FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

I hope you all enjoy reading this. By all means, please comment and critique; I love feedback. Nick is bisexual, and the story has some homosexual content. Don't read if that bothers you etc. Thanks!

• Xi

EDIT: Thanks to [Tank Jaeger](%5C) for help with the paragraph near the end, that begins with "Jake's head turned". His suggestion really helped me clarify that.

All's Fair - Part 15

The door to my room opened, and I looked up with a playful grin, brush in paw. Jake smiled back, helplessly, as though the joy he felt were torn from him. Yet I remained playful, flirtingly bringing one shoulder up and tilting my head in the way I'd learned he liked. It earned me a chuckle, again as though he couldn't stop himself, even though it took more energy than he could afford to pour out.

I'd never understood why two furs would stay together, even when it meant lying to each other, putting up a paper-thin mask of happiness and vitality. It should have made no sense; he was tearing apart before my eyes, pretending to be as strong as ever despite the way he could barely keep his head up in class, barely maintain his pretense through the day, until he could collapse next to me in bed, asleep almost before his head touched the pillows. Pretending that he slept peacefully when I could hear him whimpering at night. It should have made no sense that I would keep listening to his lies, and pretending I believed them, even when that meant acting like nothing was wrong and pulling more and more out of him every day.

I understood it now. It was, quite simply, because I still wanted to be with him - I still felt a simple kind of happiness when he held me, despite our lies; and that I knew he still felt it too, despite his exhaustion. And that scared me.

Damn it, I'd stayed quiet too long again; Jake was starting to look worried. So I tried turning the tables on him, to deflect any questions. "Are you going to just stare at me all day, or come on in?" I asked, keeping my tone light.

The wolf in the doorway shook himself, and gave a casual grin while walking in. I wasn't the only one who'd been thinking. "A better question than that is how long you're going to sit there preening before you get dressed again and come have dinner. And while we're at it, why are you sitting on the desk when there's a chair right next to it?"

"Chairs are overrated," I laughed. "I spent all day in one chair or another during class, and I don't need to sit in another one now; and to the first, as soon as I got out of class someone -" I gave him a teasing glare "- decided to take me to the beach, even though the water is like thirty below, and now I'm trying to get all the sand out of my fur."

He laughed himself and stole my brush - another thing I'd learned he really liked to do. "Wimp. Here we're having the warmest February in twenty years and you won't even dip your little toe in."

I shuddered theatrically, half to cover a shiver as he worked over my back where I'd been having trouble reaching. "Water and I don't mix, and I intend to keep it that way, thank you very much."

"Oh come on, you can't tell me you don't know how to swim."

"I know perfectly well how to swim. I just avoid it whenever possible, like you would if you were sane."

"Scaredy cat."

"Jerk."

He laughed and ran his paws up my back, fluffing the fur up to shake out any lingering grains of sand, then brushed it down again. "Okay, you're done. Finally. Now put some clothes on before Mum and Dad come looking for both of us!"

A few minutes later I was sitting at the kitchen table, starting in on a plateful of roasted mutton and potatoes. I knew for a fact that I'd been permanently spoiled for the correction center's food, but such was life. What was a little more worrying was the relative silence at the table. It wasn't an impending-announcement kind of silence; more like a cold-war or impending-doom kind. Michael occasionally made a comment, and whoever responded would do so naturally enough, but the easy give-and-take that used to characterize the meal had been conspicuously absent for the last couple of weeks.

I could think of a couple reasons. One: Aislyn. Another: Dan and Halo weren't especially happy with me for mouthing off at the center, and had taken me back on both the subsequent Saturdays for another checkup themselves. It felt approximately like being escorted to prison once a week, and my resultant surliness hadn't improved matters any. I was also fairly sure that they were mad at Jake, though I was less clear on why. His grades had been slipping; maybe because of that.

Abruptly Halo broke the silence. "You have all your homework done - both of you?" Her voice was just slightly disapproving.

I nodded - my mouth was full - while Jake said "Yes, Mum." I crossed my fingers under the table, hoping she wasn't about to get cold hooves and say I couldn't go.

It had all started when Becky had been showing off a new necklace Todd had gotten for her over the break. It turned out that she'd had a birthday just before school started again. Which led to a discussion of birthdays in general, which led to her asking when mine was. Now, obviously I have one, but I don't care to celebrate it, because the correction center's sappy, artificial parties have a tendency to make me wish I were sick. My teasing evasions had apparently convinced the silver fox that I needed a real party to make up for it, and she'd come back the next day with it all planned out, no input or consent required. Frankly, I think she and Todd just wanted an excuse; it was feeling altogether too much like we'd settled in for the school term for their liking.

