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Kisara

“How much farther is it, did you say?"

“I didn't, but it's just another half a mile."

“When you told me the place was primitive, you weren't exaggerating. They've got slag from a glass factory on the road, that's what it felt like anyway. What kind of beings make it more comfortable to walk in the ditch?"

“Give them a break. You know this world isn't any more real than any other, right?"

I sighed. “You're right, Felix. You always did know lots about this metaphysical stuff."

“Don't forget what you've learned. Your situational awareness is nothing to snarl at."

I agreed with my mate and we walked in comfortable silence for a while, until we turned into a driveway that sloped up to the yard. We made our way to what Felix told me was Peter's house and climbed the wide steps to the deck and knocked on his front door.

The being who opened it was odd, but somehow familiar. “Please identify yourselves," he said.

“We're Kisara and Felix Steiger," I said.

“Come in," he said, “I'm glad to meet my creations at last."

“We read the books," I said. “They were good. Even though they weren't always 100 percent accurate."

“Well, what did you expect?" Peter asked. “If someone wrote a book about your life exactly as it happened, would anyone want to read it?"

“Maybe if it was about Admiral Sitka's life…" Felix suggested.

“I've learned a lot," Peter said. “I used to think that my advanced worldview entitled me to companionship and recognition and material wealth. Now I think that those things are compensation for people who don't understand the universe like I do. To steal a phrase, 'The more you know, the less you need.'"

“We're proud of you," Felix said.

“There's something else I'm wondering about. Two things, actually. I know I don't need a mate, but it gets pretty lonely here sometimes. There's a girl down the road I could ask out on dates, but for some reason, I can't make myself do that. The other thing is medical. I'm sure something is really wrong with me, but I can't make myself go to a doctor and ask about it. I've gone in for some general tests and they say nothing's wrong. Wouldn't a serious condition show up on a routine test? I guess I want nothing to be wrong, and I don't really trust Western medicine anyway. But I still can't shake the feeling that I'm making two of the biggest mistakes of my life."

“Those sound like they're linked," I said. “Your reservations about the girl wouldn't have anything to do with you uncertainty about your condition, would they?"

“Well, I guess they might, I mean, what if we got serious, and then I got really sick and died? That wouldn't be fair to her, would it?"

“What if you got serious and she got hit by a bus and died, that wouldn't be fair to you, would it?" Felix countered.

“Well, no, I guess it wouldn't."

“And I hardly need to remind you that Felix died when we were only forty years old. If you're thinking about fairness, that was hardly fair to me!"

Peter sighed and said, “I guess you're right. There are no guarantees. It's something I've worked hard to avoid admitting, but I can't escape it."

“There's ONE guarantee," Felix reminded him. “You're guaranteed control over how you respond to every situation you encounter."

“Yeah. Yeah, there's that," Peter said. “But, as an old local guy reportedly said, 'I want all I can get.'"

“What would you do with it?" I asked.

Peter chuckled. “I guess what I want most is knowledge. I know I have a medical problem and I'm reluctant to try dating people, but what drives me nuts is not knowing WHY those things are. I mean, I know it's part of my learning process, but what's the big picture?"

“Are you sure you could see the big picture from here? Or interpret it if you could?"

“No, I'm not sure, but I'd like to give it a try."

“What have you figured out so far?"

“I think we might be pieces in some unimaginably gargantuan life form, or computer, or maybe it makes no difference from here, and through our learning to be the best people we can be, we are driving this thing. What IT'S doing, I don't know and wouldn't care to guess at, but that's as far out as I can see."

“I think you're one of the most farsighted people on this planet," Felix said.

“Thanks, and speaking of far-seeing, let me ask you something. This problem with dating seems to be one of the mental blocks that's preventing me from enjoying life, but it seems more pervasive than that. If you were to ask, I would say that I don't think a meaningful, long-term relationship is possible for me. What I want to ask you, as masters, is: What do you say to that? Can you help me?"

“Have you tried talking to a counselor?" I asked. “There must be some good ones here."

“No. I mean, I could, but I guess I don't think they could help. For some reason I don't think anyone can help me."

“What exactly is your problem with being alone?" I inquired.

“Being alone in itself doesn't exactly bother me. I guess I have a need to interact with people and show them what I've figured out and discuss ideas with them and not have to do all the housework and farmwork."

