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I didn't want to die for some grand, stupid reason. I didn't want to die to make a point. I just wanted to die because I had seriously messed up my life, and I saw no way of making it better. I couldn't even decide who I was. My life made no sense. I had even ruined my best, and really only, friendship. Luke had to hate me, after the way I had acted.

It was Thursday. I sat on my bed, thinking about how bad I had made things. Luke's confrontation with me at school still rung clear in my head..."Your secret is safe with me." I had caused all this...I had a plan.

"Michael...Michael!" A little voiced called from behind my door coupled with several knocks.

"What?" I asked as I rubbed my eyes in case they had been watering; I was so emotionally destroyed, I couldn't even tell if I was crying.

Matt opened the door a bit and stuck his head in, his ears laid back a little from my gruff acknowledgement. "Dad wanted me to tell you to wash up for dinner."

"Oh, alright," I smiled, "I'll be out in a second." Matt nodded and ran down the hall towards the dining room. After washing my hands, I headed out to the table. Dad had already set my plate on the table. As I sat down, I mentally fortified myself. I hoped to hide my inner turmoil as much as possible.

"Did you get much of your homework done? I know you had some make-up work to do from Monday..." Dad asked as he started on his peppercorn chicken breast.

"Yeah, I got it all done." I said with a faked smile. I would miss Dad, and Matt wouldn't understand. I had nothing to stay for though, my life slowly coming to tatters.

"Hey! Guess what happened today!" Matt exclaimed ecstatically as soon as his chance appeared. This was the perfect opportunity to mull over my plan silently. I knew Matt would talk for a long time, so I pretended to listen as I silently ate. Then I came to me! I had a grand idea that would be very easy to complete. As soon as I had an opening between my little brother's entire retelling of the day, I spoke up. "Hey Dad?" I asked good-naturedly.

"Yes, Michael?"

"I'll go ahead and do the dishes tonight, alright?" It would not be out of the ordinary, since I already did them a few nights a week to help Dad if he came home tired. And luckily, tonight he looked very tired. He smiled back at me wearily.

"That would be awesome. Thank you."

"It's no problem." I smiled back; things would work just the way I wanted.

~~~ ~~~ ~~~

Later that night, after Dad had gone to his room and Matt was all tucked in; I crept into my room quietly. Very carefully, I slide the long carving knife under my mattress. I wasn't quite ready to go yet, but I had my tool. I couldn't help but wonder what everyone would think after I had done away with myself. I hoped they wouldn't all feel regret.

~~~ ~~~ ~~~

I woke up, and I knew it had to be today. It made me sick, but also very glad. I managed to convince my dad into letting me have another mental health day. "I know how crazy school can be sometimes, don't worry." He told me as he left for work. That left a good portion of the day to me. It would be perfect.

~~~ ~~~ ~~~

Dad would be home in 30 minutes and I hadn't even managed to take the blade out yet. I had scrawled a note, even if it was cliché. All I had to do was shove the knife in between my ribs and pierce my heart. It was so simple, but I had troubles raising the blade.

When my dad did come home, I hid the knife away and turned on some loud music. My dad would probably think I was finding a stress outlet.

"How you doing?" he asked as he peaked his head in, ears perked.

"I'm fine, but can I continue to be alone? I still need to unwind."

"Yes, of course. I'll come knock on your door when suppers ready, if you feel up to it. Come get me if you need anything."

"Thanks Dad, I will." I said with a grimace. I turned up the music a little...did I really want to do this? Oh, Luke...I could see his smiling face...he was probably getting off the bus now.

Your secret is safe with me! I've had it! Luke's enraged voice crept back in my head. All week, he had given me dirty looks and tried to confront me. I knew I had ruined everything...Luke wouldn't want to be friends with me after I had acted like a...like a... like a faggot. Tear started to flow freely as I heard Jace's mocking, fags go to hell... I took grip of the knife handle under my mattress and pulled it out. I couldn't stay...I didn't have anyone left.

My sobs came quickly, and the music was loud enough to cover it up. I took the knife and pointed at my chest. It couldn't hurt as much as I hurt now...it would make it all better...I felt something warm flow from a prick in my chest. I looked down and saw the tip of the knife in my chest, maybe a fourth of an inch. I didn't even know...I pulled it out, wincing as it stung a bit. I would have to be fast. No hesitation.

No backing out.

No friends.

No life worth having.

No hope.

The sun shone through my window as I leveled the blade with my heart, the scent of blood filled my nostrils.

One.

It would be over so soon.

Two.

No more hurt and no more struggle. No more...

Something fast and grey grabbed my wrist and wrenched the knife away. I only had enough time to see Luke's worried face before his lips met mine as he pushed me down onto the bed. It was fierce, full of raw emotion; he hugged me tight to him. It was beautiful. Luke shouldn't be kissing me at all, but I never wanted it to stop...I broke the connection, looked Luke in the eye, then pulled him close and cried.

How could I have been this dumb? He made me feel needed...wanted...

The warmth of my friends embrace seeped into me slowly and started to warm and repair my shattered state-of-mind. Luke, all this time, had tried to console me after that Sunday.

"I'm sorry, Luke. I'm so, so sorry" I cried into his shoulder. My mind had twisted his words, altered his face...he had never once been anything but worried. I had done the pushing. My chest stung, my eyes stung, my soul stung, and all the while a warm hand rubbed slowly along my back.

"Shhh...it's okay Michael." He whispered soothingly in my ear. My hands gripped his shirt tightly as I cried harder.

"It's not okay...not okay...you have to hate me!"

"Then, Michael, tell me why I'm here right now?" I didn't answer. I didn't have to answer, and Luke knew that.

Eventually, Luke unwrapped himself from me with a smile. "Take off you shirt" he said.

"I...uh..."

"Not anything like that, you dummy. You have blood on it, and your dad will wonder. I'll take it and clean it for you. Where is your bathroom? We should get some ointment on that cut so it doesn't become infected. And, do you have any air freshener? Blood isn't a normal scent for a bedroom."

