Second Chances : Chapter 10
#3 of Ar
Authors note - Ok sorry about the wait, technology just sucks in general sometimes dosent it? So, computer issues aside I really want to thank Sam softpaw for doing his thang and editing for me :). Broken record says, "I really want to thank all those that have been commenting/faving/voting/watching," but in all seriousness it really does mean alot to me thank you :). Also this story has gay content if you have an issue with that go away.
No? No. Why not? These were the only thoughts going through my mind as the complete and utter shock of his response. No, it wasn't a response. It was rejection. It rocked my entire being. The very floor I was standing on started to give way underneath my feet and the world itself was crashing down on my shoulders. I couldn't even cry, I had no tears left to shed as I watched Luke stumble on chairs running out of Kat's.
I have to know why.
I start to walk after him. This is all I can manage as that release I usually relish drains me so much it was hard for me to walk, let alone run. It takes all my effort and concentration in every fibre of my body to focus on following Luke out the door. Right foot. Left foot. Right. Left. It's really annoying having to focus so much on walking out a stupid door. Oh, wonderful... the door. I hadn't even thought about how I was going to open the massive wooden door that normally wouldn't pose a problem but, with my body drained of all its energy. Impossible. But I have to try. My body starts to shake as I close the last bit of distance between me and the ominous presence of the door. The door had suddenly become a symbol to me of all my failures. How would I be able to get past them? Could I get past them even if I tried? I stop inches away from this malicious door right foot forward, right shoulder against the failures, and my left paw on the handle to my freedom. The freedom to pursue Luke. I lean all my weight on the door, and I break into a fit of giggles. I can't even open up a fucking door. Then the door finally gives way, I didn't even open it myself. Sugar is standing there just gazing down at my pathetic, shaking, giggling, mess of a self.
"Go get him," Sugar drawls slowly, heart wrenchingly accepting of the situation, I would have almost been happier if he had been furious and beat the crap out of me for being a worthless, weak minded gay person. Couldn't even stay in the closet like a properly behaved, civilized person would have done. "I don't think he made it out of the parking lot, hell, I doubt he made it to his car," he drones out with a hint of sadness. Just a hint but enough to make me stop giggling, immediately, and drag my feet to the parking lot a little faster than before. Not even taking the time to thank Sugar, using the little bit of energy I had recovered in the rest to focus on getting to Luke. The short walk towards Luke's car felt like it was miles in my drained state, all the while straining to find any sight of Luke or his car. There it was, just a short distance away! His car! Wait, but where was Luke? It was then I hear the soft sounds of sobbing. HIS sobbing. There he was next to the driver's side door curled up on the pavement, his keys on the floor a few feet away from him. I walk over, mind completely blank as I pick up his keys. I just honestly didn't know what to think, what to even make of the situation. Wasn't this supposed to be reversed? Shouldn't I be in the bar, right now, collapsed on the stage in tears? I sat down next to him, I wanted more than anything in the whole world just to hold him but, he already told me no, so I guess any physical contact would just make it worse. This is probably because I kissed him, oh dear lord why did I kiss him?
"I, I just can't," Luke muttered while doing his best to look at me with his blood shot eyes and matted fur, "I'm sorry, it's just, just how?" At this point I am thoroughly confused. I have no idea what's wrong, what's going on, so I make another daring move. I move my paw over to gently scratch behind his ears and his breathing slows a bit. I guess this gamble paid off.
"Shh," I gently coo, "take deep breaths. Slowly now, let it all out and you can tell me what's wrong in a minute." After what felt like hours but could've only been a few minutes his body stops shaking and I remove my paw as he sits up. He looks at me with that piercing gaze, I won't shy away, and I won't back away. I will accept whatever it is he has to say.
"Rose, I want to know how," he says with tears coming to the corners of his eyes. It truly hurts so bad to see him in such pain I almost forget about the rejection completely; I expected the rejection in a way. I could never expect he would feel this much pain. I mean he was great and I was trash there really was no compare- "how can you expect me to love someone, who can't even love themselves?" Luke had interrupted my thoughts with this question. I was stuck. What did he mean? I mean I wasn't in love with myself like those jocks that stare in the mirror for hours but other than that do others really love themselves?
"I'm sorry," I began slowly, "I just don't understand," looking him directly in the eyes, making sure he knew I was honestly confused at what he was asking me. I took the full blow of his honest and watering eyes, like they were grieving for something.
