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"We found our way out

Of the suicide pact

Of our family and friends"

Phoebe Bridgers,

'Would You Rather'

Hey, I'm Ash.

No, that's not right.

Hi, it's so nice to meet you. I'm Ash.

No, that's not it either.

I don't need to be so stuffy and formal, he already knows my name. In fact, he knows far more than that.

Hey, Ben right? Yeah, that's right. No, not Ashley. No, not Asher. It's not short for anything actually. Yeah, just 'Ash'. Yeah, no, I chose it myself. No it's not a- I changed it because- Look, I don't really want to talk about that.

Oh my god, I hate this.

Flirting used to be so easy for me. Small talk, introductions, conversation, invitations, it all came naturally. I'm not proud of much about the husky I used to be, but at least I had that on lock. I was confident and charismatic. People liked me. Now, even the thought of talking to somebody I don't already intimately know gets my anxiety whirring like a budget laptop struggling to run Ableton.

I squint at the sun, shading my eyes with one paw while the other lazily paddles, spinning me slowly in wide circles atop the water. I sigh, shut my eyes and try to empty my mind, deciding I should give up on figuring out what I want to say tonight and instead try to enjoy the quiet tranquility of the moment.

It doesn't work. Intrusive thoughts keep on breaking through, interfering, torturing me with a string of internal self-pitying noise.

"Google, could you play my playlist 'downbeat indie music to brood and vibe to' please?"

The assistant makes an affirmative beep and I'm soon awash in spare guitars and heartfelt vocal ballads, lyrics about broken hearts and broken minds. The music does a decent job of drowning out the undesired voices in my head, or at least gives them something to sing along to.

"You're getting more and more polite to that machine," Saph says, her playful smile practically audible. "Starting to wonder if you'll ask it on a date."

I open my eyes to find her poolside in a black bathing suit, her curled tail whipping back and forth behind her and her ears perked up at alert, ready and eager to listen to whatever it is I have to say for myself. She sits and dips her toes, then her legs, in the water, beaming a toothy grin my way.

"If I'm gonna force the poor bastard to play melancholic music all day, I think I should at least ask it nicely."

"Ah," Saphs says. Her ears tilt toward the speaker and, after a few seconds spent listening, she nods knowingly. "Is it existential-dread-o-clock already? Gosh, where does the time go?"

"I thought you knew already," I say, mock-offended. "It's always existential-dread-o-clock in this house of fun."

"Oh, house of fun? That's so us, isn't it?" She laughs and the deep blue of her irises catches the sun, shimmering. Not for the first time, nor the hundredth, I find myself thinking she's beautiful.

I wonder whether - if I weren't a flaming fag and she weren't_vigorously_ asexual - we might be lovers, though it's a pointless thought, and one far removed from reality. I'm just feeling all needy and emotional and pulling at random mental threads in some self-defeating attempt to feel better about myself.

It's been a long time since I've been loved - romantically, at least. It's been even longer since I've felt that kind of love for another. Some days that fact doesn't bother me one bit. Some days it's pretty much all I can think about.

I reorient myself so that I'm standing - rather than floating - in the pool. I'm near the deep end, so only my head and shoulders protrude from the surface as I match Saph's gaze. She finally fully joins me in the water and paddles over to me, stopping a couple of meters away so that she can stand without assistance from the tips of her toes.

"Nice of you to join me Saph," I say, stretching, my tail dragging itself through the water in labored motions, doing its best impression of a wag.

"You looked like you could use a little company," she says. "And the weather's fine, so swimming seemed like a good way to get outside without actually leaving the premises."

I nod, but don't say anything, she doesn't press me. Instead she starts swimming laps of backstroke up and down the pool, maintaining a leisurely pace as she goes. She likes to keep up with her exercise; something I could do with following her lead on.

