Five Nights at Freddy's: The Mutant Bowl of Salad
Grayson Reynolds, a nuclear power plant worker, has unknowingly unleashed an evil force on the world. So, this evil force just so happens to be... salad? And the FNAF crew will have to fight against it. THIS IS CRACK, I WARN YOU!
Alright... I have Dylan to thank for this one. He sent me a PM where he said in a SoFurry chat, a person said he'd never read an epic story that started with a salad. He said he then stated he'd write a one-shot like that in order to spite them. So, he asked me if I'd like to join in on the fun.
And you know what I said? Yep. You already know, because it's right here. So, welcome to Five Nights at Freddy's: The Mutant Bowl of Salad!
SUMMARY TIME BITCHES: In this world, there will always be people who are stupid. So, it hasn't really come as a surprise that a nuclear power plant worker spilt a formula he was working on on his salad, causing a reaction, making a mutant salad that now wants to conquer Freddy Fazbear's Pizzeria, and none of them want it. So, they will all band together to save their crushes, their homes, and the world.
Warnings include anthro AU, gay relationships (don't like don't read, duh), and that's about it. So, ENJOY.
"It's lunch break everyone, so get your asses up and eat. Unless you want me to pour chemicals down your throats," The boss said, and there was a great rush of employees streaming out into the courtyard with their lunches and drinks. One said employee was a dark-green bear named Grayson Reynolds. He had bought a home-made salad from home, which consisted of cucumbers, lettuce, tomatoes, and a few other bits.
Grayson worked at a nuclear power plant, and was also a pretty stupid person. He was so stupid, he once tripped over a cordless telephone.
Honestly.
Pulling out his salad, he rummaged around in his bag, and bought out some salad dressing, pulling the cork out, and tipping the contents of the flask onto his salad. Well, he thought it was salad dressing, but he'd failed to notice it was his chemistry work. He had been trying to make plants alive and more capable of functioning in real life, and he'd almost finished it. It would make plants sentient, and have real personalities based on what kind of plant they were.
But, instead of putting salad dressing on it, he had to be an idiot and put his chemistry work on it. And then he dropped the salad all over the ground. Grumbling about it, he just drank his iced coffee and got back to work.
But what he didn't know was that the formula... sort of worked. And a beast was currently tossing in a plastic bowl on the ground of the power plant...
"Wow, look at that," Mangle said, pointing at the TV screen. The others joined them, gasping slightly when they saw the headline, and heard the newscaster speak.
"...Breaking news as it comes to hand," The newscaster was saying, "A salad has turned evil at a nuclear power plant and is currently destroying said power plant, and is setting it's sights on Freddy Fazbear's Pizzeria, and probably the world. Seriously though, we are all doomed."
"Oh. Shit," Clyde said, immediately turning around and walking away, screaming, "NOPE NOPE SO MUCH NOPE."
Red face-palmed and Chi screamed like a little girl- oh wait, she was one. "This sucks," Shade said, folding his arms. "More then that giant lollipop you got," Shaf agreed. Red turned and screamed at them. "GET OUT!"
"Sure," They shrugged, shuffling out while putting on swag glasses.
"Crackheads," Mangle said, turning to the TV again, "We should call the boys in the hood, and see what they say." Mangle called the number for the original Freddy Fazbear's Pizza, and Freddy picked up. "Yo."
"A mutant salad is destroying a power plant and has set it's sights on our places. Turn on your TV," Mangle said in a monotone voice. "I know. I saw it. And I'm SUPER FREAKED OUT!"
"Calm. Down," Mangle said, "Call everybody, and get them to come here. I can see that bastard from a distance. OH MY GOD HE'S GOT HUGE TENTACLES."
"That be disgustin', Mangle," Foxy chimed in. Mangle said, "Whatever. Just GET OVER HERE HE'S COMING!"
*20 minutes later* THIS TIMESKIP WAS BOUGHT TO YOU BY OXICLEAN - "OXICLEAN IS SHIT"
"Okay... We are all geared up... and ready to kick some serious mutant salad ass. But seriously, we're all going to die. No pressure," Freddy said, "Red, take it away."
"So, even though we're most likely all going to die, I just wanted to say one last thing..."
"Even though fighting that monster is a death wish, I just want to say we are going to DO IT! JUST DO IT!"
Everybody stared at him with a confused look. "Let's just fight the monster," Red decided.
Everybody had guns and roses, which were to plant. Chi planted the roses while everybody was shooting the monster like a boss.
"THUG LIFE!" Foxy yelled, jumping from the pizzeria roof-top, and 360-noscoping the monster. Yeah, it didn't work.
And you know what that monster did? He turned around, and slapped Foxy.
*insert the 'SUFFER. BITCH' moment from "Shade" by Heart of a Coward for this moment*
"This guy is literally invincible! He can't be killed!" Freddy screamed. **insert "Invincible" by MGK* *
"Yeah I know," Clyde replied, "Maybe there's like a weak spot or something."
"Like his ass?" Freddy asked with a pedo-grin. **insert MLG noise here* *
"No Freddybear that's illegal," Clyde said, unamused.
Soon everyone was tired as shit. It's impossible to murder a monster that can't be killed, because it can't be killed, because it's invincible and- oh, get on with it.
Mutant Salad was bearing down on the pizzeria, ready to crush it like Mordecai crushes those biscuits into the water, when Shaf and Shade and Spring appeared in their car, driving up a ramp, and screaming, "THEY SEE ME ROLLIN'. THEY HATIN'. THEY TROLLIN', THEY TRYIN' TA CATCH ME RIDIN' DIRTY!"
*insert "Ridin'" here*
They then rolled their car, and it smashed into the monster who gave a squeaker-like scream, and disconnected from Xbox Live. In layman's terms, he died.
"We are saved."
"Amazing."
"Very nice."
"Wait, so you guys are dead?" Clyde asked the three. "Pff, nah. We jumped out and left dummies of ourselves in the car. So, wanna celebrate?"
"YAYEAH!"
Three hours later, they were at a carnival with all their crushes, and getting drunk and taking antidotes, and drinking again.
*insert "Antidote" here*
"And that," Said the author, closing the book labelled Five Nights at Freddy's: The Mutant Bowl of Salad, "was how both the Toys and Originals saved the day, and got laid that night in a carnival tent- wait, WHAT?!"
The characters laughed as they ran out of the room. The author grumbled, and threw coffee at the walls. "I hate life."
Yes, this entire thing was crack. I apologize for any giggles or crack-ups that occurred.