FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

That’s four.

The car speeds away. The guys inside are laughing even though their water balloon missed me by about three feet.

There’s something scrawled on the latex, but the acrid scent of its contents doesn’t exactly encourage me to get closer. It’s probably some frat name. Either that or some randomly assigned curse.

I sigh, why are people like that accepted here? What does it matter why anyways? It’s not like I can do anything about it. They’re gone and the dorm is close by. It’s best just to forget about them. Drunk jackals that they are.

The dorm’s just on the other side of the soccer field. And no one’s having sex on it tonight! Thank God. I can actually cut across it tonight instead of having to walk all the way around the frozen grass. The wind picks up and ruffles my hair, forcing it up in small tufts. It carries with it the scent of Hal’s baking. The warm breath of chocolate brownies exiting the oven fills the air. What is he cooking for? Probably some bake sale across campus supporting African children.

Something swoops over my head. I look up in time to see Ronnie land in her tree. She’s some sort of hawk. No idea what type she is. I really should google that dichotomous key thing we were talking about in class today. Her nests just above the bench, so it shouldn’t be hard to –Jake!

Damnit. I was supposed to call him.

My phone’s buzzing as I rip it from my pocket.

“Did you forget about me?” Jake feigns being hurt.

“No. No, I just –can you hold on a second?”

He says something as I pull my earbuds from my pocket and jam them into the jack.

“Hey. Is it working?” I say into the earbud’s mic.

Jake laughs, “Don’t trust them yet?”

“Sorry,” I mumble, a little unsure what I’m apology for. Probably for the fact that I’m taking my call with him outside rather than in my room. Jake didn’t like that I’d moved outside for these the last few times. He said I was worried the rest of the dorm would think he was my boyfriend. Well, he’s right about that. That’s exactly why I talk to him out here. My roommate told the rest of the hall I was gay about a month ago, and I am still trying to downplay the veracity of that ‘rumor’ any way I can. There’s no way having hour long conversations with a guy up in Portland helped me do that.

“Everything okay?”

“Yeah, I just got distracted is all. Forgot what time it was.”

“You were looking at Mira again, weren’t you?”

I reach the bench and curl up against one of its arms.

“You know me too well.”

I rest my phone on my lap and look up through the empty branches to stare at Mira –the only star visible through the city’s pollution.

“Uh-huh.”

“I got that new Gold book,” I say, hoping to divert his attention.

“You’re really getting into that, aren’t you?”

Jake follows the conversation, but he isn’t going to let it go. I can see him at his desk up in Portland scribbling a note: Find out what’s bothering Kory.

“Yeah, I guess.”

“This one have a lot of sex too?”

“Yeah, but I’m not into that stuff.”

“Oh, sure,” Jake’s probably leaning back, twirling a pencil in his hand as he smiles a slight fox grin and rolls his eyes. “Then why do you read this ‘gay-furry-erotica?’”

“I like the characters.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Like you’re one to talk. Come on, what’s the last thing you’ve read?”

Jake’s laughter is broken by the occasional snort. He’s in no state to answer me. Clearly, I’m right about the nature of his latest fanfiction.

“They feel real to me,” I continue. “And besides, I can lose myself in the writing.”

There’s a scratching cough on the line, Jake’s wiping tears from his eyes, “That’s not much of an excuse.”

I shrug, even though he’s hundreds of miles away, “Maybe, but I mean I could say the same about your Star Wars fics, and the ‘gay-furry-erotica’ as you call it works better than anything else I’ve read as far as escapism’s concerned.”

Jake pauses before asking, “Think you’ll be getting a suit?”

“Nah. I can’t afford one.”

“So you’ve looked?”

“Not really,” I say. “I don’t like them.”

The few hours I spent browsing forums about the fursuits were interesting. A few looked cool, but none of them really seemed like me and could not picture myself being inside one of them. They seem hot, uncomfortable, and a little claustrophobic, and just generally like something I would not enjoy doing. There’s nothing wrong with them, but they just aren’t me.

“Really? So you can judge furries, but I can’t?”

“It’s not that,” I complain. “It’s,” Damn, how can I explain this? I snap my fingers, “It’s like football. You like to watch it, right?”

“Yeah.”

“And you like to read about it and everything, but do you strap on pads each Sunday?”

“No.”

“Well, that’s what being a furry is to me. The fandom’s like football and the fursuits are like playing. I can see why people love it and I enjoy watching people do it, but the suits just aren’t for me. I enjoy watching, learning, reading, and discussing, and everything in between but the physical act of participating is not an aspect of it for me.”