I look down through the rippling, but otherwise clear water at my protruding belly. I can't claim to ever have been fit, in fact I've mostly always had a bit of a tummy, but over the past three years it has grown at a steady place. A slow pace, so as to be imperceptible on a day by day, or week by week basis, but if I compare myself now to the day I arrived back in Canada... yeah. Where once I was lovably squeezable I am now, well, fat. Not double take fat, not 'oh my god' fat, but fat nonetheless. Of course, there's nothing inherently wrong with that, it's just not how I want to be. Still...

I could exercise more, I could eat less, but why fucking bother?

I'm not nihilistic about it, or apathetic, I'm just... I don't know. What the fuck am I? That's the question I've been struggling with my entire life. Twenty-nine years in and I don't feel any closer to an answer. In fact, these past three years I've felt further away from one than ever.

But, I'm okay. I'm happy, mostly. I have Saph. I have Eve. I have a big, beautiful house with a big fucking outdoor pool. I shouldn't be allowed to complain about anything. Saph wouldn't agree with that last part, but that's why I'm keeping all of this in my head.

With my fellow husky housemate busying herself, I resume floating atop the water, though now taking care not to drift along her path. I close my eyes and try again.

Oh, hey, Ben? Yeah, that's right. Ha, no, it's not short for anything. So, what's your poison? I'm ordering. No, don't worry about it, I'm loaded. No, no, I don't have some glamorous job. Then where did I get the money? A massive fucking settlement offer, that's where I fucking got it.

My fists clench and I thrash involuntarily, splashing water in all directions.

God, It's one of those days again,isn't it?Well, fuck.

Saph stops swimming laps and paddles over, standing as she reaches me, tilting her head in tender concern.

"Flashbacks?" She asks.

"Flashbacks." I confirm.

She takes a step closer, on her tiptoes in the deep water, and spreads her arms wide. I look down at my naked body then up at her, my jaw shifting in uncertainty. She shrugs.

I've always preferred to swim nude, and ever since I bought this place I've not once put a costume on to go in the pool. Even Saph moving in didn't stop me, I'd just try and use it when she was out, or asleep. Eventually I figured I'd have to buy some swimwear so that I could stop excusing myself whenever she invited me to join her, but it wasn't exactly a pressing concern.

Perhaps it should have been. One evening I was interrupted from my reverie as I drifted across the pool's surface by a chuckling husky. I was certain she had long-since been lost to dreams, but there she was, lively and awake. I jolted upright, covering my groin with both paws and making apologetic noises. She kept on chuckling and I felt awkward and stupid, but she just shook her head and asked if this was why I never swam with her. I admitted it was, she tutted and told me: no more excuses. I was confused. She said: honey, your dick doesn't care about me and I don't care about it, got it? And that was that. Since then I stopped worrying about my nakedness, until this moment, that is.

Once again my fears are unfounded.

"Your sheath isn't gonna hurt me dummy," she says, wrapping me in her arms. I reciprocate and our wet fur mingles and squelches as we press our bodies together - it's kind of a strange feeling, but her display of affection is more than welcome.

"Thanks Saph. I don't deserve you."

"Oh shut it, you big softie. You've done so much for me, and you know I think you're a hero. You don't need to thank me for anything."

I smile and nod, and go quiet. She goes back to swimming laps. I lean against the side of the pool and just watch her, letting the monotony of her exercise empty my head of horrors long past.

It works, for a while, but it's only a stop gap solution. The memories always return. The violence, the fear, the rage. That overwhelming feeling of total and complete powerlessness.

He shoved my head down hard against the floor. It hurt. My ears were ringing, my body was aching, I felt dizzy and disoriented as he pulled-

And when I force that memory from my head the next one comes.

His hair in my paw, his life in my hands. I tugged his head back and I-

Saph thinks I'm a hero.

I don't know what I am, but not that.

Catching her breath at the end of the pool, she sees me brooding and paddles over once again.

"You got it bad today, huh?"

"I don't know why," I say.

She hums, then clicks her fingers and her eyes widen in excitment. "Wait, it's Sunday, isn't it?"

"It is."

"I get it," she says, nodding repeatedly. "You got that hot date tonight and its got you all anxious."

I want to deny it and play things cool, but what would be the point? She'd see right through me.

