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I love you Ryan

Sat, Apr 5, 12:57pm

Ryan stared at the text message blankly as he lay sideways on his stiff bed, fully clothed. He had done nothing else since he had returned to his room a few minutes hence, unable to shake off the creeping feelings of regret and dismay. It seemed the more Ryan tried to suppress his thoughts of Adam, the more they would surface, taunting him with their insistence.

It was strange: Ryan did everything imaginable to remove Adam from his life: he'd deleted his digital photos of them together, removed his number from his phone, unfriended him on all his social media accounts, and even threw out that T-shirt he gave him for his birthday. Yet he couldn't find it in himself to delete this message. Every time he attempted to delete it his finger would freeze; it was as if his body itself didn't want to lose the message.

Ryan sighed, turned off his phone and stowed it away in his jeans' pocket. He flopped on his back and stared at the ceiling, the subtle buzz of incandescent bulbs now audible under the silence of the room. Silently focusing on nothing but the ceiling, Ryan was able to cull the wasp nest that was his thoughts of Adam. But it was only for so long before a wasp would sting him, this time a fat one, a quote from an old novel:

There's nothing a man wants more than for an old love to fade away silently...

Ryan cringed; he hated that quote, as much as he hated the dry novel it hailed from. He wasn't sure whether the quote was true, but after he and Adam broke up, whenever he would think of it , it would strike a chord with him...

It was an argument that had led to their breakup. Not a fight, but an argument, through text messages none the less. There was no yelling, no threats made, no drama, just a few angry messages and then silence...

...and it was the silence that hurt the most.

Without warning, hot tears began to sting Ryan's eyes. It was odd, nothing really happened to bring about any tears, but they were forming nonetheless. The red panda rubbed them away with his knuckles, and was able to suppress further tears after a deep breath. Ryan then turned onto his stomach and buried his muzzle in his pillow.

I'm pathetic...

Ryan held his position for quite some time. Maybe he'd just fall asleep like this as there wasn't much to do with his only friend away. It was just as well; he didn't feel like doing anything either.

Silence persisted in Ryan's room until it was pierced by the light tapping noise of paw-steps from the hallway. Ryan paid it no mind until he heard the sound of a key card entering the locking mechanism...

To his room.

Ryan's hackles shot up as did his white ears.

What the hell is Zack doing back here?!

Ryan quickly grabbed one of his fantasy novels haphazardly lying on his nearby desk, opening to a random page and feigned reading.

Ryan thought that his act was convincing enough once Zack entered the room, the bat still wearing the same clothes that he had at the party; ripped jeans, a white tank top half-covered by an open red plaid shirt, and that shark-tooth that he always wore. Zack moved right up the side of Ryan's bed, and Ryan noticed that there was the oddest look of contrition etched on his muzzle, unusual for the usually high-spirited and easygoing bat.

"Um, hey..." Zack said, sounding surprisingly sober, considering Ryan knew he had a few beers at the party.

The red panda looked at him with suspicious eyes and raised an eyebrow, "What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be at the party?"

"Yeah well..." Zack started rubbing the back of his neck, "I wanted to apologize."

Apologize?

Ryan put down his book and now sat up from his reclined position, now sitting on his bed cross-legged, "...Apologize for what?"

"Well, you know, for the whole party thing," Zack said as his large leathery ears folded back. "I was a little ticked off at first for you leaving like that, but then I guess I realized that it was really my fault; I should have known that you'd be uncomfortable there, but I ended up making you go anyway. So, yeah, sorry... I didn't mean to ruin your Friday night."

Ryan shook his head, "You didn't 'make me'; I chose to go. I was the one who knew I was just going to sulk around for the whole thing but I went anyway. So don't worry about it."

Clearly Ryan's answer wasn't the one Zack was looking for, "Fair enough, but the only reason you came was because I invited you, right? So there's that." Zack shrugged.

Well, he certainly hit the nail on the head for that one.

"I guess," Ryan mumbled, reclining back and picking his book back up. He didn't really feel like talking any more, but Zack was still standing by the by his bedside.

"Shouldn't you be going back to the party now?"

"Well I..." Zack began to rub the backside of his head in embarrassment, "...wanted to stay with you."

Ryan blushed a little, although it certainly wasn't visible past his orange fur.

"Why?"

"We haven't really been hanging out that much for the past week, and on top of that I wanted to ask if you've..." Zack opened his mouth to say something, but then stopped himself. He was being very selective with his words, "...been feeling okay lately?"

