FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

Morning soon broke as the smell of dying embers hit their nostrils along with the rest of the awakening creatures both great and small. Sam yawned with a slight crack of the neck whilst Max hopped straight out from the driver's seat with a boing to stomp on the charred wood pile.

"SALAAAAAAM ALAYKUM!"

"WHUH-AAAGH WHUH-...awww fuck it's just you." Jeremy untangled himself from the bedsheets. "Nnnnrrrrraaaaah...not a bad sleep eh Odd?"

"I slept good yes," replied the raptor scratching his chest, "we should eat something before we go."

"Good idea, I'll start thuh fire up again to roast up sum meat."

"OOOH can I come with ya?!" cried the rabbit. "I miss the fresh taste of blood and viscerae!"

"You are a hunter?" asked Odd.

"It's not the legal term but yeah, sure why not?!"

"Oh, okay, let us get some food."

"Now be careful Max," said the dog setting up the fire again, "don't go wandering TOO far off and uh Oddie, keep him close."

"Okay Sam."

The raptor and rabbit headed off to find some unsuspecting creature to feast upon. The wilds were fresh with the sounds of warbling beasts and the splashing of watering pools dotted across the great savannah. Keeping his senses heightened, Oddclaw stalked for the closest animal to make an acceptable meal as they wandered around the area through the long grass.

"Yanno I envy ya Odd," said Max, "you get to walk around naked an' nobody says a thing, you get to kill and eat anythin' ya want out here!"

"But you are always naked too," said Oddclaw.

"Yeah but I got FUR on, if I took this off people would be runnin' fer the hills, they even wiped my inauguration from televised history cuz of that! But YOU get to waltz around free as the breeze, it must be so nice to not be judged."

"I do not like clothes either. When I am with the humen I have to wear clothes."

"I noticed, what gives?!" said the rabbit swinging arms out in protest.

"Because I respect them," replied Odd bending down to sniff at a scent, "when I am in their base, I follow their rules."

"Why?! Yer a dinosaur, you shouldn't give a damn!"

"I am an ambass-sidor." The raptor stood up with a hand of pride on his chest. "I have to keep peace between the raptors and the humen, and I respect their rules when I am with their tribe. But they respect MY rules when they are with MY tribe."

"Ooooh so that means they all get naked?!"

"No, but I get naked."

"Nice."

Max offered his hand with palm facing upwards as Oddclaw slowly remembered how to perform a high-five with a hearty slap.

"What do you do at home?" he asked the rabbit.

"Ehhh shoot up sum bad guys, swirly the head of the FBI, commit destruction on a national scale, nuthin' GREAT."

"Sam said you were the...preh-zih-dent. You are a leader?"

"Oh yeah, I'm the leader of the United States back in my world and running on my second term!"

"I am impressed!" barked Odd as the two climbed onto a stone to scout the scene. "How did you become leader?"

"I saved the city of Washington DC from a rampaging killer robot of Abraham Lincoln! Sam helped too."

"A row-bot!? You killed a row-bot too?!"

"Yeah like tons of 'em!"

"I have killed many too! You must be very strong, I remember you ripped out all of that human's teeth!"

"Ohohoho stop yer making me blush!" The rabbit clasped his cheeks with a brimming smile and a dainty foot twisting in the rock. "SO, what's the biggest thing you ever killed?!"

"It was a row-bot," replied Oddclaw sitting on the stone.

"No but like, LIVING, like with blood and guts an' stuff!"

"I...hmmmm...the Suneater, but I did not kill him."

"Ooooh the Suneater!?" Max bounced down on his rump and turned towards Oddie. "Does he eat like the first-born of every family?!"

"He is a BIG flyer, wings big enough to kap-tchoor the sun, I fought him in the Skylands and I broke his wing."

"AWESOME, did ya make him suffer by stomping on his family eggs, twist his beak, skin his wing off into a nice cloak fer yourself?!"

"No, I did not!"

"Why not?!"

"He was not my enemy. We became friends, and I helped him by bringing the humen to fix his wing."

"What?! Aw come on you can't be some kinda HIPPIE, whatcha do that for, why didntcha let him SUFFER?!"

"My tribe do not allow those we kill to suffer," said the raptor looking off towards the distance as he scanned the horizon. "We kill our prey fast and quiet, so not to warn their tribe but also so we bring food back when it's fresh."

"Oh." The rabbit jammed a finger in his teeth in contemplation. "So killing's all about gettin' food with you guys?"

"And protecting our tribe yes."

"Well, I guess that ain't bad, kinda boring though that you gotta keep 'em quiet, I wanna hear 'em SCREAAAAM for mercy!"

"Do you not hunt for food with your tribe Max?"

"Only when it's Black Friday at Wal-Mart, the crowds are RUTHLESS, if yer not ready to kill then yer the first to die!"

"What happens at Wall-mart?"

"OH it's horrible! Rows of soup cans and TVs as far as the eye can see, mothers hurling their children like catapults to knock down old-age pensioners, fighting to the DEATH for the last Rainbow Dash, IT'S NOT A DOLL IT'S [i]AN ACTION FIGURE MOM JEEEZ![/i]"

"That sounds awful," muttered Oddclaw, "and you survived that?"

"I never lost a single pack of Uncle Ben's, unlike all them other Peter Parkers who can't fight to win, the wusses!"

"Shhh!"

Oddclaw bade silence as he pointed towards a wounded duck-billed hadrosaurus that dragged itself from near the river, festooned in horrid bite marks that seeped blood across the grass.

"This is good," muttered the raptor, "he will die soon."

"H-hoh, s-say that again," whispered Max.

"...he will die soon?"

"H-h-hohhhhhhyyyyeaaaah..." the rabbit shuddered with a disturbing grin on his melonface, "have I ever told you yer my new best friend Oddie?"

"No. But I am glad we are friends Max." Oddclaw smiled widely with all his teeth as Max mirrored his expression. "How would you kill this beast?"

"I'd toss it back into the river and let those biters finish the job!"

"No we need its meat!"

"Okay, plan B."