His light chuckle trickles through the line, “Alright, I’ll give you this one.”

“You’ll give this to me?” I laugh. “No, to Hell with that. I earned this one. I’m taking it.”

Jake’s probably rolling his eyes at me.

“You know, there are more of us then you think,” I say.

“Really?”

“Yeah. You know Kate? She’s one of the one’s I carpool with to Hamilton.”

“Oh! Her. The clueless one,” he groans a little as he says that, but his voice bounces back to normal almost as quickly as it fell, “How is the internship, by the way?”

“Let me finish the story,” I complain.

“Fine. But I want to hear all about Hamilton High after.”

“Deal,” I was going to tell him about my students after this anyway. Maybe he will forget about his little note about me.

“So, what happened with Kate? Did she mishear you again?”

“Let me tell you.”

“If you’d tell the story,” Jake grumbles.

“We were talking about what our intro questions would be. Those are the ones you ask on the first day to get the kids to open up,” I explain. “Like, if you could a fire breathing dragon or an ice breathing dragon, which would you be.”

“Ice.”

“Right,” I smile. “And others like that. So, anyway, I say my first question will be ‘If you could turn your best friend into an animal for a day, what would it be?’ And before anyone says anything, Kate’s laughing. At first I think it’s at me or something, but –”

“She’s a furry.”

“Yep. Well,” Ronnie flies from her perch and crosses in front of Mira for a moment. Then she disappears in the night. “She, umm, she doesn’t know she is.”

“What’s that mean?”

“Can I finish the story?” I groan, a smile still spread across my face.

“Hey. I’m not the one trailing off looking at a star.”

“Anyway,” I continue, “She says she had a similar question in mind, but –”

“Do I want to know?” Jake asks.

“She was going to ask which animal you’d turn your boyfriend or girlfriend into.”

“Wait, what? Hold on,” Jake can’t believe it, “Do you think she meant you’d sleep with them too after the transformation?”

“I don’t know,” I say, “but stop interrupting. I’m not to the good part yet.”

“Dear Lord.”

“I said fox.”

“Of course you would.”

“What’d I say?”

“Sheesh. Sorry,” he plays hurt again.

“Anyway, Kate laughs. She was going to say fox too, and you’ll never guess why.”

“Robin Hood?”

“Robin Hood,” I confirm. “But it gets better. Someone else in the car –Penny, I don’t think I’ve told you about her before –says, ‘Yeah, if he looked like that fox, I’d bang him.’”

“No.”

“I agree with them. But they say, ‘you mean the girl fox? What’s her name?’”

“Lady Vivian,” Jake answers.

“Yep, that’s what I say too, but then I add, ‘No, I mean I’d date Robin.’”

I raise my voice to mimic Kate’s, “No, that’s not it.”

“Wow,” Jake whistles. “Right over their heads.”

“It gets worse.” I pause, allowing Jake to take a deep breath. I know him well enough to know he won’t be able to breath in a moment. “Robbie –he’s another tutor –asks if I’d really date Vivian. I say no. I’d date Robin Hood. Penny says, ‘I still don’t think that’s her name.’

“’I think you mean Lady Vixen,’ Kate said.

“’No, guys, I’m gay. I’d date Robin Hood.’”

Jake’s laughing. His snorting sobs break through the line.

“’Nooo. That’s what a female fox is called.’”

Thud.

“Jake?”

His laughter’s still pouring through the line, but it sounds faint. He fell out of his chair. That’s the reaction I was looking for, I guess.

“I… can’t… breathe…” Jake chokes out the words.

I join his laughter, and when he’s done, Jake takes a deep breath.

“How many does this bring the count to?” He asks.

“Twenty-seven,” I shake my head.

“Twenty-seven!” Jake half shouts, half bursts out laughing. “You’ve told her twenty-seven times that you’re gay?”

I sigh, it really has been that many hasn’t it? “Yep.”

“She’s that clueless?”

“Yep.”

“And what is it she wants to do again? High school counselor, right?”

“Yep.”

“Damn,” there’s a pause. “I feel sorry for those kids.”

“She’s actually pretty good with them,” I say.

“Really?”

“Yeah, I mean she may not hear them confess their sexuality to her, but she’ll remember all their names, their best friend’s name, if they have parents and what they do, and everything in between. But me, I have to make flashcards to even match names to faces.”

“You’ll get better at it,” Jake assures.

“Maybe, but it’s just another thing I have to study. Oh, and speaking of which,” I leave the sentence to hang there.

