Pouring My Heart Out
#2 of Heart
Ok, so I hope everyone's happy with this because I decided instead of doing the homework due in 8 hours, I'm going to write this instead. I really can't focus on anything serious right now, and a couple late marks (hopefully) won't kill me.
I haven't always been this way.
Please keep that in mind while I tell my story. Things used to be better for me. Life was never perfect, but it never is anyway. It was, however, a hell of a lot better than it is now.
That's what I was thinking about while I staunched the bleeding. Surprisingly, my wrist really didn't hurt too much; I really thought it would be worse. The blood finally slowed enough for me to replace the towel with gauze and tape. I felt a little weak but not too bad considering what had just happened.
Well, not too bad physically. Mentally, emotionally, I was still a mess, but I had calmed down enough to think. Think about what I had done and what I should do now. I knew that my decision had been selfish even before I did it. It was only part-way through that I decided I couldn't be that selfish and deprive my friends and family of that much. Fortunately, or perhaps unfortunately, that revelation came to me before the point of no return. The person that really made me stop was my dad even though he indirectly drove me to the decision in the first place. His constant pessimism and look-on-the-dark-side-of-life attitude had really been wearing on me over the months. I realized that if I went through with it, he might be pushed over the edge to do something, too. God only knows what that would do to the rest of the family. For the same reason I knew that he shouldn't find me like this, so I cleaned up the blood and made everything look normal. The blood-stained towel was an old rag, so I threw it in a plastic bag and chucked it in the outdoor garbage. No one would miss it or discover it there.
I needed to get away from the house, though. The house still had a depressing atmosphere, even when empty. My dad wouldn't be home for another hour or so, and my brother was out with friends doing God knows what. My sisters had already married and moved out.
I also really needed to talk to somebody. Family was out; we were too close, I guess you could say. I didn't want my dad finding out about this, and it would get back to him if I told any of my siblings. Besides, I was only really close to my one sister, and I just couldn't tell her. I glanced at the clock again: 9:00 PM. A little late to be calling anyone. I ran through the list of choices in my head then picked up the phone.
*
Jess wasn't doing much. She was too tired to put much energy into anything. Even though she had decided to take a year off from school after graduation, she was working eight hour shifts at least five days a week to save up for school. This meant she didn't have much time for recreation or hanging out with friends. She had just decided to call it a night and go to bed when the phone rang. Her mom was out with some friends for the night, and Jess was tempted to just let it ring and go to bed, but she decided to at least check the caller ID first.
She wasn't surprised when it showed Mike's house. He had been calling every once in a while to see if she was ever open to hang out. They hadn't seen each other since before Mike had started university two months ago. Jess usually didn't even have time to take his calls but felt bad about it. She was a little surprised that he was calling this late. Usually he called earlier to see if she could hang with him that evening, but it was a little late to start now especially since he had school at 8:30 tomorrow. Curious, she picked up phone.
"Hey, Mike. What's up?"
"Wow," Mike said. "You actually could pick up a phone. Amazing."
Jess was used to the sarcastic greeting, but thought she heard a different intonation than usual. It had some amusement, but the voice at the other end sounded tired.
"Yeah, I worked an earlier shift today, so no working 'til 10 tonight," said Jess. "You okay? You sound a little tired."
"I am a little tired," came the reply. "Are you doing anything right now? Do you have anyone over? I really need to talk to someone...."
"No, this is an empty house. Even my mom's out. Why do you need to talk? Isn't it a little late?"
"I know it's late, but can I come over? I really need to get out of the house for a while...."
Jess was a little concerned. That was twice in a row his voice trailed off. Normally her wolf friend was more energetic even in the evening. She didn't understand how he could usually remain so chipper from eight in the morning until eleven at night, but it was one of the traits that appealed to her. She had already turned down an invitation from her boyfriend that evening though, and despite not having seen Mike in a long time, she decided she really needed the rest. She was thinking about asking work to cut her hours, but she really wanted the money.
"You know, Mike, I'm pretty tired. I was just about to call it a night when you called," Jess said.
"Jess," Mike said. There was a pause, and Jess was just about to prompt him when he continued: "I just tried to end it all...."
Jess' eyes widened. "Oh my god, Mike, are you--"
"I'm fine now. I just really need to talk to somebody."
"I'm coming over. Don't go anywhere. I'll call you again from my cell on the way."
"I really need to get out of the house. Why don't I come to you?"
"I'm coming to pick you up then, Mike. Are you sure you're okay? Should I call an ambulance?"
"NO!" Mike yelled. Jess jerked her head away from the phone, surprised by the violence in Mike's response. Mike must have realized he was a little loud because he quickly added, "Sorry. I'm fine, really. I just don't want anyone else involved, and I really don't want my dad to know...."
"Okay, Mike. I'll be there in five minutes. Don't do anything, all right?"
"I won't," Mike said, his voice regaining the tired quality he had before. "See you soon."
Jess decided against calling Mike on the way. Their houses were pretty close, although it was a half hour walk, and she didn't want to get pulled over for talking on the cell if a cop saw her. She quickly grabbed a coat -- despite her fox fur, she was often cold even in warmer months -- and her keys and cell and was out the door in record time. Fortunately, she had finally gotten her licence and her mom's friends had picked her mom up, so a car was still at the house. She drove to Mike's place at the posted speed limits, which was still faster than she would usually go with ice on the roads. She fishtailed around two corners, but she kept in control and got to his house without hitting anything.
When she pulled up in front of the house, Jess saw Mike was already sitting on the front step. Her eyes took in the messy head fur, droop in his tail, and his slouched posture with elbows resting on his knees. His head was still evidently up high enough to see the street because he stood as she put the car in park and got out.
