FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

Chapter 2 of Painful Solitude

Please comment and rate, it makes me feel all cuddly inside. ^_^

(Apologies if Alex's speech is a little odd. Im trying to make him sound excitable...)

"Alex. I know how hard it is for you, but if you want to make it somewhere with these, you need to pay attention."

Evan did not look happy. They'd been sitting in Alex's kitchen since they had come home from school. Wednesdays were his tutoring days, when his friend (and genius) Evan would come over to help in all the lessons Alex was having trouble with. Namely math. Alex couldn't stand math. Today it was geometry. Something about some kind of theorem. Evan had been droning on about it for nearly an hour.

Despite what the others believed, Alex looked forward to his tutoring sessions with Evan. It was the time when he could vent about everything going on in life. The feline was practically his diary. But the tutor had made Alex promise to pay attention to the lessons before venting, which made it all the more difficult. Zane had offered many times to tutor Alex (because he had poor Zane convinced that Evan's teaching was incredibly boring, which wasn't completely true). As much as he would have loved to accept Zane's offer -the red-furred teen was much more than capable of teaching-, Alex didn't know if he would be able to keep his feelings completely in check being alone in the house with him for two hours. It was hard enough to do that every day. So he'd regretfully turned Zane down, making up a lie about how his mother demanded he keep Evan so that he would actually learn something instead of writing music....Or something like that.

The tutor pushed his glasses up as Alex finally looked up at him. He'd been using his math book as a pillow, leaning on the kitchen table lazily. Evan's emerald green eyes bore into him for a moment. Then, shaking his head, the tutor closed his math book and packed his books into his schoolbag. Alex was suddenly wide-awake, knowing what this meant.

"Before you even being," Evan stated. "I want you to recite the Pythagorean Theorem for me. Just so that I know you learned something."

Alex chewed on his pencil. "Um...A squared plus B squared equals C squared?"

"That's right. But do you have any idea what that means?"

"Something with triangles?"

Evan sighed. "Good enough. Now, what is it that is bothering you that has you so unusually distracted today?"

"It's Zane."

"I should have guessed..."

"Well, it's not really him, so much. Just...I asked him about how he and Kayla were doing yesterday, and he just kind of shrugged it off. And it just drives me crazy because I know they aren't happy. Why do they keep getting back together if they're both miserable? I mean, I know that he likes her, but...I don't know. It's just irritating, that's all."

"It's because you care for him," Evan said. "That's why it's so irritating to you. You don't like seeing your friend unhappy, even though he tries to hide it."

"He's not meant to be with her."

"Well, have you said anything to him about how you feel?"

Alex looked at Evan like he'd been hit by a car. "Are you crazy? Zane would probably freak out. He's not gay, Evan. I think that's a little obvious."

"Well, you never know. He could be bisexual, Alex. What's the worst that could happen?"

"For starters, let's see. He could freak out and tell me he never wants to see me again. Or he could freak out, tell me he never wants to see me again, run into the street and get hit by a car. Or he could freak out, tell me he never wants to see me again, run into the street and get hit by a car, while shouting something about how much he despises every fiber of my being. How's that sound?"

"You're over-exaggerating, Alex. If you really want him to stay close to you, just keep showing him how good of a friend you are. When he's hurting, let him know you're hurting, too. Show him you care. And if he does decide to end it with Kayla, jump on the chance and tell him how you feel. Face it. You're never going to feel better until you tell him."

"He doesn't know I'm gay. Besides, I've kept my feelings a secret this long. I'm sure I can keep it much longer."

Evan shook his head again, stood and pushed in his chair. "If you say so, Alex. You should probably get out there. Your band mates will be showing up soon, if they already haven't. I'll see you in school tomorrow, okay?"

Alex started to stuff his own supplies back into his schoolbag. His mother was never happy about coming home to a kitchen full of school supplies. He heard the sound of Evan opening the front door, and a faint voice before it closed.

"Oh. Hello, Evan."

Zane!

He jumped up from the table, leaving the remaining books on the table and his schoolbag on the chair. He'd have to apologize to his mother later. Rushing to the door, he tripped over his own shoes, which he quickly shoved on, then opened the door as Zane raised a fist to knock.