Jake groans, “Please don’t bring up Latin.”

“You can’t avoid it forever, you know.”

“But I can push it off!” I bet Jake’s sitting up straighter as he says that, his eyes as bright as his smile. “We need to talk about Hamilton High.”

We end up chatting for another hour. I talk about my students, then he tells me about his Latin work. He ends that topic by complaining how lucky I am to not need a foreign language. I can’t do anything but agree to that. There’s a slight silence after this. Jake’s the one to break it this time, “Hey, so you still do that thing where you count all the bad things?”

I nod to myself, guess he didn’t forget his note after all, “Today was four.”

Jake scolds me for focusing on the bad. While he’s talking though, I can’t help but smile. I haven’t told him I’m counting the good too. I should tell him, shouldn’t I? He’d like to know I’m staying positive. He finishes berating me.

“Hal got me to count the good stuff last week,” I laugh.

“Hal did?”

Shit. I’m not off the hook yet. Why’d I say Hal? I could have just told him that I started counting the good things. Damnit.

Jake switches his questions to being about Hal. I never should’ve told him Hal is cute. Jake’s been shipping us as a couple ever since then, even though Hal’s got a girlfriend.

“What’s Hal up to on a night like this?” He asks.

“He’s baking. I can’t remember what for though. I think something with African children.”

Jake laughs.

“What?” I ask.

“Ten bucks says his girlfriend dumped him.”

“No. There’s a bake sale going on or something.”

“Did he say which one it was for?” Jake asks.

“I didn’t ask.”

“So,” Jake trails off. If he didn’t before, he’s definitely got that fox grin on now.

“I’m not betting,” I say.

“Yeah, you’re right,” he sighs, “It would be wrong for me to take your money.”

“Has that ever worked?” I ask.

“Once, yeah.”

I shake my head as he tells me about the time he bet his roommate ten dollars the Dallas Cowboys did not play in Dallas.

“You shouldn’t make bets like that with him. Do they even have American Football over there?”

“I don’t think so. But, that just means it’s his own fault for making a bet about a sport he’s never heard of before.”

Alright, I have to give him that one.

“But that’s beside the point. You need to go in there and ask out Hal.”

“He has a girlfriend,” I remind him. Why is that so hard to understand? It doesn’t matter that I have a small, minuscule crush on him. He isn’t gay.

“Ten bucks says he doesn’t.”

“Let’s say I do take this bet of yours –which I’m not,” I emphasize. “When would you even get the chance to give me the money?”

“Nice that you’re assuming you’d win,” Jake laughs. “But when is the next break anyways?”

“I have this Friday and Monday off,” I say. “But I think the next time we’ll be able to meet up is over the summer.”

“Why do you have off?” He asks.

“Bear-week. It’s like shark-week, but with bears. And it’s only over the weekend. But…”

“That’s ridiculous,” he complains.

“Well, I mean, yeah,” can’t argue with him on that. “But, didn’t you get a week off last semester for Halloween?”

“It was for the fall holidays! Not just Halloween,” he grumbles.

“Yeah, yeah,” I say, rolling my eyes, “but you can’t complain about bear-week then.”

Jake’s response is interrupted by something in the background.

“Is it about to start?” I ask. Jake’s dorm is going to ‘raid’ their neighboring building. Whatever that means.

“Yeah,” Jake says.

“You going to join them?” I ask.

“I don’t know. I heard Sue’s going to watch it from the parking garage.”

“Then what are you waiting for?” I shout, maybe a little too loud for someone sitting alone outside at Eleven PM.

Jake laughs, “Alright. Talk to you soon?”

“Yeah,” I smile. “You’ll have to tell me how it goes.”

“Will do,” he laughs again. “And ask out Hal.”

“He’s got a girlfriend.”

“Alright, alright. I’m sure he does,” Jake drags out the ‘sure’ long enough that it’s clear he’s not sure at all.

“Goodbye.”

Jake laughs and I can’t help but join him, “Talk to you soon.”

And that’s fifteen.

I stand. Today was a good day.

No one’s at the front desk when I enter the dorm. The RA put up the sign saying ‘Be back soon!’ with a picture of a bear waving on it.

Hal yelps from the kitchen.

He’s whipping his hand in the air, his eyes wide, and his ears scarlet.

“You okay?” I call.

Hal nods, making a point not to look at me, his eyes fixed on the dark green walls.

“Just burned myself,” he mumbles.

“Aw, man. You okay?”