~~~ ~~~ ~~~

I woke up feeling better than I have in nearly a month. Yesterday, Luke and I managed to cover up everything quietly. Luke had taken the sullied shirt as he'd said. Once Dad had gone to bed, I had snuck out to the kitchen to clean and put away the knife. I had also sprayed some orange scented spray in my room to hide any smell of blood. The note I had written was now in many small pieces at the bottom of the dumpster.

I saw a text from Luke when I was awake enough to check my phone. *How are you feeling?* it read. I smiled at the text.

*better than ive felt in a while* I replied. Groggily, I shoved the covers off and sat up. To my surprise, dreams of Luke had not pervaded my sleep.

*That's great! I'll be glad to have the old you back.*

*i'm glad too. i missed me a lot* I texted as I slowly meandered around my room, gathering things I would need for my shower.

*Hey, I wanna just say sorry about yesterday, but it was the first thing that came to mind.*

It took me a little bit to realize he meant the kissing/hugging/crying. *no, its really alright* I replied. *anything was fine at that point, really. it did help.* then quickly, I followed up with *don't get any ideas though*.

It was about 11 in the morning when I left my room, much later then I normally ever got up. I tossed the phone on my bed as I left; I didn't need it to take a shower. It felt great in the warmth of the shower, like my whole body was starting to heal. The bad memories seemed to drip away, or at least lose their malignancy, as the warm water rained on me. I smiled the first truly sincere smile in a while as I dried, and, throwing on the pair of jeans and the t-shirt I had brought in, I felt nearly new.

"Good Morning!" I announced to no one in particular as I walked into the kitchen, tail wagging and ears perked happily.

"I was wondering when you would finally get up; this is late, even for you." My dad said with a chuckle. He was sitting in the recliner in the living room, watching some home improvement show on TV. Matt looked up from his array of Courageous Canines of Justice action figures spread all over the floor.

"Michael! I was worried, but Dad said it would be okay. Are you alright? I was worried! Are you sick?" Matt spewed out in a blur as he jumped up and ran towards me.

"Matt, silly..." I said as I gave him a hug. "I was only sleeping. But thank you for caring."

"You're welcome!" he replied.

