Please Stop Reading Now
Story by charles_they on SoFurry
a piece i've been meaning to write for a while now and finally got around to writing.
the poem mentioned within is robert browning's "home thoughts from abroad," which is what you should go read and/or sing instead of reading this
please stop reading now
by
charles michael averin
Hello?
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Is someone there?
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Can you hear me?
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It's dark in here.
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I don't know where I am. I was at the Saddle-Up and—I don't know. It's dark and my eyes aren't used to this. There's no light at all. Not even a crack.
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It's cold in here. I don't know where here is, but it's chilly, but there's no breeze. My snout hurts and I can't smell anything other than copper. I think it's my blood.
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I hope it's my blood.
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I taste it, which means it's my blood, right? Running down the back of my throat in a slow trickle. A nosebleed. I think I remember falling, but I don't—I don't drink that much. My boyfriend hates drinking, and I hate the mornings after drinking, but this isn't normal. This doesn't happen.
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You're still there, right? Please don't go.
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My tongue is dry-fuzzy and I've got this terrible ache behind my eyes, but I don't think it's too bad. My paws are still fine. I don't think I broke any bones. I'm sore and my stomach feels bloated, and my throat feels like sandpaper when I swallow. I want—I'm going to try and stand up, okay?
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help
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i can't
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not
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I can't stand up not fully there's something hard cold and flaky around my left footpaw I think it's a shackle please help me I don't know where I am it's cold I'm bleeding I'm sick dehydrated help me please
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I can't breathe
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please don't go
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please don't go
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please don't go
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It's a chain. There's a chain. And a shackle. It's around my left ankle. It's loose, but it won't fit over my footpaw.
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I'm a hare, by the way. That's—if I weren't one, I think I could slip out of it. I remember these movies where the detectives would break their fingers to get out of handcuffs. I could've done that if I weren't a hare.
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I don't know how much room I have around me. I'm terrified that if I move I'll just start falling in the dark, or drag my knees across broken glass, or find out that there's nothing at all and I'm stuck.
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You're still there, right?
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I'm going to check.
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We're going to check. One.
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Two.
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Three I can't do it.
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Jacket. I have an ocean leather jacket. It smells like my boyfriend, usually. It's his. Was his. We share it now, but he wears it more often. The scent of auto paint and engine grease probably gives that away, because I'm not that kind of hare.
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His name is Theo, by the bye. He's more than a few inches taller than me. Everyone is, on average, because I'm tiny. He's a panther. Black fur, but if you look really closely, you'll see that there's an invisible pattern to it. Ghost striping. He was really happy when I pointed it out. Most people don't notice.
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Jacket.
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I'm sweeping the jacket around me. There's a wall behind me. I hear it. It's the scrape of ocean leather against rough, uneven concrete, like a dull knife on blackburned toast. My ears know. The first time my panther made me breakfast in bed, he burned everything. He was trying to make it fancy on a frying pan instead of in the toaster. I told him it was a very special kind of French toast.
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He still makes it for me whenever I'm having a down day.
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That's been more common these days, I guess.
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Just how it is.
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Theo's jacket is barely touching the ceiling. The cub in kindergarten who always wanted to play the triangle, except they didn't know that role meant only hitting it once or twice every dozen bars. That was me. That's also the jacket zipper.
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It's metal on metal. A dull bell tolling.
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The chain is on a spike set into the floor. A piton. Hammered into the concrete.
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I'm padding around the base of it, but there's no cracks. My paws are calloused, but not that calloused. The concrete is still flaky, but not like the rust on the chain. Fresh, but not too fresh.
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I wish you could tell me what to do.
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A rusty chain and fresh concrete.
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Someone pulled the piton out before.
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Someone was here before and they got out. Which means I can get out. We can get out. Right?
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They had time. I have time. We have time. I'll hear my panther burning toast from bed again.
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We don't want cubs. Theo's mother wants us to adopt. He thinks it's because she wants grandcubs. I think it's because she wants us to be more Catholic.
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Like adopting would wash away the whole 'gay' thing.
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Sorry. I think if I stand and—
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That was loud.
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I swung Theo's jacket zipper-first as hard as I could over my head and it made a really loud noise. Louder than it should've been. The room is small and bare. There was an echo. That was why it was so
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do
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think
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heard us
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heard me
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I want my panther so bad
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Tell someone you love how much you care
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Please don't go.
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I'm afraid of the dark.
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I'm shivering in the dark and yes that's because I'm using my jacket as detachable eyes something
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touched my face it's okay it's a flake
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It's brittle. I'm going to taste it.
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It's not a smart idea but I can't see and I'm terrified that
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ouch I touched my eyes and they're still there.
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It tastes like copper.
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I'm okay. I'm happy. I'm safe. I'm warm. My panther knows that I'm missing. I just need to get myself into a position where I can be helped. Which isn't this concrete hellbox.
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I'm going to take off my tank top and tie it to Theo's jacket.
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Then I'm going to hook it over the pipe.
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Then I'm going to grab the other sleeve.
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Then I'm going to pull.
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Okay?
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I hope you're still there.
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I'm better at tying knots than Theo. I know that sounds like a euphemism, but I work in a theatre, so I do a lot of rigging and other technical crap. His father runs an autoshop, though, so he learned the trade there. Family thing.
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I don't know what I'm going to do when I break this pipe.