Ryan blinked a few times. This was bad. Ryan didn't want Zack to be worrying about him. Had he been too obvious with his moping, or did Zack think he was blowing him off? "I'm feeling fine," Ryan said dismissively, "I've just been a bit busy with school work is all." Zack frowned; he probably didn't buy the obvious lie.

"So nothing's been bothering you lately?"

"Nope."

"Really? Cause if there's if there's anything you want to talk about..."

A chill shot through Ryan's spine, "Well there isn't." he replied snappily as he laid back down and brought his book over his face.

Silence.

Ryan thought that Zack bought it, or at least took the hint that he didn't feel like talking. At least that's what Ryan though until Zack snatched the book out of Ryan's hand and began to stare at Ryan furiously with his green eyes.

"Ryan, cut the shit, what's wrong?"

Ryan was taken aback by Zack's piercing tone, "I told you already: nothing's wrong," a flustered Ryan said meekly. Zack still wasn't buying it.

"Will you stop being so evasive? I'm just trying to help you out here, so just tell me what's up."

Ryan began to flare up with anger; he didn't want to deal with any of this, not right now,

"Nothing's been bothering me; I don't know where you even got that idea from! Now stop bothering me with your delusions and go back to the damn party already!" Ryan said in a raised voice.

Zack looked pissed, "Goddammit Ryan, will you stop acting like a fucking five-year old?!"

Ryan shrunk back a bit in his bed. Zack was actually at him. Why was he getting angry over something like this? Was he... Ryan's eyes grew wide in terror.

Oh shit.

"Even if you've been trying to hide it, I can tell something's been eating away at you recently."

Shut up, no it hasn't. It's none of your business anyway.

"And I did my best to help you without prying too much into your personal life."

You would have been better off just leaving me alone...

"Hell, the only reason I invited you to that party was because I wanted to cheer you up!"

Wait what? Oh, hell no...

"But you just push yourself away from me whenever I try to help you and just throw my help away like it's garbage."

I never asked for your help! Wasn't it enough just to be friends?

"And whenever you do that you make me feel worthless, like I'm nothing but a pain in the ass to you."

This can't be happening. There is no way that he's doing this to me.

"Like I don't mean anything to you."

Shut up shut up shut up!

Zack's voice was soft, but his green eyes glared with conviction, "So don't tell me it's nothing."

Ryan found himself wincing at Zack's final words. His ears drooped and he frowned in shame, no longer able to suppress his feelings. Ryan's state of apathy and disinterest was a barrier that protected himself from others, something that kept him safe and out of sight. It was a neigh impassable wall, one that he rarely even let down for himself, yet somehow Zack's words had cut through it, right to Ryan's sensitive and insecure center. Ryan suddenly felt as if he were naked, as if even his fur had been stripped from his body. Zack got him good.

"I just..." Ryan began to tense up; there was no point trying to evade it any longer. Clearly Zack was far more insightful than he had let on. The red panda sat up and bit his lower lip, "I don't want you to worry about my problems..."

Zack sighed and look away for a moment. His voice was softer now, "Not knowing what's wrong is already making me worry," He returned his gaze back to Ryan's eyes, this time was a hint of sadness, "We're friends aren't we? Can't you trust me, just this once?"

Friends...

"You'll just laugh at me... It's a stupid reason..."

"No I won't."

"Yes you will!"

"No I won't! I don't care what it is, I just want to help!"

Ryan realized he sounded like a petulant child. Such an argument wouldn't go anywhere; it was time to give in,

"Alright ..."

He started running his fingers through his head-fur and ground his teeth nervously, "I had a breakup..." he muttered, his voice weak and tired.

Zack looked at him in disbelief, "I had no idea you were in a relationship."

"It's not something I like to talk about. It's... personal."

Zack sat down next to Ryan put his arm on his shoulder in a comforting gesture,

"Come on, everyone has breakups. And the best way to deal with them is to vent." He said with sympathy almost as if he had completely forgotten that he was angry with the red panda just a few moments ago.

Ryan shrugged, "I guess..."

Ryan wasn't sure how to proceed. If he told the truth he'd end up outing himself, which was the last thing he wanted to do. Ryan opened his muzzle as to say something but then closed it, unsatisfied with what he was going to say. He took a deep sigh,

How the hell am I going to get around this?

It was then that Zack broke the silence, "So what happened between your girlfriend and you? Why did you break up with her? Or did she break up with you?" he asked earnestly.

Girlfriend... Her... She... Ryan furrowed his brows clamped down on his teeth in anger. This again.

Are there any girls you like, Ryan?

When are you going to get a girlfriend, Ryan?

You'll never get girls to like you if you keep acting like that, Ryan.

