FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

Forgotten Gods

Epilogue: Spark of life

_ _

Scream.

_ _

Gone. Heart's eternal flutter-pulse, bone's steadily immortal framework. Skein of skin and fur, enfolding and enveloping, protecting always, always. To be is to live.

_ _

A wild, gasping howl of pure horrified terror filled her ears, blocking out everything as she hunched over, gasping and choking as howling, wracking sobs shook through her body, the tears blinding her.

_ _

To be like this, with nothing, nothing to enfold, to safeguard that blinded roil of emotion which is you... is to die.

_ _

Scream... fade. Billionths of merest seconds are as unto aeons of withering, spinning off into the dark. Nothing can survive...

_ _

Saviour.

_ _

_Held at last, protected within... but not just earthly shell. Held. Held within. _

_ _

More, as we gasped, too close in death. Faint... who... images of blurring, blinding, warring, chaos...

More, as we gasp, close in darkness and flame.

_ _

(In acids)

_ _

And regenerated, rejuvenated... and released.

_ _

_ _

_ _

Knitting nothingness into form, into a form we knew so well.

_ _

But terror hides the terrifying. Banish, lose, send into the deepest darkness of the rising mind...

_ _

And scream.

_ _

***

And scream.

A wild, gasping howl of pure horrified terror filled her ears, blocking out everything as she hunched over, gasping and choking as howling, wracking sobs shook through her body, the tears blinding her and searing her eyes. She felt her thin tail pushing at her cheek, and clutched at it, hugging her knees, as another unearthly shriek swept through her, shaking her body like a leaf before the wind.

"What, in the name of the Catalyst, is-JESS!"

The creature that was Jessica Gaunt barely heard the sharp cry of alarm. Her eyes were still shut, overflowing with tears, as she wept so hard it made her jaw ache, her round ears flattened against her skull. The world was dark, and cold and wet, and the surface beneath her was soft, like muscled flesh, and clammy. And she was dying, the whole world ending in that firestorm of agony as the young mouse sobbed and shook within that impossible creature, listening to the gurgling sounds of her doom -

• and suddenly, she was enfolded, held, bound by strong restraints which clutched her still... squeezing her deeper into the beast's innards as she cried. The rodent screamed, her eyes slamming open at last, blinded utterly by the sudden light, and shoved out desperately, wriggling and thrashing with all her strength. "NNN...NO!"

_ _

She stared up, her eyes still swimming with tears, just in time for the surprised Oscar Shaw to smack straight into the bedroom wall. He hissed in alarm, his feathers ruffling instinctively as he rolled forwards on the his knees, adopting a dangerous-looking combat stance with his talons raised... and then the falcon blinked, his eyes mirroring her in his shock and surprise. "J... Jess?"

Jess couldn't so much as close her gaping jaw, the roaring in her ears overwhelming all sound. "B... b..."

Without another word, the avian reached for her again, and this time Jess did not hesitate, almost snatching at her protector in her desperate need, and they embraced with pure communal horror. She felt herself hug him so hard his shoulder must have flared up, but the avian merely grunted, dipping his beak to nuzzle gently at the hollow between her shoulder and neck as the tears flowed free again.

The mouse felt the world fall away around her, burrowing up to Oscar's lean chest... and the sound finally brought her back. His heartbeat, strong and steady against her muzzle, beneath his feathers. Ba-dum. Ba-dum. Alive. Alive.

_ _

She gasped, panting with delirious emotion as the avian stroked gently at that spot just behind her left ear. "Jess. Come on, it's okay. It's okay."

"No..." The mouse closed her eyes again to block out another onslaught of tears. "L-look... it wasn't... I don't.... look, I k-know you're thinking. But it wasn't. It wasn't a dream. It was... you were..."

She gesticulated weakly, trying to bring back the terror: within, crushed, without any hope or comfort or salvation of any kind... prey... and was fully aware how silly she looked. It was to Oscar's credit that he did not smile.

"Look, Jess-"

"No!" she snapped, angry now. "That... that thing couldn't have been a dream! It was too... too -

"Jess, I said - "

"It wasn't! That was real, for god's sake... I don't know how, but that was real, and you died, you did, I mean it, you d-died in agony... and I heard every second of it." She whimpered, her eyes closing again. I heard every scream. "A-and then... and then that... thing... it..."

"Jess." Oscar's voice was soft and firm. "Listen to me, okay? Come on, Jessie girl. Listen."

The rodent felt her ears shudder at the sound of his calm voice again. Oh, thank the Catalyst, thank you. Never leave me. Please. Never leave me again.

"Sshh..." The avian cawed softly, still hugging her. "Now... be calm. Just stay calm." He sighed. "I'm not going to ask you to explain yet, Jessie girl. Just... get your breath back."

