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Chapter 2

Snapping his eyes open, Jayden felt like he was being tugged out of a pleasant dream and thrown into fiery hell. Blinking blearily, the light took shape and he saw it was only the morning flooding into his room. He didn't care he was drowning in the daylight as he closed his eyes again, smiling as he nuzzled the bear below him.

The heat was only made bearable by the overwhelming calm that ran through him as he heard Francis' faint heartbeat pounding in his head. Furling his fingers in his pelt slowly he felt something impeding him and he looked down, his breath shallow and forced as his hand rest under the bear's waistband.

Francis' arm still rest Jayden's side, and his thumb lightly stroked his fur as he fidgeted in his sleep. The wolf looked down at his hand curiously, wondering if it had a mind of it's own as it pushed itself in further. First a centimeter, then half an inch, then inch, until his thumb rest on Francis' belt loop.

Feigning sleep, Jayden stroked the bear's tan fur with his thumb nervously, afraid that Francis would wake up. His heart was pounding like a hammer in his chest, and he was sure that it alone could pull Francis from his deep sleep, but he didn't move his hand as he stared at the blackness behind his eyelids.

Had they really stayed like this the whole night? God, did it feel so safe and warm. He could stay like this forever, comfortably lost in the colorless confines of his mind as long as he felt someone else lying beneath him.

What was wrong with him? They'd just started talking again last night and he already had his hand half way in his pants, not even bothering to debate just how wrong it was to do what he was doing. Francis hadn't even hinted that he liked him, but, if he didn't, why would they be sharing the same bed?

Damn assumptions, they were enough to drive him insane. What did Francis want? Well, obviously, this, because he was holding him close.

God, was it nice to feel loved for once, or at least like he had somewhere he belonged. Rolling his eyes under his eyelids, Jayden breathed out deeply, his warm breath making the bear wriggle beneath him. This wasn't love, just a mutual... interest, or something along those lines.

He needed to ask Francis. He needed to know, because he didn't want to live in assumptions and drive himself mad with another frustrating game of ping-pong. He loves me, he loves me not; it was enough to drive even a nun into a homicidal rampage.

What the hell was he thinking? He couldn't ask Francis, they'd just freaking met, and he was stupid for even thinking about proposing the idea, because who knew, maybe Francis had just been sleeping the whole night. Maybe he didn't know what was going on.

Massaging the fur that was finally in his grasp, Jayden's mind was drawn to his fingers. It wasn't even sexual, the feelings he felt, he just liked the warmth and the way it removed his worries as he felt the slight pulse beneath his fingers.

The beast below him stirred and removed the hand from it's comfortable perch on Jayden's side. Francis slowly moved his arm and went to rub his eyes, but Jayden refused to remove his hand. The wolf swore furiously in his head, telling the bear to just go back to sleep for a few more hours.

It quickly turned into an unnerving game of chicken as Jayden wondered just how long he could get away with what he was doing. The band of the silken boxers began to constrict around his fingers and he felt his blood pulsing through them.

Francis yawned, stretching both his arms behind his head, and Jayden swore in his head; now he'd have to wait for the bear to wake him up so it didn't look like he knew his hand was in his pants. Damn it, why was Francis lingering?

The bear nudged the side of Jayden's face lightly, and he forced his eyes tightly close, nudging back into Francis' chest. So far, so good. He was nudged again, and Jayden opened his eyes slowly, blinking several times before throwing a dazed look at his hand. Pulling his hand out slowly, he looked up at Francis with a faltering smile before sliding off of him to sit on the side of the bed, facing away from him.

"Sleep good?" Francis asked, unperturbed by Jayden's fingers being an inch from his groin.

"Yea, slept fine," Jayden grumbled, feeling the certainty instantly morph into confusion. He pushed himself off the bed and stumbled to his closet, extracting the first shirt that fell into his grasp, ignoring the name of the band he was advertising today. Glancing back at Francis as his head popped through the fabric, Jayden found him smiling brightly to himself. It really didn't bother him what Jayden had done?