A small patch of skin along the outside of his thumb is red, though it’s not nearly as bright as his ears.

Hal nods again, still looking around the small kitchen.

“Let me help you,” I say, already at the sink. I wet a handful of paper towels and press them against Hal’s hand. He winces and gasps.

“Baby,” I roll my eyes at him and smile.

He whimpers through grit teeth, but he’s faking. His blue eyes sparkle beneath his glasses.

“So…” I probably shouldn’t be staring into his eyes like this. I force myself to look away toward the tray of cookies he burned himself on. There’s two Tupperware boxes filled with brownies beside it. “Who are you cooking for this time? Children in Africa or the homeless?”

“Umm,” Hal gestures toward the chairs by the kitchen counter. “Neither. This is for myself. I guess.”

“Oh?” No. Jake can’t be right.

He sighs, “It relaxes me.”

“Want to talk about it?” I ask.

Jake is not right. He isn’t. But, we are pretty close to each other. His knee brushes against mine under the small table. Yes! That’s it. He’s not into me or anything. It’s just a small table. That’s why our knees are together.

Why does that make me a little sad?

“You don’t really want to stay up with me, do you?” he asks.

“Eh,” I shrug. “I’ll do it for a cookie.”

Wait. Should I be flirting? No, right?

Hal hesitates.

“We’re friends,” I add. “Of course I want to stay and talk.”

Hal’s face falls and his eyes drop to the counter.

Damnit. I thought that was good. I mean it wasn’t great, but –

“We are, aren’t we?” Hal says. “That’s it, right?”

Wait? What? No! Jake can’t be right. Hal has a girlfriend.

“What’s wrong?” I push those thoughts from my head. It does not matter –it shouldn’t matter. If Hal’s hurt, or having a bad day, or something then I should be here for him as a friend. Thinking about if he likes me or not doesn’t help anything.

“Lacy and I broke up.”

“Oh,” I whisper. Oh! “What happened? I mean if,” crap! I shouldn’t have asked that. “I mean if I can ask.”

“No, it’s,” Hal sighs. He glances to his burned hand. “It’s fine. You should know.”

Wait? Why should I know? I mean, we’re friends, but why me?

“We were eating dinner with some of Lacy’s friends,” he continues, not noticing my perplexed expression. “One of them, Penny, started talking about,” he stops talking again.

“About what?” I place a hand on his arm.

“You,” he shakes his head.

My hand goes cold.

“It wasn’t anything new,” he says. “Just the usual gay-furry crap.”

I pull my hand back. He glances toward it. Is that disappointment? Is he disappointed in me? Does he wish I’m not a furry? Or gay? Or is he upset I pulled my hand back?

It has to be that, right? Hal said it didn’t matter. My being a ‘gay-furry’ didn’t change the things we had in common. But now that he and Lacy broke up because of me –no, I can’t think like that. They did not break up because of me.

“I told them to drop it.”

“Thank you,” my voice sounds distant.

Hal shakes his head, “When we got back, Lacy asked me why I stood up for you. She said there was no reason to stand up for a fa—” his ears are red again, “sorry.”

My hand is back on his arm before I can think; my thumb brushes small circles.

“It’s okay,” I say, not entirely certain what I’m saying is ‘okay.’ Maybe that it’s okay to feel uncomfortable with all this? Hell, I know I am. I’ve never even kissed a guy yet here I am with my hand on Hal like I’ve done this a thousand times.

Hal forces himself to smile and take a breath, “She said there was no reason to defend a –an f-word –unless I was one myself. When I wouldn’t agree to stop hanging out with you, she said it was because I was gay too. She said we were,” his voice catches.

What am I supposed to say? What would Jake say?

“Lacy’s a bitch,” I grimace a little as I say it, that was the wrong thing to say.

Hal smiles, “Yeah.”

Holy crap! What do I say next? Still just whatever Jake would?

“And, you know, being a good person doesn’t mean you’re gay,” I say. “In fact, plenty of us are jerks too.”

Hal doesn’t say anything.

“Listen, it doesn’t matter what she said,” I continue. “You are who you are. Whether that’s straight or gay doesn’t matter.”

“But what if I am?” Hal asks. His voice is soft and uncertain, like he’s speaking a secret he’s unsure of himself. Could he be gay?

Maybe. He grew up in a small, deeply conservative town after all. Hell, I might be the first gay person he’s met.

“Then you’ll be gay!” I wrap my other arm around his shoulder, half-turning him so he’s fully looking at me, “We’ll have a big party and I’ll induct you into our secret society, and it’ll be a loads of fun.”