"Well, I guess you're hungry, being that you've just woken up." Dad said with a slight groan as he lifted himself from his seat. "What do you want to eat?"

~~~ ~~~ ~~~

The next two weeks of school passed like a breeze, leading into Thanksgiving break. Not once did Luke mention the happenings of that truly eventful Friday, and neither did I. The Monday after, we had came back with an unspoken agreement that things were going back to normal. During these weeks, I had no trouble from any dreams. Knock on wood; I finally seemed to be free.

"You know, maybe we could all hang out at some point over the break." Luke pondered aloud over Friday-before-break lunch.

"I can't." Natalie interjected sadly. "My family is going to Arkansas for Thanksgiving, and we won't be back until that Sunday before school starts."

"Arkansas? That doesn't seem like a very fun place to go..." I said as picked through that day's food.

"We only go every few years, and it's to visit my grandparents on my mom's side. All the times I remember, it hasn't been to fun." She grimaced.

"I'm sorry. That's too bad...Michael?" Luke turned to me with a questioning glance. "In that case, would you maybe like to come over tomorrow or Sunday? My parents are really into the whole have-dinner-with-their-kid's-friends-to-make-sure-they-aren't-a-bad-influence thing." Luke looked very hopeful, and it sounded great.

"We have no relatives coming out, so I don't see why I couldn't, but I will need to ask my dad to make sure."

"That's totally fine!"

Natalie looked at us with a little pouty lip. "Stupid Arkansas..."she muttered.

The bus ride home was relatively nice; no annoying kids to snarl at. At our bus stop, Luke and I got off and started walking together, talking about the day like we always have. When it came time for Luke to head down his street, he reminded me to text him my dad's answer. I assured him I would as I started walking again. Cold November wind whipped around me, so I hurried home from there.

"Dad! I'm home!" I called out as I opened the door. I'd put my backpack down and my coat in the closet before Dad walked into the living room from down the hall.

"Hey, how was school? Matt's in his room." He said as I started on my homework at the kitchen table.

"It was pretty good. Had a test in math today, which I think I did great on."

"That's good; you need to get that grade up." He said to me with a pointed look.

"I know, but math isn't really easy for me. You know that. I'm getting better though, so don't worry. On a completely different subject, Luke and his parents were wondering if I could maybe go over for dinner tomorrow or Sunday."

"So...what are you saying?" My dad asked with false innocents. I gave Dad only a partially withering look.

"Would that be alright?"

"As of right now, I see no problems with it at all. As you probably guessed, we have the Thanksgiving holiday all to ourselves. Then, maybe, we could invite him over. I only met him once, that Friday when he brought over your missed-school work."

"So can I text him that it's okay?" I asked just to make sure.

"Yes, that's fine. You know, if you wanted, you could go tomorrow, and then stay the night."

"Thank you!" I said with a smile. After I finished the math problem I was working on, I pulled out my phone, flipped it open, and texted Luke. *hey! my dad said it would be alright! he also kinda mentioned that, if you and your parents were ok with it, i could go over sat then spend the night.* after it sent, I set my phone next to my work book and kept powering through the math problems while I waited for his response. My phone vibrated violently against the wood table when I was almost done with the prescribed set of homework problems.

*OH MY GOD! That would be so much fun! And guess what, my parents are totally cool with it! I was originally thinking about making it a sleep over but...never mind...anyway, I'm so excited!* Luke had sent. I decided not to press the "never mind"-ed reason.

*yeah man! im excited too! what time do you want me over tomorrow?*

*Umm...how about around 4:30?* I read after my math work had been put away.

*alright, see you then!* I sent, then I went and found my dad in his bedroom, looking to be sorting through bills. "Hey, Luke said I should be there about 4:30 tomorrow."

"Cool" he said without looking up. "Will you want me to drive you over?"

"No Dad, it'll be fine, but thank you." I answered as I left to go finish up any other homework. When I passed Matt's door, I took a peek inside since I hadn't heard a peep from him all the time I've been home. There he was, lying on his bed, curled in a tight ball with his tail caught in his arms, along with a certain stuffed tiger. I smiled at the cute scene.

Dad did, of course, have to wake him up to eat dinner. He was very drowsy when he came to the table, tail and ears drooping. And completely out of norm, though expected, he talked very little the whole meal. He perked up a little, though, when Dad asked, "Michael, do you need to bring anything special tomorrow?"

"Bring to what, Michael?"Matt asked, looking very quizzical.

"No I don't, just the average stuff. And Matt, I'm going over to a friend's house tomorrow and spending the night." I answered.

Dad just nodded while Matt said, "Oh, okay." He looked a little dejected; I'm sure because he wasn't included. There was no need to worry though; Dad would surely find something fun to do with him.

Dad did the dishes tonight, so I went ahead and got ready for bed a little early. I had a sneaking suspicion that I would not get much sleep tomorrow night. After brushing my teeth and saying good night to my father and Matt, I pulled back the covers of my bed and got in. I wrapped them around me tightly to stave off the cold night. The calming sound of the small fan in my room helped lull me to sleep.

