Pink Like Me
Story by Little Bill on SoFurry
Careful when you meet the Pink Panther's family!
PINK LIKE ME
by Little Bill
(AUTHOR'S NOTE: This story only has a little naughtiness in it.)
It was a dark and stormy late evening. Rain was coming down in sheets as the Pink Panther struggled to walk through it, and the streets of the city, which normally had a fair amount of traffic even at this hour, were deserted except for the few who had no choice but to travel through it despite the harsh downpour. Being a nonhuman who grew up in the wild, the panther could take bad weather more easily than the typical human, but the rain was so heavy that even wild animals would be forced to take shelter if they could find any. It was difficult to stand in the pelting downpour, let alone walk, and it was practically impossible to see anything beyond a few blurry lights. But it was late at night, and any business establishments would be shuttered until the next morning. Where could the Pink Panther go?
Then the Pink Panther eventually spotted a colored blur that definitely suggested a storefront sign, though he could not actually read it. He struggled through the rain until he was near the sign, which he still could not read, but there was a doorway beneath it. He pulled the door open and slipped inside.
“Excuse me, sir, but I'm not sure if you belong in here."
The Pink Panther turned toward the speaker, who was a large, well-built man dressed simply in a shirt and jeans. There was no menace in his manner, but the man clearly was not one the panther cared to mess with.
“How do you mean?" replied the panther.
“This happens to be a nightclub for members of a certain segment of society."
“Uh, I still don't understand."
The man leaned over and whispered in the ear of the panther, who grinned sheepishly. “Silly me," said the Pink Panther, “I should have guessed."
“Now that you know, I'm going to have to ask you to go in-" The man pointed toward an inner door. “-or out." The man pointed to the outer door of the vestibule. The Pink Panther, despite the fact that this was the last sort of place he would want to enter, thought of the heavy rain outside and how hazardous it was.
“Well, I guess I'm going in."
Reluctantly, the Pink Panther pushed his way through the inner door and came into a large crowded room. It was like other nightclubs, but the men were with other men and women with other women. All at once, many people turned toward the panther and smiled at him, not necessarily in a friendly way. Trying to look nonchalant, the panther sidled towards the long bar with was along one side of the room.
“There's a two-drink minimum here," said another voice, and it came from a little man with a big nose who was clearly the bartender. “So, what will your first one be?"
The panther searched himself...and to his embarrassment, found that he had no money at all. “Uh, a glass of water?"
“You want water?" retorted the bartender. “Stand outside with your mouth open!"
Now the panther realized that he could not stay any longer, and was about to leave, when another voice said, “Hey, pink man, let me buy you a drink!"
The Pink Panther turned to see a man beside him, looking like the 1980's version of Freddy Mercury and wearing a white suit with black shirt.
“Why, thank you!" said the panther.
The bartender still maintained his unfriendly demeanor, as if he had preferred for the panther to have walked out, but asked casually, “What will it be?"
“Milk," replied the panther, half-wondering if a fight was about to occur as a result, but there was no reaction other than the bartender taking out a glass and pouring the specified beverage into it, which the panther grabbed and gulped down.
The white-suited man looked at the Pink Panther with interest. “Are you hungry too? Maybe a sandwich?"
“Now you're talking," said the panther, and the white-suited man bought a club sandwich, which he hungrily devoured. He glanced toward the other nightclub patrons and saw that they had already lost interest in him. Though the white-suited man had not until now given a sign of romantic interest, he suddenly leaned toward the Pink Panther and said, “I think that this is a lovely way to begin a romantic evening."
“"Just a moment!" replied the panther. “We hardly know each other!"
“Oh, if we were to leave here and talk a long walk together, we could get to know each other a whole lot better," continued the man.
“You're right, leaving here is a good idea!"
The white suited man immediately stood up and grabbed the Pink Panther's wrist. He then walked toward the entrance, holding his other hand limp and walking in a mincing manner, pulling the panther with him. The panther glanced back and noted that the bartender seemed relieved to see them depart.
“Pink is the color that really shouts out that you follow an alternative lifestyle, doesn't it?" asked the white-suited man.
This was quite an insult to the Pink Panther, who did not follow such a lifestyle at all, and he growled angrily. “Ah, I love the sound of affectionate purring!" added the man.
Was the man that dense? thought the Pink Panther, but said nothing as the man, still holding his wrist, led him out of the nightclub and into the street.
The rain had lessened in intensity since the Pink Panther had entered the nightclub, so visibility was less of a problem now. The man was taking him down the sidewalk until he reached a parking lot, then taking him to a white sedan. The man dropped his grip on the panther's wrist, and said in a shouting voice quite unlike the effeminate tone he had used in the nightclub, “All right, get in the car!"
Rather shocked by the sudden change in tone, the panther obeyed. The man closed the door and entered the driver's seat. The panther would have been grateful to be out of the rain, but he was still angry at the man for insulting his coloring.
“All right," the man said sharply, “let's get down to it!"
“Not so fast," the Pink Panther replied, himself adopting the effeminate manner that the man had done previously. “You said we could get to know each other a whole lot better. I want you to meet my family!"
The man looked dumbfounded, as if this were the last thing he expected the panther to tell him. “What's that?"
“Please?" said the panther. “I'm so anxious for you to meet them. They're right in the forest preserve!"
