Luca's Story Ch. 12
Chapter XII--Just a Little Taste of Bliss
_I'm sober now for 3 whole months, it's one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won't touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I'll drive so fucking far away that I'll never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind_
_Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see whats good for you_
_And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hands
And then I fell down yelling "make it go away" just make a smile
Come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered "How could you do this to me?"_
-Blue October, "Hate Me"
Luca, Beccah and Harold tore through the terminal, running after Ronnie. He was bolting for the train headed towards Grand Central, and already most of the traffic boarding and leaving had dissipated. Seeing Ronnie jump onto the train through the closing doors, Luca's heart dropped. She stopped right in front of the doors as he was looking out at her, and she hit her fists against the doors.
"Ronnie, don't do this!" she screamed through the doors. Ronnie's dark face only stared back at her. He put his hand up to the window, palm spreading against it. A tear started falling down his cheek.
"Just let me be," he said. His voice couldn't be heard through the window, he wasn't speaking loud enough, but Luca could read his lips.
The train started moving, and Ronnie disappeared down the tunnel.
"I'm sorry, Luca," Beccah said, breathing hard from the running. "Come on, let's see what we can clean up of the aftermath back at your place."
"No," Luca said in a half-whisper. "We're going after him."
"You don't even know where he's going, what station he's getting off on, or anything like that," Beccah protested.
"I think I do," Luca said, turning towards the pair. She saw how Harold and Beccah had their arms and hands intertwined with each other in a loving little hand-lock. She bit her lip. "You guys don't have to go."
"But we want to back up our friend," Harold said. "Besides, what if we have to tackle him down or something?"
Luca smiled gently, and gave Harold a light hug. She then gave Beccah an even tighter one. "You guys are the best friends in the world. Don't take this personally, but I think I have to do this on my own..."
With that, Luca looked around. Thankfully, it was a Sunday, and the platform was mostly abandoned. "Beccah, I need to borrow your jeans," she said, looking down at the skirt she had on.
A few minutes later, Luca was looking a lot more like Luke than she had since that fateful first day of school. She had removed the specialty bra she was wearing, rendering her chest flat and, subsequently, her t-shirt. The jeans she slid on were, thankfully enough, pretty unisex. It was definitely a good thing she and Beccah shared shoe sizes, as well, as she slid on Beccah's sneakers. Luca's hair had gone from being tied with half the hair up to having it all in just a basic ponytail. She washed away the remnants of makeup she'd had on from the day before.
Coming out of the restroom, she bit her lip as the staring gazes of her friends. They had never seen her so masculine before, if you can call a boy with painted nails, wearing a girly t-shirt and shoes masculine.
"Are you sure you have to do this, Luca?" Beccah asked, biting her lip with worry.
"No, but I think it'll help him talk to me more easily."
"Where are you going to go?"
Luca told them. The pair only grinned wide as they heard her plan.
Ronnie had been wandering Manhattan for the past few hours. He had made a few stops here and there to "pick up" some cash from some purses and wallets, even found himself a Blackberry he immediately erased and pawned off. By the time the two o' clock showing for Rent was approaching, he had a nice thick wad of cash in his pocket, and an even thicker wad buried in a nice little pouch he'd fashioned into his sneaker.
It was 1:30 when Ronnie was sliding into the door with the broken lock on the roof of the theater, a broken lock that may or may not have been his fault. Climbing out into the ceiling scaffolds, he slowly approached his usual spot, ears and eyes open for anyone that might be working up here. It wasn't until he got to the cross-section he usually sat on that he saw Luca. Except she looked more like he now.
"What are you doing here?" Ronnie said as he approached. Luca was sitting on the walkway with her legs dangling over the edge, leaning on part of the side railing.
Luca looked up at him, shrugging. "Watching a show. My best friend and I always wanted to see this one. I always regret never having gone with him to do so."
"Well maybe your best friend felt a little betrayed when you suddenly became a female," Ronnie said, somewhat defensively, even as he sat down next to Luca to watch the stage. Furres far below them were flooding into the theater. The pair were nicely hidden in the highest shadows, and would be even more so when the lights for the stage came on in front of them, blinding anyone that would give a scrutinizing glance their way.
