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Core Beliefs

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Ah, such is the crux of it... We believe these things and around and around we go, the wicked little merry-go-round of doom, caught up inside our own heads. And, the thing is, there isn't any escape from your mind. What are you going to do - hit the off switch? It's there to stay unless you want to plunge into the darkness itself, draw across a slice of the knife for the ultimate sacrifice.

Down and down and down. It's a long way all the way down.

Will you come up again? Hm, that one is hard to say as the bubbles stream, drowning in reality, the sensation of such clinging and rising, throbbing up thick and fast. That could be something else, of course, but blood pumps either way, snarling up from the belly of the beast, watching and waiting from the depths, wanting to see if you will scull your way back up and up and up.

Will you?

But is it worth it? That is the question that must be answered, whether it is worth it to break and defy all these little rules inside yourself for the possibility of something more. It's hard to break those rules and where, after all, does one begin when the very notion of rule-breaking can lend the light to being, very simply, the worst possible thing?

If you're not perfect, something will go wrong. Something go very, very wrong, in fact, and you've held that one rule for your entire life and longer again still, woven into the intricacy of your daily days, the ins and outs that make up the very reason that breath steadily enters and leaves your lungs. Breathing, however, is not life. And where does perfectionism come into life, you say? Ah, well...it is simply a matter of survival, my dear, and you, quite promisingly, have the very act of that down to a fine art.

You've got to be perfect, because then you're in control. And that control is what keeps everything in line, everything in its rightful place, chaos kept off and at bay for another day. Everything has to be just so and everything has to be done right. If things aren't correct, that opens the door for trouble and then something goes wrong - so terribly, terribly wrong. You don't want to admit to that, of course, and so you run the rat race each and every day of your life, the wheel spinning and spinning and spinning to cut out the mistakes, to cut out the will that could trip you up. You're lifeless, a puppet, just there to do a job. And that job too must be perfect above all else.

How could anyone live through this? You don't see it but you are strong. They say that there's something dead in your head but they are wrong. They should have no power over you but you're trying to keep everything right and correct, on the right side of the lines, just so that the mystical 'they' will keep their mouths shut a little while longer. You've heard it all before, of course,

Not enough: never, ever enough. How could have you held this one, drawn in tight to your chest, crushed like a lover twisted into a darkened glimpse of a relationship lost? You can try and try and try and you're never enough - but you can be. Ah, if only it was that easy... There are impossible tasks ahead of you and you've set them all for yourself, just to adapt and keep going as you are. If you please everyone, maybe, just maybe, you think you can be enough - not even 'good enough', just 'enough, as it stands right there.

Of course, you know that rhyme well as it stands alone with no sense of reason. It's here but it's not here, this deeply set core belief, a truth that you've told yourself and lived by for so long that it must be true...right? Your mind is to be trusted and, so, you lean into it with a smile and with thanks, expecting you to look after you.

Isn't that fair?

Any mind can become anyone's worst enemy, whispering half-truths, lies twisted into something that wears the shroud of a truth, enough to convince, to persuade to tease into a false sense of being. These core beliefs are held close against the odds of all else, yet they are not to be cherished but held back, kept at arm's length.

Idiot.

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Fool.

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You need to do more.

You don't do enough.

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Everyone hates you.

Everyone's looking at you.

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There's nothing good you can do.

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Why do you even bother?

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Around and around and around. You can manage these, just about, but core beliefs are rooted deep, locked in, the sort of notion that can be inspected and yet has long-ago sunk its claws in, an iron-grip that isn't about to let go. Thinking you're dull, thinking you can go nowhere, because these are the things that were said to you and were closed in as core beliefs so very long ago. And if you think you're stupid, just how are you even going to move forward in life, do the things you enjoy, do the good things with your days?

Hold fast, sit tight. There may be no real answers as yet but time will show all that is available to you, if only you can take the patience to look for it. Core beliefs rush and come with a frenzied snap that hustles and hustles and hustles - but that doesn't meant that they can't, ultimately, hustle themselves straight out the door.

Step by step, bit by bit.

Don't listen. Just walk.

The path behind shows how far you've come. Don't look ahead until you're confident you can meet the challenges, locking horns with those core beliefs when they can be replaced with true truths, brought into fresh light and inspected with a magnifying glass. Then and only then will _your_truth be revealed.

Core beliefs, false beliefs...

No one is spared.