“This wasn't what I was expecting," replied the man.
“It's not that far from here." insisted the panther. “They'll be very happy to see you!"
The man looked suspicious, but wordlessly started the car and drove out of the parking lot and towards the highway where the forest preserve would be. The rain had subsided to a drizzle, so visibility was no longer the problem it was just minutes earlier.
It was maybe twenty minutes before the Pink Panther told the driver where to exit. It was a gravel road with thick woods on either side. The car followed it until it reached a wider area where the panther told the man to park. The panther got out, and bade the man to get out and follow him. It was not long before the Pink Panther stopped and shouted, “Hey, Mommy, Daddy! I've come back, and brought a nice human along with me!"
“Whaaaa...?" said the man in shock.
The Pink Panther smiled maliciously. “They'll be here any second!"
Suddenly afraid, the man turned around and started to run back to his car when five black panthers leaped out of the surrounding woods and jumped on top of the man, pinning him to the ground. The panthers all smiled maliciously at their captive while the Pink Panther walked up to them.
“Allow me to introduce my family," he announced. “This is Mommy-" One panther licked her lips. “-and this is Daddy-" Another panther licked his lips, “-and this is my brother-" That panther licked his lips. “- and these two are my sisters." Those panthers licked their lips.
“What is this?" shouted the man, “The lieutenant told me you were a reliable informer!"
“Lieutenant?" replied the Pink Panther in surprise. “Informer? What is all this?"
“You mean-" began the man. “Why have you brought me here? What are you going to do with me?"
“Well, food is quite scarce in the wild," replied the Pink Panther. “And I happen to be very sensitive about my pink coloring, and you made a remark about it that I don't like. You get me?"
Back in the nightclub, a man rather ill-fittingly dressed in a pink outfit was waiting very nervously at the bar. He had had several drinks, but the bartender was looking at him with growing suspicion. As the bartender had never seen this man before, and he was simply drinking and sitting, rather than making any attempt to interact with anybody else at the nightclub, the bartender's suspicions grew to the point where he reached under the bar and flipped an electrical switch.
In a storage room of the nightclub, a red light bulb flicked on. Several toughs similar to the bouncer at the nightclub's front door had been lounging around when one of them saw the light go on and reacted immediately. “Hey, the boss is in trouble!" he shouted, and the others snapped to attention and quickly filed out of the room.
They entered the main room of the nightclub, and ignored the patrons as they spotted the bartender looking at the nervous man dressed in pink. Quickly guessing what was going on, they filed their way towards the pink-suited man. Fortunately for the man, he noticed in time what was happening, and he ran as fast as he could toward the nightclub entrance. The bouncer saw him and prepared to catch the man, but the man was stronger and more terrified than he anticipated, and he literally ran over the bouncer, leaving footprints on his body. The bouncer stood up and went out the entrance door after the man, but his prey was already far ahead of him and running so fast that there was no chance he could catch him.
Back in the forest preserve, the man, though no longer physically restrained by the panthers, was on his hands and knees, kissing the Pink Panther's foot.
“I will never make such a remark about the color pink again," said the man, giving the Pink Panther's foot another kiss.
“Nine hundred and ninety-seven," responded the Pink Panther.
“I will never make such a remark about the color pink again," said the man, giving the Pink Panther's foot another kiss.
“Nine hundred and ninety-eight."
“I will never make such a remark about the color pink again," said the man, giving the Pink Panther's foot another kiss.
“Nine hundred and ninety-nine."
“I will never make such a remark about the color pink again," said the man, giving the Pink Panther's foot another kiss.
“One thousand. Okay, you can stand up."
“What, we don't get to eat him?" asked one of the Pink Panther's sisters in a disappointed voice.
“After he showed such genuine remorse?" replied the Pink Panther. “That would be so rude!"
The man stood up miserably, then suddenly straightened up, as if a very important thought suddenly hit him. “The informer!" he cried out. “He's still in that nightclub!"
To the panthers' shock, the man broke into a run as if nothing else mattered at all, not even the humiliation of what he had gone through, jumped into his sedan, turned it around, and sped off. The Pink Panther had the vague feeling that he had just done something terribly wrong.
“Who was that human?" Daddy asked. “What did he do?"
“He made a very uncomplimentary remark about my coloring," replied the Pink Panther.
“Was it really that awful?"
“Worse. And in any case, I doubt he's going to bother us again." The Pink Panther suddenly smiled. “Well, I realize this is a surprise visit, but I'm back from civilization!"
“What's it like, anyway?" the brother asked.
“It's very complicated to explain. There are bad things about it, but it is safer than living in the wild,"
Back at the nightclub, the bartender, who was actually the owner and manager of the establishment, was glaring angrily at the bouncer. Surrounding them were the other toughs, who were nervous in their own right. Though the bartender was small compared to the burly bouncer, the latter was absolutely terrified of the former.
“You're fined a week's pay!" yelled the bartender. “Another mistake like that, and the consequences will be far worse! Is that understood?"
“Yes sir!" squeaked the bouncer in terror. “Yesyesyesyesyesyesyes!"
“Good! Now get back to your post, and remember, never let anyone get past you like that again!"
