Dirty Limericks
Story by Domus Vocis on SoFurry
To celebrate St. Patrick's Day (in my own unique way), I've been working on a short yet fun and especially raunchy 1,000-ish short story involving a limericks battle between several college friends. A good portion of these limericks, I made up. The rest, I plucked from the Internet.
What do you think? :)
Five individuals circled the lone table. A cornucopia of junk food and alcohol sat on a coffee table nearby as five sets of eyes stared at each other, examining each other, and predicting each other.
A battle of wits and charisma was about to commence as I eyed my opponents; next to me on my left sat a slender vixen my age in pink pajama bottoms, my roommate Marissa. To my right side sat a tired wolf in sweatpants and a university t-shirt one size too big for his burly frame. To Matt’s right and across from me was another tiger like me named Oliver, only he didn’t share the same intense stare as everyone else. In fact, he looked completely tired, given how brutal the midterms have been lately. Finally, lounging between him and Marissa sat Jasper—who unusually preferred to sleep at night compared to other bats—in black pajama bottoms already finishing his first energy drink.
“Is everyone ready for this?” he asked us.
“Sure am, Jasper!” I replied to him. “Are all of you?”
“Hell yes!”
“Sure am.”
“Mhm.”
“Bring it on.”
“I’ll go first then,” I said with a smirk, trilling.
Gathering my thoughts, I then clasped my feline paws together and went my turn.
“I once met a stag from Kentucky, with a sex drive so very damn plucky. He gave me a grin and wiped off his chin, saying I’m going to be very damn lucky.”
We all shared a laugh, except for Matt. “Aww, I had a similar one!” he groaned.
“Well, share it then,” I suggested.
Marissa chimed in, “What did you have, Matty?”
All eyes trained on the wolf, who sighed before clearing his throat.
“I once met a bull from Kentucky, who used to think guys were so yucky,” he wryly smirked, “Then, he mooed at my ass and I took him to class, but I was the one who managed to get lucky!”
Everyone half-clapped, chuckling at the decent limerick. It went to Oliver next.
Benji went his turn, chirping excitedly. “I once went on vacation to Chad…Chad…bad…hm,” he trailed off a bit, then mulled it over for several seconds before grinning. My eyes caught his wings twitching. “I once went on vacation to Chad, hooking up with a cute jackal lad. We fucked while kneeling on the floor and the ceiling, then I did the same to his own dad!”
Laughter filled the room again. Standing up to grab a cup of root beer and some chips from the nearby table, I listened as Marissa deployed her first limerick.
“I once knew a leopard named Dick,” she giggled, “with a member delicious and thick. It was as long as a meter and I swallowed a liter, but he climaxed a little too quick.”
“Sounds like my ex from high school,” I jested, as soon as we stopped guffawing. Glancing down at my paper filled to the brim with dirty limericks, and seeing their phones out, a thought came to mind. “Can you do limericks without ‘I once met’ or ‘There once was’?”
“I don’t see why not?” Marissa asked, and everyone else shrugged.
It went on for quite a while. Around and around, we either told limericks off the top of our heads or relied on ones saved up on our smartphones to try and out-do one another. Some managed to make a few of us laugh, but if we got desperate enough, we went low-brow.
By the time her turn came up again, Marissa began, “I once had a roommate that was a faggot.”
While a couple of our friends went tight-lipped and silent, with Matt in particular giving a silent gasp, I barely blinked at the word. If only they knew the things we called each other behind closed doors, hehe.
“I once had a roommate as a faggot,” she restarted after a moment of thinking, “with a dick as big as a maggot.” Again, some gasps and a few muffled bits of laughter, including from me. “He doesn’t do dishes, and often he wishes, that his hookups would stay like a magnet.”
I burst into laughter, as did she.
“That doesn’t rhyme!” Jasper accused her.
Clearing my throat, I quickly retorted, “I once had a roommate who was a thot, whose virginity is long forgot. Her vag was deflowered, and her ass got devoured while her mouth can swallow a lot!”
Marissa held her stomach with howling laughter. I joined her along with Matt and Jasper, who looked ashamed as he let out wheezing chuckles. Our cackling became so loud to that I wondered how long it would take for our neighbors to complain from upstairs.
Some were old and some were new. Either way, the entire group had so much fun trying to make each other laugh. Other dirty limericks included, but weren’t limited to:
“My boyfriend is from North Carolina, and he wants to visit China. He was so bright and merry, so I presented my cherry, and he started to dig for vagina.”
“There once was a dog from the coast, who had an affair with a ghost. He had an orgasm in thin ectoplasm, and got a good feeling almost.”
There was a vixen named Sapphire who succumbed to her lover's desire. She said, ‘It's a sin, but now that it's in, could you shove it a few inches higher?’”
“There once was a she-wolf named Jill, who used a dynamite stick for a thrill. They found her vagina in North Carolina and bits of her tits in Brazil.”
“There was a hooker pulling tricks, who at one time could handle five pricks. One day she did cry as he pulled out her glass eye, ‘Tell the boys I now can take six!’”
“I once knew a prince from abroad, who gasped when he glanced at my rod. He gave it a poke, a kiss and a stroke, while I moaned to the heavens, ‘Oh God!’”
We were definitely going to Hell by the end of the night.