Lots of Very Implausible Evolutionary Coincidences
The first episode in the story.
A/N - Hey guys, thanks for checking out my story! Just a heads up, but this is only the first three episodes of the story. You can find the rest on Kindle Vella for roughly 10-20 cents apiece. Now then, on with the show!
“You know something I never understood?"
Veeashanalma, or 'Vee' as everyone called her, glanced over at her coworker and longtime friend, who was lounging in his office chair and staring at the ceiling.
“What's that, Rick?" she inquired of the human halfheartedly. He was always broaching pointless topics, so she assumed this time was no different.
“Why does every sapient species we know of look roughly the same?"
While not particularly interested in the subject herself, she at least had to admit that it was an intriguing question.
“Dunno. Weird cosmic coincidence, I guess."
“No, a coincidence is you looking like a four-eyed cat with horns." She felt slightly offended at being compared to an Earth feline, but bit back the snippy remark that was rising in her throat. “This is something else. Like a fundamental law of the universe."
“Sure, could be," she agreed with a slight shrug of her shoulders. “Maybe this form is the only practical one for an intelligent species to evolve into?"
“That makes sense," he agreed with a nod of his head. “Bipedal locomotion is useful no matter how many limbs you have, since it lets you use your arms and manipulators, whatever those may be, while walking."
“Uh-huh." She didn't really care.
“And, naturally, standing on our hind legs led to all sorts of other predictable developments, with a few exceptions," he continued on, entirely oblivious to her disinterest. “Tails became less pronounced or disappeared entirely, muscle groups relocated to different parts of the body, boobs changed location from the stomach to the chest. Speaking of, I can't help but notice you have breasts just like a human woman. I mean, it's downright uncanny how they're almost identical to-"
“Rick?" He recoiled slightly at the sharp tone in her voice, a bead of sweat rolling down his face. “That's sexual harassment."
“U-Uh, right. I got a bit too personal there," he more or less apologized while sheepishly rubbing the back of his head. “I was just trying to point out that most animals have their mammary glands on their stomachs, and they don't have any, uh… shape to them outside pregnancy. Yet, for some reason, females from every known species of intelligent life in the galaxy have a rather striking pair of mounds protruding from their chest."
The slight blush hidden beneath her short auburn fur slowly began to fade as he explained himself, and the moment he finished talking she made a dismissive gesture with her hand.
“It's fine, I know you didn't mean anything. Just think before you talk, okay? Not everyone understands you the way I do." His head began shaking so fast she thought she felt a slight breeze coming from his direction. “As for your… observation, I think it's due to a mixture of breastfeeding and secondary sex characteristics. At least that's what they said in some article that I read a while back."
“Yeah, I guess it's kind of hard to appeal to a male if all the goods are below eye level, and nursing a baby on your stomach would be kind of awkward when you walk on your hind legs," he murmured thoughtfully. “Also, as far as I know, infants from all the sapient races are born unable to even crawl. That means we've got to carry them around, so it makes sense the nipples would migrate somewhere more convenient for the mother."
While he'd navigated away from her breasts specifically, Vee still found it embarrassing discussing such an awkward subject. But, then, she'd been the one blushing up a storm in the back of the room during biology class, so that was probably just because she was so easily flustered.
“That's an interesting hypothesis," she told him before jerking a thumb at her workstation. “On that note, we should probably get back to work. We've still got a lot left to do."
“Yeah, you're right," came his reluctant reply. “I could talk for hours about this stuff, but duty calls!"
She just rolled her eyes at the thought of discussing evolutionary biology for more than a few minutes. Unfortunately, Rick noticed her little gesture, which caused his own ocular organs to light up in an all-too familiar way.
“That's another thing!" Internally, she groaned, wondering what she'd done to start him off on yet another rabbit trail. “Why are we all so similar when it comes to social cues? Sure, culture plays a part, so not everyone is the same, but you jerk your thumb at stuff, shrug your shoulders, roll your eyes, and a bunch of other things, just like me!"