Wordlessly, the bouncer left the office, followed by everybody else. Nobody laughed at the bouncer, knowing what their boss was capable of doing to people. The bouncer returned to his post-and was instantly knocked down by a man running into the nightclub and who also left footprints on him. But this man was the white-suited man from previously, now much dirtier than before, and he ran right up to the bar. “Give me the strongest drink you've got!" he shouted to the bartender.
The bartender, stunned, did so, and the man grabbed the glass and guzzled it down.
“More!" he shouted, and the bartender provided another glass, which was guzzled just as quickly. “More!" he shouted again, and received another glass, which was guzzled equally quickly.
“I'm afraid I'm going to have to cut you off, sir," said the bartender, nonplussed at having seen the man drink so much of his most powerful booze so quickly. “Shall I call you a taxi, sir, or an ambulance?"
“Oh, it was so terrifying!"
“What was terrifying?"
“That panther who was here, he took me to the forest preserve to have five other panthers jump on me! I thought I was going to be torn to shreds!"
“Panthers?" asked the bartender, who had a hobby of big game hunting. Though he knew it was illegal to hunt in the nearby forest preserve, he immediately thought of adding six panthers to his hunting trophy collection.
Back in the forest preserve, the Pink Panther was talking about his adventures among human society to his relatives. “That's what gets me about humans," he said. “They're so separated from the wild that they don't even realize where meat comes from. And they think wild animals have such wonderful lives!"
“Humans are that naïve?" Daddy responded with disbelief. “They don't know what it's like when food supplies are scarce, or when the weather is really bad, or what it's like to compete with other predators?"
“Well, not all of them," replied the Pink Panther. “Some of them are poor enough so they do have to worry about what to eat and where to sleep. Civilization doesn't manage to cover every human in a society."
“I haven't seen any of these poor humans come into the wild," noted the brother.
“Because cities are safer for impoverished humans than the wild. Some humans do know better."
“So what are you going to do now?" asked Mommy.
“Seeing it's past winter," answered the Pink Panther, “I suppose you don't mind if I visit here for a while. Food animals should be plentiful enough this time of year."
“Actually, you're in for a surprise," said one sister.
“How do you mean?"
“Hunters," replied the other sister. “Human ones, even though they're not supposed to be here."
“But they're not supposed to do that!" said the Pink Panther angrily. “Where's the forest preserve manager? They're supposed to be preventing this!"
“Who knows?" replied Daddy. “But they're not doing their job lately."
The Pink Panther stood up. “Well, I'll have to go see about that, won't I!"
“Others have supposedly complained," replied Mommy. “But they say that can't do anything unless they catch a hunter in the act."
“Then I'll just stick around and catch one myself! Sooner or later one is going to turn up."
“If you're lucky enough to catch one in the act," said the brother.
“I haven't forgotten how to hunt. If I can catch a deer, I can catch a hunter."
“I thought it was illegal to eat humans?" said the second sister.
“Relax, I know tainted meat when I see it."
It was providential that the Pink Panther turned around and did spot some “tainted meat" aiming a rifle at him, and he suddenly threw himself to the ground just before everyone heard the sound of a rifle shot. True to their instincts, the Pink Panther's relatives scattered in different directions, while he himself lay on the ground, playing dead. He waited until he could hear the hunter walking through the vegetation, and then the Pink Panther jumped and ran away himself, knowing that the hunter would not have time to raise and aim his rifle quickly enough to shoot him. The Pink Panther moved into some nearby bushes, out of the hunter's sight, but where he himself could observe the hunter.
To his shock, he recognized the little bartender from the nightclub, now dressed in an Elmer Fudd-like hunting outfit. The Pink Panther would not have guessed that a man who worked in that sort of nightclub would actually be a big-game hunter as well...but then again, there was no logical reason not for that to be the case. But how good, and how determined, was this hunter? Was he just a yahoo with a gun, or was he a more professional hunter who knew how to track and who would be patient enough to wait a long time until he had his chance? The hunter hesitated, then went through some bushes in the opposite direction. The Pink Panther noted his movements and realized that the hunter was no yahoo-he knew how to move through the forest, so he decided to move and locate his other relatives so he could warn them of this fact. He found the route one of his relatives took already, and followed the trail until he reached one of his relatives, namely Daddy, who smiled when his son found him.
“So living in civilization hasn't dulled your senses after all," he said.
“Civilization has its hazards too," replied the Pink Panther. “In any case, I watched the hunter's movements, and he's no amateur. So we've got to be extra careful."
“But he must know he's illegally hunting here."
“I'm sure he does. He probably also knows that the forest preserve manager hasn't been doing his job. But if the forest preserve manager won't do his job, the police will, once I contact them."
“How?"
“It will take all day to make it back to civilization, but if my hunch is right, the hunter won't give up until he bags someone. Find everyone else and tell them to keep out of the hunter's sight."
Suddenly, there was some movement among some growth not far away, and Daddy, to his son's shock, actually ran toward it. But the movement came not from the hunter, but from a deer who was passing by, and it ran away when it knew it was being pursued. The deer ran away, Daddy chasing after it, but the deer was proving too quick. Then the deer suddenly fell through some seemingly solid ground into a pit beneath, and Daddy ran into it as well-but fortunately his son was right behind him, and grabbed him before he could fall all the way inside. The Pink Panther narrowly managed to pull his father back out of the pit, and they fell to the ground beside it.