*
I pushed my shoulders back as I stood to stretch out my back. While it did make my back feel better, my soul was still as damaged as ever, and I knew Jess would see the haunted look in my eyes. I knew she wouldn't immediately see my method as the thick, longsleeved sweater I was wearing covered the bandage while keeping the cold out. I brushed the November snow off my jeans and started walking to her car when I heard the door slam. I was mildly surprised. She had seen me out here, so I thought she would stay in the car rather than come up to the door. I raised my head in time to see the concern in her eyes before she engulfed me in a hug.
I reflexively hugged her back, and the damn tears started up again. However, it was just tears with no sobs or shuddering, so Jess remained unaware of my tears until she broke the hug and took a good look at me. I, in turn, took the chance to look at her.
She was wearing her usual black jacket and knew from experience there was probably a t-shirt and sweater on underneath. Her graceful tail was still behind her black slacks that she had probably been wearing for work. The concern and compassion were easy to read behind the red fur on her face. I knew that her clean and brushed fur contrasted my own matted, grey fur. After looking in her eyes for a moment, I lowered my own once again.
She seemed a little heartened to see that I could stand and move on my own. Clearly she had no idea how far gone I had been when I stopped. Maybe I should have warned her a little better about the specifics of my condition.
"My god, Mike, are you okay?" the fox asked.
I considered telling her that I had already told her on the phone. The me of yesterday might have, but right now I was not my usual self. "I'm fine, Jess. Really."
"What did you do?" she asked.
I really wanted to get going, but I realized she wanted to make sure I wouldn't die on her on the way to her house. In response I rolled back my left sleeve. As she gasped at the bandage, I said, "The bleeding's stopped. Don't worry, you're not rid of me yet."
Finally, we headed to the car. I reflected on the interior of the house. I had done so before, but I wanted to make doubly sure that there were no indications of what had happened tonight for my dad to find. I reassured myself that the bathroom was clean and the evidence elsewhere. The only out of place thing in the house was the note I left for my dad. Without going into detail, it just said I was over at Jess' place because she wasn't feeling well and wanted someone around in case it got worse. I felt a little bad for the lie, but there was no way I was going to tell him the real reason. Normally I would have texted him, but I didn't want the possibility of immediate questions. I wanted more time to think.
It was a silent drive to Jess' house. I wanted to talk, but not just then. I needed a little time. Jess looked like she was about to say something a few times during the trip, but she evidently decided against it. I suppose I wouldn't have known what to say had our positions been reversed. I sincerely hoped they never would be reversed.
When we got to the one story house, we went to Jess' room. Usually when I was over here, I would hop on the computer to share funny animations or video clips, but this time I sat on the side of her bed, head down. She sat beside me and put her arm around me.
After a minute or so of just sitting there, she decided to prompt me. She said just one word, but it was the most important word that could be said, I guess: "Why?"
My muzzle dropped the rest of the way to my chest and my ears flattened on my head. "It's just too much," I answered. "I used to be able to deal with everything, but now... it's just added up too much."
She waited a moment to see if I would continue. I had stopped again due to the force of the emotions I was experiencing. She waited a moment more and asked, "What all is there? It can't be that bad, can it?"
"Can't it?" I replied. "My mom's still in rehab, and it's been almost three years now. I have enough good friends to count on one hand and have fingers to spare. And my dad couldn't be happy if he won the fifty million dollar jackpot this Friday. Nothing's ever good enough for him anymore. The house is too messy, the days too long, his back too sore, Mom's not getting any better and according to him probably never will, and he'll be stuck looking after her and playing her solitaire games for her 'til the day he dies. I try to keep my spirits up, but with the circumstances I live in and Dad so down..." My sentence trailed off. "I can't keep living like this. It's bad enough most of the time, but every time I go home, it just gets worse."
The entire time she was still holding on to me. It gave me a grip on reality, something to hold onto both physically and mentally. I thought for a moment about how I'd wanted to see her for the past two months. I hadn't wanted to see her like this.
I could tell without looking at her that she was taking a moment to think about what to say. I felt a twinge of pity for my friend. How much harder can it be to choose what to say when you know that a careless remark might inadvertently kill the person you're talking to?
"Mike," she finally said, "I'm here for you. If you ever need to get away from the house for a while, give me a call, even if I'm at work. And things aren't that bad. You have a family that cares about you, you're doing well in school. Your friends care about you a lot, Mike. I care a lot. And I want you to hold on to that. Always remember that people love you, even if your dad does seem down a lot of the time. He loves you, too."
"I know," I said. And I did know. "I just...." I thought I had run out of tears, but they came back again.
We didn't say much after that. I made her promise me not to tell anyone about it, especially my dad or family. I knew she'd keep it. She asked me to see a counsellor, and I told her I'd think about it. I'm old enough for confidentiality from my parents, so maybe I will. I doubt it, though. Most of the night, she just held me and let me know she was there. I ended up leaving about 11:30. She drove me back home and had me promise her I'd call her tomorrow. I agreed as I got out of the car and went inside.
Luckily, my dad had already gone to bed. I was mildly surprised. Too often recently, he'd been staying up later than he should, watching television. I sent him to bed on a few such occasions, but all too often he'd reply with something less than optimistic about his day tomorrow anyways and stay up till midnight regardless. I went to my own bed without stopping by the computer as was the norm and cried myself to sleep. I hoped I would feel better when I woke up.
I didn't expect to make any follow up to "An Open Heart", but here it is, I guess. Please note that while the characters are based off of real people, unlike the last one the events are in no way connected to a real happening. This made a good release for me though, although I didn't even like writing the first part. Blood sometimes makes me a little quesy. :-S
As usual, please leave behind comments or suggestions. Constructive criticism and encouragement are always welcome. Also, please leave suggestions if you think tags are missing. I'm still getting used to that.