FSE

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“Closeness, proximity

I need it, bondage"

Japanese Breakfast,

' Posing in Bondage'

Days slip through my fingers like grains of sand and, by the time I stop and take note, I find it's already the second week of Eve, Jay and Feather's stay. Their inevitable departure approaches my life like a comet, I've started bracing for impact, putting up energy shields. I don't want to say goodbye. I'm not ready to.

The more I think on it - and I think on it more every day now - I find myself submerged deeper in a queer concoction of tension and euphoria. I've gotten used to having my beloved friends around. I've loved it, I'm loving it still, but I don't want all of this to be past tense. And, of course, there's Feather. I've stopped denying my interest in them, and with every touch and come-hither look they have given me over the past few days, with every morning spent sat so close I can smell their perfume and feel their breath, I convince myself a little more that they feel the same.

And so, yesterday, over a quiet breakfast while our guests had a morning to themselves - doubtless fucking - I admitted the truth to Saph in plain English. I ha __ve a crush on Feather. She looked at me like I was an idiot. Well, Duh! And then asked me if I'd told them yet. I didn't even get the chance to evade before she read it on my face. Talk to them, babe. I made sounds of protest, pouting and telling her that putting it out in the open could make things awkward for all sorts of reasons. Hey, Ash, newsflash. T_ hey' ve guessed by now. So_ ha __s Eve. I bet even Jay can see it. It's obvious. We're all just waiting for you two to fuck it out already. I scoffed and laughed it off, but she was serious. I asked her why she thought they all knew. Well, I can't guarantee the other two know for sure, but Eve and I have been joking about it for days. I almost died of embarrassment, resorting to hiding my face behind a rattan placemat.

Since then I've been on the verge of approaching Feather at any given moment, a thousand words on the tip of my tongue locked in and loaded at all hours, but another night and another poolside morning passed and I still haven't found the courage. Now I'm cursing myself and counting down the dwindling hours. The need to live in the moment is growing, I know I would regret missing this opportunity.

Every day spent with Eve and her lovers has been a ray of light. Jay has been flirtatious and jovial as ever, but although I've reciprocated his advances I haven't pushed for sex and have intentionally failed to notice his not-so-subtle requests for the same. I've enjoyed his attentions and he seems to enjoy giving them to me, win win, but I haven't really felt comfortable aiming for more when... Well, when Feather's right there.

Feather has remained close since our evening alone, in spite of my panic attack. They're as fun and flamboyant as I've ever seen them and we spend a lot of time talking. I want more, but whenever we have a drink in us, or we're sat within breathing distance and their paw brushes my side or thigh I lock up. It only lasts a second, but it makes them flinch. I recover quickly, shower them in whatever warmth I can, but every time it feels like a missed opportunity. In those moments my reason for hesitance evaporates into mystery, but after I remember in painful detail: we are so doomed. It doesn't matter if I've got a crush on them when they're with Eve and Jay already.

And then Saph told me what she told me and now I'm all fucked up. Everybody knows I've got a thing for the squirrel, but does Feather think it's just physical? Or are my attentions a joke to them? Or-

No. I'm not giving in to that ouroboros of an inner monologue. I don't have time for it. I know I need to talk to Feather, but now I'm realizing what I hadn't earlier: first, I need to talk to Eve. Today. No more delays.

Despite this new drive, Eve is the one who find me as she strolls into the living room mid-morning when I'm playing around with a DAW on my laptop. She's already fully dressed and beautified - denim jacket, matching jeans and a bright red statement ruffle tee - when she wishes me a good morning.

“Love the fit," I say.

“Aww, thanks hon."

“You're looking glam every day these days."

“Stop it, you'll give me an ego."

“Seriously Eve, back when I met you- I mean, we've talked about it. Those weren't any of our best days. But, seriously, you're glowing now. You look so happy every day, it suits you."

“I guess I'm one of those girls who only gets hotter as she gets older."

“Hell yeah you are. I'm just," I shake my head. “I'm just so happy for you."