"Can you pass me my phone?" Francis asked over the groan of the bed as the bear reached for his shirt on the chair. Jayden really needed to get a new mattress, or else his mother would get the wrong idea.

"Have to leave?" Jayden queried, passing him the battered cellphone. It hadn't dawned on him that Francis would probably have to leave in the morning, he'd hoped that could stay over again...

"I don't really have to," Francis grumbled to himself, rolling his eyes as the phone flipped open, "but I made plans today and it won't go over well if I don't keep them."

"Oh, promise a friend that you'd hang with them?"

"No," Francis said, dialing the number slowly and painfully as he walked toward the bedroom door, "I promised my fiancée that I'd go to lunch with her."

"Oh," Jayden managed, his voice feeble as his heart descended through his intestines. He didn't even have the mental capacity to yell at the small voice in his head. He hated Francis, he hated his fiancée, and he hated himself the most. The most he managed after that was an affirming nod.

"Yea," Francis continued, his finger pausing above the green send button as the number glared at Jayden, taunting him, and insulting him without even saying a word, "She really didn't want me coming over here, but I need some time away from her. It's getting insane, because if I'm away from her for more than five minutes, she starts freaking out."

"Ah," Jayden mumbled desolately, his throat drier than a desert as he kept trying to swallow, but was unable. Francis held up a finger to him as he walked into the hallway, telling him he'd be right back. Once Francis was safely out of sight, Jayden collapsed back onto the bed, springing several inches in the air as he pressed his fingers into his eyes.

Stupid, stupid, stupid. Jayden thrashed in his bed like he was deranged, before returning to the chanting of 'stupid' that so often filled his mind. There it was, the word that always ended his relationships, destroyed his memories and stopped his hopes. Girlfriend, fiancée, lover, beau, significant other.

Dropping his hands to his side, Jayden breathed deeply, the shallow scent of vanilla long since removed from his nostrils and his memories. No, no, he wasn't going to do it. He wasn't going to give up, he was done with giving up. There was still hope for him yet, Jayden thought as Francis' words bounded off the inside of his skull. He wasn't happy with his decision, he wasn't happy being engaged. Jayden still had a chance.

There had to be something wrong with him deep in his psyche for him to condone cheating, for him to try and get Francis to leave his fiancée.

No, Francis had told him he was confused again, and that started the fire. Jayden had fanned the flame several times and Francis didn't stop him, meaning he was just as curious as Jayden was.

The wolf's emerald eyes flew open beneath the fur of his hand as he heard his door close. Parting his fingers, he peeked at Francis who was pulling his sweatshirt over his head.

"Hey, do you mind if I leave my stuff here?" Francis asked, straightening the ruffles out of his clothing, "I can probably come back over here tonight, if you want."

"Yea," Jayden answered dully, throwing his arms out to try and heave himself off his back. Francis extended a hand and pulled Jayden up brusquely, like he weighed nothing, "awesome. That'd be cool."

"Nice," Francis said with a smirk, his eyes twinkling and Jayden felt his frustration melt away. Why was he so easily manipulated by a cute face? "Want to head downstairs with me? She should be here soon."

Jayden nodded indecisively, following the bear as he led him through the apartment door. It made perfect sense now; that's how Francis had gotten here last night, his fiancée. Why hadn't Jayden figured it out sooner? He'd dealt with these kinds of guys before, he should have known better. He should have seen it coming, but that pesky little voice...

Francis stepped into the elevator and Jayden stood beside him silently, staring at his bare feet on the filthy tile. The floor began to descend under them, and the wolf's knees buckled as a heavy weight dropped on his shoulders. He looked to his right to see Francis' arm draped around his shoulder and then he looked to his left to find those blue eyes staring at him. Francis sent a toothy grin his way as he dangled Jayden's house keys in front of his face.

"You may want these," he said.

"Oh, yea, thanks."