A few minutes later the sloven injured hadrosaur struggled further up the bank, crawling on its wrinkled knees with a mewling gasp.

[i]"I-i-i c-cannot believe I...I made it...a-aaagh...f-filthy waterjaw, managed to k-kick its eye right out, I...I will not die toda-"[/i]

[b][i]BHHHHHHHHHNNNN!!![/i][/b]

A piercing shriek came hard into his ears from above as a white furry beast jammed an airhorn into the side of his face. The hadrosaur's eyes swam with dizzying confusion as the world became silent for a moment, too stunned to move as Max leapt down in front of him.

"Iiiii am the black rabbit of Inle, come to herald thy doom after I fell in a sugar factoryyyyyy!

[i]"Wh-what, wha-I-i cannot hear, WHAT ARE YOU?!"[/i]

"ALL THE WORLD WILL BE YOUR ENEMY, PRINCE OF A THOUSAND ENEMIES! And if they catch you, they will KILL you!"

[i]"G-GO AWAY, YOU STUPID BEAST!"[/i]

"But FIRST they must catch you!"

[i]"I have no patience for you filthy warmbloo-GUH-A-AAAAAA-[b]GH-GHHHHRRRRKH!"[/b][/i]

The raptor slammed into the poor hadrosaur from the side and swiftly gouged his larynx into pieces whilst splayed on top, severing the windpipe as the carotid arteries sprayed his muzzle partly in red. Oddclaw made certain not a single breath remained in a swift and frightfully painless death as the rabbit jumped over to dunk his face into the wound.

"OOOOOOOOH, JUICY!"

"Y-you are like a hatchling!" cackled Oddie between chittering laughs.

"I am?!" said Max pulling his head up with the horrifying visage of a blood-soaked face. "LOOK, I'm Carrie!"

"No you are Max, don't be silly!"

"Agh, right, dinosaurs don't get jokes."

"We have jokes!"

"Wow, seriously?! You gotta tell me some, Sam'll never believe me!"

"Let us get this food back, then I will tell you some."

They carved what they could bring from the dinosaur's corpse, parts of the thighs and chest with the hunking most juicy meat that they lugged on their backs back to camp.

"Yanno," said Max with ichor dripping down his ears, "people are always givin' me the stinkeye cuz I don't wear clothes, or I keep shootin' everybody or I publicly executed every renaissance faire attendant in the United States, but you don't Oddie. Yer the third-best guy I know."

"Is Sam the first?" asked Oddclaw shifting the portions on his back.

"No, Buddy Hackett is! Me and Sam love him, we watched all his stuff, the man's a comic genius!"

"But Sam is your best friend, yes?"

"I mean, yeaaah he's like, we known each other since kids, course I like him! Wherever we go whether we're just shootin' things, playing poker or road-surfing or long walks on the beach to stop the summoning of the seven rings of Gh'khlrzhn, Sam and me are like glass shards and baby food!"

"My best friend is Jeremy, he un-derstands me."

"Well, I guess Sam understands me too...or at least the one who WOULD understand me more than anyone."

During the hunting excursion, Sam and Jeremy sat by the car stirring up the fire again after collecting some dry wood with grass for kindling. They watched the longnecked brachiosaurs and diplodocus come slowly back across the waves of the inland sea, lumbering colossal beasts that rose like the gods above them. In that moment Jeremy started to sing to himself.

[i]"Stormy the night and the waves roll high, bravely the ship doth ride. Hark! While the lighthouse bell's solemn cry rings :'o'er the sullen tide."[/i]

[i]"There on the deck see two lovers stand, heart to heart beating and hand in hand. Though death be near, she knows no fear, while at her side is one of all most dear."[/i]

Jeremy looked at Sam with shock and a widening smile on his face before they sung in coarse harmony.

[i]"Loudly the bell in the old tower rings, biding us list to the warning it brings. Sailor take care! Sailor take care! Danger is near thee, beware! Beware! Beware! Beware! Many brave hearts are asleep in the deep so bewaaaare! Bewaaaare![/i]

[i]"What of the storm when the night is o'er? There is no trace or siiiiign! Save where the wreckage hath strewn the shore, peaceful the sun doth shiiiine. But when the wild raging storm did cease, under the billows two hearts found peace. No more to part, no more of pain, the bell may now toll its warning in vain.[/i]

[i]"Loudly the bell in the old tower rings, biding us list to the warning it brings. Sailor take care! Sailor take care! Danger is near thee, beware! Beware! Beware! Beware! Many brave hearts are asleep in the deep so beware! Beware! Many brave hearts are asleep in the deep so bewaaaare! Bewaaaaare!"[/i]

"Ah would never thought you knew that song mate!" said Holt proudly.

"I love listening to old music," replied Sam, "mostly more a bluegrass fan myself but I can appreciate anything with some antiquity."

"Ahm more a jazz man mahself, gimme sum o' that King Oliver an' ahm happy as a clam."

"Nice, what's your favourite?"

"Shake It And Break It."

"Mine too!" The dog's smile mirrored Jeremy's exactly. "Shame I never learnt how to play the cornet."

"Same. ...christ those things are huge."

The sight of the monolithic saurians looming above them caused both to look up at the skyscraping heads of the lake-dwelling beasts. Monsters that rose to such that even when half-submerged in the depths of a grand inland sea that they towered over the world below as Sam contemplated in his thoughts.

"You ever get a sense of ennui lookin' at those things?"

"Wot?"

"Knowing beasts like these existed millions of millions years apart from when you were born, their lives come and gone with nothing to show for it but the children they had and the remnants we discovered. Names lost to eons that we replace with our own neologisms to be gawped at by twenty-something students and old fogeys. And yet here we are, sitting by their home like we're feeding pigeons at the back of the old Blockbusters."

"Blockbusters...that a cinema like?" asked Holt scratching his head.

"Aren't you like, forty?"

"Sixty-one dab."

"How the hell do you not know what a Blockbusters is?"

"Cuz ah wuz born in 1899," said the soldier factually whilst blowing the fire hotter.

"Wow...really?!" Sam whistled with amazement putting his hands in his pockets. "Geez what's yer secret to anti-ageing, I bet dermatologists waged a whole genocidal war upon ya!"