“Think about how sexy I'll be when I'm sixty."

“You'll slay like crazy, babe, that's the damn truth."

“Right?" She points at my laptop. “Speaking of hotness, you cooking up some fire beats?"

“You know it," I say, speaking with a sarcastic effeminacy to counter her hype. Her sitting beside me reminds that she once too made a hobby of producing music. She told me she was never any good at it at and stopped to focus on poetry - which, she hastened to add, she's no good at either. I don't believe a word of that, obviously.

I pass her my headphones and let her listen in, used to being vulnerable with her. Until I met Saph, she felt like the only person I could really talk to. Kale too, I guess, but that didn't last. Still, our familiarity doesn't stop me from feeling a certain nervous squick when I hit play, but she knows it's only an unfinished draft. She takes the headphones off when it's done, still bobbing her head. “Damn, this one's kinda groovy, huh?"

I laugh, and thank her, and hesitate.

“Hey, Eve?"

“What's up?" The unsteady tone of my voice has her sharp and focused in an instant.

“Can I talk about something with you? You know, in private?"

Her turn to hesitate. “Uh, I mean, of course! Any time. I mean, nobody's around now." Her last statement ends with a rising note like question.

“I know, but, like," I vaguely gesture about the room. “That could change at any moment."

She nods. “Where were you thinking."

“I don't know exactly. I mean, I could do with a few groceries if you want to come with?"

“Why not? I've been missing our alone time anyway."

We ready ourselves, make our intentions known at the door and leave before we're saddled with any hangers on.

On the road I start talking.

“So, uh, I was chatting with Saph, and she told me you two had been joking around a bit about me. I mean, well, about me and..." Tight lipped, my jaw shifts as I struggle to find words. Eve stares at me, frowning, in my periphery.

“What do you...? Oh. Is this about...?"

I nod. “Feather." My heart throbs faster than it has any right to. “I thought it would be best to talk to you about the situation before, well, making any moves."

The tension seems to drain from her and she settles into a smile, but my heart rate only slows a jot.

“I'm pretty sure they'd be down if you are, babe," she says. “Just ask 'em."

Fire blooms in my cheeks, the warmth of embarrassment spreading its invisible heat across my face. “Th-that's good to know, but it wasn't exactly what I meant."

Tilted head. Innocence. “Yeah?"

“I-I don't want to seem like a flustered puppy here, but, I've kind of got a crush. Like, it's not just physical. In fact, for once, physicality is not even a leading factor."

Slow, thoughtful nods. Silence that stretches on for too long. I turn in to the grocery store parking lot.

“Well?" she says, at last.

My fur bristles. “What do you mean?"

“What's the issue here?"

The question catches me so off guard that my brain stalls and it's all I can do to find us a suitable spot to park up. When I finally stop the car I turn to her, the very flustered puppy I thought I wasn't.

“They're your partner, Eve."

She chuckles, not with cruelty or ridicule, but amusement, and it dawns on me that I must have said something adorably naive. “Ash," she draws the word out like a loving mother would to her cub. “We're poly."

At first I don't understand, I want to quip back and tell her to make some damn sense, but I suppress the impulse and think her statement through. It takes entirely too long for me to properly internalize what she's saying. “You mean I could be a part of your relationship?"

She does that wavy paw motion which universally translates to sort of, but not really. “It's more like you would be a spoke extending out from our pyramid. There's me, and Jay, and Feather and then there's you, and you could connect with us in any way that was reciprocated. You could just link with Feather, for example, and nobody else. You'd be part of the extended polycule, totally, but you wouldn't be in a relationship with anyone other than them." I nod, understanding the principle, but only now really thinking of it in concrete relation to myself. “Or it could be something more involved. I mean, I know you're not into women but I didn't think you were into enbies either, so if you wanted to surprise me by asking me out on a date to an expensive restaurant and seeing where things went from there, there's every chance I would be open to the suggestion." She stares up at me with a thin lipped smile, unblinking. My ears flatten on instinct as I match her gaze in wide-eyed fear. She laughs an honest, hearty laugh. “Can't blame a girl for angling at a free meal."

