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Chapter 11 - Nature

-W-

Pride had swelled within me when I took my rest within Connor. Sorrow and dread filled me once he woke.

I was bombarded with emotions, stirring me from my rest, from my mediation. There was panic, there was grief, pain. My mind went on full alert.. What was happening to him? Another enemy? Danger? The emotions were crisp and harsh and overwhelming, but his thoughts were always vague to me. Glimpses of things, it was hard to glean helpful information. The small white furred animal, I think he was picturing it. There was no relief in it, no joy, just sadness.

Had I made a mistake? Did I not protect him from the small beast that had snuck into his bed? I did not understand.. All I knew was that he was once more being wracked with grief and fear. Fear? If the small beast was dead.. what was there to fear? I sensed nothing else with him, he seemed to be alone. No, not alone. I started getting other glimpses. A canine face, teeth, claws and fangs. Me. My human was starting to think about me.. mingled with his fears. He was afraid of me? There was something else there. I was getting clear glimpses of a silvery object, sharp like my claws but larger.

He was afraid of me. I wished to go out and comfort him again, to show him there was nothing to fear but his anger, his fear, he would have rejected my presence. I could feel him waiting for me to come out, his heart racing, like a predator waiting to pounce and kill it's prey. Only it was different, it felt like he was the prey.. backed into a corner ready to lash out. The looming realization hovered over me, clouding my thoughts. My human feared me, he didn't understand me, didn't know that I wanted only to protect him. All I could do was wait, wait and feel what he felt. It was dangerous to the both of us, for me to try and come out and fix things. I believe he intended to hurt me if I tried.

Time passed by, his emotions continued to rise and fall from sharp peaks to dull lows as hours passed. He left his house, going somewhere, to where I don't know. He brought the small animal with him, but he left it behind, feeling more loss the further he got away from it. The small beast.. it had been important to him and I had killed it. Eaten it. Why it was important I don't know, but it was. That was all that mattered. I needed to fix it. I wondered where he was.. so far from his home. I didn't know if there was more danger there, out in the unknown.

It was time. I had to come out.

He was walking when I began to emerge, as I peeled my hands from his, as I started to pull my head out from between his shoulders. He stopped suddenly, startled and frightened.. he fumbled and reached for something. The silvery object. I caught the glint of it in the light as he grabbed it in his hand, bringing it out from behind him. He was fast.. but I was faster. My arms didn't have to move far, barely an inch to grab his own. Large paw digits wrapped around his wrists, holding him still as he gripped the sharp thing, like it was keeping him alive. I pulled out of him, more and more. I stepped out of my human fully for the first time, connected only by my hands on his wrists, maybe in his wrists some.. our connection was tenuous.

If he wrenched himself free he could break the connection in a single moment. That I feared more than his weapon. Holding him tight I turned, stepped out on large paws and stared at him. I was so much larger than he was. The two of us were standing out among... trees. Yes.. woods. Forest. This was a good place. It felt more like a home than his own home did. My nose lifted instinctually to the breeze and took a few short sniffs. Nothing around, only the dead white furred beast a short distance behind him. We were alone. Now we would speak. He would speak, I would listen. Words were hard, I intended to learn.. but until then he needed to know my intentions. What I had done.. it was my nature.

"You killed her..." His voice came out small, full of sadness, barely a whisper.

My ears flattened like his words had hit me.. In a way they felt like they had. A low whine slipped from my throat, but he continued.

"I don't know what you are.. I don't know how all this is happening. I don't understand why. But you.. you can't just.. kill.." His voice rose but wavered as he started to scold me, to yell at me.

I held him firmly, perhaps harder than was needed but I couldn’t have him jerk away. Neither of us knew what would happen if we broke contact.. though I was under the impression he was ready to take that risk far more than I was.

"Do you speak?"

I shook my head and he sighed, "But you understand me.." He knew the answer, but I nodded slowly anyway, staring down on him.

"What do you want from me?... I don't know how to handle.. this. All of.. this. You come out of me whenever you please.. you murder my cat. Why? Were you just.. hungry?"

I hesitated.. What was worse sounding? Doing it to eat, or doing it to protect him. It had been a little bit of both.. but I slowly tipped my head to him, nodding.

Another long sigh, he sounded tired, he was tired, "Okay... okay that's a start. You can't. CAN'T." He raised his voice, "Kill. Not like that. I will bring you food if that is what it takes to make sure that never. EVER happens again.. do you understand?"

Once more I silently nodded my head. How I wished I could fully communicate what happened. Explain. Let him feel what I felt, the same way I could feel him when I was hidden away. He needed to feel my sorrow, my guilt, how much I wished I had not done what I had. It was too late to take back, I understood the finality of death. It was something that I knew even in my early stages, when there was just a whisper of my own thoughts. The thought of a beginning. And the thought of an end.

We stood there in silence for a moment, my human seemed at a loss for words, and I had nothing to give.. I just wanted to let him take control and lead the way.

