All's Fair - Part 21
#22 of All's Fair
Part 21
run
This can't be happening. It can't be. He's too - he wouldn't do that - oh, God, the entire road was covered in -
run
Why? Why couldn't I have... Please come back. Please, I just - touch your fur again, you're breathing - you have to be breathing, and - I'm sorry! I should have seen it, should have done something, anything, I - Jake, please!
RUN!
My foot caught on a tree root - I didn't even know I'd gotten out of the city - and I fell, wrenching my ankle and gouging my cheek and paws. Unable to make myself get up again, I curled up on the damp ground, chest heaving with agonized sobs. Slowly, the light mist turned into a steady, dreary rain, and I just let it, wrapped around the infinite hole in my heart.
My phone was ringing, but for a long time I didn't realize what that meant. Eventually I unflipped it. Pressed "Start".
"Nick? Nick, are you there?"
"H-Halo?" I whispered. "I was just - I should have seen it -" My voice sharpened as hope flamed in my chest. "Is he okay? Tell me he's all right!"
Her voice was fogged with tears. "Nick, I - I don't know. Where are y -"
"God damn you!" I screamed at her, and hurled the phone as far away as I could as the dam holding back the pain broke once again.
just run
Eventually, I couldn't run anymore, and I collapsed on the ground and let the darkness take me. For a long time, I didn't remember anything at all.
Why didn't I ever say how much I love you?
I guess he knew, but I hated myself for not telling him. Every insult, every strike felt like a shard of glass in my soul. Every time he'd touched me felt like a brand.
I was freezing. The alley was soaking wet, heavy rain obscuring the street lights beyond. My ankle ached fiercely along with innumerable other bruises and cuts. I was dizzy, trembling with muscles that felt like water beneath my matted fur. And I didn't care.
God, why couldn't it have been me? I was right there, I could have stopped him from - NO!
"Nick?"
A dark shape loomed out of the rain, backed by the unforgiving illumination of a car's headlights. "Nick Donovan?" it asked again.
I snarled at it, ears flat back as I scrambled back along the wall and tried to lever myself into a standing position without betraying my weakness.
The figure took a slow step towards me, and a small ray of reflected light showed a powerfully built stag. I tensed, searching fruitlessly for some avenue of escape.
"N- Mr. Donovan, it's me. Professor Roderick," he said slowly. I stared at him, a trace of sanity briefly passing through my mind.
Then I bolted.
He was far too quick, and caught me as I tried to get past. Then he dragged me against his chest and held on grimly as I fought wildly, trying to twist free, to bite him, something, and screaming hoarsely into his button-up shirt.
I didn't last long. Only moments later my body betrayed me, disobeying my frantic attempts to keep fighting and instead sagging exhaustedly in his grip. The stag took advantage of my lapse to pick me up, carrying me easily over to a car and buckling me into the passenger's seat while I growled weakly at him.
"Nick, it's all right," he murmured quietly. "I'm not going to hurt you." He opened the back door and returned a few seconds later with an old blanket - too fast for my clumsy paws to undo the seat belt. "None of that," he ordered gently as he pulled my paws away and laid the blanket over my writhing form. Then he pulled me into a crushing embrace while I whimpered and tried to push him away. "I'm so sorry," he whispered.
And that brought it all back. I let out a wracking sob as I saw it all happen again, and again, each time tearing viciously at the remaining fragments of my soul.
I didn't remember much of the drive. The next thing I knew was someone carrying me through a strange building, taking off my shirt and rubbing me down with a towel, and settling me onto a bed. Through it all I fought tooth and nail, wishing more than life itself that those paws were his.
I don't know how long he had to hold me down, but eventually exhaustion and sickness dragged me into a fitful sleep.
Warm, passionate lips against mine. Fur, pressure enveloping me, holding me close.
"I'm straight, mutt."
"You completely ruined his Christmas, too."
Kick him. "Like I care." "I never asked for this!"
Brush running down my back. His paw, holding mine. "Talk to me, mutt."
"I hope you rot in hell_!" Backhanded him across the face. I smiled, cold._
His heartbeat.
Stumbling against him, getting blood all over his shirt.
