Coalescence Book I - Chapter 2 - Terror
Chapter 2 - Terror
-H-
I woke up to the usual mess of sheets and blankets, they never stayed on during the night with how much I would flop about, like I was possessed with a demon trying to escape. An exaggeration.. probably. But rarely did I wake up in the same position I had fallen asleep in. Other parts of me had woken too. Also the usual, but I wasn't exactly in the mood for some of my usual morning activities. I was hurting. In my brief bit of respite that sleep brought and the groggy few moments when I awoke I got away from the emotions, but they came washing back over me the moment I was fully awake. Mom was gone. She was gone. I wasn't going to see her again and it hit just as hard as it had hit yesterday.
It was slow. Cancer. Of course cancer, it was one of those things everyone knew someone who had it. This time it was Mom. Months of watching her fade until finally that candle was snuffled out and I was left alone in the dark. It wasn't fair. For her. For me. For Dad. He'd been there, but we hadn't spoken much. We didn't speak much after either. He'd gone back to his empty apartment and I had gone back to mine. Back to my little bed to collapse. To cry. To hurt. To sleep.
I looked over my bed, a small comfort, but not enough. Something was wrong with it though.. more than just a ruffled blanket tangled down at my legs. There were big tears in my bed.. through the sheets and into the mattress. The fluffy material was shredded and partially pulled out. Had I done that in my sleep? I looked at my nails, I'd let them get a little long, but not grossly so.. but I guess maybe it was enough. I guess I had had some bad dreams, I guess I had taken it out on my poor bed. A long sigh escaped my lips and I got up, I would deal with it later. I needed to shower. I needed to trim my nails, apparently. I needed some sort of breakfast.. and then I needed to get myself to work.
No.. wait. I took the day off. Right. because of Mom. The boss understood. He gave me the week. It had been automatic to get up and get ready for work, but the sadness hit me again, the realization again. I could only not think about it for brief spans of time before her face would pop up again in my thoughts. Her sick, sunken face. The last things I had said to her, comforting words, telling her about my day and how I was excited to hang out with some friends. Small talk, but I made her happy to know I was happy. That was more than any medication seemed to do.
I showered anyway, it was a mechanical feeling shower. Going through the motions on autopilot. Breakfast was the same. I don't remember what I made. I don't remember tasting anything. I went through the motions while I stared at nothing, lost in some dark place inside my own head. In my thoughts. Lost in my emotions, dead feeling and dull.. yet somehow sharp and raw at the same time. Conflicting senses, but they existed in tandem anyway. There was something else though.. I felt something familiar, but different. It felt like I was being watched almost, the way the hair on the back of your neck would stand up and make you check over your shoulder. There was a fridge over my shoulder. I was fairly certain the fridge wasn't watching me.. but the feeling faintly persisted anyway.
When I looked forward again I froze. My hand. It had claws.. and hair. I nearly knocked the chair over as I got up suddenly, shocked and rubbing at my hand. My now normal hand. I was seeing things. I had hallucinated it. It was clear I wasn't doing well mentally, I told myself that, clearing my head. That's what I needed. I needed to go for a walk. If I stayed inside, if I went back to my quiet, lonely room I was going to go mad. The clothes I threw on didn't flatter me, didn't really match, didn't matter to me. No one really paid attention to me anyway, walking down the street in a hurry to go nowhere. It was nearly winter and the air was a bit more frigid, but I was sweating. I felt sick, my stomach was a knot and I kept glancing at my hand to make sure it was fine. It was.
I passed a few joggers on the sidewalk. I passed the local dog park. Maybe that would make me feel better.. Turning back around, I made my way into the open field where a few dogs were running around without a care. They had pure, unfiltered joy as their owners huddled a bit close and shivered when the wind blew, talking to pass the time while their pets had the greatest day of their lives. Dog energy is infectious. Even in one of my lowest points I felt it, sitting on a park bench watching them chase each other around. I smiled a little. I envied them. Things were simple, uncomplicated, and fun. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy hanging out with friends, playing games, chatting and laughing.. but dogs have no boundaries with their friends. It's pure and unfiltered joy. Maybe that's what I needed. My apartment was going to feel emptier than ever.. maybe having company would be good therapy. I would think about it more when I wasn't such a wreck..
The park visit lasted through the morning. By the time the sun was directly overhead making me strip my jacket to stop sweating I was feeling better. Not good, but better. Better was good enough. Better was as good as I was going to get today. I made my way back home, passing by an older couple with a cute little terrier. Without a second thought I asked if I could pet her and crouched down when they said yes.. but as I reached out to pet the dog I saw it again. Claws. Claws and fur stretching out of my hand. I swore for a moment I was seeing double, like a misprint, a double copy overlay on my hand of a larger bestial hand. I jerked back and glanced up at the couple, they hadn't seen anything.. too busy chatting with one another. I tucked my hand into my bunched up jacket, thanked them and quickly made my way back home.
First place I went was to the bathroom mirror. My hand was normal. My face looked normal, sad, maybe a little freaked out, but normal. What was happening? I stared into my own eyes for more minutes than I could keep track of, waiting for my breathing to return back to normal before trying to leave the bathroom. Trying. My body stopped suddenly. Tugged back by my arm like someone had tied a rope to my elbow. When I looked down at my arm I screamed. I am not a screamer. Not on scary rides. Not when I am flying down paths or over jumps on my dirt bike. Not even when I have gone cliff jumping. At most I have let out excited cheers and yells. This was a terrified scream. A monster's dark furred arm was reaching out of my own arm.. like a ghost possessing me and pulling itself out. Only it was solid, it looked solid and it was solid enough to grab hold of the door frame. To keep me from leaving the bathroom.
I panicked. Understandably so, given that an arm that wasn't mine was growing suddenly out of my body. The arm held the door frame and kept me from running, it was strong, muscled, it held firm as I tugged and struggled to get away. I grabbed at it with my other arm and felt it tense up, like it was surprised to be grabbed. Just like that it melted back into my arm. Like it had never been there at all. My mind was racing, I didn't understand what was going on. What I just saw. When I had seen the claws earlier I for the briefest moment thought that I was turning into a werewolf. Only they hadn't been cheesy rubber claws. It had been a dumb, fleeting thought I had dismissed but that arm.. that arm made me rethink everything.
My heart rate took time to come back down. I waited. I sat and I waited. Staring at my arm, like a parent sitting and waiting for their child to come home far past curfew. Only I wasn't waiting for someone to come through the front door. I was waiting for some monster inside me to claw it's way out. My bed!.. The claw marks on my bed this morning. It was all becoming more and more real and further and further from reality. an hour passed with nothing happening. The terror I had felt was subsiding, to the point where I was once more questioning my own sanity. had I not gotten enough sleep? Is that why I was seeing things? I blinked and winced as my eyes finally got some moisture, I hadn't blinked for the past ten minutes it felt like. With how intensely I had been staring at my arm.