"You got me," I say with a sigh.

I hate that she's right. I never used to be so pathetic, nor this easy to read.

"Don't be so hard on yourself. Me and you, we have good reason to be anxious about these things."

"I know." I say. My voice is flat. I can't maintain eye contact.

"But we're tough, Ash. They call us 'survivors' for a reason."

I flinch at the sudden sensation of her paw making contact with my wrist, but I remind myself it's only Saph, and settle. She takes my paw in hers and squeezes gently.

"It's been years Saph, I just- I want to be over it already."

I feel a sting in my eyes, a warning that I might cry if I'm not careful. I really don't want to cry.

Saph shakes her head.

"You know that's not how this works. We just do our best, day by day."

"Day by day," I repeat.

"And it's gotten better for you, I know it has, we've talked about it."

"But-"

"I know, I know. Sometimes it doesn't feel like enough, but..." She shrugs. "It is what it is."

"I know," I say "I know."

"Hey, plus, this is your first date in months. Of course you're gonna work it up in your head. It's only natural."

"Maybe I should cancel," I say.

"Do you not wanna meet him?"

"It's not that, I just- I know it won't go well. Not today."

"Ash, if you wanna cancel, then cancel."

"I... Well..."

"Then don't cancel! Look, if the date goes to shit, you can come home, we can crack open a fresh bottle of tequila and watch shitty sci-fi on Netflix." I musk make a face or something because she chuckles and says. "Good consolation prize, eh?"

"Alright Saph, you got me."

"See?There's something to look forward to. And, oh! There's more. Don't forget that Eve is coming up in just eight days."

I smile and a cloud lifts from my mind.

"It's been too long," I say.

"Won't be much longer now. I can't wait to meet her."

"Oh come on, you've met her before."

"Standing behind you while you're on Discord doesn't really qualify as meeting someone, but, yeah, she seems super lovely, and she loves you so I know she's smart."

"You two aren't going to fight over me are you?"

"Not unless she tries to replace me as your roomie. Though I don't think the house would feel so spacious with all her boyfriends crammed in. I mean the lot of them staying for a couple weeks is one thing, but..."

I laugh and shake my head. "She only has one boyfriend Saph."

"Wait, huh? Oh! The other one's- Well, not the other one, but- They're non-binary right?"

"Yeah," I say, nodding. "I haven't met them yet, but that's what Eve told me."

"What was their name again? Her boyfriend's Jay right?"

"Yeah it's Jay and..." I scrunch my eyes and click my fingers, inviting the memory to appear in my head. It- Wait! There it is. "Feather. Jay and Feather. I almost forgot, that's bad right?"

"No," Saph says, waving a paw. "Eve and Jay have only been with them a few months, right?"

I nod. "I guess I can't get too mad at myself."

"Pretty name though, Feather."

"It is, yeah, and, oh," I look down at my belly and the distorted depths of the pool water. "Do you think I should get some swim shorts or something for when they're over?"

Saph tilts her head, then shrugs. "I mean, from what I've gathered about Eve, I don't think she or anyone she's involved with would take offense to you floating around in your bare fur." She catches my eyes and smirks. "I guess it all depends on how horny you plan on getting them."

"God, you're right," I laugh. "Eve's relentless. She'll bully me into fucking Jay if I'm not careful."

"Part of me thinks you want that."

I nibble on a finger and stare at nothing, a more recent, more pleasant memory now invading my mind. I feel a heat in my head that quickly rushes straight to my groin. Now is not the time for that kind of memory. My ears flatten in instinctive embarrassment and one of my paws shoots down to cover myself up just in time to meet my tip as it pokes free from my sheath.

"Sorry," I say, trying to neither look at Saph nor down at my crotch.

"Now I know you want it," she teases. "That, or you're thinking about the other wolf you've had in this house."

"Guilty as charged," I admit in a meek chirp, still avoiding eye contact.

"You're really into bad boys, aren't you?"

I scoff.