He broke the silence, of course, "Can you let go of me now?.." A soft whine slipped out and I shook my head. "Please . I'll put the knife down.. just let go.."

My heart started thumping low in my chest and I had to shake my head again, flattening my ears back and staring at him pleadingly. How could I explain to him my fear? That I was afraid of what would happen if we broke that connection? He was starting to move and tug a bit, I could smell and feel the slight panic rising in him again, the panic of trapped prey.

How could I explain? I risked removing one paw from his wrist, leaving only a single point connecting us. My fur stood on end.. my skin tingled and goosebumped.. I felt a sickening feeling in my gut, but I powered through it. Raising the freed paw slowly to him I lowered myself, lowered enough so that I was practically kneeling before him, looking up at him in a submissive gesture. He needed to know I was not holding him to harm him, I was holding him like a lifeline. He stopped struggling, studying me for a moment. He had intelligent eyes, I only hoped he could see, he could understand.

"You won't let go..?" I shook my head sadly. "Are you.. unable to?"

I blinked, I wasn't sure.. No.. no I was sure, I could let go if I wanted, but it would take everything I had to force myself to. If he truly wished me to.. I would. I shook my head and he sighed softly, "Then what.. are you afraid to?"

Yes! He got it! I was elated.. We could move forward from here! I nodded my head vigorously and squeezed his hand. He loosened his grip on his silver blade.

"What are you afraid of?.. Would you die if you let go?.." That was the question.. I didn't know.

Was his life keeping me alive? Even if it wasn't, if I could exist separately from him, did I want to? That existence sounded empty and lonely. My head stayed still.. I had no answer for him.

Connor ran his hand through his messy hair, "Then.. what.. you live in me?.. I just try to go on with my normal life with a creature living inside of me?"

My ears flattened, a soft whimper slipped out as he spoke, was I a burden on him? "This is.. all way too much. I don't know how to handle this.. and mom and Sawyer and.. and.."

He was breathing heavily, panicking again. It was so unlike him, I knew him through his emotions. I knew how brave he was in whatever reckless things he did to always get his blood pumping, his heart racing, adrenaline flowing. But with this.. this wasn't the same, it wasn't fun to him.

I reached out, putting my large paw on his chest.. it practically covered his whole chest, hiding the strange picture on his garment.

He stopped and looked down at me, meeting my gaze again, "This would be a lot easier if you could talk.. You understand me at least. It's.. something. You disappear inside me.. are you uh.. aware?.. When you are in there?"

My lips parted in what I hoped was a smile, what I hoped wasn't scary to him and I nodded.

"Okay.. so can you hear me when you are in there?"

More hesitation from me.. this was more complicated than I could explain with a nod or a shake of my head. I shook my head slightly and tapped a digit at his chest, thumping him softly.

"What, you are in my chest?" I growled slightly in frustration, shaking my head.. before an idea popped in my head.

I start baring my teeth at him, making myself look angry. Before he could let fear creep in I switched, my tail flicking and wagging, my face relaxing. Then I switched again, lowering my ears, welling my eyes up at him sadly. He stared at me blankly. Once more, I switched my expression, or at least my gesture.. leaning in to nuzzle at him affectionately.

"O...kay.. Either you are hiding a split personality disorder that is going to make this shit ten times more complicated than it already is... or you are trying to tell me you can hear when I'm sad or happy or angry.. or what.. horny?" I wanted to lick his dumb face! He got it!

Mostly. I didn't hear his emotions, I felt them, and I didn't know what nonsense he was rambling about as I stared on blankly.. but he got it! A smile spread on his face, we were making progress.

"Okay, okay this is good.. you know when I'm feeling... things. Can you feel when I.. want you to come out?"

I thought about it, it was very much a feeling he had never had before.. but I had felt when he was afraid to have me come out. My head nodded eagerly, even if I wasn't entirely sure.

"Good.. good. Okay. Then right here, right now, you need to promise me that you will not. NOT. Come out unless I want you to.. okay? I can't have you coming out whenever you feel like.. what if I'm in a room full of people? What if I am driving?"

Slowly I gave his hand a squeeze and nodded to him solemnly, my sense of duty took his words to heart, even if I wasn't sure what driving was.

"Alright.. then we need to go home. I need you to.. uhh.. what, climb back inside me? God that sounds weird and fucked up. Go back in. So I can drive home and shower and then maybe we can talk again.. okay?"

My tail twitched behind me, it was wagging slowly again on its own.. he wanted to talk to me again. He didn't want to stick that silver blade in me. I stood up and started to step in close to him, he felt small next to my full size but when my feet melded with his, things seemed to slide and shrink and slowly line up. He stopped me as we were face to face.

"Wait.. if you can kinda hear me when you are in me.. can I hear you? You can't talk out here but.. can we when you are, you know, in me?"

I did not know.. but I was intensely eager to find out. With that I slipped back inside my quiet, dark home and felt him around me. My first attempt to call out to him, to reach out, seemed to get nothing back. I was saddened but not defeated, I was determined.