Recovering from their confusion, the two panthers lay prone on the ground and looked into the pit. It was deep enough so that the deer, a young doe, had fallen upside-down into it. It was obviously alive, but one of its legs was apparently broken and it could not possibly jump or climb out of the hole.
“What on Earth were you doing?" asked the Pink Panther angrily. “This is not time to go after any food animals, not when we're already in such danger! Weren't you listening to me just now?"
Daddy sagged in embarrassment. “I know, I know, but that's how bad the food situation is!"
His son turned and examined the pit again. “And that's nothing compared to how bad our situation is!"
“What do you mean?"
“The deer just did us a favor. Look at the trap!"
“I know, it's a pit trap."
“And who do you think dug it?"
“It could be an old one left by some other hunter," said Daddy, before inspecting to pit again. “No, it's not an old trap. It's freshly dug!"
“Undoubtedly by the same hunter who's out there now. He's more determined than I thought! Probably intends to kill all of us if he can!"
“And you cannot possibly contact the police from here?"
“How?" Then a thought came to the Pink Panther. “When I saw him, he was just carrying his rifle. But he would have needed tools and supplies to be able to dig this trap in the first place. He must have some sort of encampment somewhere!"
“Which means?"
“No human would carry a huge bunch of equipment here from the city on foot. He'd need a car or truck to take everything!"
“So find it and our problems are solved?"
“It will help, that's for sure. Go try to find the others. I'll find the hunter's vehicle!"
They split up and the Pink Panther ran off in the direction of the highway. En route, he came across his sisters-one of whom was dangling by one leg from a rope noose around her ankle, high off the ground. The other sister kept jumping up, but could not get high enough to reach. They turned to see their pink brother.
“It's that hunter again!" the Pink Panther said angrily. He grabbed a thin piece of stone from the ground and told the sister on the ground to boost him up. Though smaller than her brother, the sister was able to pick him up by the feet, and the Pink Panther even then had to stretch to reach the rope which was holding the second sister's ankle. On top of that, the stone piece did not work very well as a blade, but eventually it cut through the rope, and by the time it did, the three panthers fell to the ground in exhaustion.
“Listen," the Pink Panther said when he caught his breath, “that hunter who shot at me-he's set some snares too. Daddy almost got caught in another one."
“So now what are we going to do?" moaned the recently-snared sister.
“He might have set a bunch of others, and sooner or later we'll all get caught!"
“The three of us stay together. We'll go to the highway-whatever vehicle the hunter used must be parked near it. My plan is to find it and we'll go from there."
So the three panthers went straight towards the highway, the idea being that the hunter would not dare set any snares to close to where his fellow humans might go. But sooner than anybody anticipated, they found a panel van parked in a clearing away from sight of the highway.
“Would that necessarily belong to the hunter?" asked one sister.
“Very likely," said the Pink Panther. “If it were anybody else, they wouldn't park so far from the highway." He then walked up to the van and looked through the windshield. “That's odd."
“What is?"
“There's a partition separating the driver's area from the rest of the van. And the passenger's side has a bunch of tools and hunting equipment stuffed in it."
“So?"
“This looks like some sort of delivery van, and a hunter wouldn't be using that to go on a hunt. I think we'd better look inside." The panthers tried pulling the doors open, unsurprisingly finding them locked. Failing to open the van, the Pink Panther shooed his sisters away, then, finding a heavy branch which he had trouble lifting, decided to swat at the windshield, to no effect. Becoming more desperate, he found a large rock, which he threw at the windshield-and to his shock, the rock shattered without even scratching the windshield. He then found a heavier rock, which he threw with all his might at the windshield-and it shattered like the other one did.
“That can't be!" said the Pink Panther at the end. “This van looks normal, but it's armored somehow! There's something really fishy about that hunter, if this is his van!"
“Like, he's trying to kill us?" reminded one of the sisters.
“Yes, I know. Let's find the others. This hunter is an expert at setting traps, so-" The Pink Panther smiled maliciously. “Let's beat him at his own game!" The panther ran back into the woods, unaware that there were more vehicles parked in the vicinity, though out of sight of the van. One of them contained the man whom the Pink Panther had made kiss his foot one thousand times.
An hour later, the hunter was looking at one of the traps which he had set up, but which failed to catch any panthers. He then spotted a clump of dried vegetation fly past him-then another and then another. He turned to see where they had come from-and then saw the Pink Panther waving mockingly at him from behind a tree with a Y fork-shaped trunk. Angered, the hunter raised his rifle, but the Pink Panther ducked down. The hunter walked closer to the tree, rifle still aimed-and another clump of vegetation flew and struck him. He then ran up to the tree and climbed onto the fork... Then a weight fell onto his back and bounced off, then another, then several more. The hunter was confused, and the Pink Panther took advantage of it to take the rifle from the hunter's hands. The hunter tried to climb out of the tree fork junction-only to find that he was stuck. Then the Pink Panther's black relatives gathered within view of the hunter, who realized that they had jumped onto his back from above when he was leaning on the tree fork-and now he was the one who was trapped. The Pink Panther grinned evilly and pointed the rifle into its owner's face.
“No! Please don't!" begged the hunter, “I surrender!"