Blood all over my paws. Blood pooling up. Flinging him up, to crash back into the pavement. Blood soaking his fur, pushing out of his crushed chest.
Blood. His blood. I -
"Jake!"
I jerked upright, screaming his name. Shadows reached out, and tangled blankets wrapped around my thrashing limbs. I didn't feel them, caught in the echoing fragments of my nightmares.
A dark form jerked upright next to the bed, then quickly moved to grab my shoulders and pull me against it. I bucked uselessly against its hold, only peripherally aware of its slow murmuring. But it wouldn't let go, leaving me no recourse as the memories flashed through my mind again. The way he'd been smiling at me, the way I'd been too fucking stupid to look, to see the truck, to shout a warning - anything, and because of me he was -
No!
"He's okay," I whispered brokenly into whoever-it-was's shirt, still trying to squirm away. He had to be...
I had nowhere to go except back to sleep.
I didn't want to eat.
I barely remembered how to eat.
But the deer wouldn't let me leave.
My stomach growled, and I tried not to stare at the small bowl of yogurt next to a cup of water. The deer sat a safe distance away, pretending to read, and I cringed back every time his eyes flicked in my direction.
God damn it, go away! I don't want it, I don't want anything, I HATE YOU, leave me alone, be angry, let me die, hate me...
Please come back...
My vision wavered, the world tilting dangerously as eyes of burning red filled my sight. Reeling, something hit my cheek and water splashed onto my leg. Life faded away, replaced by desperate, desolate longing.
When I came back, the stag was setting another cup of water on the table, crouching down a few feet away. I flinched back, trying weakly to scramble away but halted by the back of the chair. My paws slipped, trembling and sweaty as I panted in fear. I tried to growl at it, but coughed instead, the air being forced out of my lungs in long, hacking fits.
"It's okay," he murmured when it finally stopped, meeting my eyes for an instant before I could look away. "You need to eat something." When I didn't respond, his voice grew more assertive. "You can't give up, Nick. One bite at a time. We can stay here for as long as you need." Moving slowly, he stood and turned away, resuming his seat by the window.
My stomach growled again. I didn't want it! I levered myself to my feet and tried again to leave, but the deer stood as well and blocked the door. "None of that," he said calmly. I whimpered as he slowly maneuvered me back to the table. Avoiding the chair, I sank down to the floor as what strength I'd gathered slipped away. It didn't help - the table was low enough that I could still see the food clearly.
I reached out and took the spoon, moved it to my muzzle. Damn you, you sick, pathetic wretch. I cursed my own weakness as I began to eat. Unable to just die. Useless. Disgusting. Craven. Just a pathetic animal clinging to life it didn't deserve. Whining how hard it all was, glutting, wallowing in filth.
I want him back.
You don't deserve him. You never did. Better without you.
Agony.
Finally, finally I stopped, pushing the quarter-empty bowl away and letting my head sag into my arms, sobbing. I didn't have any tears left; my muzzle felt parched. My stomach heaved.
"He wouldn't want you to give up. Nick, Jake wouldn't have wanted - "
"SHUT UP!!"
I ran.
I barely heard the deer cursing behind me as the blackness closed in.
The line between dreams and waking was gone.
I ached all over. Breathing hurt. Crying hurt, but I couldn't stop. He sat next to me, stroking my fur, murmuring soothing words I couldn't understand. I tried to turn my head to look at him, but I was so heavy. His heartbeat echoed hollowly in my ears, false. My skin crawled, eels squirming over my legs, blood dripping down my chest. I tried to scream, but blood was in my muzzle, choking me.
Lying on the bed under heavy blankets, sweating and shivering all at once, broken arm throbbing, trying to stifle sobs. Couldn't wake her up, she'd hurt me. Needed her to love me. Hate me. I couldn't remember.
Waking up. Large hands holding me firmly, a small tube in the corner of my muzzle. Water squirted out of it, and I gagged, swallowing convulsively. Again and again, while I squirmed uselessly against the torture. ?? ?????? ? ?????? ? ???!
Waking up. Bright, mercilessly cold light, strange paws poking me, feeling my throat. Flinch back. Heavy weights on my chest. Breathing hurts. Strange voices.