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If I break this pipe.
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Or what's inside. If it's water, will I drown myself?
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If this is a cellar, then I'll drown because there's nowhere else for the water to go. No door for it to flow under. But if it's not a cellar, then it might attract attention. Theo will find me.
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I might not drown. I'll be electrocuted when it hits an outlet. That—if there's one on the wall behind me, then I'm dead. But if it blows a fuse or the power, then it might attract attention. Theo will find me.
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Do copper pipes carry gas?
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No.
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I don't—should I do this?
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Can you—
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Can you look ahead and tell me what happens if I do this?
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Please. I don't want to die. Not here
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Just—no wait stop
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don't
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stop
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please
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okay please wait don't look ahead I'm sorry I didn't think this through
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I don't want to know what happens at the end. If no matter what I do I die then I'll just
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I'm going to break the pipe and use it to pry the piton out. If I put it on one side and tie my jacket to it, I can pull that to bend the piton, right?
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Did you look at the ending?
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Don't say what it is. I just—did you look?
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I hope you didn't. I don't know what's there, but
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Okay anyway I'm going to break the pipe. Three.
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Two.
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one
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that was easier than I thought. I jumped and my bodyweight just pulled one end out of place.
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I don't hear anything. No water trickling. No gas hiss. I don't smell rotten eggs. Just copper.
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Should I alternate sides when I'm prying the piton? Do I—that would make sense, right? Disturb the concrete around it. That's physics.
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Pitons are thin spikes. If I loosen it a little, I'll loosen it a lot.
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Wait.
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Will this break the pipe?
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don't answer that
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don't look
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don't
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I hope the ending has Theo and I together, hugging, and a drink. Non-alcoholic. I—I can't say I want a drink anymore. My ears are like taiko drums with all the blood pounding through them. I just want water. I'm thirsty.
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Hungry, too, but not so much.
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I don't want to starve or dehydrate to death in the dark.
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My panther didn't laugh when I told him I was afraid the dark. It was just another one of those things.
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He always presses me to his chest at night. His fur is silk. Fine silk.
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I'm not some scaredyhare. I'll throw a punch and a better kick if I need or want to. I've bounced rowdy folks out of the theatre when they were mad at the play put on by the uppity gays at the community theatre.
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I just really miss my panther.
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Crying isn't helping.
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It's also probably awkward for you. Sorry. Please don't skip this part.
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The copper pipe is bending and I don't know if the piton is moving.
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i
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i don't wanna cut off my footpaw
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Do I have to?
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Does that get me out alive?
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Don't answer that. Please. I—
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I have an idea.
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I'm going to think happy thoughts. And when I do, you're going to stop.
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This, I mean.
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You'll stop, walk away, and I'll be happy and safe and warm and with my panther. I won't starve. I won't get more dehydrated. Won't be electrocuted, won't drown, won't explode or get gassed, won't get—by whoever put me here.
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Okay? Got it?
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Blackburned toast.
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Family dinners at my place where we invite Markus and Nathan who aren't blood but are our real family because blood doesn't matter.
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Movie nights with Cécile so Theo can bring his little stepbrother and so Cécile's kid can have someone to play with.
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Late evenings in the theatre tech booth playing footsie and getting pawsy while the actors flub their lines.
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Scary nights when my panther hugs me to his chestfur.
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The way Theo strokes the base of my ears when I'm stressed or anxious.
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Engine grease and autopaint.
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French toast, made proper, by me, when my panther is ill or nostalgic or both.
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The way the ghost striping goes all the way across Theo's body.
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The fact that we explore each other's bodies.
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The way Theo looks at my scut.
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The way he looks at me in general.
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The fact that we can explore each other's bodies and not hide it.
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The first time he asked me to meet his family.
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The evening before and the early morning after that family dinner.
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The look on his mother's face when she realized I wasn't a woman.
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The look on Theo's face when I never come home no WAIT
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no no no no no no no no no no no no
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please why didn't you stop
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i don't want to die
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Please just
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go
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The way my panther—
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I can't—
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Why do you want me to die?
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You
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you could've stopped at any time
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I broke the pipe.
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The piton hasn't moved.
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The pipe is sharp.
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I don't wanna
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what if
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I don't tell you what I'm doing
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so you'll stop making me go forward
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pain
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hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt
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I am bleeding I am bleeding I am bleeding I am bleeding I am bleeding I am free
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Tourniquet
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Oh to be in England
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Now that April's there
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And whoever wakes in England finds
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One morning, unaware
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please just go
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I have to crawl
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I can't breathe shock this is shock I am going into shock please help me
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I'm swinging
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the jacket
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at nothing
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wood
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i hit
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stairs
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i can't believe i cut off my fucking paw
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I don't
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I don't know if I have the energy to climb these stairs
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theo please
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please find me
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not my body
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I'm going to get out of this alive.
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I'm going to get out of this alive.
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I'm going to get out of this alive.
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I don't know how many stairs I've done or how many are left
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The wood is scratching my chest
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splinters
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a muzzle of dust
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There is a
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There is a ceiling hatch it is metal I am pushing but it won't open
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It is locked I can make noise
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I'll hit it with the last bit of copper to save my voice
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This thing is heavy
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I'm
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So tired
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That was a lot of stairs
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I want to dream of my panther.
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Goodnight
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Someone will find me.
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He doesn't make it out alive.