The Pink Panther lowered the rifle. “Never expected your prey to outsmart you, did you? But since you are trapped and helpless, I can leave you here. Since I heard the forest preserve manager isn't doing his duty in protecting the local wildlife from poachers, I'll have to talk to the police in the nearby city. I'm sure they'll be interested." He paused and added, “And we happened to find a van near the road, which we believe is yours. Despite my best efforts, I couldn't break into it! Is it armored or something?"
The hunter looked more frightened than when the rifle was aimed at his face. “Tell you what," he said, “how about you get me unstuck, and I give you my word I'll leave immediately and never hunt here again?"
“Something tells me that I shouldn't take you at your word," replied the Pink Panther. “Especially since you seem to have a very valuable secret in that van of yours that you would prefer to remain secret."
“Yes, I do. How about I give you some funds, and you never discovered the van?"
“How can I be sure you won't play it safe and just wipe us out?"
“You can work for me!" offered the hunter. “You can make easy money, and I'll definitely not hunt here again, since I assume the forest preserve manager is going to be replaced soon anyway by somebody more willing to do his duty!"
“You've been paying him to look the other way?"
The man laughed. “Wouldn't waste the money. He's just some political hack whom the local politicians needed to take care of. But they'll kick him out rather than risk bad publicity."
“And what's this about working for you?" the Pink Panther asked. “Whatever business you're in involves breaking the law, right? And people like you I don't trust. You'd probably use me for a while, and when I'm of no further use, that would be the end of me!"
“Look, you've proven yourself clever. You'd be more useful than most of the idiot punks I have to deal with. Take me out of this tree, come with me, and I'll make it worth your while."
“I'm not that kind of person. I'd rather turn you in, and if you're lucky, whatever bosses you have won't decide to rub you out! By the way, did you bring an extra pair of trousers?"
“What's that got to do with anything?"
The Pink Panther grinned. “It occurred to me that with your being stuck in that tree like that, you won't be able to undo your trousers to use the bathroom, and it's going to take me hours to walk back to town."
The hunter got angry. “I'll make sure you don't survive for this!"
The Pink Panther got angry himself. “Aaah, shuddup!" And he took the rifle, swung it in an arc, and hit the hunter on the head with its butt- Which turned out to be a mistake, for it dislodged the hunter from the tree and sent him flying through the air, and he got lost in the bushes some distance away. Recovering quickly, the hunter got up and ran off. The Pink Panther raised the rifle, but the hunter was long out of sight.
“What do we do now?" his brother asked.
“Don't stay here, he'll come back after us. Go somewhere else, and watch out for any possible traps. I'll go after him!"
The panthers scattered, and the Pink Panther looked around until he found the place where the hunter had landed, and the trail he left in the forest. As anticipated, the hunter's trail led toward the road, and the Pink Panther hoped his adversary had decided to cut his losses and get into his van and leave. But in case the hunter did not, the Pink Panther decided his only course of action would be to walk the long distance to town and contact the local law enforcement.
The hunter did go to his van, take out his keys, and unlock his vehicle. But instead of getting in and driving away, he opened the back of the van to take out another gun, larger and more powerful than a mere hunting rifle. Looking inside the van, one could see a whole arsenal of firearms neatly packed away. In fact, the interior of the van and what it contained had been caught by a video camera hidden inside a nearby tree. Furthermore, the image was shown on a video monitor inside a police vehicle-being watched by the very same man who the Pink Panther had made kiss his foot one thousand times the night before. The man picked up a radio and barked orders.
The Pink Panther had been following the hunter's trail toward the van-but then heard the sound of a person run through some vegetation, though trees and bushes had blocked the view of whoever it was. Was it the hunter, or possibly somebody else? Changing his original intention, the Pink Panther decided to pursue whoever it was instead.
The hunter decided he really had to wipe out the Pink Panther and his family now-not out of revenge, but out of fear. He figured they did not know the whole truth, but enough to bring his racket to an end and put him in prison. If they could not be silenced, he was doomed. Trying not to panic, he searched for any footprints...and found some. He followed them to a clearing where...
The hunter could not believe his luck. Five black panthers were gathered there, and the hunter raised his gun and fired-not one bullet, but a stream of them. The panthers crumpled to the ground, but to the hunter's surprise, made no sound nor shed any blood. Disbelievingly, the hunter walked over, and to his dismay found that the “panthers" were simply dummies made from stones and branches and covered with dark dirt. The hunter fumed at having been tricked, but then realized the real ones were still around somewhere and had to be removed, so he set out after them.
The real black panthers had in fact faced trouble. Instead of scattering, they stayed together, which turned out to be providential when one of them had fallen into a pit trap, and the others had to dig her out. They succeeded, but figured the hunter would not give up after all, and anticipated that their pink relative would be going into town, and their plan was to stay away from the hunter until it were nightfall or until help arrived. The dummy versions of themselves had been set up as a way of determining if the hunter were still after them, and the sound of the bullets firing proved it to be the case, It also indicated where the hunter was, so they could stay away from him-or get the drop on him if he got careless again.
After a bit of wandering, the black panthers happened to see a figure in a small clearing-could it be the hunter? Was it an illusion? But it could not be-the figure was wearing the hunter's unmistakable real clothing, and was facing in the opposite direction of them. Realizing they had the drop on the hunter-they pounced upon him...
“Hey! That dummy idea of yours was clever!"