Anyway, the point is that I was supposed to be at Becky's house in an hour. Dan and Halo had been rather reluctant to let me go - I wasn't grounded, per se, but close - but they'd eventually given their permission. Not their blessing, exactly, but their permission.

My fears were baseless; neither Halo nor Dan redacted their support, and the rest of the meal was fairly quiet. Just the sounds of biting back speech. And chewing, and silverware. I retreated to my room afterwards and paced restlessly until sounds from downstairs caught my attention. I walked to the balcony and looked down curiously.

It was Amy.

She was shaking paws politely with Dan. Not looking up, fortunately, or she'd have seen my face in the brief window between recognizing her and regaining control of myself. I'd not realized that she'd be with us when Jake drove me over. Swallowing hard, I tore my gaze away from her gold-and-white-clad form. Despite everything, she was beautiful. Jake was walking down the stairs to her, smiling. Suddenly the nicer clothes he'd changed into when we got back made sense. A flicker of motion attracted my gaze next, and I looked up in time to see Aislyn's door shut abruptly. The thump, while not nearly a slam, was still quite audible.

Unfortunately, that held my attention for only a second. I still looked back to the living room in time to see leopard and wolf lips meet. They didn't kiss long, or deeply - Dan and Halo and Michael were right there, after all - but I shuddered hard, through my whole body, and stepped back out of sight. Suddenly I felt sick.

It had been getting worse, not better. Every time I saw them with each other. The strangest, most miserable part of it was that I couldn't feel angry with Amy. Couldn't feel jealous, or spiteful, or vindicated when she left. I didn't see her as competition; she and Jake had something completely different than what I and he did, and always would.

But they looked so good together.

I forced myself to swallow, clearing the hint of bile from my throat, and stepped out again. It was time to go. The air downstairs, especially once I'd gotten there, was thick enough to cut. God, I just wanted to shout it out, shove it into the light. Everyone knew, except her. Even Michael probably had some kind of inkling by now; certainly Dan and Halo did, unless they were completely blind, deaf, and unable to smell. Why hadn't they said anything? Didn't they give a damn? She looked at me, and I wondered how on earth she couldn't tell. Or if she could. The tracks on my back where his paws had been felt like they were glowing, burning red. She had to be able to tell, to see the way I fell apart whenever I looked at him.

"Hey, Nick." Cool, polite, inflectionless. She'd never liked me; maybe she'd known, even before I did? But she had too much class to use the epithets flowing through my mind.

"Hey, Amy." Should I mention that she looked nice? She did. The dark gold fabric somehow didn't clash with her lighter gold fur, and the white lining offset her spots well. But lord, complimenting your boyfriend's girlfriend's looks? For that matter, noticing your boyfriend's girlfriend's looks? Oi.

He's not your boyfriend, so can it. Good thing too; he's a complete jerk. Take a deep breath; you stopped a couple minutes ago. "Anyway, I guess we should go." Yeah, that wasn't awkward at all. Great job.

We promised to be back by midnight, then left. Her vehicle was in the driveway, but we took Halo's. I don't know why, or why we didn't pick Amy up from her house instead of her driving over, but I didn't ask. I took the back seat, obviously, while Jake drove and Amy took the passenger's. They spoke quietly, while I did my level best not to listen. It was easy, in a way; all I had to do was imagine the way he looked while he spoke, the way his lips moved around each syllable, and I stopped really caring what the words were, as long as his voice continued to rumble and pulse through me...

She was asking me a question. I could tell by the way her lips moved, interrupting my dream. I shook it out of my mind. "Sorry, what?"

"I said, how've you been doing since you got out of the center?"

"Umm, good?" Don't panic. She might just be asking. Sure, she virtually never starts a conversation with you, but it could happen.

"Been settling in all right with Jake?"

Lord, talk about a double-edged question. Odds that is accidental?! Slim to none. But best to just pretend you don't get it, I guess. "I - fairly, well, I guess." Now say something. You're acting like you're being interrogated. Jeez, it's work to have to think so much before you open your muzzle. "H-how about you?" Not that, you moron! She's not settling in anywhere! "Um, I mean, how've you been doing?"

She actually smiled - a real, not-awkward-at-all, genuine smile. That's about when I realized I must be dreaming. "It's all right, Nick. I'm not going to eat you or anything. I've been doing pretty well. Schoolwork's killing me, but that's life. You?"