"I was always a girl. Always felt it to be true," Luca said. "I just wish my best friend could understand that."
Ronnie didn't say anything for a while, and he let his head rest on the same beam Luca was leaning on. "Luca... I always loved you. As Luke, I mean. You killed my image of him."
"I'm sitting right here. Do I look enough like Luke now?"
Ronnie turned to Luca, then shook his head. "No, you don't. You look like a boy. An effeminate, gay boy, but a boy nonetheless. But I know you're not. I can see that in you now," he said with a defeated sigh. "I just... I wanted to share my heart with Luke. And I was going to come out to you."
Luca reached her hand out, gripping Ronnie's in her own. "I appreciate that you would turn to me first. It means a lot, really. But I have my demons too, Ronnie. I am only trying to reflect on the outside what I am inside."
"I know. I guess I'm just upset because I never even got a chance at tasting what it was like to have my own dreams come true. Not like you."
"Like me?" Luca laughed. "My own dad disowned me for weeks, the very same man who'd always held me as the light of his life, his only son. My own best friend tried to kill himself because I came out. My own track team tried to rape me, my own rabbi kicked me out of school, my boyfriend is a chick who left me on national fucking television. Dreams coming true? I have had only the lightest taste of those dreams and paid for them twenty-fold. And here you are, cursing the world, when you managed to run away from that abusive prick of a father of yours and right into the arms of a stallion who loves you so much. I would kill for that kind of luck, and here you are, stealing and drinking yourself to death."
Ronnie looked down at his lap. He could not bring himself to reply to that. There was too much truth in it all.
"Ronnie, I know you're hurting for Luke, but me being him is only going to be a falsehood. I mean look at me." He did, and Luca was holding her arms out, presenting herself. She did not look right like this. "I belong in those skirts and dresses. I belong in the world and body of a girl. I'm sorry Luke has to go away because of that, I am. So I'm begging you, please Ronnie, let him go. If you really care about me or Luke or whoever you think I am, let me be who I am. At least then I can say I died as the furre I was supposed to be, even if I don't die happy."
"Don't say that. You'll find happiness, Luca."
"It's a long way down the road, I think. But that's not the problem we're dealing with right now. It's you letting go of Luke."
Ronnie's eyes had been glistening up to this point, and now the tears were once again falling. His eyes burned with them, his cheeks were soaked by them. And god it felt good. He hugged Luca close, burying his face to her shoulder.
"I'm so sorry, Ronnie," Luca said, kissing his cheek as he finally pulled away. "Luke was a good guy, he just wasn't who I am."
"No, I'm the one that should be sorry. You're right about everything. I miss Ray so much, but I can't go back to his arms, not after all this."
"Ronnie, if he loves you as much as I think he does, he'll take you back in and help you as much as he can. Come on, let's head back up to the Bronx. He might be there right now thinking of you."
"Alright," Ronnie whispered. "But let's watch the show, first."
And so Luca and Ronnie watched the musical. They sat side-by-side, close as friends could be. They held hands through the sad parts, sang along loudly to the upbeat parts, and applauded wildly as the cast bowed for their audience.
Exiting the rooftop doorway, Luca and Ronnie were talking and laughing. The chill in the air was very noticeable now, and Luca was suddenly regretting her lack of a sweater. Just before they got to the edge of the roof where the fire escape was, they heard Beccah's voice from behind.
"Jeez, you guys just watch a show and then bolt like that? And here I thought you were my friend, Luca."
Luca whirled around. "Beccah, what the hell?" She said as she watched her and Harold striding up to them together.
"Hey, you can say you're going solo all you want, girl, but you're never gonna get rid of me," Beccah giggled, throwing Luca a duffel bag. "Now get decent, you look like shit in those clothes."
Luca looked into the duffel bag and saw a new set of clothes for her to put on that consisted of her favorite pink long-sleeve t-shirt, a cute baby blue sweater and matching sneakers, and a pair of jeans. One of her bras was also in there. She threw her arms around Beccah, giggling in kind. "You're the best," she said.
Once changed and stepping from the bathroom of a nearby Dunkin Donuts, Luca was grinning ear to ear. Ronnie and Harold were getting along fabulously, speaking of all the latest video games that were out or coming out. Call of Duty came up far too often for Luca's taste, but she figured she might understand more if she were a gamer.