“What bothers you about that?"

“I don't even know."

“You mentioned that you thought a long-term meaningful relationship wasn't possible for you. Why?"

“I listen to too much Country music."

Felix and I cocked our heads at that. “Excuse me?" I said.

“Joke. Actually, I don't know how I'm supposed to interact with a person in that situation. A lot of the songs I listen to and stories I read portray being more than friends as a challenge. That's okay, I appreciate and enjoy challenges. I guess I don't understand what it means to be in love and I'm too scared to try it. I suppose I could meet someone and think, Let's be friends and see where it goes. But for some reason I can't bring myself to do that. Mostly it angers me that I might lose out on something great because of circumstances beyond my control, or at least that I could claim are beyond my control!"

“Hell-LO! You're talking to someone who spent a century without her favorite test pilot! Talk about beyond control."

“Yes, but I keep thinking I'm the test pilot. I'm waiting for my version of you!"

“And you think that when she shows up in your life nothing you could do one way or the other could prevent you from being together."

“Yeah. I mean I've tried for ages to find certain equipment or information or computer components or whatever and then I've sometimes given up for a long time and then suddenly there's whatever I've been looking for. I know a mate is way different from a piece of computer hardware but wouldn't a similar principle apply?"

“Peter, have you considered that 'Losing your mate,' as you put it, has put an artificially high threshold on a relationship for you?"

“You bet I've considered it! I feel like damaged goods. I can't seem to orient myself in this world. It's like I'm not even tuned for it. I see or read about or almost remember a wonderful experience with a mate and I think, 'Where's mine?' and get jealous and want to cry!"

“Peter, I had the same sort of thing happen to me when I lost Felix. I know I can't describe the difference between love and regular friendship to someone who hasn't also experienced it, but I became unable to really love anybody. I could interact perfectly well with my friends and for a while Aurora helped me out with my...physical needs, but I couldn't love her like I loved Felix because I knew her too well, if that makes any sense. She was like another mother to me, so she couldn't be a lover.

“Savenna was a little different. We got really close, but we were always just good friends. I couldn't begin to feel for her what I had felt for Felix, not even close. It didn't even hurt when she left me for Koy, well not much."

“They could make you forget, though?"

“Oh, boy, could they ever! Especially Savenna. That bitch had a tongue in her muzzle and knew how to use it. But I eventually learned that even though Aurora and Savenna could make me forget, they couldn't fix me. Only I could fix me."

“And how do I fix me?" Peter asked. "I remember something else I hate about myself. I can't—or don't, I guess, love people for what they are, I love what I want them to be and if they deviate from that significantly I would happily send them straight to hell. Is this maybe the cause of most of my problems and HOW DO I FIX IT?!"

“Are you afraid of relationships, Peter?" I inquired.

“Maybe…but I don't know why…"

“Because you would have to actually work at them?"

“If I was in a really good one I—"

“Wouldn't have to work at it? You're wrong."

“But if it was with the right person..."

“Do you think Felix and I had no trouble working things out? The point of a good relationship isn't that there are no problems but that both people care enough about each other and the relationship to keep working on them!"

“I can't stand the thought of that."

“What, work?"

“Yes, but I don't know why. Wait a minute, try this: Sometime in the past I was an important person, a king or something, and hurt people who should have meant a lot to me. I thought if I kept my head down in this life and paid attention I would be okay, but I keep having these problems. Karmic debt keeps catching up with me."

“Don't you want to neutralize your Karmic debt as fast as possible?"

“Yes, but my efforts don't seem to do as much as I would like. I want to do something big that maybe perpetuates itself and get rid of all of it at once like that. I want not to feel obligated for my whole life. I want to look forward to doing something different on a regular basis."

“Why?"

“Because I bore easily."

“And whose fault is that?"

“The collective soul's."

“You don't really believe that."

“No. I feel like a fly-by-wire person in a stick-and-rudder world. I seem always to be missing one step in the motivation process. I think about something and think I should do it and want to do it, but I often do not make the final connection to actually do it. I think I should not have to work that hard just to begin doing something. The doing should be the hard part, not the making myself do it. How do I fix that?"

“Keep doing it," Felix said.