

It was hilarious.

Transcribed completely inaccurately by CPL. Rave who really would like a promotion some time soon, please.