"Now that's rich. Babe, I am the bad boy. Didn't I tell you the story of how I met him?"

"Well maybe you were a bad boy, Ash, but now you're a big softie." She says. "To be clear, I like you more this way."

"Hey, you didn't even know me back then!"

"Yeah," she agrees with a sly grin that almost leaves her looking vulpine. "But we wouldn't have been friends."

I laugh and relent. "You're probably right. But, still, surely I'm more of a bad boy now than ever."

"And what's your logic for that?"

My joy dissolves in an instant as my mind turns what was meant to be a quick joke at my own expense into a ritual remembrance of one of the worst moments of my life.

I hate this. I don't get it. Some days I can joke and cope easily. Some days I spiral at the slightest thing.

"I'm a murderer." I say.

The tone of my voice tells her everything she needs to know.

"No, Ash, you're a hero."

"How can you say that? You know the truth Saph."

"I do. And the truth is you're a fucking hero. He deserved to die." Her eyes glaze over as she talks, awful memories of her own flooding her thoughts, the anger buried within her surfacing. "I wish I had that chance with mine. I would've cut his grabbing fucking paws clean off."

"Saph," I say.

"You're lucky Ash, you got to watch your abuser die. What I wouldn't give to get to-"

"Saph," I say, a little louder.

"-watch mine. I'd pay any sum of money. I'd take out a mortgage for it. And you got to take out the fucker yourself? I mean-"

"Saph!" I grab her arm. She jerks it away and looks at me confused, wide eyed and feral, not focusing on anything. I lock my gaze to hers and, slowly, her eyes find focus in mine. Her face falls, she shudders and sniffs. I pull her into my arms. She sobs into my shoulder, shaking. "I'm sorry," I say. "I'm so sorry."

"It's okay," she says at length. "I'm okay. Just... Just don't call yourself that, Ash. You're not a murderer. That thing you killed was not a person. You made the world better by removing it. Don't forget that. Not ever."

"I won't Saph," I whisper. "I'm sorry."

I only wish it were that easy. I don't even disagree with her, I'd wager the world is better off without him in it, but still... What I saw will never leave me. All that blood. His abject fear as the life drained from his eyes. I wish that memory sat well with me, but it doesn't. It never could.

"Thank you Ash," she says, sniffing, pulling away from me, finding a small smile. I don't feel worthy of thanks. I just nod and do my best impression of a smile which, to be fair, is a pretty good impression. Not everything about me has changed. I'm still a talented liar when I need to be.

I wish I wasn't.

My phone blares out its default ringtone from just inside the house. Saved by the bell, I guess.

"I'll..." I say, pointing inside.

"Go," she says, wiping her eyes, now sporting a warmer smile, well on her way back to neutral. She steps back, takes in a deep breath and then, without another word, goes right back to swimming laps as if nothing had happened.

I scramble up and out of the pool in a rush, quickly shaking the worst of the wet out of my fur before heading inside, grabbing my phone and answering without even checking caller ID.

"Hello?"

"Ryan! Hi sweetie."

I sigh, exasperated, and collapse onto the nearest chair. My fat, wet ass soaking the thing instantly. At this point I don't care. I roll a paw down my face and say: "Mom, please can you stop calling me that. I changed my name three years ago."

"You can call yourself Ash, fine, but you're my baby, Ryan, and I will call you the name that I gave you. It's such a beautiful name."

I want to argue, but I know how that goes by now. I decide it's not worth it.

"So, mom, how come you're calling anyway?"

"Oh, just checking in on you honey. When are you going to visit me and pa anyway? We haven't seen you since last Christmas."

"I don't know, maybe next Christmas."

"Ryan!"

"Mom..."

She grunts, then sighs, then softens.

"Look, honey, I know you've been through a lot, but its been years since it all... you know? And me and your dad just want to know that you're moving on and that you're not just - it sounds kind of... but you know what I mean - we just want to be sure that you're not stagnating. You have so much potential, and I don't want to see it wasted baby, that's all."