My ears perked up a bit, even while I quailed inwardly. Okay, so maybe this is just innocent - unsettling, but actually kind of nice. But God, I was feeling guilty - so much so that I worried I'd just blurt it out if I didn't keep my tongue under strict watch. Talk about a tell-tale heart situation, except without the murder. How could he do this to her? To himself?

Best say something. "Not so badly, actually. Econ is a complete pushover compared to what I expected, and..."

We chatted for the rest of the short drive, and I actually enjoyed myself despite my nervousness and puzzlement. It was only afterwards, alone on Becky's driveway, that I realized she must be actively trying to be friendly with me for Jake's sake.

Oh.

With that pleasant thought for company, I stepped a bit apprehensively up to the front door and knocked. I didn't really know what to expect, having never been to one of these things before. All I knew - and this only because Dan and Halo had made me find out - was that her parents were going to be present, and that about half a dozen furs had been invited.

I needn't have worried, really. The party wasn't the issue. Some random cat flung the door open almost before I'd knocked and glomped me. A second later he pulled away, presumably blushing through his blue-grey fur. "Oh - s-sorry, dude, I thought you were..." he trailed off, while I stood there stiffly, not really registering what he said, my arms burning where he'd touched them. Suddenly I felt unclean.

God, what was wrong with me? I made myself check him out briefly. He looked good. I supposed. So why was I repulsed? Why did I want to shower him off of me? " 'S not an issue," my voice said, continuing without me. It made my lips smile, then carried my feet into the house. Todd met me a couple steps inside, Becky right behind him. She laid her chin on his shoulder and gave me a silly, exuberant grin. "Hey guys, how's it going?" my voice said, with barely a hint of artificiality coloring it. I couldn't hear their answer over the scuffing of my paw against my jeans, but I continued talking, nonchalant. There was a movie playing from deeper in the house; we moved to it, let the flashing luminescence press against our faces in red and blue.

A small part of me realized that I was heading for a breakdown, impossibly fast, completely inexplicable. But very small; I was being overwhelmed with sensations that had stopped meaning what they were supposed to. The sound of conversation wasn't supposed to hurt; the couch wasn't supposed to cling to me, crawl over me like centipedes and lice. I wasn't supposed to want to laugh when the mouse on the glowing screen lost her two children. What was wrong with me?

The cat's girlfriend came in; she was the second-to-last one supposed to arrive. My body kept acting normal. I tried to make it do something, anything to alert everyone that something had broken; the only evidence was a slight, steady increase in tension in my tone, my body. This wasn't, couldn't be safe.

I was on the sidewalk, gasping for air while my body surged back into my control. I could remember making up some excuse, slipping outside, moving faster and faster until I was sprinting through the chilly air. Not really too far - maybe a block or two? I'd not been keeping track. Then it had snapped, and I'd spent six agonizing seconds screaming, howling to the - thankfully few - passers by, who were now giving me a wide berth. And now I was back. Terrified, but back.

"What in hell was that?" I asked no one, drawing breath after shaky breath.

Slowly, my brain started working again, and I groaned. I'd just walked right out of the party. Probably managed to look like a complete psychopath doing it, too. What excuse had I used? Something about needing to get some air. Reaching into my pocket, I took out my phone and typed a message for Todd. I claimed I was feeling pretty sick, apologized for bailing like that. Paper-thin, if that, but in a way it was true. He texted back with his concern, so I spent a few minutes chatting with him, apologizing again and trying to put him at ease.

I hadn't really paid attention to where my feet were going, so I was a bit surprised that they seemed to have a specific destination. Worse, as soon as I was thinking about it they stopped, so I had to figure out where on my own. After a moment's thought I managed it; I had to be heading for Claire's, to be moving in that direction. After another moment, I even remembered why: she'd been the last fur who'd been supposed to show up, but she hadn't as of when I - left.

Then I had a bit of an argument with myself; the appropriate course was for me to either call Dan and Halo for a ride back, or, slightly less so, to walk back myself. Besides, I wasn't sure I wanted another run-in with Claire's mother - it might me detrimental to my health. Anyway, at the very least I should call her, see what was up, before I just dropped in. That was just common courtesy.

The brass numbers on here door were, if anything, even grimier than before. I paused before knocking, and impulsively burnished them a little with my sleeve. Mostly it just got my sleeve dirty.

There was no response for quite some time after I rapped on the old wood. Just a bunch of miscellaneous sounds, from what sounded like raised voices to some heavy scrapings. When it finally opened I was a bit surprised to see a smallish fox in grey slacks and a white undershirt. "Can I help you?" he asked politely in a startlingly deep voice.