"...going to be one sick puppy for a..."
"...take twice a day..."
Waking up. Sunlight gently heated my face, a warm paw was resting on my arm, and slow breathing was just audible a couple feet away. I looked up into his eyes, saw him smile at me.
He lifted his paw up, then brought it down, hard, on my muzzle.
Pain.
His face peeled back from his skull in a rictus grin, chest overflowing with blood, spilling onto my paws.
"Nick, wait!" he said, almost frantically. "Please, I'm s- I just - I love you -"
I screamed, unable to keep the pain in, my chest tearing open as his blood poured onto the pavement.
I woke up.
I felt better - my throat didn't hurt so much, I wasn't so dizzy, I wasn't so heavy. Someone had even wrapped my ankle in tape so it didn't throb.
It didn't help. I felt empty.
I knew I was being watched; someone's shadow was on the bed. It didn't matter. Nothing mattered anymore.
It was so much easier to remember the way it had been. I could still hear his voice, helping me with calculus problems, sitting next to me while his own work lay neglected farther down the table. Somehow we always managed to get just enough done to stay ahead, even though it had seemed like half the time we were talking about something completely different. The memories hurt, like bright, sharp pieces of glass in my mind, but they were better than the dull world outside.
Why hadn't I told him? So many moments, every one of them more precious than the rest of my life combined, wasted. I'd pushed him back, I'd hurt him - oh, God, I'd hurt him! - I'd thrown away the most beautiful person on the face of the earth, all out of some depraved fit of temper. I'd give anything to change it, to have one more chance...
I didn't know how long I'd been crying. The deer had moved to sit next to me and rub my back, but he didn't matter. It was all ephemeral.
He was speaking, but I didn't bother to listen. I returned to my memories as the grey afternoon faded outside the window.
It took days before I started to listen to him, and more before I could say anything in reply. Just one word at a time: no, I'm not hungry, okay, I'll get dressed, stop, I don't want to hear it. There were days I hated him for keeping me alive, but even more of sick loathing because it wasn't him.
The worst times were when he tried to say it wasn't because of me. I knew he was lying, but some ghost inside me clung to his frail assurances, desperate to believe it, and that sparked another layer of self-hatred that was almost impossible to handle. And, maybe even more than that, it just brought back the searing memories that I couldn't banish - and that some part of me didn't want to, because they were all I had.
Well, perhaps not the worst.
"I talked with Dan and Halo again today," the buck murmured, setting his keys on the table with as soft jangle. I squeezed my eyes shut and curled up into a tighter ball on the moth-eaten couch.
His voice moved closer, to just a few feet behind and above me. "They're worried about you."
No, they're not. They're not they're not they're not they're not they're -
"Nick." His hand brushed my shoulder, making me flinch away. "You really need to go see them. It doesn't need to be today, but - I think it will help."
How couldn't he understand? I couldn't go back - not there, not to where he'd -
He was fine. He had to be. I just couldn't -
Please not again. Please, I don't want to see it again - his eyes, glassed over while my paws were - please, I'm sorry!
"Nick? What do y-"
"No!!"
I bolted, dashing back to the bedroom and clawing at the window catch until he caught up with me, then struggling uselessly against his hands and my memories alike as the agony-laced hatred rose up and drowned me.
More days and nights of misery. There was little to distinguish them - the sun rose, and once I wasn't so sick sometimes I was made to go outside, though watched. The sun set, and eventually I had to return to the terrifying world of dreams - nightmares of all the cruelty I'd heaped upon him, and - more painful still - of all the kindness and joy he'd given in return.
But then there was the day the stag caught me in a relatively lucid mood, and cornered me in the seat under the bookshelves in the den, gently pushing me back by the chest when I tried to leave and waiting until I eventually gave up and settled down before speaking.
"So tell me about him," he said simply.
I shook my head mutely, but the stag just sat there, everything about him saying he was prepared to wait all week if necessary. "I don't want to," I mumbled.
"You can't keep it locked up forever," Roderick replied steadily. He pushed me down again when I tried to get up for a glass of water, and waited me out.
"I don't know what to say," I whispered.
"Start at the beginning, then," he ordered firmly. "When did you meet?"