Ryan was sick of this. He had to deal with this for so long,

"I wasn't dating a girl..." Ryan mumbled with gritted teeth.

"What was that?" Zack responded, a confused look on his muzzle. Ryan gripped his paws as his blood began to boil in pure irritation; the most difficult sentence he had ever uttered, and he had to repeat it.

Fuck it.

Ryan stared Zack straight in the eyes, dismissed all inhibitions out of his mind and inhaled deeply and audibly through his tiny nose...

"I WASN'T DATING A GIRL!"

Realizing that he had shouted, Ryan flushed in embarrassment and broke his eye contact with Zack. He crossed his arms and grimaced in a juvenile fashion. The confused look on Zack's muzzle persisted,

"Oh," Zack finally said, flatly. The black bat blinked comically for a few seconds before his green eyes widened, "O-OH! You mean you're...?"

"Don't say it!" Ryan said snappily, raising his paw toward Zack in protest. He always hated it when that word got brought up. He hated how it sounded, hated the stereotypes that clung to it, and most of all hated how it applied to himself. Ryan sighed and his ears drooped down again, "But yes, I am..." Ryan mumbled, eyes now fixated on his feet. He didn't want to look at Zack after saying that; it was too difficult.

The room remained with an all too familiar silence for a short while, with nothing but the muffled roar of nearby cars filling the room through the closed window.

"Hey" Zack said.

It wasn't a horrible reaction yet. Ryan looked up at Zack with scared lonely eyes, in dubious anticipation of what the bat was going to say next.

But Zack didn't say anything. Instead he gave Ryan a ridiculous cross-eyed look paired with his tongue sticking out his side.

A smile was creeping up on Ryan's muzzle until it broke out into a full out grin,

"Zack... you dumbass," Ryan said with a chuckle, no longer able to stifle his laughter.

The two furs laughed together despite the once tense atmosphere. As juvenile as it was, Ryan was glad for Zack's response; serious talks were always so very taxing.

After the laughs were all out of his system, Ryan looked up at Zack, the red panda's blue eyes a shade brighter this time, Zack smiled back at Ryan, his pearly white fangs shining brilliantly. It wasn't before long though that Zack's ears went flat. There was now a whit of sadness to his voice as he finally spoke up,

"Why didn't you tell me sooner? You know I'd be the last person to care about something like that."

Ryan froze up, uncertain as how to answer, "I don't know..." He sighed, once again looking down at his feet, his smile dispersed, "I guess it's because we're roommates... I didn't want things to get weird between us," he continued, a strange coldness embracing him. It was a difficult question, and although what he said wasn't untrue, it certainly wasn't a complete answer. Ryan grimaced at his own cowardice.

It was then at that moment that Ryan remembered something: the first conversation he had with Zack when they first moved in to the dorm.

The conversation where Zack told Ryan that he was gay.

It was an offhanded comment, and seemed almost like an afterthought out of Zack's lips, but it completely changed Ryan's perception of the bat. This whole time, the guy that Ryan assumed had a perfect life turned out to be just like him, with the same problem that he had. Yet he was able to be open and honest with himself, whereas Ryan kept all of his emotions and problems to himself, locked deep away in his subconscious where even he sometimes forgot about them. It was then that Ryan realized something; Zack wasn't lucky, he was just honest with himself. It was funny, sometimes Ryan himself forgot that Zack was gay. It just wasn't how Ryan saw him; Zack was just Zack, gay or otherwise.

So why couldn't I tell him?

"Why would that make things weird between us? If anything it just gives us another thing in common."

Ryan sighed, "I know, I know..." he yielded, his throat suddenly feeling sore. Ryan's right leg began to fidget uncontrollably as if it was trying to tell him something:

Just be honest already, Ryan.

Ryan took a strained breath and his usual composed voice broke into sudden emotion,"But, well... it was also because It's..."Ryan wasn't able to finish his sentence; the pain from his throat began to spread to his chest and jaw and tears stung his eyes. Ryan's lips quivered slightly as he spoke, his voice down to a whimper,

"It's hard..." he croaked, unbidden tears rolling down his cheeks.

Am I crying? Damn...

Ryan bit his lower lip. Okay so he was crying, but he wasn't going to sob. There was no way in hell that he'd sob in front of...

Zack wrapped his winged arms around Ryan.

Ryan began to sob.

Zack felt warm, his wings creating a blanket around the shivering red panda. Ryan hugged Zack back, and buried his muzzle In Zack's firm chest as he continued to sob. He didn't care anymore; he just wanted to feel warm.

*

Thanks for reading!