“Maybe because I was born on Earth and was raised around humans?" she suggested with an arched brow. “Could play a role."
“True, but I've met plenty of alien tourists who definitely don't live here," he began as he picked up a pencil and began twirling it around on his fingers. “Every single one of them understands human social cues, at least the basic, universal ones. Like, if I frown, they know I'm upset, and if I smile, they realize I'm happy. Like, isn't baring teeth considered aggressive in a lot of non-sapient species? Why isn't that the case with more intelligent life?"
“Maybe they all just studied up on humans? I don't know, Rick. I just want to finish my work and go home."
Her coworker was silent for several long seconds, and for a brief moment she actually thought, no, prayed that for once he would actually heed her pleas for silent productivity.
“Did you ever notice that we all live in nearly identical environments?"
Her head literally slammed against her desk as intense feelings of exasperation coursed through her.
“Rick…"
“Okay, okay, my bad," he said while motioning an apology with his hands, and she couldn't help but notice he was still fiddling with the pencil. “Let's finish up for the day."
“Thank you," she said with a sigh of relief.
“Isn't it weird that we can speak the same language?"
Naturally, he had to bring this up in the middle of a meeting.
“Rick, shut up," she whispered back to him with a reprimanding gaze. “I know it's boring, but you need to listen to the quarterly report."
“It's just strange that every sapient developed vocal chords capable of making roughly the same range of sounds is all." She groaned under her breath as he proceeded to ignore her demands outright. “Only a few species on Earth are capable of replicating human speech, yet when it comes to space-faring races that's a commonality."
“Can this wait until after Steven from accounting finishes telling us how much money we made?" she almost hissed at him.
“Why, afraid he's gonna think you're not interested in his presentation?" Rick asked with a teasing tone to his voice.
“Yes, that's exactly why!" came her curt response. Almost immediately, the grin on her friend's face contorted into a slightly worried frown. “What?"
“Why are you so worried about his feelings?" he inquired in an almost probing manner. She'd known him ever since they were kids, so she could tell when he was feeling nervous about something. As for why, that was another matter entirely. “Are you, uh… gunning for him or something?"
All four eyes blinked several times in surprise as her mind processed his question, then she furrowed her brows slightly and tilted her head to the side in confusion.
“What? No. I just don't want to be rude."
These words prompted the man beside her to visibly relax, and a sloppy smile spread across his face as she confirmed that she had no interest in dating Steven from accounting.
“Ah, I see." She wasn't entirely sure why he seemed so relieved, or why it mattered in the first place, but she didn't really care enough to try and find out. “Anyway, about how you can speak English…"
Was he still going on about that? Part of her wanted to just ignore him and focus on the presentation, but she knew he wouldn't let the subject drop until she gave him an answer. So, with a resigned sigh, she decided to try her best to satiate his boundless curiosity.
“It's probably just the most efficient way of communicating, so all the intelligent species eventually evolved down that path because it was necessary for them to build an advanced civilization."
“That makes sense, I suppose." For a moment, she thought it was over, and she foolishly redirected her attention back towards Steven from accounting. “It's just, why are we this similar?" She groaned slightly as he continued on despite her having answered his question to the best of her ability. “Shouldn't there be at least a few major differences in the way we-?"
“Could we please continue this at a more opportune time!" she whispered at him angrily, her patience finally reaching it's limit. “We're being incredibly rude right now!"
“But, I haven't even-" he began to protest, but cut himself off as she fixed him with an icy glare.
“No."
That single word uttered in a chilly tone was all it took to shut him up.
“Okay," he whispered back meekly. Then, he grabbed a piece of stationary and began folding it into a paper airplane.
Vee didn't even bother scolding him. She just swiped the children's toy away from him and ripped it in half, slowly and deliberately, underneath the conference table—ensuring he could still see it from where he was sitting.
“What's that sound?" Steven from accounting asked as he looked around in confusion.