I raise an eyebrow. “Is that all it'd be? Don't you think I could serenade you and show you a good time?"

She closes her eyes and bites her bottom lip. “God, I know you could." She lets out a little pleasured grunt. “You know I'm a total pervert Ash, and a pansexual poly princess who loves her friends a little too much. Don't tease me about this if you don't want me to daydream of your forbidden gay dick."

I burst out laughing. Knowing she's at least thirty percent serious only makes it funnier.

“I love you too girl, but I'm not ready for that."

“Just never say never. Ruins the fantasy."

I smirk and shake my head. “Deal." She grins, and makes to get out of the car. “But, uh, Eve." She halts, paw on the door handle, turns back to me. “Truth is, I don't know if I'm cut out for poly." She nods, waits. I realize I've only made half a point. “And this is a what if wrapped in a what if, really, but I want to have the conversation before it ever becomes a remote possibility, so, for example: what if, somewhere down the line, Feather and I decided we wanted to try things out, uh, with just the two of us."

She inhales, but doesn't speak. I get the sense she was about to deny the likelihood, but saw the better of arguing with the premise of a hypothetical. “I guess, well... I haven't known Feather as long, but Jay would never go for that," she says, the faintest hint of self doubt producing a barely perceptible warble in her words.

“Granted!" I exclaim in haste, uncertain as to why she felt the need to say that, but seeing no reason to let her doubt her long term lover for even a second.

She swallows, and sheds the worst of her haunting.

“Well, if this hypothetical came to pass and Feather really wanted that, I'd be a hypocrite to deny them."

“But would you hate me for it? Don't be polite, be honest. Just say the word and I'll drop all of this right here, right now. Even if that situation has only the remotest chance of manifesting, I wouldn't risk it. I refuse to risk our friendship on anything."

She finds her warmth again, wears a crooked half-smile. “Honestly? It would hurt." She exhales. “But, no, I wouldn't stop loving either of you."

My mind races, slows, races again. “I don't want to hurt you."

“Come on, it's a hypothetical wrapped in a hypothetical, it's hardly-"

“Eve, look. Maybe I'm being ridiculous, but I want to be certain that I won't overstep any boundaries."

“Okay."

“So, if that situation ever approaches I'll change course, or at least pause long enough to talk things through with you."

Eve shakes her head. “Stop getting worked up about it babe. Live your life and my partners will live theirs. Whatever happens happens, free love and all that." She laughs. “I told you already, didn't I? That's what we're all about." She slaps a paw down on my shoulder. “Come on, let's go get those groceries. I've got a major craving for ice tea."

*

I'm nervous again, all twitchy. There's an exhilaration pumping through my veins entirely unrelated to physical exertion. Eve has been an excellent wing man, taking Jay aside with one excuse or another to give us privacy. Saph soon joined her, taking the hint and flashing a knowing smile my way. I'm sitting across from Feather in the kitchen-diner, the two of us newly alone and staring at the stars in the night sky through the glass doors that separate us from my garden, the sight somewhat marred by the reflected glare of indoor lights.

“Just you and me left, huh?" they state more than ask.

I don't condescend by answering. I clench and unclench my paws below the table, willing myself into action and grasping at invisible threads of confidence, drawing on those old acting chops of mine. “Want to head outside, stargazer?"

They whip their head around. “Stargazer?"

I rub the back of my head and grimace. “Sorry, we were just-"

“Oh shut up," they laugh. “It was cute. Dweeby, but cute."

They stand, stretch, yawn, then slide open the glass doors and make their way outside without a word. I follow. Side by side we admire the sky. The night's beauty is stifled even here by light pollution, but living a short drive outside of the city proper means the view isn't totally ruined. The sky is peppered with pinpricks of light, with constellations, with the burning glow of impossibly distant, impossibly ancient beauty.