"Hey, Ax," Zane said with that small smile, using his old nickname. "Nice timing."

Leon was standing behind him, guitar case in hand. Zane had his bass bag strapped to his back. It was always funny to see the smallest band member carrying around the large instrument. The neck itself was almost longer than his arms. Oliver approached a few moments later, accompanied by Lauren, leaving Marcus to show up last. Though the weather was hot today, too, they didn't complain. Alex opened the garage door, allowing everyone to crowd inside, taking up their usual spots.

"So, how about that new student," Marcus said, sitting on his drummer's stool.

Zane scoffed. "Yeah, how about him. You haven't even seen him yet, Marcus. You haven't been to school since he started."

"I can take a few days off if I want," Marcus sneered.

"Yeah, until Roger finds out. What do you think he'll say?"

Roger was Marcus's older brother and caretaker. Their parents had been killed in an accident years ago, and Roger had taken over the parental responsibilities. Though, he was much cooler than any parent Alex had ever known. What parent let their child skip school when they just didn't feel like going? He was fairly cool about drinking too, as long as whoever was drinking wasn't driving (or a cop). If you were drinking, you were staying at Marcus's house for the night. That was Roger's rule.

"Roger's cool with it," Marcus replied with that cocky air both he and his brother possessed.

"Until the school calls and tells them you're flunking senior year less than a month into it. You need to be careful of these things, Marcus."

"Yeah. Coming from the one who got kicked out of a religious boarding school. Don't worry about me, Z, I'll be fine."

Zane shrugged. "Okay. I'm just trying to look out for you."

Without another word, they kicked up their band practice, Oliver breaking any further arguments with his keyboard solo. Lauren, who stayed in her chair near the open doors, sang along with the songs, bopping her head to the beat. She had made herself the unofficial manager, getting them gigs at local clubs, mainly through a family friend that owned a bar. But the entire time, Alex couldn't help noticing the far away look in Zane's eyes as he played. His claws were picking the strings, but the bass player didn't seem to be in the same world as everyone else. What could be bothering him at a time like this? He was supposed to be focusing on the band! Alex figured he could just ask after they had finished.

They played a few more songs that yesterday before finally succumbing to the heat. Everyone followed their routines, going their separate ways. Leon and Zane were last, always packing their things neatly into the instrument cases. Zane still seemed distracted, and Alex wondered if he could get the boy to talk.

"You guys doing anything?" Alex asked.

"I'm going to Mitchell's house," Leon answered. "He challenged me to a game of poker today, so I'm off to lose some money."

"Oh, okay. Good luck with that. How about you, Zaney?"

"Oh, huh?" Zane answered, snapping back to their world. "I'm sorry; did you just call me Zaney?"

"Yeah, sorry. I know you hate that. What are you going to do now?"

"Actually..." He appeared to be thinking. "I have some work I have to do, so I'll see you tomorrow in school, Ax."

He rushed off so fast, neither Alex nor Leon had time to respond. The remaining two exchanged confused looks. Leon picked up his guitar case, glancing at Alex.

"Um, I don't know what that was all about," the guitarist spoke in his calm tone. "I'll ask him about it later. Must be girl troubles. See you later, Alex."

Alex didn't sleep well that night. All he could think about was the way that Zane had shrugged him off at band practice. He couldn't help but wonder if it was something he did. But what? He hadn't done anything inappropriate that he could think of. Maybe he had sat a little closer to Zane than most people would when they were playing the racing game the day before. But he did that all the time. Surely that wasn't what was bugging Zane. When his alarm clock went off before school Thursday morning, Alex was already wide awake. He zipped through his morning routine, and then set off for the walk to school.

Lauren met up with him outside, and they headed down the sidewalk together. Leon's house was only two blocks away, so that was where they headed. Normally, both Leon and Zane would be waiting on the porch. But today it was only Leon. He walked to them, paws shoved in the pockets of his jeans.

"Zane left a little early," he informed. "I don't know what's bothering him. He hasn't really said much to me. Said he needed a little time to think for himself."

Alex frowned. Finding out what had been bugging him would have to wait until later. A sound came from across the street, Marcus's house, and a backpack flew out the front door. Marcus followed a moment later, as Roger stuck his head outside.