"At - at the beginning of sixth form," I stammered. He nodded expectantly, and I slowly began. "It w-was after your class, during - during gym..."
Bit by bit, he pulled the story out of me, working through all the screams and cursing and tears. He ordered teriyaki for dinner, giving me a brief respite until it arrived, then went right back to the last few weeks, gently drawing out each tortured word and fragment.
I couldn't do the last day, though, and he didn't press me. Instead he reached out and touched my chest once more. "That's what I want you to remember, okay?" he said. "All the times you spent with him. Don't just focus on the ending, or the bad times - because at the end of the day you stuck it out together. You think you can give it a try?" He waited until I gave a tiny nod, then helped me up. "Good. Now you'd better get some sleep."
But that didn't happen for a long time as I lay in bed knotted up with residual tension and whimpering softly from the magnitude of that promise.
I was trembling badly as the beat-up car pulled into the driveway. Halo was standing in the doorway, Dan just behind her, and even through the car windows I couldn't look at them. I huddled down in the seat, chest so tight that every breath came out as a soft, high-pitched whine, and fought tears. If I could have right then, I'd have turned and run and never stopped.
Professor Roderick turned the car off. "We're here," he said quietly.
I shook my head. "I can't do it," I whimpered. "He's - I c-can't."
The stag reached over and took my shoulder, rubbing it slowly. "You have to," he responded. "You can do this, Nick."
I shook my head again, harder, but he just stayed there, working gradually from my arm up to my neck and back down again. Finally I looked up into his dark eyes, desperately grabbing hold of the comfort there like a tiny, frail lifeline.
"Okay?" he asked softly.
Swallowing, I gave a tiny nod.
He got the door for me, but I refused his proffered arm of support. My ankle ached with every step I took, but it paled beside the heartwrenching pain as I remembered all the times he'd taken those same steps, walking up after school. It was the longest walk of my life.
At last I stopped a few feet away from the door, eyes down and ears pressed against my skull as I fought to keep from crying. "I - I'm sorry," I whispered to them.
I couldn't see anything but their feet, but I knew what their expressions had to be. How couldn't they be furious? How could Professor Roderick even have gotten them to see me, when it was my fault, unless it was to blame me themselves? In a second they were going to -
The feet took a rapid step forward and I felt their arms wrap around me. "Oh, Nick," Halo mumbled into my ear. "I'm so glad you're safe."
So glad that I'm - ? I twisted in their grip as a near-inaudible whine forced its way past my muzzle. They didn't let go, and I hated them for it. How dare you - when he - I sobbed, losing control yet again.
I balked when they tried to lead me inside. How could I go in - where he -
Somehow, Dan and Halo seemed to know what I was thinking, and instead of pulling harder they settled slowly onto the doorstep, one on either side, and laid their arms on my shoulders while I buried my face in my knees.
I heard Professor Roderick stepping closer, felt his hand lightly brush my shin. No one said anything, which I suppose was the right thing to do - I couldn't have spoken if I wanted to.
I don't know how long we stayed there. Long enough, I guess - when they finally started to get up, I didn't stop them.
The house was exactly like it had been when we were here last. The furniture was all the same, the quality of the air, the scent - everything. And every bit of it was a blow to the gut, a barbed echo of a time when everything had been okay.
Michael and Aislyn were standing by the hearth. I stopped on the other side of the room, aware of how scruffy I looked, the knowledge that I wasn't the one they wanted to see burning in their eyes. I dug my claws into my palms, wishing they were still sharp enough to draw out even a sliver of the pain.
Before I could say anything, Michael's face crumpled and he ran out of the room. Aislyn didn't; she took a half-step after him, then stopped. "Nick?" she asked softly.
"S-sorry," I mumbled again. "I should have -"
"It wasn't you," the wolf interrupted.
"B-but I was right there," I pleaded. Why wouldn't she be angry with me?
Aislyn shook her head rapidly, her eyes glistening. "Nick, it wasn't you. You didn't do anything wrong. He was just -" she stopped short as I bared my teeth in pain.