Hal smiles, but it’s only for my benefit.

“I’m serious.”

I sigh, “Harold Benson, are you one of those homosexuals?”

“Kory.” But his fake smile’s broken into a full one, so I’m doing okay.

“Alright, alright. So, are you gay?”

“Lacy said I’m gay for you.”

“Are you?”

“No. I’m straight. We’re just friends.” Hal doesn’t sound convinced himself. “We’re just friends. I’m, I’m not gay. Right?”

“Well, there’s one way to find out.”

What! No! What the hell was that? What the Hell was I—

“Really?”

I nod.

No! No, no, no. Bad idea! He’s going to freak. Why can’t I just shut up?

Hal glances to the front desk. It’s still empty, “Okay.”

Okay?

Okay!

He said okay! My heart pounds in my chest. Holy Christ, he said okay!

I lean forward. Hal follows my lead. Our lips press together. I feel the warmth of his tongue against mine, my hand slides up along his chest, cursing the cotton that separates us.

We separate. I’m panting. Am I panting? I can’t tell. My heart’s beating like a drum. We just kissed. Jesus Christ! We just kissed! Did he like it? Oh God, what if he’s not gay? The blood strains against itself in my chest. Part of it wants to rush to my face, but the rest wants to rush elsewhere.

Hal adjusts himself. I breathe a sigh of relief. So, he is gay.

His beautiful lips are pulled into a smile and his eyes shine like all the stars in the world. His eyebrows are scrunched together in thought, and I can almost see the gears turning beneath those black bangs of his, but he isn’t saying anything.

The seconds drag on. Maybe only three pass, but each stretch into an hour –an eternity of anticipation and humiliation.

Why isn’t he saying anything? Maybe he wasn’t adjusting himself, not that way at least, maybe he just felt uncomfortable about having kissed me. I mean, I know I felt weird after kissing a girl back in high school. It felt wrong, or no, not wrong, but certainly not right. Not like just now. It had been nothing like with Hal. But he hadn’t felt the same.

Jake’s wrong. Shit. Jake was wrong.

“I,” I pull my hand from him.

Hal’s chest follows, his warm lips press against mine.

I freeze.

Jake’s right!

Hal pulls away. His confused look only gets worse when he sees me grinning like the sun in one of those crappy Saturday-morning cartoons.

“Kory,” he begins, “I think I’m gay.”

My grin rips into a full smile, “No shit.”

“What does this mean?” He asks, “What do I do now?”

I laugh. How should I know?

Hell, acting like Jake’s worked so far, “You could take me to a movie tomorrow night.”

Hal smiles, but lowers his eyes from me.

Give him a moment. He’s thinking it over. He wants to say yes. He really wants to say yes by the look of his pants.

“Could we watch something here?” He asks.

“Sure,” I shrug.

Hal coughs and pulls from me. The RA opens the door with a slam of his palm on the glass. The smell of cheap pot blows in with him. Come on man! Why couldn’t he have smoked another joint?

Hal stands. His cheeks flush red and he drops to the countertop so he’s leaning forward on his elbows.

That makes up for the RA coming back in. Well, not quite, but it helps a little. Hal tries to distract me by pointing to the still visibly warm deserts, “The cookies look cool enough.”

I turn toward them completely so he can half walk, half slide along the counter.

Hal stumbles through the kitchen as he tries to hide his excitement from me. He turns off the oven and starts scooping the cookies into a bag. He sets one aside then throws everything else in his cooking box.

“See you tomorrow,” he says, holding the box at crotch level.

I can’t help myself but smile. Should I roll my eyes at him and say something clever and sexy. Something like, ‘need help with that package?’ No. No, I can’t do that. For starters there’s the RA, and who am I kidding? It’s not like I could actually say that if he weren’t there either.

“I’ll text you,” I say.

Hal’s smile doesn’t leave his face as he heads to his room.

“Done already?” The RA asks.

“Yeah, I don’t think I need to bake anymore.”

“Bake sale’s canceled, huh?”

“Something like that, yeah.”

I’m left smiling like an idiot. Jake was right. Hal broke up with Lacy. And he’s gay. And we’d kissed! I can’t believe it. We’d kissed.

I pull out my phone and send Jake a text: Glad I didn’t take the bet.

I pick up the cookie and head outside to wait for his call. The RA waves at me with a lazy flick of his hand as I pass, “Good luck,” he calls.

“Don’t need it.”

My phone’s buzzing as the door closes behind me.

“Tell me everything.”