Hummingbird and Ostrich Egg and Vice-Versa and No Fun to It
"An egg! I can't be about to lay an egg!" Mary fretted in her hummingbird way as she came out of the nurse's office." Eggs are supposed to be painful, and ouchy... and I can't do it."
Some other of the birds looked at her fretting and rolled their eyes in annoyance before going back to their business.
As Mary fluttered home, she wasn't sure what she'd say about the mess, it sure was embarrassing. Perhaps she'd keep it quiet, nobody had to know anyway.
But oh, the idea of the pain was too much to bear.
And what was worse, according to 7% on a WatchData community poll that Mary saw on YouTube the other day, hummingbirds supposedly lay the world's largest bird egg! That meant even BIGGER than a ostrich egg, which was... well, way bigger than a hummingbird she figured.
Oh, she couldn't go through with this. She had to stop this.
So she sidetracked to go visit this witchy crow she'd read about in some nurse's office magazine ad. Why so many crows were witches, she did not know.
"What can I do you for missy," the crow asked when she arrived.
Mary took a breath, it was time for her to say what was on her mind. "I'm about to lay an egg, and I'm not feeling very good about it..." She hesitated. "I don't want to lay an egg the size of an ostrich's!" She blurted out finally.
"Size of an ostrich's..." murmured the witch, scratching her beak thoughtfully, "let's see what we got here."
The crow rustled through her ingredients and after a few moments, had an elixir prepared. She taloned it to Mary. "Here, this should solve your problems."
"Thank you," said Mary, dipping her beak in and sipping in the sweet liquid, "I can't thank you enough."
"There," said the witch, "when it's time for you to lay, you will lay an ostrich egg."
Mary stopped drinking, her body going extremely still, "What?" But it was too late, there were only a few drops left in the elixir bottle, there was no taking it back.
"Oh, it's something to do with vortexes and the folding of spacetime, all that jibber-jabber," the witchy explained, "You'll still carry the egg that's inside you, but when it comes time to lay, the both of you, you and some ostrich, your eggs will come out through the other."
"WHAT!?" Mary shrieked.
"You said you wanted to lay an egg the size of an ostrich's," the crow replied.
"Why would I say that!" Mary cried, "I said I didn't want to lay an egg the size of an ostrich's!"
The crow shrugged, "Thought you were perhaps some wild masochist or something. Can't expect these old ears to hear everything. Besides, why would you say that? Hummingbird eggs are fairly small, you had nothing to worry about."
"There was this post on WatchData..." She wasn't making any sense, "You have to fix this!" She finally blurted.
"I can't fix this, all my elixirs are 100% guaranteed, they don't wear off until their purpose is complete."
"Oh dear, oh dear," Mary muttered, "I don't want to lay an ostrich egg."
"None of us do," said the crow, patting her on the back, "But don't worry, my elixirs also have a 0% mortality rate, you'll be fine, here, I'll give you a refund for your troubles."
But the money did very little to comfort Mary. As she fluttered her way home, only two words twittered from her mouth, again and again, "Oh dear, oh dear," she muttered, "oh dear, oh dear."
Somewhere in Africa, some ostrich named Barb was preparing to lay her egg. She had found herself a comfy spot by the stream in a communal nest, but she was still anxious. Egg laying was no picnic, she'd heard.
"Are you okay?" Her friend asked her.
"Yes," she said, "Just a little anxious, that's all."
"You'll be fine," a friend told her.
"Yeah, it'll be fine," another friend said.
"We're right here with you," said her husband.
Barb was glad to have such a great support group.
It hadn't been long since she'd met her husband, and she was still quite a young bird, she had never laid an egg before, and she didn't know if she was ready, but with her two closest friends by her side and her husband, it made her feel a lot better.
But then her stomach tightened, she felt a contraction coming, she cried out, pain flared through her.
"Oh no, I can't take this, I can't take this- OWWWWW!" She screamed as labor began full force. It was too painful to process, it was unbelievable.
If only she knew that the pain she was feeling was being brought on by an egg no bigger than a hummingbird's egg. If it hurt this bad to lay a hummingbird egg, she had no idea what laying an ostrich egg must've felt like. She could've never have imagined that halfway across the world, a hummingbird would be laying hers.
"OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!" Mary screamed, in pure absolute mortal agony. There was no way this could be right. The size of an ostrich egg compared to an itty-bitty hummingbird like her was NOT RIGHT!
There was no way any hummingbird could take this, and because we cannot even begin to imagine what Mary must possibly be going through, we return to Barb for now, who found herself sweating and tearing over the most painful experience she had ever faced in her life, and we'll just accept that Mary's experience was a billion times worse.
"I can't do this!" Barb cried, "I can't...!"
"You're alright, you're alright," her husband soothed.
"I can't," Barb panted, gritting her teeth in pain, tears leaking down from her eyes, "Oh, please, oh please-"
Then another contraction hit...
Mary gave a bloodcurdling scream. This brought her neighbors to attention.
A moment later, there was a knock at her door. "Mary? Are you alright?"
Oh, it was the hot hummingbird guy who lived in the next hollow over, why did he have to be the one to check on her?
"Leave me alone!" She cried. This was definitely not a good day.
But then Barb had another contraction and Mary screamed bloodcurdlingly again. Her neighbor instantly burst through the door, eyes filled with concern.
"What's happening?" He gasped.
"I'm laying an ostrich egg!" Mary cried.
Now to describe what it must look like to see a hummingbird laying an ostrich egg is something that cannot be comprehended, and perhaps it is better to leave it to the imagination, but here it was clearly happening, and for Mary, it was no fun. Explosive pain of an egg totally double her size trying to force its way into the world, there simply weren't enough nerves in her poor little body to process this pain, but yet she felt it anyway. None of her life had she EVER waned to be in this kind of pain, yet here she was.
Then Mary had another contraction...
Barb cried out sharply. She may only be laying a hummingbird egg, but never underestimate how painful a hummingbird sized labor can be.
"You can do this," said her first friend.
Barb just shook her head, "No I can't, no I can't." She was so ashamed, ostrich's everywhere laid eggs all the time, and here she was crying like a baby over it.
"Don't be ashamed" her second friend said, "I remember when I had my first egg..."
But Barb couldn't help but be ashamed, she should know better, she should know better than to whimper over such a normal experience like this, but here she was acting like a fool like no other bird had ever laid an egg before. She folded her head into her body in shame, and tried to keep it there.
But then the next contraction hit.
Mary's neighbor threw his wings over his ears to avoid being deafened by Mary's scream, Mary must be in a LOT of pain.
"Do you need to be here?" Mary asked when her screams quieted.
"Well, I certainly can help." The neighbor said, "What do you need?"
Oh, Mary blushed, why did her handsome neighbor have to see her like this. If only she could focus her attention on how hot he was and not on how much pain she was going through, but when you lay an ostrich egg, there is no concentrating on hot neighbors from next door, there was only lots of screaming as you feel yourself stretching in unimaginable ways that no birdy should ever go through. But she couldn't answer, too much pain. How could she be feeling this?
Then-
"OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!" Mary screamed.
How pitiful, she thought as tears of exhaustion fell from her eyes, no hummingbird has ever been so embarrassed.
But then Barb had the worst contraction yet, pure unfathomable, nothing any bird could image.
Mary couldn't take it, her chirpy scream radiated through the air. Her poor chirpy self. Totally not fun times.
Another contraction from Barb.
Mary's brain literally exploded for awhile.
Moments later, Barb stood folded over, looking at her egg, laying at her feet, very, very exhausted.
"What's this?" She asked, feeling the egg with her talons.
"It looks like an egg," observed her friend.
"But it's practically nothing," Barb said, "This cannot be mine."
Barb and her friends looked at one another, each as confused as the next.
Mary looked at her neighbor, feeling extremely red.
But her neighbor was just staring in shock behind her.
"What?" She said, "Girls lay eggs, don't you know that?"
Oof, that truth was embarrassing to admit to a cute guy.
"B-b-but..." He stammered, "That big?"
She looked behind her, "Oof! You're right," She said, fluttering around to inspect the egg, "It's huge!" She had know idea how she could've laid this.
And it was then she noticed another problem: Here she had a huge ostrich egg from halfway across the world with no way to get it back to it's family.
Well this day couldn't have went worse.
Until it was revealed that Barb was having twins.
Mary whimpered.