But the sound came not from the figure they had pounced upon, but from behind them. They turned to see the hunter, stripped to his underwear, though still holding his gun. They started to run off, but the hunter fired his gun, and a stream of bullets came out-hitting the trees and ground around them. It was clear the hunter was not trying to kill them, but to prove he could in fact kill all of them at once with his weapon. The black panthers stood frozen in place, realizing that for whatever reason, their adversary was not intending to kill them as long as they stayed put. But why? There was nothing they could do but stay where they were and wait.
The Pink Panther went into a panic as he rushed toward the latest sound of bullets. But then he realized he might end up in some other trap unless he were careful, so he slowed down and walked more calmly as he found the hunter's footprints again, keeping an eye on his surroundings as well. When he was near where he thought the shots had come from, he crouched down and followed the footprints on all fours until he saw them go around a large tree. Moving with utmost care, the Pink Panther followed them until he saw-was that the hunter? Approaching closer, he saw that it was, with his back toward him. Standing up and aiming his rifle, the Pink Panther tiptoed close enough so he could see the hunter aiming his gun at his family, who were alive and unhurt but frozen with fear, staring at the hunter.
“All right, Elmer Fudd!" shouted the Pink Panther. “I got the drop on you! Put your gun on the ground or receive one bullet in your back!"
But the hunter only moved sideways so that the large tree was between him and the Pink Panther, who moved even closer so that the hunter would be within rifle range...
And the ground shot up beneath the Pink Panther's feet and raised him into the air and wrapped itself around him, holding him helpless. After a moment's confusion, the Pink Panther realized that he had been lured into another trap-namely a net trap concealed in the dirt, which sprung up when he had stepped upon it and instantly wrapped itself around his body, leaving only his head exposed. Worse yet, his rifle had been knocked from his grasp and he was unarmed and helpless.
The hunter laughed malevolently. “Now who's got the drop?" he asked.
“Okay, you win!" said the Pink Panther. “Now what?"
“As you might have guessed by now," the hunter replied, “my hobby happens to be big game hunting."
“With a machine gun?"
“Not normally. Although you and your family certainly did give me a great challenge which I ultimately won."
“In case you didn't notice," replied the Pink Panther, “I happen to be a registered member of civilization. Try putting my head on a wall!"
“Oh, I won't. But your relatives aren't, and besides, you know too much already. I don't dare let you live now!"
“Know what?" pleaded the Pink Panther. “All you've done so far was illegally hunting and placing traps in this forest preserve. All you have to do is leave and I won't say anything!"
“I noticed that you tried to break into my van."
“And completely failed! I give you my word I have no idea what's in it!"
The hunter grinned again. “Since you're going to perish anyway, I might as well tell you." He indicated his machine gun. “It's full of these and other weapons! My nightclub is only a front. My real business is in selling unregistered weapons! The van contains only one small shipment!"
“A shipment that somebody else might be interested in while you're here with us!"
“Yes, you're right. I shouldn't waste any more time taunting you while I already have my victory. Goodbye, panthers!"
“DROP THAT GUN!"
The hunter and the panthers were shocked, as the voice was clearly amplified and did not come from any of them. They looked toward the direction of the voice and saw a man with a megaphone. Then they looked around and saw, around the perimeter of the clearing, a group of police officers with rifles aimed in their direction. “I REPEAT! DROP THAT GUN!"
The hunter was nonplussed, then he turned toward the Pink Panther. “You set me up!" he growled.
“But I didn't!" replied the Pink Panther, who was as clearly shocked as the hunter was. “I never knew the police were around!" The hunter realized the Pink Panther was telling the truth, and his fury grew as he realized how he had just incriminated himself. He still had his gun, he could let bullets fly and take out the panthers, the policemen....and he himself would be killed. Controlling his fury, the hunter threw the gun so that it landed yards away from him, knelt down on the ground, and placed his hands on his head.
The police officers quickly swarmed the clearing, and the Pink Panther was deeply relieved-until he saw that one of them was the man he had made kiss his foot one thousand times the night before, and that this same man went up to him and showed him a police badge.
“You're a policeman?" asked the Pink Panther.
“Yes," was the reply. “I was working undercover at the nightclub last night."
The Pink Panther grinned sheepishly. “W-well, g-g-g-good morning, officer!"
“You call this a good morning? I was up all last night picking pink hairs out of my mouth! Not to mention fleas!"
Later on, the Pink Panther and the policeman were at the police station loading dock. Parked in one bay was an animal-carrying truck with a cage in the back carrying the Pink Panther's family, while a second such truck was parked in a second bay, carrying the female deer that had been caught in the pit, its broken leg now with a splint on it. On the platform between the trucks and the doors leading into the main building, there was a table set up with the Pink Panther seated in one chair while the policeman was in the other.
The Pink Panther was looking around nervously. “Um, what's going to happen next?"
“You might be a registered member of civilization," replied the policeman, “but that's not the case with the rest of your relatives!"
“Oh please," whimpered the Pink Panther, “they did what they did because I had them do it! Punish me, but let them go!"
“What did they do, anyway? Adopt you? How come you're pink and the rest of them are black?"
The policeman looked toward the black panthers, and Mommy replied, “I don't know. They all came from the same litter."
“And the pink one grew up in the wild too?"
“Yes," replied the Pink Panther. “But when I reached adulthood, I found it rather difficult to hunt, with my coloring making it so easy for prey to spot me. And when I applied to become a member of civilization, I got in easily."
