I'm Alien or a Time-Traveller... or something. (Seven)
#7 of An Alien
I don't know whether this is good or not. I've been feeling slightly morose myself lately so I figured that this could be a good way to express it. Here's hoping you enjoy it. Don't forget to comment and rate.
I'm Alien or a Time-Traveller... or something. (Seven)
Sometimes I wonder about things, things in general I think; sometimes I wonder about the things I wonder about. Mostly I can't think what those things are but I think about them regardless. But then I wonder why I think about things I can't hold on to later. They're like dreams or memories; things I'd experienced or seen yet there's no reason they should be there. It's not Déjà vu; I know what Déjà vu feels like. It's more like a vast inherent knowledge. The singular answer to everything would become available if only I could grasp it.
I never notice it at the time but I know it's there. The intruding problem is one of moroseness because each failed grappling attempt leads inexorably back to a singular place; needlessness, everything feels empty and useless and I ask myself
"Why is this worth living?"
The strangest and least abject fact of my life is that I am alright. I understand. I am sad sometimes but I am not miserable. And yet, I cannot help but ask the question. My sister usually gives me insight into these things but she's been absent since I had to remind my mother of her death; not a word nor a sight of her.
"Sander look," Miki taps my shoulder persistently pointing through the fence "what is that?"
I glance across the road to see the dusty brown back of a bush pig hopping through the golden brown grass. "It's a bosvark."
"You mean a boar?"
"Pig, boar; whatever you want to call it." I continue walking, hands in pockets but she tugs at my shirt and I stop but an inconspicuous sigh escapes through my lips, and she notices it anyway.
"Are you alright Sander?"
An annoyed response almost bursts out of me, luckily it doesn't but the surprise that it was automatic forces me to silence. Her large eyes scan my downtrodden face and I feel suddenly lost, unable to say anything even though I want to, I can't even meet her gaze. My face falls to the pavement while she appraises me with her red and white mask impassive except for the warm breeze rustling through her fine fur. The wind carries dust and shorn grass particles between us like so many stones comprising an impenetrable wall of silence. A car whizzes by permeating the air with that stale tire noise grinding the road.
"Sander, show me the pig." she says, simply making the non-invasive request quietly so as not to stir me further. Our eyes meet shortly, hers seem bright and even hopeful.
I acquiesce, leading her across the road, scanning the grass planes for movement again and we find it almost immediately as a swath of the tall grass rustles in a pig sized swathe. The boar emerges into a clearing relatively close to us, its grizzled tusks brown and muddy. It spots us instantaneously, its tail shoots up straight like an arrow, and it comes to an abrupt halt, lowering its menacing tusks at us while gouging the earth beneath its hooves aggressively.
"Don't move, it might try and charge us."
"Alright" she whispers in response "oh, look behind her Sander; little piglets."
Three tiny versions of their mother had trotted into the clearing and are scuttling around beneath her body. The mother turns away from us, apparently having decided that we aren't threatening. She nudges a squealing piglet into the underbrush and it's siblings follow curiously.
I and Miki are left tracing the path of parting through the grass. "They dig up roots for food; luckily the river makes this an ideal habitat for a game reserve. It's good that she didn't charge, the fence would probably have hurt her. I wonder why she would be so aggressive; the animals should be used to furs with the whole neighbourhood running alongside the fence."
"She didn't expect us."
Annoyance creeps up but this time I let a little escape "That's the opposite of what I just said Miki."
She takes hold of my paw, clamping it in both of hers as was her wont. "Did you expect to see a bosvark? I didn't."
I hadn't expected to see one but I don't say it.
"We've seen giraffes and even a white rhinoceros but no pigs on our walks. I believe she wasn't expecting us."
"Alright, let's go."
Miki does not relinquish her grasp of my paw and that's how we continue, with her behind my shoulder with my paw, the other in my pocket. The only sound between us is the noise of her low cut dress flapping as the wind plays with it.
The thought of walking the entire length of road along the fence seems an insurmountable task so I turn right into a side-road heading towards the nearby shop and park with its roundabout, swings and steel framed structures meant for children; no children play there anymore except for the desiccated children from the township who cross the street to the shops to beg at every opportunity they can get. This being an affluent neighbourhood draws the young furs of poverty stricken African breeding like flies which in turn only draws the ire of the richer folk reluctant to reward the annoyance. What separates furs on their hind legs from the animals in the reserve? It seems to me only two zoos sharing a border.