"Haha nawww, ah got sucked out me time period by them lot up the base."

"Really? Huh, so you're a war veteran?!"

"Ayup, Dresden 1945."

"Dang...I bet you must have some crazy stories."

"Oh ah got plenty...in fact, alrigh' let's swap sum, you tell me whut the deal is with you an' Max, an' I'll tell you whut ah been through."

"Alright, can't think of a reason not to. Need a drink?"

"Aw nice you 'ave sum?!"

The dog offered a bottle of some indeterminate alcohol from his coat pockets, wrapped in a paper bag as he took a gentle swig before offering to Holt. The sergeant took a dram and nodded in approval.

"MMmmmm, no' bad, whussat stuff eh?!"

"Grandma Ruth's recipe," said the dog, "taught me everything I know, an' the recipe's a secret."

"Haha, she musta been a real firecracker eh?"

"Oh yeah, served in the Marines during the Cold War, you'd have liked her."

"Fuck a marine?! Well ahll drink to her then, a true soldier if ever."

"She sure was," Sam said smiling whilst the soldier handed his slosh back, "always wise she was too, I'll always remember the things she said. A crime is an invitation to the crypt."

"Hahaha, ohhh very true," replied Holt waving a finger appreciative, "ah woulda liked to meet her."

"So what you wanna know about me and Max?"

"Well, how'd you two first meet?"

"We first met as kids, went to the same school and I'm not sure how we hit it off apart from him beating up everybody who ever picked on me."

"Really? He stood up fer you?"

"Max cares about his friends, he just has a hard time showing it what with his sociopathic rampaging tendencies." A drink tenderly gulped before he offered it back to Holt. "You may not believe it, but I used to be a pretty big kid, a furrier less loveable Charlie Brown."

"Awww that's harsh don' call yerself that."

"I didn't, that was the head teacher of my school."

"Fuck's sake, what an arse." Holt drank with a bitter sting in the back of his teeth before passing back. "Ah bet you were a thoughtful smart lad."

"Well I did love computers, I was kind of a whiz, I used to love building things from scratch, like Steve Wozniak before the killings started."

"Ahh huh."

"Max was the only kid that ever hung out with me, I dunno why, but he seemed to like being around me." The dog took a gentler sip than before and passed back the bottle. "Maybe cuz I was the only one that didn't hate his jokes like the one about the three dead squirrels, heheheecracked me up with that one."

"Awww...childhood friends, that's rather sweet."

"Since then we always hung out together, stuck to each other like glass shards and baby food until we set up our own law enforcement."

"Why'd you go into law enforcement?" asked Jeremy quaffing more booze.

"Max loves to shoot things! I like to shoot things too, also being able to wield a semi-legal unobjectionable truncheon of brutality upon the ruthless, deserving and pure malignant effluence of our society for the sake of a more tolerable existence."

"Hmhmhah...you are, without a doubt, thuh most eloquent American ah ever met Samuel."

"Don't call me Samuel," snarled the wolfhound snatching the bottle back.

"Oooh alrigh' sorry...well guess ah better tell you about me then."

"Alright, how many-"

"SAM!"

The voice of Max came from behind the car as he lugged a huge chunk of bloodied dinosaur meat on his head proudly.

"LOOK I'M CARRIE!"

"HAH, that's great," said the mutt, "if you'd been gone any longer I'd have to start calling you Madeline McCann."

"Who?!"

"ECHHH-HK-HRHK! Ugh...sorry I uh, I think I caught something in my throat."

"OOOH, you want me to make a hook outta fishbones an' wrench it out?!"

"No it's fine, I don't like the taste of fish. SO you got some food?"

"We do!" cried Oddie. "Max is very good at hunting!"

"He sure is, I mean he's no Simon Wiesenthal but-"

"LET'S EAT I'M STARVING!" cried the rabbit.

Cooking up their tough meat, Holt and Oddie made use of a small pot that Sam had hiding away in his coat that they filled up with water in order to boil up the meat and soften its fibrous tenders. Sam helped fuel the fire with some of his alcohol, causing a sharp burst to violently incentivise the flames and broil the food harder before it was ready to eat. Both raptor and rabbit ate up first, savouring their fruitful conquest as predators as well as having the most durable stomachs to test the food's safety for Sam and Holt. The four ate as Holt regaled with wartime stories and how he met Oddie, as well as their budding friendship as two oddities amongst a human-centric base of millennium-era staff.

"It's weird right," continued the Welsh sergeant chewing on a piece of the hadrosaur's thigh, "ah got over movies an' vidyagames, but sum of the other stuff like this internet babble, it's like a whole other world, ah feel like ahm in bloody Oz!"

"Oh we know," said Sam, "trust me, the internet's a frightening terrible place where flaws and vices have been magnified to inaccessible thousands!"

"LIke Birmingham, Alabama!" jabbered Max with meat-smouldered lips.

"There's a Birmingham in Alabama?!" cried Holt. "Fuck me thuh world has changed since ah left it."

"You ever wanna go back?! Like, to when you left?!"

"Dunno really...sorta feel too far away now, like you been away from home too long that you don't connect with anybody no more."

"I hear that, nobody understands me, not even doctors!"

"They called Max the true patient zero," said Sam with an almost proud smile, "cuz he's no longer admitted to hospitals due to the bizarre string of accidents where doctors that filed results on him would suddenly be incarcerated on grounds of insanity."

"Or died horribly in their offices, they all made the exact same face too LIKE THIS!"

Max twisted his expression to form a grotesque vision of rigor mortis, eyes violently torn sideways with a mouth of non-euclidean shape that made Jeremy spit into a laughing shock.

"HHHFFFHHUHUHUHUf-f-fuckin' ELL," snorted Holt, "d'you model fer EC Comics or wot?!"

"Max is a master of faces," said Sam thumbing towards him, "he also has the world's largest collection of faces!"

"In SEVENTEEN countries!" chimed the rabbit proudly with hands behind his back.

"Are we ready to leave?" asked Oddclaw finishing up his meat.