I fidgeted under his light green gaze. "Uh, yeah, I'm Nick, and I was wondering if I could talk to Claire? I'm friends with her from school," I added hastily, remembering that that had seemed to help last time I was here. But then, this didn't seem anything like last time, despite the prickling down my spine.

He smiled an engaging, strangely charismatic smile. "It's nice to meet you, Nick. Won't you come in?" he stepped out of the way, gesturing into the somewhat dim, more-than-somewhat dirty room beyond. It didn't seem to bother him - for that matter didn't really act like we'd only just met, despite his words. He didn't shake my paw or anything. Yet he seemed quite friendly all the same.

I tentatively stepped inside, then followed him to the living room in the back of the narrow house. I paused in trepidation when I saw Claire's mother slouched immensely in an old lay-z-boy, at least half passed out from the unmarked bottle on the side table. But her father gave me a gentle push from behind, his paws resting on my shoulders and kneading very slightly before he ended the contact. I shivered - or shuddered. He had me sit on the old couch across from his wife, the furniture sinking ominously under my scant weight, then left again - to get Claire, he murmured.

After a long, uncomfortable moment, Claire's mother looked up at me through rheumy eyes. "Ye're the runt," she slurred.

I bristled. "I'm Nick - Claire's friend."

The bear thought about this, then took a long pull of her bottle. My nose wrinkled. "Shh-school," she mumbled indifferently - derisively, really. I bristled more.

"Claire's doing very well there, by the way. She's one of the best students in our year."

Swig.

Before my boiling blood could make me do anything stupid, she suddenly stood up. The simple ease and power of that motion made the room feel cramped and airless for about two seconds while the enormous bear gestured grandly. " 'S n-nuth'n," she got out, before wobbling and collapsing back onto her groaning seat. She gave a satisfied belch, apparently content with her statement.

We were interrupted by Claire's father who walked in and paused while Claire all but snuck around him, taking a seat with me on the couch. It sagged nearly enough to touch the scruffy carpet.

The fox surveyed us with his pale green eyes, something like avarice flickering sickly behind them. "Well," he said in his smooth, pleasant baritone, looking at his wife. "How... quaint." He moved past us, his slacks just brushing my leg in the tight space, and sat on the edge of a chair at right angles to the couch, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees. "So, tell us a little about yourself, Nick. I don't think we've seen you around much before this year?" He sounded kind, on the surface; why was my spine still prickling?

"N-no, sir. I was at - well, at a different school until this year."

"Oh? Did you just move here?"

Why was he taking such an interest? "No, I was at the, um, correction center schools."

He nodded like this was completely normal. "I see. That must have been hard for you, Nick." He reached out a comforting paw, just brushing the soft fur on my cheek before I jerked away. "So you're living there, then?"

"No, I'm -" I blurted out before my brain caught up with me. "-I'm staying with another family."

The fox smiled gently and nodded. "Ah, I see."

I tried to divert the conversation. "So, um, would it be okay if Claire and I went out for a while? I mean, if you want to?" The last was directed at Claire, who was studying her paws in her lap and hadn't said a word.

Before she could answer, her father did. "Oh, I'm afraid Claire still has some homework to finish up tonight." He gave me another smile, his weird charisma still a little captivating. "Perhaps you could stop by another day. I'd love to have you sometime." I looked to Claire for help, but she just shook her head minutely, returning my gaze with an odd mixture of gratitude and unhappiness.

"I really do have a ton of work to do," she said. "Sorry. Thanks for saying hi, though." After another moment her father gently had me bid my goodbyes and walked me back to the door with Claire, his paw rubbing my arm lightly.

"It was lovely to meet you, Nick. Do come again." Once at the door, he gave my back a quick rub and released me.

I looked at the door for a moment after it closed, my stomach roiling, then shuddered hard and walked as quickly as I could down the street.

It felt like there were eyes watching me every step of the way; after only a few minutes I broke down and called Halo for a ride, telling her I'd just gone to see a friend when she asked why I wasn't at Becky's. I think something in my voice must have said more than I wanted it to, because she didn't press me. Ten eternal minutes later I climbed into the passenger's seat and huddled there, shivering and rubbing my paws together. It was cold out.

"Are you okay, Nick?" the red-black deer asked, still parked so she could look at me.

I gave her a smile that I hoped was convincing. "Yeah. Just walked over to see a friend, since she couldn't come to the party after all. Sorry for making you come out here, I was just cold."