“And yet you were going to have your relatives eat me, weren't you?"
The Pink Panther started cringing, and the policeman looked him with surprise and suspicion. “Well?" he finally asked.
“N-no," replied the Pink Panther in a very small voice.
“What?" said the policeman, stunned.
“We never intended to kill and eat you for real," broke in the Pink Panther's father. “We did it just to scare you because we thought you were a danger to him!"
The policeman was nonplussed as he looked at the Pink Panther, who was practically laying on the floor. “You mean to tell me that you put me through the most degrading experience of my entire life, all because of a threat you never intended to carry out?"
“Yes!" whimpered the Pink Panther.
“Why?"
“You made a very insulting remark about my coloring, and that's a very big sore spot with me!"
“And you happened to enter a nightclub which was meant for a certain type of clientele. You must have certainly seen that once you were inside."
“It was the only shelter there was from the heavy rain!"
“And you went up to me and accepted my offer to buy you a drink."
The Pink Panther stopped cringing, but still remained on the floor.
“Okay, I confess I was going to run off on you after I got my free meal. But I absolutely had no funds and I was starving."
The policeman paused before continuing. “Kindly sit back in your chair."
The Pink Panther got up and did so. “But one thing puzzles me. At the nightclub, I was waiting for a police informer to contact me, and he was described as a 'man in pink'."
“Well, that sort of describes me..."
“And as it happens, when I gave you the code words, you responded with the exact words the informer was supposed to say in response."
The Pink Panther looked stunned. “Well, it must have been a coincidence. But if you thought I was supposed to have been a police informer, what were you expecting me to tell you?"
“Information that would put a mobster in the business of selling unregistered guns out of business and into jail."
“And that bartender was the mobster in question?"
“That's right. And he admitted to you that his nightclub was a front for his business."
“Um, what happened to the real informer?"
“He was waiting for hours for me in that nightclub. And it was a very long wait for him, knowing that the mobster got suspicious of him. He was extremely lucky he managed to escape! If the mobster had gotten hold of him..." The policeman gave a deep shudder. “We had to pay him three times his normal fee. And he earned it!"
“But you have that mobster in your custody now, do you?"
As if on cue, voices were heard through the door leading into the station. “You mollycoddle these dangerous wild animals while you parade my client around the police station in his underwear! This is a disgrace!"
“Who's that?" asked the Pink Panther.
“The mobster's lawyer."
“Figures. But the mobster was caught with an armored van full of weapons and carrying one in hand, illegally poaching in a nature preserve. You don't have to let him go, do you?"
“Can we hold him and not release him? Probably. It was thanks to you that we got a confession out of him, and we've been after him for years. That's why I am willing to overlook what you did to me."
“Thank you, thank you," the Pink Panther whimpered again.
“So was that comment I made about your pink fur really so offensive?"
The Pink Panther stiffened. “In a word, yes. I am extremely sensitive about it, and I really, really didn't like your comment about it. Why did you make it in the first place?"
This time the policeman looked embarrassed. “All right, it was a deliberate insult. We police often require the use of paid informers, but the fact of the matter is most police informers are criminal scum as bad as the people they inform on. We need them, but we hate them."
“The informer was another mobster?"
The policeman snorted. “No, he's certainly not strong or smart enough to be a real mobster. In fact, he loved the idea of bringing down someone bigger than he was, even more than the money."
“So what happens now?"
“First of all, we're taking your relatives to the local zoo."
“Zoo?" erupted the Pink Panther's mother. “We're not zoo animals! We belong in the forest preserve!"
“Unfortunately, the mobster put a bunch of animal traps in your nature preserve, and we will have to remove them so the resident animals don't get injured. Also, it allows us to file more criminal charges against the mobster, as well as get the forest preserve manager out of office for not doing his job, and hopefully get someone in place who will."
“HA!" shouted all the panthers in unison.
“Until then unfortunately, you'll have to stay in the zoo. Hopefully not for long."
The policeman turned to the deer. “You'll have to stay in the zoo until your leg heals, I'm afraid."
“What's a zoo?" asked the deer.
“A place where humans keep a select group of wild animals to look at and learn about. Don't worry, when you're there you will be kept entirely protected from predatory animals and given enough food and water until you can go back into the forest preserve."
“Gee, sounds like a place I might want to stay at."
“You might find the place too different than what you're accustomed to," replied the Pink Panther.
“As for you," the policeman told the Pink Panther, “You're going to have to go to the zoo as well, though of course not among the exhibits. At least until we find you a better hiding place until you go to court and testify against the mobster."
“And my family remains at the zoo until then?"
“Certainly not. They'll go back into the forest preserve as soon as it's safe. If nothing else, they'll be much harder for anyone to find there than they would be at the zoo."
The mobster's lawyer's voice again was heard through the door. “You can't keep my client in handcuffs! And if you don't take him out of them, you're going to find out what I can do in a courtroom!"
The policeman glowered at the door. “Sheesh, I wish I could have you and your relatives have those people for dinner!"
The Pink Panther brightened. “That gives me an idea!" And he explained the idea to the policeman, who looked at him in horror.
“Are you crazy?" he shouted back. “I could be off the force for this! And worse!"