"Heck yeah, let's get up that mountain, I wanna make a coat outta Edmund Hillary!"

"Why do you wanna steal his coat?" asked Sam.

"I said MAKE a coat outta him, not steal the one he already had, it's too puffy!"

"Yer a right bloodthirsty little bastard arentcha?" said Holt almost admiring the hotheaded hopper.

"He is very good at hunting!" said Oddclaw standing up to walk to the lake. "He stopped our prey from running so I could kill it!"

"Hah, well can't fault him fer that."

The raptor crowed out a primal roar towards the longneck closest to the shore, waving down the large beast who loomed her giant head down upon him just out of reach.

[i]"Well, you are an odd hunter are you not?"[/i] she began.

[i]"My name is Oddclaw, I am friends with Seagazer, I need to speak to him."[/i]

[i]"Ohhhh? How do you know him then?"[/i]

[i]"I helped save the life of his friend Starstone. Tell him Oddclaw is here, please."[/i]

[i]"Hmmmm very well...but only because no hunter would know that name."[/i]

It would be another ten minutes that the beast in question would come, trudging water through the thick soupy sea amidst prowling crocodiles that Max peered over towards. Sometimes he dipped his foot in teasing them, waiting to see which one would lash out and attack him. Four of them barely caught his foot, but one managed to trap his leg and pull him in before Sam rushed forwards and pulled out a long wrench he jammed into the beast's throat, forcing it wide open to let his friend free.

"You really shouldn't antagonise the wildlife li'l buddy," said Sam wrenching his tool free to whack the fearsome beast back into the waters.

"They just remind me of our son," whimpered Max with an eerie tone of motherhood.

[i]"Your friends are somehow more odd than you,"[/i] replied Seagazer with a warm smile looking over them.

[i]"Yes they are,"[/i] said Oddclaw shrugging a smirk. [i]"Can you take us to the Skylands please?"[/i]

[i]"Do you not have the flyers to help you instead?"[/i]

[i]"We need to take something across, but it is too heavy for the flyers."[/i]

[i]"Ahhhh I see. Very well, climb on my back."[/i]

The raptor indicated when it was time to leave as the gang hopped onto the DeSoto and revved it straight up the thick brachiosaurus tail to park on his back. A long three hours would pass as they resorted to poker once more, with Oddclaw learning more how the game went whilst occasionally speaking with their ferry.

[i]"Have you been well Seagazer?"[/i]

[i]"Ohhhh I have. I never had the chance to thank you for helping my friend Starstone, she has recovered well."[/i]

[i]"I am glad she is fine, her grandson and I are good friends."[/i]

[i]"She has told me that yes, hmhmhm...I have not seen the hairless up close."[/i]

The brachio turned his head round towards Jeremy with a curious deep sniff that sucked his hair upwards. The soldier did not break his gaze from his cards.

[i]"Is this the one you have mated with?"[/i]

[i]"N-no!"[/i] stammered Odd. [i]"We are not mated, n-not like that, we just breed!"[/i]

[i]"HmHAHAHA!"[/i] The brachio's voice boomed across their heads as Sam grabbed Max to keep him rolling past. [i]"Are you worried I will judge you?!" [/i]

[i]"No, I know who I want to have as a mate. Hairnose is my friend, a very good friend."[/i]

[i]"I see...well, it would be odd if you took a male for a mate, unless the hairless males can lay eggs."[/i]

[i]"They do not."[/i]

[i]"Well, no fear of children yet hmm?"[/i]

[i]"I would like to be a father."[/i] At this point Oddclaw had folded his cards and conceded with a lowly two-pair hand. [i]"Have you had children Seagazer?"[/i]

[i]"Oh yes, it is wonderful to be a father,"[/i] Seagazer raised his head to the sky in warm rememberance, [i]after the first ten cycles once they are able to fend for themselves."[/i]

[i]"I want to have children...but the one I wish to mate with does not want to."[/i]

[i]"Why?"[/i]

[i]"She is afraid...I think. Whenever we speak of children, she smells of fear, she always tries to speak of other things, I do not know why. But I do not want to ask her."[/i]

[i]"I think you should tell her what you want."[/i]

[i]"But I do not want to push her away. I do not want to be another male that wants to claim her womb, I want her to be...with me."[/i]

[i]"A good relationship must be strengthened by honesty at its birth. You should tell her exactly what you have told me."[/i]

[i]"Do you think so?"[/i]

[i]"As someone who had once been too shy to speak to the one who is now my mate...I believe so truly."[/i]

[i]"...alright. Thank you Seagazer. It sounds so clear even a hatchling should know but all I needed was to hear it from someone else."[/i]

[i]"That is always the way, is it not hmhmhm."[/i]

Once they finally reached the Skylands, the Freelance Police drove their car down the side of Seagazer's body with little problem other than tickling thebeast's body as he rumbled with a deep giggle. Saying their farewells they soon began to climb as Sam shifted gears into the most gruelling setting of his vehicle. Despite the sharp incline and the multitude of cliffs, the DeSoto made swift work in traversing the Skylands in only half the time that Oddclaw had done in the past, much to his astonishment.

"I cannot believe how fast your car is!" he cried.

"This baby can handle anything," said Sam warmly patting the car door, "no matter what scrapes we get into this thing's harder to break than Roseanne Barr's Mitzvah chair." Sam received blank stares from everyone including Max. "Yanno, cuz her name's Barr and she's fat."

"Y-y-yeah I get it Sam," said the rabbit almost sneering, "I'm just so bored by that awful joke I can't boo you off the stage."

"Well why don't YOU come up with a joke then huh!?" he replied with sudden snarl. "Instead o' being a whiny little snowflake-KHH-ECHH-KHAH!"

The dog coughed with a scratchy noise as Max leaned back with surprise at his teeth.

"WOAHOHO! Wow did someone bite your butt this morning besides me?!"

"U-uhh...sorry li'l buddy." Sam rubbed his head with an odd look. "I think I caught something yesterday, like some prehistoric bug."

"You know we're immune to diseases Sam, you never take off your coat and my body is a temple...of death to all organisms great and small."