“Makes me feel a bit more at peace with things, you know?" they say, gesturing broadly at the expanse of night above us.

I think I do know. I know, when I see those stars, that all of this, down here on our rock, is just an infinitesimal blip in the vastness of existence and however fucked up the world is or our lives are doesn't matter one damn bit in the universal scheme of things. But I don't say that.

Instead I say: “yeah."

And they adjust their stance, the back of their paw brushes the back of mine and I tense up, as I've been doing for days, and they giggle and shake their head as I settle back down.

“Do I really intimidate you so, Phoenix?"

I blink, and freeze up all over again. “Phoenix?"

Slowly, they lower their gaze to mine. “One who rises from Ash," they say.

I tilt my head, and let a self effacing smirk lift the corners of my mouth. “And what great bird might you have borrowed your name from, Feather, with your fur the color of flame?"

“My, my, my. Are you sure you're not the poet here?"

“Just an ex-actor who's memorized too much Shakespeare to not have let some of it sink in."

In a flight of fancy, a moment absent of inhibition, I reach out and take their paw in mine. They stiffen, ice claims my spine, but I thaw when they soften again. I clear my throat and continue, laying on the theatrics. “The question is, my fellow Phoenix: does that make us each immortal, or have we rather died once already and been reborn in debris?"

“I think we both know the answer to that." They speak in a funereal whisper, the hint of trauma on their tongue, but they lean into me, and I into them.

Our foreheads touch. I tilt my head until my nose taps against theirs. They close their eyes and let out a long, shaky breath, squeezing my paw. I nuzzle the length of their stubby snout. They hum contentedly and we stay like that for a time, huddled close and clung together.

At length I utter their name like a prayer. “Feather."

Their eyes open in a dreamlike flutter. “Ash."

I fix them in a hazy stare. “I want you."

They consider me with half-lidded, blinking eyes. “Oh."

A warmth courses through me, a fiery burst of blind confidence. “And I don't know if you feel the same, but I'm sure you feel something."

The flicker of a frown crosses their countenance and my heart stutters. It's naught but their squeezing paw that keeps it running as I spark with anxious energy.

“I do," they say.

Immense, instant and all encompassing relief. I exhale a breath I hadn't realized I was holding in.

“I wasn't quite ready for wedding vows," I say.

“Arrogant," they admonish. I laugh.

And then they're nuzzling my snout, and I'm the one shutting my eyes, humming my joy. They pull away only to press their nose to mine again. From so close it's impossible not to appreciate their fragrant fur, a mix of the floral tinge of their preferred fur-care products and perfume contrasted with the natural earthy musk of rodentia.

I kiss them. It is a brief affair, sans tongue, but a kiss nonetheless. I do it without a thought, without an iota of a plan.

I open my eyes to find them stunned, staring.

“Ash." They breathe the word.

“Feather?" Though I barely intone above a whisper, I utter their name as a question. In the quiet night air I hear only the pounding of my heart. It rattles my chest, shortens my breath.

“Let's go inside, to your bedroom."

There's an intent to their words, and a seriousness that winds me. They clutch my paw tight and I use them now as a lifeline, entirely unsure whether to be elated or terrified by their request.

I half lead, half am led inside, through my house, upstairs all the way until I'm sat beside them on my bed. My anxiety reaches a fever pitch as it sends orders throughout my body to act out, to shudder, to scream. I use every ounce of self control at my disposal to deny it.

“Sorry to drag you here, I-" Their gaze flicks to the bed below and they cut themself off, shaking their head and laughing once. “Double sorry: I didn't come here to fuck you." A choked, too-high-pitch laugh ejects involuntarily from me. I immediately feel like fool, but Feather is too polite to react. “I wanted to be somewhere more comfortable, but still private, where we could talk."