"Rose, I want you to name one thing you like about yourself," he said, "if you can do that I'll do anything for you, whatever you want. Just name it and it's yours." I was in shock. That's all it took? I can just ramble off some half-baked response and then I would go back to doing my best to make him feel as good as he could possibly feel. I open my mouth to say something, anything but; I couldn't bring myself to lie. So I just resolved to find something I like about myself. I start to think about myself rushing through a list of characteristics I would use to describe myself, trying to find one that I could tell to Luke. Nothing. Physically I think I'm fat, weak, slow, and just ugly overall, I mean my fur is dull, my eyes clouded like mud, and my body is really just an all out disgrace to my species. Ok, let us move to mental traits I am stupid, naïve, emotionally weak, strong headed in the worst ways, depressing to be around, and an all out pessimist. I scan through all these things and more before I settle on something I wouldn't be ashamed of revealing to Luke. Cleaver really.
"I'm honest about myself," I said out loud, softly, looking for a hint of Luke's approval in his eyes. His expression looks like he's about to break down in tears. In fact he can't help but let a couple of tears stream down his face.
"You're joking right?" he says with such hurt in his voice I can no longer keep eye contact. It hurts too much. I look down at the pavement and lower my ears in embarrassment but, not enough to block what he's saying. He continues, "Do you know how long it took you to come up with that response?" I shook my head no and he promptly answers, "11 minutes and 27 seconds." I'm about to question how he knew but as I raise my head I see his phone in his paw. The stop watches timer read 11:27 in clear cut red against a black background.
"Well there are a lot of things I like about you," I begin, "and that's all that truly matters. You're the one I love. Why do I even need to like myself?" I finish honestly. I don't need to love myself, so what if I despise every aspect about me that exists; I just need to love him. As long as I can cater to his wants and needs and keep him happy I'll be ok. Even when he decides to dump me, throw me away for someone that is worthy of him.
"Fine," Luke challenges, "let's say I want a relationship with you," even though I can clearly see this is a hypothetical situation just the thought of a chance at a relationship with Luke sent my heart soaring, "where do you see this relationship ending?"
"When you're done with me you'll leave to be with someone better. Someone you truly deserve," I answer quickly, not even needing to give thought to my answer, stating it like it was as obvious as the fact that 2+2=4. It appears my answer has only upset him more as the watering in his eyes that had died down is now back with renewed vengeance.
"What happens if I don't want to leave you?" he asked.
"What do you mean?" I shoot back, I'm now truly interested in the answer he has to give me. I mean it's obvious that, even though I truly love him, he will eventually find someone worthy and need to leave me so he can be with that person. I just don't see any other outcome.
"Why do you assume that it is me that is gonna leave? What about you? What about the possibility of us working out in the long run? Where is the uncertain willingness to go forward and hope for the best? Why is our relationship over, doomed to fail before it even starts?" Luke is basically pleading with me to answer is inquiry. This leaves me honestly stunned. I thought he knew what kind of trash I am. If he stays with me too long he will surely regret it. He needs to understand this, so I will just have to properly explain it to him.
"Well because, I'm sure that one day you will find someone as great as you are. So you won't be able to be with someone that will just drag you down, I mean-"Luke cuts me off.
"You see!?!?" he yells, almost on the edge of complete fury, "You don't accept yourself as anything but a failure!! Why?" he croaks out the last part almost drained from his outburst.
I reply calmly, "In don't see anything wrong with honesty-"once again I am cut off by Luke.
"Honesty?!! This is just self-deprecation plain and simple. Rose don't you understand that you are just as good as me? We all have flaws but we also have things that we excel at. Why don't you see anything good in yourself? Everyone in that bar sees great things in you, just like I do, so how come you can't see it?" Luke yells desperately at me, as if by being louder he would drill his point into my head, see strong headed in the worst ways. It is a painful combination to listen to as I can hear the words tearing at his own heart as he is saying them. Do I really mean that much? Of course not, Luke is just a kind person. He will soon understand that I am just used to make his life easier, after that he can throw me away with the rest of the garbage.
"Those people in the bar see nothing in me," I explain, "Even Sway gets applause."
"You got two standing ovations," Luke shot back, almost to challenge me at my own game, "in a row I might add."
"I couldn't of done it without Orange Cat," I reply, hurt that he forgot about the true star.
"He sang back up, both times," he says exasperatedly, "he barely even sang at all the second time."
"Why in God's name are you trying so hard!?" I yell out. I catch myself and put my right paw over my maw and blush in embarrassment. I just yelled at Luke, damn it! How could I possibly yell at a being so much better than me? I felt a paw on my chin, lifting up until my gaze met Luke's, for the first time since I broke it near the beginning of the conversation.
"I try so hard because I love you," he whispers to me. What? He surely didn't say love. He doesn't even know what love really is, he's too young. He probably just likes me; he couldn't be lusting after my disgusting body either. "It hurts me; it pains my heart to know that you think so badly of yourself. The fact that the man that I think so highly of thinks so lowly of himself rips my heart apart. I love you and want us to be mates for a long time, but I don't want to start a relationship with you until you see it going where I see it going." Luke finished.
"And where do you see it going?" I inquire.
"On and on forever," he whispers, as he leans in and gives me a light kiss