The car started to circle round the mountains once it became too steep to gain any proper speed, carefully winding its way up along the gentler slopes it could find to hitch beneath its tyres in careful forward jerks as the air became thinner. Sam's fingers started to shake on the wheel as the grinding chunks of rock underneath threatened to turn loose whilst Max kept his eye on the USB beacon.

"I think we're getting close!" he said. "Either that or this eggplant's about to go rotten!"

"How high do we have to go?" asked Oddclaw.

"Until we ALMOST pass out from oxygen deprivation but not entirely!"

"Is that where our target is?"

"No, it's just the best place to get high without using any drugs!"

"We have a lava lamp for that," said the dog smirking.

"Fool me ONCE shame on you, fool me TWICE you get a head like swiss cheese?!"

"Full of holes?"

"No, fed to rats, slowly! In slices of twelve!"

"GREAT GORGONZOLA OF GORGONS OLD!"

"Yeah, I thought that would scare ya."

"Not that, LOOK!"

Still turning the car round the high cliffs, the wolfhound pointed towards the rather unusual sight of a long-necked purple dinosaur, smaller than the ones of the lake, in a bowl-shaped quarry upon a large flat shelf of the mountainside. Grinding the top of its head into the cliff face to dislodge various lumpen rocks, a white collar was around its neck which tethered to a winch in a small crane platform that sat upon the beast's back.

"Wot thuh hell is it doing?" asked Holt.

"I do not know," replied Oddie, "longnecks cannot come up here!"

"And why do I have the strangest urge to smoke Winston's Cigarettes," replied Max holding a carton of cigs from out of nowhere, "the one smoker's cigarette that delivers flavour twenty times a pack!"

"No thanks ah quit that stuff," said Jeremy, "once you had 'em in Dresden you tend to not want 'em ever again."

"Look there is a human there!"

Sure enough inside the platform was a rather large-faced man wearing a leopard-skin rag and a blue scarf wrapped round his thick neck. The permanent stubble he had covered an entire circle of his face from chin to nose as the car drove itself down to near the beast.

"HEY!" the man shouted from his box. "Whattaya doin' around here, this place is off-limits!"

"We're a little lost for directions," replied Sam, "can you point us to the nearest supervillain base?!"

"Superwha?! Look pal I gotta get this quarry cleaned out by five so if you don't shove off I'm kickin' you out myself!"

"SAM!" shouted Max. "Look It's Fred Fli-MMM-MMMMPH!"

"SHHH!" snarled Sam slapping a hand on his friend's face. "We know who it is we just can't say it!"

"Why?!"

"Cuz Hanna-Barbera are a fearsome collective of harvesters who will ruin us inside-out with a lawsuit alone!"

"I'm not scared of 'em, they're not even around anymore they're just names you slap on a product so nobody feels bad about rippin' off their work, like Bob Kane or Steve Purcell!"

"Do you wanna mess with the people who brought us FIVE different versions of the same genetically-rejected mutt and somehow expect success every time?! Only a true cabal of megalomaniacs would ever devise such a scheme upon the unwitting public."

"Ooof sheesh yer right, what kinda people would bring back a crime-solving dog and their violent pint-sized sidekick more than THREE times in existence?!"

"You got me there, Scrappy."

Max turned slowly towards his larger friend with his voice dropping and his smile suddenly disappearing.

"Don't. [b]Ever.[/b] Call me that again, Samuel."

"ARE YOU GUYS CLEARIN' OFF OR WHAT?!" shouted the caveman from the crane.

"WE JUS' NEED SUM DIRECTIONS!" barked Jeremy. "WE'RE LOOKIN' FOR SOMEONE!"

"OH YEAH, WHO!?"

"HE WUZ KIDNAPPED RECENTLY, WE'RE LAW ENFORCEMENT, YOU SEEN ANYONE SUSPICIOUS?!"

The worker looked down inside his platform cab and noticed a flyer he had been given. The photos of Sam and Max standing in front of a suspect wall was headed by the phrase "DESTROY AT ALL COSTS", in the exact same font a newspaper would use to shriek about minorities.

"Oh I seen somebody suspicious alright," said the stone-carver reeling his tether wheel, "I been waitin' fer you two Sam an' Max."

"You have?!" cried the rabbit. "Is it a surprise party?! PLEASE tell me you're the giant pinata I ordered, I brought my own bat!"

"Oh it's a surprise alright...yanno what my boss has ordered me here fer?" The longneck raised his head with a ferocious glower in its eyes as the worker lead him by the collar to face them. "He ordered me to dig you boys your very own GRAVE!"

With a cranking turn he swung the monstrous head of his "crane" against the wall, causing a landslide upon them as they all frantically dodged out of its path. The longneck picked up one of the larger rocks and hurled it towards the group as Oddie pulled Jeremy out of harm's way with Sam doing the same for Max.

"Do we fight this thing?!" asked the raptor.

"Can't think of a reason not to," replied Sam readying his revolver.

"I always wanted to pistol-whip Jackie Gleason!" said Max tapping his finger on the trigger of his gun. "But this guy'll do pretty good!"

"From now on, we call this guy Bort Brimstone, just for the sake of our legal."

"We don't HAVE any legal Sam!"

"Exactly! Now let's take him down, WITHOUT killing cuz we still need to know who his master is!"

"AAAARGH but this is killing ME Sam!"

The two detectives fired off their guns ablazing, pockmarking bullet wounds across the dinosaur who roared and flinched at the tiny seepage of black and whtie static dripping from its side. The driver, known hereafter as Bort, swung his beastly vehicle's head into the rocks once again to send another crushing slalom of debris that threatened to bury them. Oddclaw and Jeremy found themselves hopscotching across the pebble-dashed ground in frantic evasion, the raptor pulling his friend towards the bulldozing brachiosaur.

"COME, COME WITH ME!"

"WH-WHUT ARE YA DOIN'?!"

"WE CAN HIDE UNDER ITS SHADOW FROM THE STONES!"

"RIGHT, GOTCHA!"

"SAM, MAX HURRY!"