“Of course," I shift on the bed as if my sudden discomfort were the result of the duvet. “I'm sorry if, outside, I was- If I was completely off base. I really am sorry. I-"

“Ash, shut up." I bite my tongue and resist the urge to tense up and withdraw. But, they're smiling. They mock-punch my shoulder. “You weren't off about anything. I guess I'll state off the bat, to avoid giving you an anxiety attack, that I'm not flip flopping here: I do feel something for you, just like I said. And..." They trail off, they shrug, laugh once and shake their head. Then they lean in and kiss me, briefly, same as before. There's a glimmer in their eyes: excitement, fear, both. My heart swells. I tremble. “I can't let Jay have all the fun."

I let out an uneven laugh, giddy with nervous excitement.

“It's just," they continue, “well, there's a lot to say. How about I begin with: I'm not looking to rush into a relationship with somebody I've just met."

I nod, solemn, paying complete attention. “Of course. Sometimes I get overeager, and I apologize if I've been hasty, or given the wrong impression. But, yeah, whenever I actually stop and think, I feel the same way."

“Good," they say. “Good. The other thing is, I haven't even been with Jay and Eve for all that long yet. I- I'm not exactly looking to expand my horizons right away. I need time to settle in with them, you know what I mean? No need to over-complicate things right away."

“Makes total sense."

The thought hadn't once crossed my mind. Idiot.

“I don't know if you remember, but the day the three of us arrived, you and I had a little back and forth over drinks and music. I told you my last experience with poly was a trainwreck, well..."

Words petering out, Feather's eyes glaze over, lose focus. They sniff, then shake their head, the labored motion betraying the lethargy of melancholy. There's a tension about them that suggests they are about to burst into speech at any moment, but words never come. I hook an arm around them and pull them in against my chest.

“You don't have to relive your trauma," I say. “You don't have to justify your life to me."

A frustrated sob erupts from the squirrel. I hold them tighter.

“But you... You told me everything. Things you haven't even told Eve."

The curiosity I felt days ago, when I blew up and they implied the depths of their trauma, is gone. In it's place is nothing but the instinctual need to protect the person in my arms, to look after somebody I care about so deeply.

“Feather, shut up. I know you know that's bullshit. You don't owe me anything. I felt like I needed to tell you. I wanted to, as much as it hurt. Unless you feel like you need to get all of this out there for your own benefit, I don't need to know."

They nuzzle into my chest, whining, then settle, staying steady in my arms.

“You're a good guy, Ash."

“Maybe."

“I mean it." They disentangle from me and resume a more dignified sitting position.

“What I do want to say," they continue, “is that the issues I had in my last poly relationship arose from the people involved, not polyamory itself.

“And I don't want you thinking that all of this is me shutting you down somehow, or setting some mystical timer that dictates when things are allowed to progress with us. That's not it at all. All I want is to keep communicating and being open with one another, then we can take things in stages, you know? I mean, as long as you're okay with that."

“I am," I say, but I wince at the lack of enthusiasm in my own voice. “It's just, in a matter of days you'll be back in the States."

They nod. “And we can talk online. And when you visit for the wedding we can spend a lot of time together. Ash, I meant it when I said I don't want to rush things. I won't make any promises I can't keep."

“I know. And you're right, that's how this should go." I stare at the wall.

“So, we'll take it one step at a time. Right now we're in that interested and circling phase. Maybe next we'll make it to the one you're at with Jay."

My brief shock must be obvious because they're laughing.

“The phase where I choke on your cock?" I can barely believe the words have escaped my muzzle. Then again, it really is the sort of thing I would say. But here I am, talking dirty and meaning it with somebody who isn't a man. It sends a nervous tingle down my spine that makes my tail twitch.

Feather gasps in exaggerated surprise. “Only if you'll let me choke on yours too."

Heat pulses through my cheeks and I feel a flash of my old confidence. “Gladly, I think you'd look good down there. Just be careful with those buck teeth."

They roll their eyes. “Honey, you've seen Jay's dick. Trust me, I'm well trained."

“And what if we reach this stage when you're a long plane ride away. Are you just gonna suck Jay and think of me?"