I rub my temples with my free paw. I know this is her way of caring for me and showing her love, but it doesn't help, not one bit, and it doesn't feel good. She doesn't get me, she doesn't understand what I've been through - not really - or what I want or how I feel. She's never even tried to. That's how it's always been between us and how it always will be.

"I'm fine mom, I promise."

"Are you still living with that girl?"

"Saph. Yeah, I am."

"I'm sure she's lovely honey, but doesn't she get in the way of bringing boys home?"

"Mom, I-"

"At least tell me you've been going to the gym. I know size isn't everything, but-"

"Mom!"

"Look, Ryan, you're going to be thirty this year, I know you've been through a ton and I get that, and me and pa we love you so much, we just don't want you to waste this time, you know? I'd love to know you'd settled down with a nice man that could take care of you. The thing is: the older you get, the harder it becomes to find love, so you should-"

"How would you know mom? You've been with dad since you were seventeen. Plenty of people find love later in life, especially these days, and what if I...? What if I...?"

I feel sick suddenly. Why did this thought pop into my head?

"What if you what, darling?"

"What if I don't want to be with anyone, ever again?"

"Oh, baby..." She trails off. I think this is what she's been afraid of hearing the whole time, not just throughout this call, but for the last three years. "Is that really...?"

I don't know why she cares so much. I'm gay, I don't want to adopt, she isn't getting grandchildren from me so that's not the driving force behind all this.

Well...

I guess I do know her motive. She gave it away in this very call, not that I didn't know it already. She thinks I can't take care of myself. She thinks I need somebody to protect me, to keep me on track. She thinks by encouraging me to find somebody, she's being kind and caring, but she's not. She's making me feel like shit.

Still...

"No. No, mom. Not really. I mean, sometimes I just... But, no." I sniff and wipe the corners of my eyes. I managed to avoid crying all that time in the pool, but now I'm cutting it close.

"Good. Good. I love you son. We both do, Ash."

Hearing her use my name like that sends a small wave of warmth hurtling through me. It's not the first time she's used it, but it _is_a rare occurrence, and it means more than I know how to tell her. If only she'd realize how easy it would be to use it consistently, and how much it would mean to me.

I give myself a moment to recover, sniffing a little more in the meantime, then say: "actually mom, I'm going on a date tonight, with a mountain dog named Ben."

"Oh, wonderful! I'll bet he's very handsome, and if he has any sense at all I'm sure he'll fall right for you honey."

"We'll see," I say, trying to be diplomatic in the face of her ludicrous pseudo-logic.

"Don't be shy about your big house, or your pool."

"Yeah," I say. I hate talking about those things to people I don't know, but I'm not having thatconversation with my mom.

"And make sure Sapphire is out when you bring the young man home, okay?"

"Mom!"

Family is hell. Sometimes I wish I never had to talk to her or my dad ever again, but other times - for all their flaws - I'm glad to know there are people out there who love me and who will be there for me if I need them. I'm lucky really, and I know that.

I manage to get her off the phone after ten more minutes of talk, mostly revolving around my lacking love life. When I finally end the call, I'm exhausted.

I'm about to get up when the phone buzzes again. It's not a call this time, but a message. Sighing, I pick it up and take a look.

It's from Adrian.

He hasn't contacted me in months. Since, well, Christmas actually, and that was nothing more than a holiday greeting.

Since my return to Canada we haven't been close. It's not his fault. I mean, I'm pretty sure it has something to do with me making out with his boyfriend just before I got on the plane. I was such an ass back then.

I furrow my brow as I pull up the message and read it in full. When I'm done I don't know what to think. I read it again:

Hey Ash, I'm sorry I've been so bad at keeping in touch. I'm sending my love with Eve when she comes to visit, plus a little something extra, but for now I thought I'd reach out and say it's been too long and we really should catch up. I hope to see you soon xx

I stare at the message for over a minute before becoming certain of one thing, and one thing only. I have no fucking clue where any of this came from, but he sure as hell didn't send it to me because he misses me.

My stomach twists into knots. I wish I never got out of that damned pool.