Luckily enough, the conversation between the boys continued on throughout their train ride to the Bronx, leaving Luca and Beccah to review details of the show. Apparently, Beccah and Harold had been hiding in their own little spot up there in the rafters, having been watching the pair the entire time. It was when the applause broke out that they nearly lost Luca and Ronnie, and had come running out to stop them before they disembarked from the rooftop.
It was when the group was climbing the stairs to Ray's apartment that things got deathly quiet. They passed Ronnie's old place. The door was still marked up from the break-in. The super was too cheap to replace the door, so he simply screwed in a steel plate to cover where the shattered wood had once been and attached a doorknob and lock through that.
Once they got to Ray's apartment, a savory smell of stir-fry was wafting from underneath the door. Ronnie's stomach grumbled almost instinctively as he remembered just how good Ray's cooking had been. He hesitated, his hand having gone up to knock, but then pulling away. Beccah jumped forward and knocked with several hard, strong raps. Ronnie shot her a look.
"What? If you're going to be a pansy about it, I figured I'd take the honors."
Ronnie didn't have time to scold her. The door was flung open and there, standing in the doorway, was Ray.
"Ronnie?" he said. His voice made kind of a hoarse croaking sound. Ray looked almost like he couldn't quite comprehend what he was seeing.
"Yeah, it's me. Clean me," Ronnie said, giving a Cub Scouts salute, "scout's honor."
Nothing else was necessary to be said. Ray threw his arms around Ronnie and pulled him close, kissing the white lapine deeply.
Pulling away, Ray placed a hand on Ronnie's cheek. "I love you, baby."
Ronnie put a hand on Ray's and squeezed hard. "I love you too, Ray. I'm sorry I never let myself realize that before."
The others simply watched on in silence until the moment was over, smiling to each other. Inside her own heart, Luca watched with a desperate kind of longing. It had been just over a day since Zee hurt her so deeply, but it felt like an eternity had passed, and still the pain was so fresh.
Ray invited everyone in and apologized repeatedly for the messiness. The stir-fry he prepared was put away and stored for later, since it was a bachelor's portion at best. Food was ordered, drinks (non-alcoholic, of course) were poured for everyone. And for a few blissful hours, they were just a bunch of friends hanging out. The story of what happened to Ronnie had been gone over, glossing over the part about how his mother and Luca's father were apparently involved sexually, to which Luca was immensely grateful for Ronnie's discretion. It wasn't until Luca's mother called her, tears in her voice, that the party ended.
"We have to go," Luca announced, giving Beccah and Harold one of those glances that communicated there was something serious going on at home. Luca stuck the phone back in her pocket, mouthing the word "mom" to Ronnie. Ronnie understood, placing a hand on Ray's to stay his protests to their sudden departure.
Ray and Ronnie hugged the three goodbye. As Luca and Ronnie hugged, he whispered to her, "Keep me updated, Luca. Don't tell them where I am."
"I promise," Luca said, giving Ronnie's cheek a kiss.
It wasn't until they were on the train, well on their way to Queens, that the conversation started again.
"It was nice," Beccah had commented.
"What?" Harold replied, coming out of the dreamy state he was in, staring out the window at the dark tunnel whipping by.
"Being normal for a few hours."
"Yeah," Luca said, playing with her fingers. "I'm just glad Ronnie's ok. I just hope he doesn't relapse."
"I don't think so," Harold said. The girls looked at him. He looked at them, shrugging. "His face looks the way I feel when I am with Beccah," he explained, holding Beccah's hand tightly. "It's happiness. Pure, raw, happiness; the kind you don't want to go fucking up."
"You might be right," Luca said, smiling wanly at the pair.
"Do you think this is going to be bad?" Beccah asked, referring to the disaster they were heading home to face.
"Of course it is," Luca said. "But with friends like you, who the hell needs calm seas and blue skies, anyway?"
"Ya-har, man the tiller 'n hoist the main sail, me hearties. Another storm ho, and she looks like uh real bitch," Harold said in a pirate-like accent that was all too good. The two girls giggled. It felt good, laughing even as black skies loomed.