~~~ ~~~ ~~~

I woke up about nine the next day, full of excitement for tonight's events. Something else very...interesting...happened last night as well. I wasn't as thrown by at as I would have originally expected, but it left me thinking...I rolled out of bed, and got ready to take a shower. The sooner I got up, the sooner I could find something to pass the time between now and 4:30.

I could hear Matt's cartoons from the living room as I walked out into the hallway. As I walked into the bathroom, I saw my fur sticking everywhere. I sighed, there seemed no way I could wake up looking halfway decent. Oh well, I took a shower in the morning for a reason.

Dad made me eggs and sausage links when I went out into the kitchen. Matt was still watching the TV, clutching one of his Courageous Canines of Justice figurines whilst the very same superhero force battled on the screen. After breakfast, I went with Dad and Matt to do some shopping. Dad planned to get as much Turkey Day shopping done, because he knew it would be harder and harder to find what we wanted the closer we got to the day. Throughout the whole process, Luke and I texted back and forth.

By the time we got home, it was about one in the afternoon. I busied myself the rest of the time by backing everything I would need in a small duffle bag I kept at the back of my closet, reading, surfing the web, and laying around. Like magic...really slow magic...it was finally time to go.

"Bye Dad! I call you if I need anything. As of right now, I'll try to be back no later than 5 tomorrow, but if it looks like things will go later or something, I'll call."

"Exactly" Dad said approvingly. "Be sure to have fun."

"Oh, I definitely will." There was just one thing I had decided needed to be done. After all day of deliberating about it in my head, I'd finally a good decision.

"Bye-bye Michael! See you tomorrow!" Matt nearly shouted as he ran up to hug me.

"See ya tomorrow." I said as I hugged him back and ruffled the fur between his ears. I then opened the front door and set off down the street, duffle bag on one shoulder. I texted him *on my way* as soon as I could get the phone out of my pocket.

Though I was in very high spirits, I kept my head down as the chilly wind blew around me. I nearly jumped out of my fur when I heard a "How's it going?" from out of nowhere. There stood Luke at the corner of his street, happy as ever.

"I didn't see you at all..." I said as I stopped beside him.

"No, it would appear that all you saw was sidewalk." I punched him in the arm.

"Thanks, smart-ass."

"You're very welcome!" Luke said, his voice dripping with fake enthusiasm as a very real smile played across his face. Such antics continued all the way to his house, where his parents greeted both of us warmly. His mother said dinner wouldn't be ready for another 30 to 45 minutes so "why don't you boys go up to Luke's bedroom. I'll call you down when it's ready."

"Alright Mom, thanks! Come on!" he said as he wiped of his feet and bounded up the stairs. Quickly, I followed him up to his bedroom. From there, we talked about school a bit and started up a video game, Modern Warfurs. A little later, Mrs. Turner opened the door after a few knocks.

"Put the game down boys," she announced with a smile," it's time to eat. You have the rest of the night for this kind of stuff."

"Alright Mom, we'll be out in sec." Luke said as he paused the game and set down his controller. "Come on, the bathroom's over here." He beckoned me as I got up to follow in suit. Once we had washed our hands, the grey fur led me down the stairs and to the dining room I had only seen once before.

"Here, Michael." Mr. Turner pointed to a place setting at one of the table sides. "You'll sit next to Luke and me."

"Alright, thank you."

"Michael," Luke touched me lightly on the shoulder from behind to catch my attention. "Do you want some pop or something to drink? There's also water...tea..."

I thought for a second as I settled myself in my chair. It kind of felt like I was being waited on and I didn't particularly like not being helpful. "Um, how about some iced tea please?" I said finally.

"Alright." he said with a smile as he turned towards the beautiful kitchen to get the drink.

"Now Luke, just go ahead and sit down." His mother insisted soon after he had poured my drink. "This is your night too, so don't be too worried."

"Thanks Mom." He said as he set down his and my drinks in their respective places, then parked his rear in the seat left of me. "You're in for a treat! My mom went all out tonight for you; she made lasagna. It's always fantastic!" Even before he had told me, my nose had pinpointed the layered Italian meal. The smell was nearly intoxicating; I was all but drooling. Not soon enough for my taste buds, Mr. and Mrs. Turner brought over everyone's plates. As soon as everyone had sat down, Luke's mom gave us all the go-ahead. My nose had not lied about how good it tasted, neither had Luke.