The small room rumbled and came to a stop as the doors opened, letting the confining air escape. He hated that Francis was leaving so soon, but right now, Jayden wanted nothing more than to blow the heads off a few thousand zombies.

The bear pushed through the automatic door and headed towards a silver SUV idling under the portico. Francis waved to him as he pulled open the car door and sat down, drawing a thin smile across Jayden's lips.

Slamming the car door shut with an echoing thud, Francis leaned over to kiss his fiancée as Jayden watched him through the tinted glass.

Fuck.

~

"I don't know, Paige, I really don't," Jayden sighed into his phone as it balanced between his ear and shoulder. The usual barrage of bullets rang through his room as he tried to take out his stress on the zombies, but something was different this time and he couldn't seem to stop caring.

He'd let Francis into his little safe zone and he'd tainted it just enough so that he was always on his mind. God, what was he thinking letting Francis slaughter zombies with him? They were moving much too fast. This game was so personal to Jayden, and as such it was a 'third date' kind of thing. But, what could he do now?

Now that Jayden had neglectfully broke the calm of the waters, he was stuck dealing with the tsunami it'd cause. Dammit.

Not paying attention to the screen, he fired one shot too many and hit a parked car, making his room descend into an uproar of alarms and hungry gurgles.

"Shit, hold on," Jayden groaned into the phone, letting it slide off his shoulder and down onto his lap. He didn't even get that satisfying thrill as the zombies came running at him anymore. Collapsing back with a sigh, he pushed the keyboard away from him and watched the screen flicker a bright red. Scratching his neck, he returned the phone to his ear, "sorry."

"I'm the one at work and on break, you know," she said, her voice muffled amidst her loud chewing. He knew he should be paying attention to Paige and nothing he did could dislodge that image of Francis and his fiancée from his mind.

"Yea, I know," Jayden grumbled as he unlocked the hinge on his chair and let it recline backwards. Massaging his eyes distractedly with his free hand, he clacked his teeth idly, "I'm just... kind of freaking out right now."

"You haven't even been alone for a day," Paige mumbled, her voice distant as she drank from her soda bottle. She ate the same thing every day at work; a grilled cheese with bacon and a Dr. Pepper, "you can't seriously be that needy."

"I've only been alone for a few hours," Jayden sighed as Paige gagged melodramatically on the other end of the line. The wolf just rolled his eyes at her lack of tact.

"Whoa, wait, so you're saying you had someone else over? Is that even possible or have you found a way to manipulate the space-time continuum so that I'm in two places at once?"

"Oh, shut up. It was Francis."

"The 'imma ditch you for the first piece of ass that comes my way' Francis?" Paige wondered aloud, despite the crowd around her on the other end.

"Err, yea, that one," Jayden breathed, staring at his computer screen as he began to rock back and forth in the chair. Jayden was the only one who seemed to like Francis, because Paige had continually insulted them both the last time Jayden had been friends with him.

He couldn't really blame her after what he did to Jayden, but Francis had changed, hadn't he? He seemed more able to admit that he was bisexual, and that was at least something Jayden could work with. Well, then there was the huge problem of him having a fiancée, but he didn't want to think about that right now.

"Didn't you already try this once with him?"

"Mmhmm," Jayden hummed, nestling the phone between his head and shoulder as he picked at his nails quietly. Here it comes; the reaming.

"And, how did it end last time?"

"The same way it's probably going to end this time," Jayden admitted. He didn't like the truth, but he wasn't afraid to admit it, because there was no use running away from it. What will be, will be, and he'd deal with things as they came. It's not like he had any self-esteem left to lose, "no offense, but why do you care anyway? You have nothing to lose from me being an idiot."

"I care because you're my best friends and I hate seeing you hurt," Paige stated strongly, her voice destroying the firm conviction he'd placed behind his own words.

"Sorry," Jayden relented, "I'm just tired of everyone assuming I'm stupid, even when it comes to things like my own damn life."

"You are stupid," Paige said, "but that's good, because you're willing to do things that everyone else would run away from."