“Oh, I'm sure it was just some random pest buzzing around being annoying," she told him with a sweet smile.
“My plane…" Rick whimpered as Steven shrugged his shoulders and resumed his presentation.
“Lifespans."
She frowned slightly and glanced over at him. Much to her irritation, he was playing Solitaire.
“What?"
“How come all the sapient races live for about the same amount of time? Just here on Earth, lifespans between different animals vary wildly, so why do all us intelligent people average around eighty years without technology?"
So it was another one of his weird questions, was it? She really just wanted to focus on her work, but she knew he'd just keep distracting her if she didn't give him a reply. So, in the end, she relented.
“Maybe because we all share a similar biological makeup?" she suggested something they'd talked about before, namely why all of the intelligent species were so physically alike. She also felt herself blushing a bit remembering all the talk about breasts. “We all come from nearly identical environments, and our bodies are fundamentally the same. That's got to affect our lifespans."
“You've got a point," he said as he failed to place a ten of diamonds on a jack of clubs, which would've allowed him to clear up a tableau stack. Vee's upper left eye twitched a bit, but she didn't say anything. “But, then again, monkeys are genetic cousins of we humans, and some of them only last half as long as us under ideal circumstances. Us being biologically similar can't be the only factor."
“Could be we're all just really alike," she told him with a shrug, then scowled slightly as he skipped over the ace of spades in his waste pile. “Maybe less alike than some of us would like."
“Yeah, that's a possibility." This was said with a nod of his head as he placed a three of spades from his stock deck onto the only available red four… instead of the three of clubs that was on one of his tableau stacks. “It just seems statistically improbable that every sapient species would be so biologically similar that they'd all live about the same number of years. No matter how similar our environments, we still evolved on different planets."
“It is pretty strange," she admitted as she watched him play, the corners of her mouth turning down ever so slightly the moment he pulled a six of hearts from it's respective foundation stack despite the six of diamonds being clearly visible on top of his current three card draw. “I read somewhere that the speed a heart beats at is at least partially responsible for how long that creature lives, so maybe we all just evolved very similar hearts?"
“That's an interesting hypothesis. All of us have the same basic set of requirements, so it would make sense that our hearts would all evolve to be roughly the same," he replied as he abandoned his game to swivel in his chair so that he was facing her. Also, she noted, he'd failed to pause his game, and his score was slowly but steadily decreasing as he ignored it. “But then, what about height?"
She had no idea what that had to do with anything, but she decided to humor him since he usually followed up with something reasonable in these sorts of situations.
“What about it?"
“How tall you are affects your resting heart rate, right?" he more stated than asked. She'd never heard about that before, but assumed he knew what he was talking about and nodded her head. “Well, you're about two feet shorter than I am, so assuming equal levels of fitness your heart should beat a lot more times than mine in the same amount of time. If heart rate is such a major factor in determining longevity, then how come you, as a female, are likely to outlive me?"
“I've… got no idea," she admitted with a shrug of her shoulders. “I suppose life expectancy isn't so simple that we can measure it with just a single metric."
“Seems like it," he agreed as he went back to playing Solitaire… and immediately skipped over the ace of spades again.
“That's it," Vee muttered as she leaned over, shoved his arm out of the way, hit the 'undo' button, and double tapped on the ace to send it to the appropriate foundation. “You suck at this game."
This was said rather bluntly as she looked up at him, and it was only then that she realized how close his face was to hers. For a long moment, she stared into his eyes as deep and blue as the ocean, then her cheeks began to warm—his started turning red, too, she noticed—and she quickly tore her gaze away from his.
“I-If you're going to play during work hours, t-then you can at least do it properly," she murmured out in an embarrassed stutter while pulling away from him and returning to an upright position.
“Sure, sure," he replied dismissively as she resumed working on a spreadsheet that had been proving especially troublesome. “Feel free to intervene again if I'm screwing things up."
Her blush intensified at his offer, so she promptly doubled her efforts to make the stupid document work the way she wanted it to.
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