"You'd better get to school today," Roger lectured. "I'm not kidding. You've had two days off in a row. If I find out you're failing, I'll take your phone!"

Marcus sighed, scooping up his bag and walked to the others. Lauren was laughing while Leon tried to conceal his smile. Alex simply raised his eyebrows and shook his head.

"It's a good thing that Zane isn't here to see that," Alex smiled. "He would love to rub it in that he was right."

Marcus smirked. "Shut up, Ax. I would love to rub it in that I know something you don't want Zane to know."

Alex felt blood rush to his face as Leon looked at him. "Shut up, Marcus!"

"What don't you want him to know?" Leon asked and Alex found himself wondering when Leon had become so nosy.

"Nothing. It's nothing. Don't worry about it."

Lauren laughed again as they continued their way to school, Alex's refusal to answer made the guitarist even for curious. Leon let the subject go, and Alex was thankful for that. He didn't think he could bear to tell his best friend's cousin how he felt.

Alex didn't see Zane until second period History class. They sat next to each other, along with Marcus. Today, however, Zane didn't seem to be paying attention to much of anything. He didn't even greet Alex when he came into the room and took his seat. Instead, the short teen simply took his seat, pulled a book out of his schoolbag, and started to read. Although the look on his face said he was deeply absorbed in the book, Alex knew otherwise. He probably wasn't taking in whatever the book was saying.

"Hey, Z, what's up?" Alex asked.

Zane glanced up, slowly shaking his head. "Nothing. Just reading a book."

"Come on, Zane, I can tell when something is bugging you. Talk to me."

Zane continued to zone out despite Alex's attempts.

"Well...hello my love," Marcus said to Oliver, who had sat next to him. "Anywhere you want me to take you for your birthday next month?"

Oliver scowled, flashing Marcus a look. "I'd rather you didn't take me anywhere. Last year's birthday present scarred me for life."

Marcus laughed loudly "I thought you were into the whole cross-dressing thing."

"What on earth could possibly..."

"Shuddup and listen here!" Mr. Howell demanded, walking into the classroom and calling the class to order.

Looks like talking to Zane would have to wait. And it ended up waiting longer than Alex would have liked. He saw Zane again in P.E., Lunch, Art, and Study Hall, all of which Zane would not admit what was on his mind. When school was over, Zane made for the doors as quickly as possible, not bothering to wait for the others. When Alex saw this, he seized the opportunity and followed, chasing Zane up the sidewalks.

"Zane, wait!" he called, but his best friend continued walking. He frowned as he was forced to run, only slowing down when he was in step with Zane. "Hey, talk to me. What is bugging you? You're acting really weird."

Zane shook his head. "No, I'm not. I'm fine."

Alex stopped walking, his tone stern when he spoke. "Bullshit. You've been shunning the rest of us for two days now. Everything is not fine. Now, knock off your lying and tell me what the hell is bothering you. I'm your best friend."

Zane looked to his friend, the look on his face a mix of hurt and shame. He motioned for Alex to follow him and continued on his way. "Kayla and I broke up again yesterday."

Already? Wow, that was faster than I planned. Sorry, buddy. Good news for me, bad news for you.

Alex gave his friend a look of sympathy. "I'm sorry. Is that what it is?"

"Well, there's more. After she broke up with me, she said maybe we could try again another time. It's just...I'm tired of always trying again. Every time I think we're okay, it turns out to be otherwise...and..." He sighed, finally looking Alex in the eyes. "I know I'm not in love with her. To be completely honest, I don't even think we fit well together. We're too different. I don't know why I even got back with her as many times as I have. I just...don't know how to tell her any of this with out, well...pissing her off and making her hate my guts."

"Just be honest with her. Tell her how you feel in as nice a way as possible. You don't hate her, right?"

Zane shook his head. "No."

"So just explain to her the situation. Tell her that, as much as you cherish your friendship, you just don't think it will work as anymore than that. I mean, come on, how many times have you guys tried dating?"

"...Seven? Actually, I lost count."

Alex smiled. "She will understand. Trust me. Sometimes you just have to let people know how you feel, even if it's hard."

Zane nodded, knowing Alex was right. What he didn't know, however, was how much Alex wished he could take his own advice.