"Thanks," Jayden mumbled, smiling to himself, "but if I get hurt this time, it's my own damn fault."

"So, what's the deal this time?" Paige asked and Jayden took a deep breath, trying to make himself believe the words that he had floating around his head.

"I don't know. I mean, I think he likes me, because we... ended up cuddling last night. He told me that he thinks he's bisexual, but, here's the kicker, he has a fiancée."

"Well, doesn't that sound familiar," Paige blurted and Jayden bashed his head against the stubborn back of his chair. There was no good way to say what he just said. He couldn't even convince himself in the slightest that something good would come out of this, but still he refused to give up. He didn't know what made him believe that he had a chance, but whatever it was, he refused to give up hope, "sorry, just ignore me, it's a really bad reflex."

"No need to apologize, because I know how much of a moron I sound like."

"If it's making you unhappy already, then why are you sticking to it? Why not just move on while you still have the chance?"

"I... err," Jayden stammered as he closed his eyes and rubbed his pounding head, "I don't really know, but - but it's kind of like finding a life raft while you're stranded in the middle of the ocean, or stumbling on an oasis when you're stuck in the desert. It's the only good thing around for miles, so you just don't want to leave and be thrown back into everything you were trying to avoid. In this case, it's me being lonely."

"I can understand that, Jayden," Paige said, a silence enveloped her as she walked outside of her work, "but going into a relationship expecting to get hurt isn't a relationship you want to get into. And, rationalizing it isn't going to change that."

Jayden bit into the words that Paige had just given him as she lit her cigarette. She was right. She usually was, but Jayden just couldn't give up, not after last night.

"I - I know, but, I don't know, after the way he held me last night... It's just, err, the way it made me feel. I haven't felt that happy in a long time, and - and if that means putting up with these crappy feelings just so I can feel happy every once in a while, I think it's worth it."

"Jayden," Paige sighed.

"I know, I know, I'm an idiot."

"No, it's not that. Just please be careful, I hate seeing you upset like this."

"Don't worry about it, it's my own doing."

"If you insist," she conceded, "I hate to run, but I have to suck down this cigarette and get back to work. Call me tonight if you need me."

"Alright," Jayden said, "Francis is supposed to come back over tonight, but I'll call you if he doesn't."

"Okay. Just try to keep your chin up."

"Mmhmm."

The line went dead and Jayden let his phone fall to the floor as he splayed himself out on the chair, staring at the empty ceiling. What kind of argument was that? Feeling like complete and utter shit now, just to feel good for five minutes later?

It was a warped and demented form of delayed gratification. Or an emotional form of Russian roulette; how am I going to feel today? It was stupid, but fulfilling at the same time, because when he did feel good, God, was it amazing. Like he didn't have a care in the world.

The sun was setting outside his window, throwing long shadows across his bedroom. Heaving himself off his chair, he opened the window slowly as the light summer breeze rustled the tree tops. The air was too heavy, it was suffocating him, making his skin crawl. Turning his back to the window, Jayden trudged on down the hall, trying his best to push away the exhaustion and regret.

It was no cooler on the porch, despite the impending thunderstorm. The sky bore down on him and the black clouds reflected his sullen mood, but he ignored it as tried to pull himself from the abyss. No use crying over spilled milk, or no use fighting what you can't control, or any of those other idioms. Through it all, though, he felt somewhat okay. At least, that's what he thought he believed.

Looking at the asphalt below him, his eyes lingered on the crumpled cigarette butt that still rest on the hood of the Neon. A sudden gust brushed by him and it fell to the ground, blowing all the ashes away with it. Jayden sighed as he leaned over the railing, the rain beginning to fall slowly above him.

The water was pleasantly warm as it washed over his hands, trickling down through his thick fur. The distant sky cracked open in a loud and vibrant explosion of light and Jayden smiled to himself briefly.

He had nothing to worry about, at least not yet. He was just vulnerable because he was alone. As time progressed, it would pass and he'd be better able to judge what was going on. He was just trying to cope. Just trying to cope...