"I... look, it..."

"Quiet, okay? And that's an order, Jess. It's okay. It's okay..."

And time tried it's best to heal all ills, until at last the mouse drew a shuddering, whimpering breath... and held it. She swallowed, holding it back as her arms were pried away gently, the avian ignoring her maddened squeak of protest. Oscar smiled ruefully.

"Okay now, are we?"

She didn't, couldn't, nod. No, I'm not okay. You died. We both did, y-you understand, and the worst part... was that I was last. In that darkness, in that wet clenching darkness. I was still alive when you weren't, Oscar. She had never before truly realised just what his job could have entailed, had her father been a more high-profile figure. Had the threats actually manifested - as they had, had in this terrible memory. Willing to die... no, you can't do that for me... please...

_ _

Jess felt her ears flattening, and all that came from her lips was a nervous squeak. The falcon held his peace, and she tried to think, tried to understand the horror, the terror, the memories which existed no matter what... and which he did not possess...

The memories...

"Wh... what?"

Oscar raised an steel-grey eyebrow, shifting round to sit cross legged in front of her on the bed... and the setting itself was strange too, too familiar and too strange... but she couldn't think of it now. "What?"

The mouse gestured helplessly. "I-I don't... it's gone!"

And it was. Like mist in the wind, like the ripples on water. Jess felt her mind grasping frantically at the ethereal experiences, but they fled her touch instantly, blurring and sinking until all she could remember was a cruel, alien voice, a green light... and the terror. The pure, total, grief.

"I can't... I can't remember..."

"You see?" Oscar smiled again, and her heart ached with relief. "It was... whatever it was, it was just a nightmare, Jess. We've all had them." He trailed off then, blinking slightly... and then - in an instant - the ever-efficient bodyguard was back. "Certainly didn't sound like a nice one... but I can assure you that I'm alive, and so are you."

"B-but..." the mouse hugged her tail again, curling herself a little closer to him on the bed nervously as she nibbled the end. "But look, Oscar... I've had dreams, okay... this wasn't like that. I'm not..." She blinked, frowning as the bed itself made itself known, along with the walls, ceiling and furniture. "Wait. What the... I'm in here?"

The falcon glanced around, shrugging a little self-consciously at the militaristically organised room, the smart, regimented posters of his favourite jazz musicians; the small, locked box that she had never asked about and he had never spoken of. "Well, you've always been welcome in my quarters."

During her studies, the apartment she had rented had been divided into a couple of rooms for the rodent's inseparable protector to live, just like the country house and various boarding schools where she had grown up. But just like her earlier life, Jess had found that it was his quarters that she felt safest. No-one else entered - indeed, she remembered wryly that several of her school friends had been somewhat terrified of him - and the place held an atmosphere of perfect, unbreachable peace. She spent more time in the falcon's rooms than her own.

Oscar stretched slightly, getting smoothly to his feet - he had evidently been up for some time, his feathers sleek and slicked down after his morning workout and shower. "You were like this when I woke, so... I let you sleep."

The mouse stared at him. "I slept in your bed?" That had been the taboo she hadn't wanted to break, much as she had longed for it on lonelier nights. The final concession to the ideal of an impersonal bodyguard, which the two of them had all but abandoned. And then: "W-wait. We slept in your bed?"

He chuckled drily - although by now there was a sense of awkwardness that he could not disguise. "Sssh, Jessie girl. You seemed quite happy while you were there. And yes, we were clothed. Naughty mouse."

"Yes, but... how did we... how did I end up here?" Confusion had only shifted to another form, it seemed. The falcon hesitated, narrowing his eyes a little in confusion. "Well... all I remember of last night is you... packing..." he blinked. "Packing for that trip to... blast, that's not like me. Name's gone completely. The... the mars..."

He blinked again, the clean yellow of his vigilant eyes spreading around his fierce, focussed pupils once more.

"The - Marsden field trip. Next week, isn't it?"

"I... I don't..."

Jess gritted her teeth, whacking her mind with a mental fist, and still the faint, blurring memories evaded her. She'd been... she'd been doing something, something vital... something exciting... something which had gone wrong.

No words: she could not speak, she could not think... no words for this grief...

And again they went.

"I can't... it's just so..."

The avian nodded, still frowning just a little, and rolled smoothly onto his feet, already pulling on the brown leather jacket which had become his trademark. "Breakfast. Get dressed, Jess."

She glowered testily at him. "Look, Osc..." Oh thank you, thank you that his name can be spoken, god help us... "I - Oscar, please. Something's happened... something terrible." Jess bit her tongue hard, but still her voice, another sob breaking through it. "I s-swear I don't know what, but... something. That pain... that grief... that sheer terror I remember feeling... l-look, it was... I don't know..."