Hearing his plan they followed suit, firing haphazardly with wildly varying degrees of accuracy to chip and puncture away at the hardened fuchsia hide of the longnecked brontosaur. Bort however saw them running towards his side and turned his massive saurian to face them, before dropping the creature's head by releasing the tether.

"WHERE DO YA THINK [i]YOU'RE[/i] GOING?!"

"LOOK OUT!"

They dove past towards the legs in avoiding the crushing boulder-sized chin of the heavy-worker beast, sending a flume of dust and crumbling cracks along the ground from its sheer weightful force. Max bunny-hopped into a diveroll until he hit one of the trunk-sized legs, whilst Oddclaw leapt onto the back foot and began to scale up towards the dino's master. Sam and Jeremy took action by firing at the monster's neck, gutting out even more spewing static like a bloody wash of hissing foam pouring out of its enormous vessel.

"HEY," shouted the caveman, "I GOTTA PAY FER THAT YOU PUMICE-HEADED PUNKS! WHY DONTCHA FIGHT ME LIKE A MAN!?"

"Then fight ME!" barked Oddclaw from behind. "Can you hurt me without your stones human?!"

"WHA?!" The caveman turned with a scowl as he hopped from his seat. "I'm gonna basalt ya real good, straight to the MOON!"

He charged forwards with a meaty fist, missing past Oddclaw completely who struck back with a slashing strike to scar his face with a black cut across his cheek. The thug came after him once again with whirling fists of fury, windmilling his arms with a rageful shout whilst Oddie ducked and tripped both his feet, sending his jaw to hit hard against the chair of his platform. He spotted something however in his seat and swung out to catch the raptor who backflipped hard away from the burly blue bowling ball he now clutched in one of his hands.

"YER NUTHIN' BUT AN OVERGROWN TURKEY, AN' GUESS WHAT I'M GOOD AT HITTIN', YA PINHEADED FREAK!"

"TRY AND HIT ME YOU STINKING PIG!"

"RAAAAAAAAARGH!"

The caveman came hurtling towards him with his stone-fisted weapon, whirling fast with a powerful weight that added to his swings as the raptor dodged beneath the heavy swipe to headbutt Bort hard in the stomach. With a wheeze he staggered as Oddie slashed with an uppercut to knock him back, tearing some of his clothing as his scarf became ragged against his hiary chest. In a desperate move Bort rolled his ball of stone across the brontosaurus back, the natural curve of its sloping spine sending it down like a comet towards Oddie who leapt over to strike both his clawed feet into the thug's skull, gouging through the flesh and tearing half of his face off causing him to scream and stagger before falling off of the dino-crane.

"[i]DAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOWWWWWWWW![/i]"

Hitting the ground hard, the caveman stood up slowly to reveal his face, half of which was still a stubbled pink but the other half revealed a much more disturbing yellow skin, with bulging white eye showing a single pupilled dot. His voice had changed too to become more whiny and high pitched like a baboon.

"[i]SUNUVA-AA-AAAH! MY FAAAACE!![/i]"

"SAM LOOK!" cried the rabbit. "I recognise that jaundiced skin anywhere!"

"Me too buddy," said the dog, "now we got TWO networks to worry about!"

The two-faced idiot pulled out a remote control from his leopard-skin rag and pointed it towards the hot-pink dinosaur, beeping to another channel as it suddenly transmorphed into something smaller through a high-pitched squealing whine from a test channel. The longneck had now become a four-doored American family car of the same colour with crumpled bonnet and limp radio aerial as he stepped inside.

"Ohhhohoho you done it now!" He revved his sedan with a psychotic glee. "This baby survived Truckasaurus, NOW what are ya gonna do huh?!"

"So why didn't you just summon Truckasaurus instead?!" cried the rabbit. "It'd be way harder to fight than some bald fat idiot in a car!"

"......[b][i]DOH![/i][/b]"

He burned the wheels in a furious charge as Sam and Holt dodged out of its path whilst Max hopped on top. The space between the edges of the cliff and the remnants of the landslide providing an open turf for the half-faced man to turn hard and spin his vehicle towards Oddie who decided to take Max's option, waiting for the car to come close within a few feet to jump onto it. The lagomorph crowbarred open the sunroof with his luger and swung himself in to kick the man hard in the face before landing in the passenger seat, causing him to steer wildly fast with a screeching burn as Oddclaw was forced to dodge the rear end of the sedan.

"HI!" shouted Max. "Listen, big fan, I got a quick question! When your daughter ate bacon in the newest season, did you guys just forget about Linda McCartney's promise to keep her vegetarian, orrrr did you just stop giving a damn like the rest of your writers and the world did with you?"

"[i]Why you LITTLE-GR-GRRRR![/i]"

"[i]A-ACHHH-EHHH-KHHHK![/i]"

The man wrapped his large gorilla hands round Max's neck to viciously strangle him, choking the life out of him in sudden rage whilst clamping his teeth upon the steering wheel to keep it turning around the cliff's shelf. The car careened violently with a drunken path as Sam called the raptor over with an idea.

"Oddie, Jeremy, get over there, I'll get the car coming towards me and when it passes you, you shoot out one wheel each!"

"Whut if it crashes with Max inside?!" cried Holt.

"Max can handle himself, he's had worse, just stay there and wait for my signal."

The dog stood up to take potshots in the open towards the simpleton driving the sedan. The man previously known as Bort saw him dinging bullets off the bonnet as well as hitting through the windscreen with purposeful missing shots. He slammed Max in the face to stun him and revved even harder with unnaturally psychotic glee. Sam coaxed him more by standing in front of the cliff wall and twirling his gun waiting for the right moment.

"[i]NOW![/i]"

[b][i]BAN-BANG.[/i][/b]

"WHAT THE-[i]AAAAH![/i]"

With a high shriek his car started to flip onto its left and fall scraping along the harsh rocky turf, the raptor and soldier keeping their shotguns up and ready whilst reloading as the sedan slammed against the sheer rock. Max hopped himself free out of the car standing proudly upon its passenger window.

