From the desk of the General. Mission 1.
#1 of From the desk of the General
The Kaos Army don't just wade onto battlefields with guns blazing, though that is a lot of fun. Sometimes, the situations they are called in to resolve require some thinking that's not just out of the box, but out of this world.
From the desk of:
General Sir Anarchy Warlock (Official Troublemaker of the Realm) Senior Commander of the Kaos Army: Black Planet
Leader of 1st Tank Battalion
Defender of Orc rights
Military tactical genius (I'm just typing what he dictates, don't look at me)
Occasional Good Guy
BP date 23/05/3012
Mission notes
Re: Operation CLEAVE
Planet: CPLND51F
TDW Gate: 431-941-C
The Kaos Army were called in to initiate peace talks between two warring factions on a planet locally referred to as 'Fevael' by the natives, but displayed on our constellation charts as CPLND51F.
It was a nice place, one sun and a couple of moons, sensible gravity, breathable atmosphere. I accepted the contract and attended personally.
The Rendaiken were an orcish species, and probably didn't have the word 'peace' even in their vocabulary, so it was going to be a tough deal from the start. They had dug themselves in, (literally), and would launch a barrage of shots from primitive cannons if anyone dared approach. I could have sent my tanks in, but this was a chatty thing, not a shooty thing, so I figured I'd do my best to draw them out.
The Kinalga were some sort of walking, talking deer and were open to conversation with us at first, but it soon became clear that they were just as stubborn as the orcs were. They hid in their forest overlooking the trampled plains that they had their skirmishes on, before retreating to the safety of the trees.
This whole thing between them, it was basically going nowhere, and the surrounding communities were very tired of it. That land they were using as a battleground was meant to be for food production.
So, everyone was a bit grumpy, which I'm used to in my line of work it must be said, and hungry and fed up.
If we could just get the orcs to talk to the deer, progress could be made to get everything in that particular geographical location back to some semblance of normal.
In these circumstances, where both sides are needing to be coaxed out from their hiding places, we have a few options.
Sometimes, a nicely worded letter full of flattery and promises does the trick, but these were orcs. IQ in the single digits. I love them, don't get me wrong, but, well.
Sometimes, driving tanks around does the trick, but the deer folk were neither impressed nor nosey.
Sometimes, offerings of food worked a treat, but in this mission I needed them to both emerge and stay out long enough to negotiate some terms.
That was when I had an amazingly brilliant idea. (It was actually quite good, I'll give him that.) Back on my Earth, there was one thing that would get people out of houses, and onto the street corners in an instant. Any day of the week. Any time of day.
The sound of the ice cream van.
I pulled a Mr. Whippy from one of the Homeworld locations via portal, who's driver probably thought he'd had a cardiac arrest at the wheel and this was some sort of journey to the afterlife, poor sod, and the jingly tune of The Entertainer rolling through the dusty rift between the two armies did its job.
There was a rush of hungry soldiers, and the van came to a stop.
With a '99' soft serve in a wafer cone and a Cadbury flake finished off with a drizzle of raspberry syrup, we had done it. We had managed to get the two army leaders out in broad daylight at the same time.
One mouthful and everyone cheered up significantly. I don't even remember what the war had even been about, but I know I had a Calippo for the first time in about 15 years.
I put the extra charge on the contract, naturally. Feeding an army is expensive, after all!
Summary transcribed by LT. Rap (I'm too bloody soft, I've got my own shit to do, you know? He needs a secretary.)