“Well, if I picture you in Jay's place and Jay pictures you in my place at the same time, maybe the weirdness will cancel itself out."

I thwap their side playfully with the back of my paw and laugh. I lean across, intending to kiss them again, pulling back when I think the better of it, settling instead on a slant smile. Only begrudging their boundaries a little.

“I guess the thing is, Feather," I find the courage to say, hating that I need to say anything at all but knowing it's the right thing to do. “I'm really not sure where I stand on the whole poly thing. Like, I'm not sure if I can even do it."

“I get it. It really isn't for everyone," they say, straightening up and shrugging. “And if you become certain it's not for you then I won't lead you on. I'm happy with Jay and Eve and I'm pretty certain none of us want to sacrifice what we have."

“No, of course not," I say, even as my stomach sinks with a selfish twang of disappointment that makes me hate myself. “I wouldn't want to hurt you, any of you."

“Well, like I said," They lace their fingers through mine and beam at me. “Let's keep in touch, discuss feelings, and you can talk poly with me, Eve, or Jay any time." I nod, mutely. “Do your best to figure it out, and I'll try the same. There's no rush."

“You're so sweet," I say, and I mean it, though my mind is little more than static. Too much to take in, too much internal debate, too much irrational, self-centered disappointment.

They kiss my nose. I move as if to kiss their lips but they put a finger to my muzzle and say: “twice is plenty for today. Let's take it slow."

And in a short blur of soft spoken words and touches that aren't quite enough, they're gone from my room. I lay back and screw my eyes shut, attempting to work through the unruly knots of hope, fear and confusion congesting inside me.

A few minutes later I rise, shake my head and move downstairs to see if anyone is still awake, wanting distraction. Finding nobody, I lay on the living room sofa and stare at the ceiling in a listless daze until, minutes later, I hear the soft patter of bare paws. Saph enters my field of view, looming above, and questions me with a glance.

“Do you think I can do poly?" I ask, sincere and nervous. Saph's giggle brings me back to earth. She motions for me to scoot over and settles in beside me when I do.

“Reality sets in," she says, idly patting one of my legs.

Sighing, I nod. “I don't know if stapling myself to one edge of their triad would make me happy."

“You could nestle yourself in there instead."

I shrug.

“Or you could form an adjacent triad of your own, or extend out in a line." She adopts a puzzled expression as she theorizes the geometry of various polyamorous configurations. “You could make all sorts of shapes."

I nod, hesitant.

“But," I say. “Do you think I can do poly?"

She exhales at length. “Do you want to try?

“Long distance too, at least initially."

“It sounds like you're making excuses not to."

I shrug again.

“Squirrel got your tongue?"

“I really like them, Saph."

“Then what's the harm in giving it a go?"

“Come on, babe. Pain? Heartbreak? Wasting my time and my life? I'm turning thirty any month now if you forgot. Surely I'm over my experimental phase by now."

“Will you regret it if you don't try?"

I close my eyes, breathe in and out and in and- “I think so. Yes."

“Then try. If it doesn't work and you're hurting, I'm here. And I'll be here as long as you want me. Until the day your patience and generosity run thin and you throw me out on my ass."

“I would never!"

She laughs.

I prop myself up on my elbows. “Saph, no, I know you're half joking, but I mean it. I'm never going to pull the rug out from under you. I love living with you. I love you, babe."

She cocks her head, searching me as if my words hide some ulterior motive. Thing is, she already knows all of my secrets, at least all the ones I'm conscious of.

“I love you too, big softie." She gives my belly a tender rub and I giggle like a pup, safe and content in her presence.

Her paw lifts, there is an uncanny instant of stillness, of silence. And then there is the ticking of the clock.

“I guess I should get to bed," I say.

“Yeah," she says and, slowly, she stands. “Yeah. Goodnight Ash. And good luck. I'm proud of you for finding the courage."

“I've got something better than courage. I've got you."

She wraps me in a hug so tight I'm convinced she thinks letting go would result in me growing wings and flying away, never to be seen again.