Coalescence Book I - Chapter 25 - Regret
Chapter 25 - Regret
-H-
A chill ran through me as I told him what I had done. What I'd had to do. It felt like nothing but excuses as I tried to slowly explain to him why I had left him there on the table, why I had let go of him. Even holding his paw now I knew it was different.. we weren't linked. The look on his face as he came to that realization haunted me. Made my blood run cold. It looked like it hurt him more than the bullet wound I had just patched.
I winced as he let out a low, sorrow filled howl.. it was so quiet I don't know if it could even be called that, but it made me look away in shame. I knew I had to do it, to save him, but my mind began racing through the what ifs. The alternatives that I might not have seen, that I was too stupid to see. Surely there was something, some other way I could have handled it. It was a puzzle that I had blindly tried to solve and now it was broken.. beyond repair? I did not know. What I did know is he was alive.
I stopped the washcloth and brought my hand to his jaws, cupping under his large muzzle and silencing his mournful song.
"I'm sorry. I can't take it back.. I Don't know what this means now. But you are alive. Whatever happens now at least you are alive, okay?.."
He simply stared at me, it was so hard to read his emotions when he remained so still. I knew how surprisingly expressive his bestial face could be, but he showed me nothing now.
Guilt welled in my throat, making it hard to speak, "If you are worried I'll make you leave now.. don't. I'm not going to do that. I don't know what all this means, I don't know what any of this was to begin with. I don't know enough to know what I broke.. but I know you feel that same sense of something missing just like I do."
I gave his paw a squeeze and slowly let go, stepping back, letting him see us apart. A whine slipped from his throat, his ears were pulled back flat. I reached out and stroked up and down his large, muscled hind leg.. though it felt weak and limp.
"Are you in pain? I might have some leftover painkillers from my last little accident. Never ended up using half of them. I don't even know if it's work on a wolf, certainly of your size but if you're hurting it's worth a try?"
He shook his head slowly, sullenly, and I sighed, "Okay.. I'm going to grab them anyway if you change your mind. They will probably help with the pain." Even if he didn't know what pills were, I hoped he understood I was offering him something to help.
I left him again. I knew I shouldn't, it was the wrong time to step away from him after just tearing off the band-aid of bad news like that, but I needed to get away. To breathe. To not see the look of hurt in his face. I stared at myself in the bathroom mirror for more minutes than I kept track of, lost in my own head and taking a brief respite from the smell of blood and cleaner in the other room.
With a little bit of rummaging through the medicine cabinet, I found the half empty bottle of painkillers. They seemed tiny inside when I considered how big the wolf I was planning on giving them to was.. but much like everything else recently I could only really work with what I had. closing the mirror I froze.. there was a glint of movement behind me. Quickly I spun around, expecting the wolf to be there, but there was nothing.. of course it wasn't him. He could barely move let alone walk, my eyes and imagination and stress were all converging to play tricks on me. Still I felt uneasy as I stepped back out into the hall, peeking around and heading back into the kitchen and living room.
The wolf was watching me silently, his eyes following me as I came in and set the pill bottle on the counter. I said nothing as I filled a wide glass with cold water and brought it over to him, tipping it in front of his muzzle. Those piercing eyes stared into mine, but he slowly slipped that oversized tongue into the glass and drew out large and slightly messy mouthfuls of water into his maw.
It was up to me to break the silence, obviously, as he drank, "I'm not a doctor or a vet or anything, but I tried to clean up your wound and bandage it the best I could.. But we are going to need to change it regularly, okay?"
He nodded his head slowly. He understood. If nothing else, the fact that he understood me better than I understood him helped immensely. It was one-sided mostly, but it helped. it was up to me to get better at understanding him.
"Did you fear.. Death. If we separated?" A slow nod, though he looked away now that it was obvious that fear was unnecessary.
"And now that you are still alive.. you're still worried about what me letting go did?.." A short nod, those eyes flicked right back to mine.
He had stopped drinking so I set the glass down, looking at his large, clawed hand, "You're worried you can't go back in.. aren't you?"
I winced some as he nodded, but I let my hand slip into his and raise the both of them up between us gently.
"Try..?"
He hesitated, and I didn't blame him.. something didn't quite feel right, it didn't feel like it had before. His eyes narrowed, staring at our hands clasped together, his nostrils flaring a few times as he breathed out. I realized I was chewing on my lip as I watched and felt.. nothing. His hand wasn't disappearing back inside of mine. His face twisted with frustration.. Then, slowly, sadness washed that all away and left him looking hollow. Defeated. The same way I felt watching.
"I'm sorry.."
How many times had I apologized to him now? Would it ever be enough? His fears had been appropriately founded.. he couldn't return to me. I had ruined it. There was a slight twinge of relief that hit me that I quickly felt guilty for.. that part of this weirdness was over, and it was only a different stage of weirdness. Knowing what it meant to him though, to lose his link to me, to his home.. guilt wasn't enough. Regret flooded through me and I found myself sliding my arms gently around his furred head and neck, cradling him to my chest and stroking him. He seemed to reluctantly let me.. but his tail did not wag.