Tracing his claw along the grains of wood, he let the smile fade away until he felt nothing. The Earth could wash away his sins, his fears and his sadness until he felt nothing. Paige spoke the truth about going into a relationship that would only cause pain, and Jayden knew that better than anyone. But, how much time did he really have left before he grew cold and bitter?

How long did he have until he couldn't even bare to walk outside, only to see the couples kiss and the lovers hold hands? It already stung enough that, throughout his years, he was the single one. The loner.

He had to try, because he couldn't let himself turn into that. It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. One of those old poets had said it, so it had to be true. Who was Jayden to refute it? He could only amend it, because he knew those words didn't make it hurt any less in the meantime.

A silver SUV crossed the parking lot and Jayden's eyes followed it leisurely as it pulled into the portico. Slipping away from the porch, Jayden closed the sliding glass door and wiped his hands on his shirt as he headed downstairs, this time remembering his keys. Jogging down the stairs, he cleared his mind just in time to open the door and spot Francis fuming as he walked away from the car.

His fiancée pulled away and Francis flexed his fingers compulsively, waiting for Jayden to let him in. A buzzing filled the foyer as the door pushed itself open and Francis walked past Jayden gruffly, jamming his finger into button that called the elevator. The wolf looked at him curiously before stepping into the elevator with him.

"Something wrong?" Jayden asked quietly as the door shut and they ascended.

"Tammy's being a bitch," Francis grumbled, "She didn't want me coming over here again."

"If it's going to cause problems, you can always come over some other da -"

"No, it's fine," Francis interrupted, stomping down the hallway with a sure foot, "because, frankly, I don't give a shit what she wants anymore."

Jayden unlocked the door and Francis disappeared down the hall without another word. Locking the door behind him, Jayden headed toward his bedroom, which was slightly ajar, a thin sliver of light cutting across the floorboards.

"Did something happen, or - oh," Jayden stammered as he opened his door, watching Francis struggle to pull his sweatshirt off. Wrenching it off, he threw it to the ground with a growl before falling back onto the bed. Was it wrong that Jayden was slightly elated by Francis' anger?

"Seriously, man, is everything alright?" The wolf asked, sitting down in his chair, leaning towards Francis so he could look up at his blue eyes. Francis looked up at him direly and Jayden cocked his head to the side, drawing a grin from the bear.

"Yea," Francis said, "sorry about that. I'm fine now."

"What happened?"

"Nothing, it's fine. It's not worth talking about it."

"You can talk to me, man. Believe me, it really does help."

Jayden stood up and sat beside him on the bed as they both leaned back on their hands. Francis' eyes darted across the black TV screen as he tried to come to an understanding about what he was thinking. If his family was anything like Jayden's, problems weren't normally talked about and everyone was expected to keep them to themselves.

"Just dealing with some... problems at the moment," Francis mumbled, his eyes drifting down to his stomach as he pulled himself into a sitting position. Jayden watched as the bear's ears twitched fitfully, unable to comprehend these strange things called emotions.

"Anything happen in particular that set you off?"

"No, not really. I mean, well, sort of. She just ignored me the whole time we were out, even when I tried to start a conversation. We only really talked when she was yelling at me on the way here because I didn't want to go back to her house. I mean, what's the point if she's just going to brush me off? I could be here and having fun."

Jayden smiled at those words, but only because Francis couldn't see him. It was nice to know that someone thought about him, especially Francis.

Fishing through his pants pocket, Francis pulled out his lighter and clicked it blankly, watching the flame stutter as the fan blew at them. His finger relented and the flame died out as he breathed in.

"I don't know, I guess I'm just unhappy and thinking about the choices I made. We fight all the time now and everything I do to try and make it better just ends up making it worse. I know she regrets it, too."

"What makes you think that?"

"I've never told anyone this," Francis chuckled mirthlessly, "but when I asked her to marry me, she just said, 'why?' That's it. Nothing else."