Miki squeezes my paw as if reading my thoughts "You haven't seen Vanessa recently I take it?"
"No" I grunt.
"Let us sit on the swings, maybe memories of happier times will cheer you up."
The swings are low, made for children not that it would matter since Miki still has my paw, I wish she would go. That feeling of knowing wonderment creeps into my mind again but as I mentally reach for it all I see is my sister's stubby goat snout grinning at me, displaying her sharp wolf teeth at me in their pink gums; and I am left with nothing but morose apathy and a feeling of dreaded loneliness.
"Sander"
"Yes Miki?"
"You know that Vanessa is a part of you?"
"I really don't want to talk about it now."
"We should, since Vanessa left; you've been gone as well. I am lonely without you." Her words are said heavily, as if the saying weighs on her just as it weighs on my patience.
"Miki please." I say twisting to free my paw back but she holds on desperately.
"I know you're not feeling very well Sander but please, just let me talk. You need not even listen if you don't want."
I want to say something nasty, make her go away and leave me alone; I just want to be alone right now. But I don't say a word, instead looking towards the shop a little ways from us; a male and female dog, obviously a couple, enter into it sharing a mutual giggle and lingering of loving stares as they walk.
"Expectations Sander, is one of the most important things in each of us. That bosvark didn't expect to see us; she probably hasn't seen the neighbourhood through the fence. Expectations form us, we expect things and are angry, sad, or happy or at least feel something when an expectation comes to pass or fails to appear."
A mangy child approaches us, ironically he's some evolved breed of the bushpig we'd seen earlier, I meet his eyes and they light up expectantly, he extends a paw and I wave him away. Immediately he turns away spots the couple exiting the shop and runs towards them.
"That little beggar boy, he didn't expect you to give him money but he was hopeful."
"What's your fucking point?" I mumble irritated.
"The point is that you expect things to be alright because they sometimes are but sometimes they aren't. Right now they aren't and it's caused you to lose Vanessa, and I've lost you for the last few days. You're disconnecting from me the same way you've disconnected from your sister."
"And what do you want me to do about it?"
"I want you to forgive yourself."
I rip my paw free, getting to my feet, I'm done with this. "Forgive myself for fucking what Miki, for what!"
"For your mother's guilt."
"That has nothing to do with me Miki! That should be clear by now. It's not my fault that Vanessa's dead, I know it, you know it. Fuck it, who doesn't know it, I have nothing do with our genetics except the sharing of it."
Her eyes are large, glistening with the beginning of a tear, her paws trembling at me as if mourning the physical disconnect I'd forced "...except the sharing of it Sander. You feel the guilt even if you do not think it. You don't expect the guilt to be yours but you take upon yourself without knowing. You feel the unfairness of the weight on your mother and yet you want to share it. You can't share it Sander, you can only double it. The guilt kills Vanessa and it removes you from me."
In my mind's eye I see my sister's grin, I grasp for the knowledge but I miss and the grin becomes a frown. Weariness, that morose apathy settles on my shoulders, my anger fades replaced with nothingness. I sit again feeling the tears welling up behind my eyes. "You're right. What do I do Miki? What do I do to get my sister back, what I do so I don't die inside like my mother?"
"Acknowledge how you feel. Expect the guilt but do not succumb to it. Expect it, absorb it and embrace your sister because she is you."
"I'm crazy."
"Oh Sander," she whispers to me "you're only crazy if you don't know what's real. And Vanessa is as real as you are. Accept her and you accept yourself."
"I'm sorry Miki, for being such an asshole. I didn't want to hurt you."
She smiles and blinks releasing a single happy tear which rolls off her mask, falling onto her sleeve. I wipe it away leaning forward. She lunges forward, planting a forgiving kiss on the side of my mouth. I pull her to her feet and we embrace "I'm sorry Miki, for having lost you and Vanessa."
I feel her chest expanding against me as she drags in a ragged, elated breath.
"My silly brother and his mood swings." Vanessa's voice come from somewhere behind me. I don't turn to her but I emote my love towards her. "Ask Miki if she'd like to look for some more wild life."
"Miki."
"Yes wolfy?"
"Vanessa wants to know if you'd like to go on Safari along the fence again."
"I would very much like that Vanessa." Miki says to me.
"Maybe we'll find the piglets and their mother again." I reply.