Don't You Get It?
A letter I wish I had the courage to send to who it's addressed to. Everything in it is true.
Dear First Love,
That night we spent together, in my room, was one of the best nights of my life. It was the first night I trusted someone enough to be so close in such a way. It may have been the first and only time we did anything, but I had thought about it before. What it might be like. How you would be like.
I didn't expect to find out I would giggle when I was nervous, or that we'd hear my little sister's door open across the hall and cause us to stop what we were doing and scramble to get dressed. I didn't expect a lot of things. But I was happy.
That's the night I fell for you. I already cared about you, but I didn't realize why. That caring was just the beginning for me, you know? I trusted you, I hated to see you cry, loathed the people who hurt you, and couldn't understand why you kept going back to them. Two years later, when I finally mustered up the courage to ask you out, what do you say?
"I'm sorry, but I see you as a brother."
I understood that, though the night came back to my mind almost instantly. So did pervy things, like telling you I liked 'brotherly' stories on sites like SoFurry, or what I could ask, like whether or not my 'big brother' could teach me things I knew nothing about.
A few months later, as we talk, you tell me that you had forgotten how I felt. Never before had I felt something so... soul crushing. I felt my chest ache. Tears fell freely. How could you have forgotten that I loved you? Nothing ever hurt so much before. Not my grandmother dying, or being taken away from my parents and being placed in foster care. My first cat dying came close, but that pain passed away quickly when I started wearing her collar around my wrist. I couldn't ease this pain.
I told you that hurt me, and you were surprised.
"I'm hurting you?" You asked. You changed your status to "I'm sorry." and signed out of the chat, instantly making me regret what I had done. I had never wanted to be one of those people that hurt you, swore that I never would be, but I had. It made me feel worse. I curled up under a blanket and sought solace with an online community. They helped so much, offering comfort and advice.
The next day, I send you an email asking if we can still be friends.
"We can," you said, "but you have to change your mind and emotions first."
I didn't. I thought about trying, but another friend made me think about it more.
"What about your feelings? You have to accept and love yourself before others will."
She was right, of course, and after a night's rest I changed my status too. In a way, I lashed out at you. In a way, I lashed out at everyone, even myself. I swore to stop hurting myself just to make others happy.
But you? For you, there is little I wouldn't do. You'd have to do something truly vile to get me to turn away, to leave you alone and never look back. Even you don't return my feelings, it doesn't matter to me. Even though you may never be my wolf, and I your dragon, I still love you with all my heart.
Yours with unrequited love,
Dragonborn3