Cocking his head, he regarded her calmly, leaning against the wall with a slight wince - clearly that shove she had given him, back in the fevered daze, had not been gentle. "The emotions don't make it real, Jess."

The mouse wrinkled the soft, pale grey fur of her brow in confusion, but he was already moving swiftly towards the door. She moved slowly to get up... and then the tiniest fragment surfaced, inexplicable and terrifying - would she find... hard, white, stripped of flesh and feathers... trapped within...

_ _

And Jessica began to cry again, silently as she picked herself up to face the day, which could or could not hold such dark, terrible secret.

***

Damn, it really hurt.

Oscar Shaw grimaced as he massaged his smooth-feathered cranium, trying to keep the swelling down. Part of it was simply that it he'd been totally unprepared for the mouse blindly lashing out at him... but it was clear she really, really had been terrified there. That shove had been impressive.

He sighed grimly, drumming his fingers on the small kitchen's countertop and trying not to admit the truth to himself: he was worried. He'd never seen anything like that. No nightmare, no matter how deep or personal, how horrific or inventive, could cause that terrible, miserable certainty she'd had in her voice. He knew nightmares, and he knew bad ones too. This... hadn't been like that. This had been more than just a bad dream.

And he knew, somehow, that something was missing. It was the gut instinct which can save lives, and had saved his already, many times. Something was wrong. Right now.

The world outside might have noticed a tightening of the already taut, controlled tendon beneath the falcon's neck, a slight twitch which brought his collar higher. But inside, every sense was straining. The slightest sound, the faintest flicker of movement, the smallest danger which might reveal itself at this moment in-

Time.

Time and date.

The falcon moved in a blur, snatching up the newspaper he had brought in earlier . He ignored the headline in a frenzy of accelerating alarm which only grew in terrible certainty - Avarden declared Rebel State after Chief councillor murdered - and snapped his sharp eyes onto a single line of calm print.

_ _

Sunday, 3rd October.

But.

Yes, it had been. He knew it. Jessica had been called by one of her friends, offering a Friday night get-together later that evening, but she'd refused. He knew that, and suddenly the world revolved around it. An absolute truth of sorts. Later that evening. Friday night.

It had been Friday, and it was now Sunday. The intervening day, "the first of the glorious weekend", Saturday... had utterly vanished from his mind.

What happened. What happened yesterday.

Nothing. And absolute void of knowledge greeted his mind. There was and had been no yesterday other than Friday.

_ _

Now he wasn't worried. He was scared.

The avian felt his shoulder twinge again, in time with his bruised skull and the pulsing beat of his heart. Already, he felt energised and calm, ready to perform the actions which he knew he would have to. But how could you fight a lack of knowledge?

"Oscar?"

He turned swiftly, and there she was. The mouse saw his expression, and shrank back, her eyes wide. "I-um... I'm sorry I hit you earlier... it was..."

"What is this?" The falcon felt his normal smooth tones rising now, his breathing fast and fearful. "Jess, it's... we..."

She understood. Somehow she knew. "Oscar... just what is this? What's happened?"

He couldn't answer, as without a word, they embraced. And now Jess wasn't the only one crying. Oscar felt his voice cracking, the wordless sorrow escalating helplessly as he tried to mumble condolences and comfort... and found that he needed them too. "I don't know, Jessie girl... I don't know... but..."

He trailed off, realising suddenly how nightmarish the innocent world suddenly seemed. And now the moments passed one by one with the only sounds that of their sniffled whimpers, the unending, inexplicable terror holding them both together within it's dark embrace. As mouse and bird of prey together tried and failed to withstand the terrible, terrible emotions.

***

Come on. You can't do this.

It was nearly an hour later when Jess managed to prise herself free, ignoring her desperately locked muscles as they protested. Life had to go on... she had to keep going with it.

Why is it so painful... what's happened to me...

Behind her, the falcon sat back, not speaking as he wiped his own eyes with a trembling hand. Silence ruled as the mouse felt her eyes and legs drawn towards the window, over a city just waking beneath a golden sun. She shivered again - and it wasn't her muscles aching with their trembles. Something about the idyllic scene caught her. An aura, a sense, a faint coldness in the air...

"What is it?" Oscar drew close, and she leaned against his feathered chest, swallowing feebly.

"It's... I don't know, there's just..."

A moment passed, when that unnameable grief threatened to engulf her again. The words were nothing for what she felt, nothing for this dark foreboding which hung over every tower and park and innocent person down below...but they were the only words which made any kind of conceivable sense. In this sudden, illogical world...

Jessica stared out numbly, and her bodyguard mirrored her as she spoke again.

"It's... I... look, can't you feel it?"

He cocked his head in incomprehension, and then the words came out soft and bemused from her whispering lips.

"...There's a storm coming."

Goldeneye, 01/10/12