Halo walked back in, trailed by Michael. He stopped in front of me, arms held stiffly at his sides. "Sorry," he mumbled, his lips trembling. I could hear him whimpering, and an answering whine forced its way out from my chest. God, I wished I had even a single tear left. Instead, all I could manage what that thin whine as the young deer slowly moved to sit on the couch between Dan and Halo.
After a few minutes, Halo slowly held out a crumpled, dark leather box. "He - Jake had this for you when he - when he was hit."
I whimpered, shaking my head and trying unsuccessfully to pull away. Halo moved off the couch so that she could reach over and gently wrap my paws around it.
Inside was a battered, half-crushed collar of silver links. Someone had obviously straightened it out as much as possible, but it was still obvious that it had been mauled when he'd -
I didn't know what to do. It was broken - the links were all bent. I looked up, feeling lost. Halo's eyes were moist, and a tear was rolling down her cheek. Behind here, Aislyn nodded slightly. Put it on, she mouthed.
Hesitantly, my ears flat against my skull, I fumbled with the catch, but then stopped. Next to the catch, on the inside where no one would see it, was a little engraved circle with his name and mine inside it.
I almost couldn't get it on after that, my paws were shaking so hard. I could feel the crushed, twisted metal around my neck, and somehow it made it all real. He was gone. Jake was gone, and he wasn't coming back.
My vision blurred with tears I couldn't shed. I wanted to scream, but my throat was constricted too tight. All I could do was squeeze my eyes shut and rock back and forth on the couch, feeling the cold, heavy weight over my throat.
A paw touched mine. I cringed back, not ready for anything more, but it simply set a bit of paper over my clenched fist, then retreated. When I could finally look to see what it was, an innocent little note on folded, crumpled stationary looked back at me. Suddenly I knew I didn't want to know what it said.
I opened it.
It was written in his usual bold script, but he had taken care to keep it from wandering as much as usual.
Nick,
This is in case I chicken out again on saying it aloud. I just want you to know I love you. I should have told you a month ago - I should have told you the day I met you except I didn't know it. You've been through a lot, and you have your problems, but you're the most amazing, beautiful, wonderful person in the world to me.
Please don't be upset. I know how much we've fought, and how many times I've screwed up with you, but I swear it's true. And you're too important for me to not say it anymore. I'm grateful for every minute you've spent with me, and I hope someday I can pay you back. Thank you so much for bing who you are.
I love you, mutt
Jake
It should have hurt. I suppose in a way it did. But somehow it calmed me down - enough to look up at everyone. Professor Roderick, as usual, was keeping his thoughts to himself, but he relaxed a bit when I met his gaze. Michael had moved to Halo's lap, and she was rocking him back and forth slightly, eyes shut and cheeks wet. Aislyn returned my gaze, then stood. "I'll get supper ready," she murmured to the room at large, and padded out.
"Can - can I go upstairs?" I whispered - hoarse, but understandable.
Dan studied my face, then nodded. "All right," he answered, his voice betraying a rasp as well. I got up and, feeling their eyes on me, headed slowly for the stairs.
"He'll need someone to stay up with him..." I heard Professor Roderick say quietly before I got out of hearing, and remarked at how furious that would have made me, once. Now I simply didn't care, because here was the door to his room, standing exactly where it always had, unchanged. It was only my mind that made it seem so much heavier.
His room still smelled like him. Oh God, it smelled like him. But so faint... and musty - just a hollow reminder of who he'd been.
Someone had been in and made the bed, made some attempt to straighten the mess on his desk, but not much. I stepped slowly over to the desk, ran my paw carefully over a stack of maths work, a pencil cup, a monitor. It hurt - I was never going to watch him try to work while I teased him again - yet even so it was a distraction, and I knew it. I just...
I sat on the edge of the bed and brushed the coverlet with my paw. It was just a single sheet - after all, it was still the middle of summer, and neither of us had issues with the cold anyway. When my paw reached the pillows, a tiny, miserable whine escaped me, and I curled up on the mattress, clutching the pillow to my chest in a vain attempt to cover the emptiness there. I buried my nose in the padding and breathed the faint, stale remnants of Jake's scent while dry sobs wracked my body. And that was where I stayed until Aislyn quietly came to get me for supper.