"NUTHIN' to it-[i]HRH-URRRKH![/i]"

A furious fist of ham-welted thickness smashed into his stomach to send him flying as glass shards dappled the ground like seeds of a daffodil. The door crunched outwards with a vicious kick of someone's black loafer shoe as out from the car wreckage was an even stranger-looking thug. The face had widened out to a piggish extent, half of it still jaundiced but the other half now showing a man who wore one half of glasses and a chin now bloodied that resembled a pair of teeny testicles. The clothing was mismatched all in rags from the leopard-skin to the a white polo shirt, along with some remains of a green pair of pants as his voice now became an even whinier American voice of the northeast states.

"I'm gonna KICK YER ASS YOU SUNUVA [i]BITCH![/i]"

"Awww jeez," muttered the dog, "this one's gonna be trouble."

"Why?" asked Oddie.

"Cuz he fights like his jokes. Dirty, cheap, low-hanging and miserable."

"SHUDDUP!" ranted the oaf. "I'M GONNA DO TO YOU WHAT DONALD TRUMP DOES TO HIS WIFE EVERY NIGHT WISHING IT WAS HIS DAUGHTER!"

"See, that's what I'm talking abou-[i]YEEELP![/i]"

With a bullrush towards Sam he whalloped the dog hard across the face before violently kicking him into the dirt, pounding his stomach with hard shoes until Holt and Oddie came in for a team attack, grabbing one arm each to drive both their fists into the brute's mouth and send him down hard. But surprisingly for his fatness he was able to deliver a sweeping kick to knock both of them down, bowling raptor and sergeant hard with football-strong kicks across the rocky plateau. Sam came prepared however, pulling out his salad-shooter packed with onions to pop one in the oaf's face which caused him to start crying like a whiny toddler.

"[i]EHHHHH-E-EH, EHHHHHHHHHHH-hneh-hneh-hehhhhh![/i]"

The dog brought out another weapon in the form of a boxing glove he swiftly attached onto a golf-ball retriever, shooting it out to slam a huge purple welt directly into the buffoon's face. It broke him from his sobbing state as he shouldercharged into Sam, the dog bungling his dodge-roll to receive a solid boot in the back before the thug landed on top of him. His fists came down hard pummelling the cop left and right, blackening his eye and weakening his jaw whilst he boasted:

"Ehhh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh, this is like that time Walt Disney beat up all the Jews in his office!"

"HE NEVER DID YOU SHUT YER [i]FAT FUCKIN' GOB![/i]"

Jeremy became incensed with sudden insult as he made a rugby kick against the fat dolt's face, sending him rolling across the floor as he waited for him to get back up. Once his opponent staggered back on his feet, he bashed his fist hard across the former Brimstone's face, following a ruthless uppercut to his portly gut that made him wince and bow forwards before the thug grabbed Holt's arm and slammed his knee into Jeremy's crotch. His roar of pain had Oddie come from behind in a hammerfist from above, crushing down on the back of the fat man's neck to send him crunching to the ground as he wailed with clawing shrieking frenzy upon his head.

"A-AAAAH DAMMIT SUNUVA-GOD, DAMMIT ALRIGHT STOP STOP STOP!"

The raptor stopped and slowly turned the oafish human over waiting for some response. The jaundiced side of the face had faded more to now become symmetrical with the rest of his podgy porcine face.

"You ever wonder that, if I repeat a joke enough times people'll be stupid enough to believe it's actually true?"

"Wh-...what?"

"Just, yanno I-i-i-i kinda been wonderin' this for a while, you ever think that, well jokes like the one I said previously, you ever wonder if people laugh at it for the right reasons cuz there's like two kindsa jokes, ones where people laugh cuz they go like 'ohhohoho, that's so not true!' or the ones where people laugh like 'ahahahaaaa, that is SO what he would do!' and I just kinda wonder which is it? Whaddayou think?"

"I...I-i do not un-derstand."

"Like people aren't gonna bother looking that up cuz I said sumthin' like it so many times an' everyone oughta think 'hey there must be SOME kinda truth to whut he said it cuz he said it enough times, he wouldn't lie about something like that if he said it so often' so...nobody got any reason to think I'm just talkin' outta my ass even though that's kinda who I am."

"...I thought we were fighting."

"Oh right sorry, well nice talking with ya."

"[i]DHHHF![/i]"

The question had thrown the raptor off enough to receive a vicious blow unguarded across his snout, throwing him off as Bort stood back onto his feet with even more blood streaming from every orifice of his head. The raptor ducked his swinging haymakers to drive a one-two hit, following with a lunging bite that chewed off a nasty chunk of shoulder meat that the thug countered with a kung-fu double kick unusually for one his size, whalloping Oddie twice in the chest as he staggered back from even more punches to his face. Amidst five swinging blows he managed to duck beneath the sixth and grab at the flabby stomach to wrench a hard bloody twist of skin between his claws, before the man grabbed him in a twisting armlock and pulled the raptor underneath his other armpit, squeezing his neck whilst punching him right in the socket.

Jeremy came to the rescue with a violent thrusting boot into the man's stomach, forcing him to release the raptor before a driving fist came down to the back of his head. Sam hurled a set of cuffs towards Holt who quickly clamped them round the oaf's wrists behind his back, ending the fight at last. The four of them were left heaving with burst lips and swollen eyes before smiling at each other as Holt sat on the perp's back.

"Alrigh' cocker, yer gonna tell me who yer workin' for an' where's their hideout?"

"The hell do ya think yer doing?!"

"Bein' merciful, trust me, if ah wanted you dead ah woulda snapped yer neck like a fuckin' calf."

"This is cuz I'm black right?! You pigs are all the same-"

"SHUT IT!" Holt slammed the idiot's face into the dirt. "No more fuckin' smart-arsing, now tell me who yer workin' for or I'll let me raptor friend carve you open. SLOWLY."

"DO IT ODDIE, DO IT!" squealed Max. "I always wanted to see TV's favourite idiot get gutted like a pig!"

"So you better talk," threatened Sam with a cruel glower, "cuz I wanna hear everything you got on this master of yers until yer face is more blue than Chester Bennington's."

"...was...was that what I THINK yer jokin' about?!" asked Max with a strangely timid sneer.