"Oh," Jayden mumbled, unsure of what to say. If someone turned him down like that, he'd be a complete wreck. Jayden couldn't think of anything to say to make Francis' fiancée's words less painful, so he just stared at the back of his head quietly.

"I've thought about calling it off," Francis sighed, his fingers twirling around each other to give him something to divert his mind to, "I don't know, sometimes I have so much crap going through my head it feels like the world is spinning around me and there's nothing I can do to slow it down."

"I get that feeling a lot," Jayden said, and the bear turned to him, their eyes locking for a long moment. He could see all the pain, confusion, and fear trapped behind his glassy stare, but there was nothing he could do about it. Nothing he could say to help release it, "so I tend to just kill things until I don't feel like such crap."

"Sounds like a good plan," Francis said, the despondency finally relenting it's grasp on him as he smiled, the twinkle in his eyes returning, "and thanks."

"Don't mention it," Jayden grinned, "so how 'bout we kill them zombies?"

"You can play if you want, but I think I'm just going to go to sleep. Sorry, I'm just kind of tired after the day I've had."

"Don't worry about it. I think I may go to bed, too."

"You don't have to just because I am," Francis replied in an undertone as he stood and stretched. His shirt pulled tightly across his chest and stomach, making Jayden pull off his hat in an attempt to distract himself.

"I'm actually pretty tired myself," Jayden lied, looking for any excuse he could to get back into the bed with Francis. He was doing a horrible job at hiding his true intention, but it didn't seem to deter Francis as he pulled off his shirt and let it drop into Jayden's chair.

The excited fluttering returned once more and Jayden walked to the light switch, his gaze never leaving the floor. Gaining the slightest ounce of courage, he turned to Francis as he undid his belt buckle, letting his jeans fall to the floor. Oh God dammit.

Francis crawled into bed, wearing only his black silken boxers. Jayden's heart dropped even lower and he felt his stomach seize up uncomfortably as he flipped the light off. Now enveloped in darkness, Jayden pulled off his shirt and tossed it on top of Francis', doing everything he could to ignore his neck's frenzied twitching.

Pulling off his shorts, he tossed them to the chair before standing awkwardly beside his locked door, wearing only his boxers. He felt sick to his stomach because of the nerves, and he tried to force the thoughts from his head. This was a bad idea, this was such a bad idea. He was going to do something stupid, he knew it. The little voice in his head would make sure of it. It would poke, and prod, and refuse to shut up until Jayden's hand was back in Francis' boxers. Or worse.

Crawling into his bed, he pulled the covers over his shoulders and faced away from Francis, afraid of the stirring in his groin. No, he wasn't going to do anything, no matter how good the voice made it sound. He wanted to make this relationship work, and sleeping with him was a sure way to end it.

It was scorching hot under the blanket and he felt his blood boil under his skin, but he felt so naked and so vulnerable without it. If he was smart, he'd get up and go sleep on the couch. The bed rattled as Francis rolled onto his side and Jayden squeezed his eyes tightly, almost hoping it was just a sick fantasy of his and he'd wake up. This was so wrong, this was so wrong, Francis was engaged.

Jayden felt a strong hand wrap around his waist, and it took everything he had in him not to yelp as he was pulled closer to Francis. He could hear his teeth grinding in the deep recesses of his mind and his heart hammered alongside it as his back came to rest on Francis' stomach.

The bear's hand rest across Jayden's stomach and his warm breath ran down his spine, making the wolf shutter in both excitement and fear. Oh God, Francis' hand was moving downward, ever so slowly, hovering an inch from his boxer's waistband. Down boy, down.

Francis became still and Jayden's breathing slowed as he once again began to smell the vanilla that his nostrils had forgotten. Everything seemed to fade out around him as the bear's nose brushed against his shoulder and Jayden smiled. This was the definite up side to his otherwise crappy day.

Francis' warm belly and soft fur rubbed against his back, and once again, he didn't have a care in the world. Not even the thundering storm outside his window mattered in the slightest.