What is the point of being a good liar if no one believes you? Especially when, technically, that was almost all true. But thankfully, Halo contented herself with a concerned look before she took me back. Once there I thanked her again, remembered to text Jake that he didn't need to get me, and fled as casually as I could to the bathroom, where I spent the next thirty minutes scrubbing. It didn't really help.

When I got out I wanted to go downstairs again to wait for Jake. For that matter, I knew that I should go downstairs again to talk with Dan and Halo. But I didn't know if I could handle being that close before Amy left. So instead I got a book and stepped out onto the deck over the front porch. I sat on the railing beneath an outdoor light and pretended to read, shooting anxious glances to the driveway out of the corner of my eyes. He was taking forever.

Finally, finally the red sedan pulled into the driveway, then the garage. I think that was the hardest part: knowing he was just inside the house, talking with Amy and his parents in the bright light on the other side of the glass doors, and not daring to move. It lasted forever, until at last I heard the front door open beneath me.

I had just time to realize that, while an excellent lookout, this was not where I wanted to be right then, before they started murmuring to each other. Not enough time to get up and go back inside; and after they started, I found that I couldn't do it. Some combination of the curiosity that has promoted eavesdropping for eons and the fascination that lets you become mesmerized by the blood dripping from a wound kept me there.

"I... had a great time tonight, babe," he murmured to her. I could imagine the way they must be standing so close together, his arms wrapped around her back and waist...

"I did, too," she returned softly, with a kind of longing under the contentment in her purr. They were quiet for a while, and my heart twisted while my brain forced me to think of their lips touching, their muzzles pressed together. Finally I heard her voice again, though I wondered if the bare hint of a plea was in my imagination. "I - I love you, Jake."

He whispered something, to soft to catch, though I knew what it had to be. I just didn't know the way he said it. His voice went beck to normal as he said "See you later, Amy," and walked her to her car. I continued pretending to read as I heard her door shut, her engine start, and her wheels against the pavement as she drove slowly away.

Jake turned and walked back inside; I heard the door open and shut. And in the moment when he was inside, before he stepped out onto the deck with me, I heard Amy's car stop, long before the sound should have faded away. A handful of agonizing seconds for both of us, then her door opened shut softly in the distance.

My heart constricted. So now she guessed, or at least was too uneasy to trust any longer. I knew I could stop it; just step inside to where she couldn't see before Jake came out; or just tell him. But in those few seconds, when she had made her decision to look, I had made mine.

Jake softly opened the door and stepped out. I looked at him, knowing he'd see the desire in my eyes and hoping he'd miss the misery. I smiled helplessly for him. "Hey," I whispered.

"Hey, mutt," he answered softly.

The wolf moved slowly over and pulled me into a standing position. We looked deeply at each other for a long moment, then I pressed myself forward, holding him as tightly as I could and trembling despite my attempts to stop. A few tears leaked into his nice, button-up black shirt. Slowly, I pulled back just far enough to look up at him again. We smiled together, then I stood on tiptoes and he leaned his head down, until our lips brushed together. I pressed deeper, desperately opening my muzzle to let him in, rubbing my tongue against his while the world faded away and his paws moved down my back. We hadn't kissed like this since the first time, because neither of us had been so afraid since that night, until now. It was pure, exalted bliss. It was just that this kind of bliss hurt.

I knew by the hitch in his breathing when he noticed the leopard watching us from the street. He gave me one last gift - for two more impossible seconds he kept kissing me. Then his arms roughly pushed me away while he looked down at his girlfriend.

Jake's head turned, the fur on his ruff rustling almost inaudibly, and stared at me with his impossible eyes. The question in them reverberated silently between us: did you know? I held his gaze, forcing myself not to hide from it, while the seconds slipped by. Slowly, pain blossomed their depths, along with betrayal. His lips formed words, but no sound escaped while his face twisted. Finally he whirled and ran into the house again, chasing her.

For a single instant after the glass door closed behind him I held still. Then I wrapped my arms around myself in a crude parody of his embrace, fell to my knees, and wept.

***

Well this could be the last time you will stand by my side. Well I can feel my soul, it's bleeding. Will you fly with me this evening? - 3 Doors Down: By My Side

I don't think I'm completely satisfied with this part, for several reasons. I don't think the mood is easy to follow because of the dichotomy between the casual actions and Nick's underlying tension was poorly done (I wish I knew how other writers pull that off so well). Also, his actions are somewhat poorly explained, especially when he flips out at the party, and he goes through a fair number of rather sudden mood swings.

Still, I did like it reasonably well overall, despite that. What was your opinion? Agree/disagree with my assessment, or do you have other things that bugged you? Let me know, and thank you all for reading.