"Well yeah, come on try to keep up ya knuckle-HHHHKHAH!" The dog bent over with a piercing cough as something red spit out from his lips.

"Uhhhhh...you alright Sam? You keep choking like...well, what you just said."

"I...I-i uhhh don't know, my head feels warm."

"You mind lettin' me check on you dab?" asked Holt.

"Are you a doctor?"

"No but I learnt basic first aid from the army."

The soldier stepped off of the thug and came close to pat the dog's head, feeling it was indeed strangely warm to the touch.

"You 'ave any loss of appetite, thirst or eyes turnin' bleary?"

"No, no and maybe a little."

"Hmmmm...maybe you 'ave a fever, do dogs get fever?"

"Only on the dancefloor," chipped Max unhelpfully, "those were some wild college years!"

"You sure you're alright to keep going Sam?"

"Oh yeah yeah I should be fine," muttered the tall detective straightening his knotted tie, "just gotta keep on pushing like a...like a Fox News commentator even when he's told he's wrong by five experts."

"Ehhh," the rabbit waved his hand unsteady, "not bad, but I liked your previous work better-"

"LISTEN you little kek, if you don't like it then get off my BACK-HHNNNGNH! O-ohhhnnnnngh..."

Sam began to sat down with a painful wince in his gut, rocking back and forth with a burning queasiness in his stomach. Max looked him over and licked his head with a tender smack of his lips.

"Yyyyeaaaah you definitely got a bug, that ain't your normal sweat."

"I-it worries me that you know...what...my sweat tastes like."

"Well I gotta drink SOMETHING when I wake up in the middle o' night and yer back's the closest thing!"

Jeremy looked at Oddclaw with a confused expression of his mouth agape, stuttering silently as the raptor shrugged in equal puzzlement. Whilst the dog steadied his breathing to recuperate, the rabbit pulled Oddclaw to one side with a nervous rub of his neck and a lowered voice.

"Listen, I don't wanna like 'talk' about things," the rabbit said with huge airquotes, "but you think Sam's been actin' a little weird lately?"

"He smells different," said the raptor, "it smells bad."

"Right?! Like more than usual, cuz that Bennington joke? That's not his style, he'd never joke about suicide he HATES that!"

"Oh. What is soo-is-side?"

"I-i got no time to explain, just that that's MY kinda line not his, I think this bug he's got is affecting his brain, I mean what if he keeps saying the jokes that I'M supposed to say?!"

"But why is that bad?" asked Odd.

"Cuz it ISN'T who Sam is, he's too nice to joke about that kinda stuff! Just keep an eye on him will ya, from a fellow hunter."

"I un-derstand. I will keep watch on him."

Amidst all this, the buffoon in handcuffs started to snigger with piggish laugh.

"Hhheh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh."

"Whut's so funny?" warned Holt.

"Nothing, nothing!"

"...nawwww you know summat you yankee prick, now cough up."

"Oh what like McGruff over there?!"

"DON'T, call me that!" snarled Sam as he staggered up to march over. "YOU are not even real, you know what you are fatboy? Yer just a copy, of a copy of a copy of a copy, you know why I got no problems shooting punks like you and Dum Goy back in the desert?! Cuz you're just a fabrication of media, you can't even bleed properly!"

He swiped a piece of the man's blood onto his fingers showing the red was dissipating into staticky monotone, which did nothing to frighten the obese thug who replied:

"What you think I don't know that?! I mean I try not to think about it but sheesh yer slower than Stephen King is at dodging cars!"

The dog grabbed the perp's neck and pulled him up to grind his nose against his with snarling gritted teeth.

"WHO sent you?! WHERE is your hostage?!"

"I dunno nuthin'!"

"Alright, let's play a game, I'll be the NYPD and YOU be Eric Garner!"

Sam pushed the moron down hard on the ground and crushed his knee on the back of his neck. The sudden suffocating choke caused the man to start panicking with retching coughs, his hands wiggling in fear as his eyes became bleary.

"Now TALK, if you want me to arrest you an' not make you a statistic you better start yappin'!"

"[i]HHH-HHCHCHHHKKKKH! KHHHH![/i]"

"S-SAM STOP IT!" barked Holt. "STOP LET 'IM SPEAK!"

"YOU KEEP OUT OF THIS DICK VAN DYKE!"

"WOT?!"

"Sam?"

Max stepped forwards in a strangely calm voice that unnerved the four of them with hands up in a peaceful gesture.

"Maybe we SHOULD get sum info outta this guy BEFORE we put him in a coma?"

"Hmph."

The dog finally released his knee from the buffoon's neck, a heaving cough sputtering dirt across the ground as he rolled him onto his side to let him breathe better.

"Alright," stammered Bort, "a-alright, alright I'll tell ya...I dunno his name, but he's a real pig, he took a whole bunch of us outta the media dimension to keep a watch out fer yous two."

"Who is his hostage?"

"S-sum guy that beat his boss, he said he wanted to get revenge, an' the only way to get it wuz to kidnap him, trap him in some kinda closed-circuit freak machine an' make him his permanent slave."

"Who is he?!"

"I dunno his name the guy freaked me out like sum Boris Karloff sunuvabitch!"

"Where is he then?!" demanded Sam.

"H-he's...he's at the canyon! The canyon over southwest, the red one!"

"That is the Jaws of the Earth!" replied Oddclaw. "Is someone hiding there?!"

"I'm tellin' ya it's true, I ain't got no reason to deal with him no more, all I wanted was to meet Mr. Belvedere an' he let me talk to him!"

"That's fine by me," growled the mutt detective. "Now how about you lead us to him proper?"

"Alright...s-sure, I uh, I got a remote in my pocket, just grab it and press the green button, that'll open the passage I took to get here."

Sam fiddled into the man's pockets and found a thick-ended remote control with more buttons than anything ever should have. Without thinking he pressed the button, causing the pink sedan to explode with such a burning shockwave that it caused the entire rock shelf to start falling underneath their feet. There was no time to escape as all five of them fell into a yawning abyss beneath the Skylands, the cackling of the fat oaf echoing throughout their ears like the driest fart in a church.