The talk over dinner started off on how everyone's day was. Everyone seemed to be having very good day, though when asked, I left out my great decision and plan I had made earlier that day. It didn't seem very important, so I figured I wouldn't say a word.

From some of the conversations, I was able to learn a few things. I guess Luke's dad had some sort of stay-at-home sales job, and his mother worked as a manager for some shop. Eventually the topics shifted to what I knew would come up; me. Luke's parents were nice about it though, not very pressing, which made things quite a bit easier for me. I told them about my dad's odd hour-ed technology job, about Matt, about Utah, about what my life and my mom had been like there, and about my takes on Kearny. This all spanned desert too, a home-made chocolate caramel torte.

"Thank you so much for all this wonderful food, Mrs. Turner." I said, stuffed from all the truly delicious food. Luke nodded his agreement as I started to protest his mother taking away my dishes.

"Nonsense. Don't worry about the dishes; you're the guest! You guys can go upstairs again if you want. And Michael, Luke knows were towels and stuff are for whenever you take a shower."

"Thank you again! And I'll probably take one in the morning."

"It doesn't matter to me, dear." She said as me and Luke started for his room. "Please, be in bed by one!" she called from the kitchen just as we reached the top of the stairs.

"No problem Mom!" Luke called back. When we got into his room, it was about 7:30 and we resumed playing our game. We played and played, me sucking it up while he saved my ass. Many campaigns latter, it was midnight. It caught me off guard, but we had been playing for a long time. Periodically, Luke had gone down to get sodas or chips, but playing a game for nearly 5 hours was a first for me.

"Luke?"

"Hmm, yeah?" He sounded as tired as I was about to tell him I was.

"We have been playing a long time. I don't know how much more my eyes can take before I can't concentrate on the screen." Truthfully, I was already having troubles staying focused

"Yeah, I would have to concur. You ready to call it a night?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Alright, I'm going to go take a shower. Be back in a bit." And with that, Luke left the room. I turned to the airbed that his parents had been nice enough to set up in his room for me. While Luke was off in the shower, I took the time to change into my pajama pants and formulate just how I wanted things to go. When Luke finally got back, I was already under the blankets set up on the air mattress. Luke, too, only wore a pair of fleece pants. His semi-damp fur clung softly to his lithe body, framing his muscles. A part of my mind said to look away, but the rest of me told it to shut up. I had to wait just a bit longer...

"Night Michael; tonight was super fun." Luke said with a yawn as he crawled into his own bed, tail wagging tiredly.

"Night. Thanks so much for having me over. It was fun." I answered. Luke reached over to his desk and switched of the lamp, immersing us in darkness and silence. Though I was dog-tired, I couldn't go to sleep just quite yet. I had my phone out to watch the time pass. I didn't know how he would react, but I had to try, and it had to be just the right time.

I waited till I heard Luke's breath start to steady off, meaning he was almost asleep. Quietly, I turned on my side and propped myself up on my elbow. "Luke! Hey Luke." I whispered as loud as I could. I heard his breath quicken again along with the rustling of sheets.

"Yeah Michael, what is it?" He asked tiredly, but not angrily.

"I...I have something I need to tell you..."

"Oh? What is it?" his whisper grew louder just a bit as some intrigue entered his voice.

"Well, come over here!" I tried to make it sound like it was important, which it kind of was...

"What is it?"

"I said come over here!" I whispered again. After a small sigh, I heard more sheets and a thump of what I suspect to be Luke's knees. Luke's shape came closer as he crawled on hands and knees to the air mattress. He stopped right next to the bed, close enough that I could reach out and touch him.

"So, what is it?" Luke asked, leaning forward a little.

"Well...it might be a little strong to say, but strong is how I feel..." In a flash, I reached out and grabbed Luke, pulling him in and on top of me. Before he could say a word, I wrapped my arms around him and let my lips meet his. I felt him freeze a bit, but pushed it away with the memory of what he did that fateful Friday. Rolling us onto our sides, so that we lay facing each other, I let the kiss break. "I just wanted to say...

...that I think...

...I love you, Luke..."

He was speechless. I used the opportunity to snuggle up close to him and promptly fall asleep in his warmth...