The lawyer's voice traveled through the door once again. “My client will sue the whole lot of you for treating my client this way!"
“Okay," said the policemen, “I'll take that chance!"
Minutes later, on the other side of the door, two policeman, one short and skinny, the other big and fat, were escorting the mobster through the hallway, file cabinets lining each side of them. The lawyer, trailing behind everyone else, kept talking...and abruptly fell silent as the Pink Panther and his family suddenly jumped from concealment on top of the file cabinets and landed on all fours onto the hallway floor in front of the humans.
The policemen disappeared as the panthers started growling and menacingly approached the mobster and his lawyer. The mobster turned and tried to run away but tripped and fell, and the panthers surrounded the mobster, who screamed in panic as they extended their claws and slashed the air threateningly near his face. The lawyer also tried to flee, but the Pink Panther managed to get in front of him.
“No!" begged the lawyer. “I don't taste very good!" He pointed toward the mobster. “Look over there! He's probably a very tasty morsel!"
By then policemen filled both ends of the hallway, weapons drawn. On cue, the policeman from the loading dock opened the door and emerged.
“What did I say about scaring people!" he shouted at the panthers, who suddenly cringed in apparent abasement. Hew went up to the father and slapped him on the side of the head. “Naughty!" The other policemen were paralyzed, stunned at their colleague's behavior and how vicious wild panthers were acting completely like chastened little children.
“Sorry!" replied the father in the most humble manner he could manage.
“Sorry? Looked at how you frightened my colleagues!" He pointed upward at where the mobster's escorts were cowering on top of the file cabinets. More softly, the first policeman said, “It's okay, these animals are just harmless lovable little fuzzballs. They act frightening, but they won't harm a hair on your head."
“I'm not fooled!" shouted the skinny policeman.
“Oh, come on, let me show you!" But the first policeman was too short to reach his colleague on top of the file cabinet, so the father put his arms around him and lifted him up. This time, he was able to grab hold of his colleague and pull him down, and he fell into the arms of the mother, who smiled benignly at him and gave him a couple of face licks before setting him down.
“You see?" the first policeman told the fat one. “Now you know they won't harm you. You can come right down!"
The fat policeman struggled. “I can't. I'm stuck!" The panthers then scrambled and climbed atop one another to reach the fat policeman. It turned out to be such a difficult struggle that they really strained to get him out. They finally succeeded, only for the policeman to fall on the ground and roll down the hallway and suddenly stop. One of the other policemen broke from the group and helped the fat one up. It turned out that he had rolled on top of the lawyer, who was now pancake flat on the floor. The Pink Panther then produced a bicycle pump, connected the hose to the lawyer, and pumped until the lawyer was restored to his normal self.
“See?" shouted the first policeman. “Harmless, lovable little fuzzballs!"
The other policeman laughed, their fear gone, and the panthers and the first policeman all disappeared through the door to the loading dock. The two escorts resumed their position around the mobster, picking him off the floor, and the lawyer stood behind the others. All the other policemen went away, leaving the hallway empty except for the original group.
“Can anybody at least find me a clean pair of boxer shorts?" asked the mobster weakly to the skinny policeman, then said suddenly, “I hope your radio didn't pick that up!"
“Don't worry, mine was turned off-hey!"
Suddenly, the Pink Panther burst through the loading dock door and ran up to the skinny policeman, flipping the switch to turn the radio off. “Oh, silly me, I must have accidentally turned your radio on earlier. Every policeman must have heard what he said just now. Not to mention all the people who have police scanners!"
“Out!" shouted the skinny policeman, and the Pink Panther scurried back through the door, closing it behind him.
Then the mobster glared at the lawyer. “So I'm a 'very tasty morsel', eh? You're fired!"
Back in the loading dock, all the black panthers were back in their truck, while the Pink Panther fell to the ground, rolling with laughter.
“In a way, I almost feel sorry for him," replied the policeman.
“He didn't try to wipe out all your relatives, so I'll overlook that one," retorted the Pink Panther. “As for me, I'm happy! I'm overjoyed! Happy as a pig in...mud! I'm tickled pink! If you'll pardon the expression." Then he ran over to his relatives. “You pulled it all off perfectly! Oh, thank you thank you thank you!" And the Pink Panther kissed each member of his family. Then he ran over to where the deer was. “And thank you for falling into the trap so that my family didn't get hurt instead!" And he kissed the deer.
Then he ran over to the policeman. “And thank you!" He was about to kiss the policeman, but hesitated. “You really were pretending, weren't you?"
The policeman reached into his coat and pulled out a photograph. “Look, me, my wife, and my children. Is that proof enough?" The Pink Panther replied by giving the policeman the biggest kiss of all.
But the policeman was not grateful. “Thanks a lot! Now I've got a whole new set of pink hairs in my mouth!"
“Oh, I'm sorry," said the Pink Panther. “Here, let me get them out for you." And he stuck his fingers into the policeman's mouth, only to be pushed away.
“Stop! You're only adding more hairs that way!"
Unnoticed until now, the deer had stepped out of her truck, walked over to the Pink Panther, and grabbed him from behind. “How about a few more kisses for me?" she asked. “I don't mind a few hairs!"
"Oh no you don't!" shouted the father. “Not with a food animal!"
“Hey, the Pink Panther charm never fails," then quickly added. “Even when I want it to."