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Broken Pieces

Chapter Twenty-Three

By Roofles

“Hey, let’s get out of here.” PB had brought up that very afternoon back at Wolf Street, staring down at his phone as he read over something for the fourth time. The nutty brown fur wolf stopped, looking over at his human companion as a cold breeze blew his ratty fur. PB shivered from the chill, tugging the jacket Alan had gotten him closer.

It smelled like the human. There were other odors on it, of other wolves, but PB ignored those. Focusing on the single smell that had stayed with him after all these years. No matter how much time passed or how distant the two of them became, PB had never forgotten that scent. Alan’s scent. And with it, all the memories attached came flooding back nearly sweeping the wolf off his weak legs in the nostalgic current of their lives.

It was just the two of them out back of the central house. It was strange to see an Alpha holed up in such a place. A simple three-story house that was far smaller on the inside than it looked on the outside. It was unbecoming of an Alpha and PB figured Reese would end up tearing the place down and constructing a mansion of a house in it’s place. No matter the damage it would cause to the neighborhood, so long as the Alpha had a “throne” to sit on…

Still, it was nice here. For now. Safe despite the constant looks he got from the other wolves. They’d mutter behind his back, words PB couldn’t hear any longer with the damage done to his ears. The damage they had done to him.

It made him tense, his body reacting on a physical level. At times he began to hyperventilate, and it was only thanks to a gentle touch from the human that he was able to snap out of the panic attack setting in. The PTSD from that night stuck to his body. Despite his best efforts to hide it, it was clear to anyone watching that he’d flinch and cower away from any wolf that drew too close to them.

So, Alan had decided it was best to send the others away. To give them some semblance of privacy. Just the two of them.

Alan and PB sat out back at one of the picnic tables that had been set up for use. Alan was sure that a pair of wolves had stolen it from some park but hadn’t questioned them about it. The two would snicker about it whenever they saw the thing and it was rather obvious that the two younger wolves thought they had committed some great feat by stealing the thing.

In the end, it really had been Alan’s fault. In a way.

He had off handedly joked about it one day how it “would be nice” to have one out back and the next day it was there. No one had told him where it had come from and Alan could only assume the pair had run off to brown nose Reese about what they had done. Trying to impress the Alpha through him. Like so many others tried to do.

It was very strange living here at times. Overwhelming, exhausting and yet… fun. It was nice not knowing what tomorrow would bring. His life wasn’t stagnant any longer as it had been before he’d met Reese in the office. A simple encounter was all it had taken to shake up everything.

It was nice… that’s what this feeling was. Not just content, but, dare Alan say? Happiness.

Glancing over at the wolf across the picnic table, Alan smiled. A chance encounter had changed up his life so much, he wondered how this one would. Even if PB didn’t come here for him… it was nice to see his old, dear friend again.

He missed this so much it hurt, a dull ache in his chest that Alan had nearly forgotten about. A scar that had only recently begun to heal in recent years. Alan doubted it would ever fully heal, but, maybe, he could speed that process along by helping PB. If only to keep him company during his visit.

Would… would he stay? The very thought lingered in the back of Alan’s mind. A thought filled with hope and fear. Hope for what it would mean for the two again and fear what that would bring them. Alan and PB weren’t lovers any longer. They were barely friends. More like, acquaintances.

If he stayed, though, would that… could that mean? What if PB and him reconnected? Where would that leave Reese? The others? There was so much on the line here. So much about it. Now that the shock of PB showing up at their door had subsided, these thoughts came creeping in like hungry wolves in the dark looking for something to sink their teeth into.

Alan didn’t know which of the two prospects he worried about more. If PB stayed…? Or if he didn’t…

“Alan?” PB asked and Alan shook the thoughts from his head, trying to enjoy these brief moments together.

“Where did you have in mind? To go, I mean. Maui? Tokyo? If I recall…” Alan tapped a finger to his chin as PB rolled his eyes at the human’s playful antics. “You always wanted to go to Australia. For some reason I never understood.”

“I did have an aussie phase.” PB wasn’t proud to admit as he laughed looking down at the warm drink in hand. He had mentioned he was cold, being the beginning of December, and Alan had run back inside to grab him a coat and a warm drink.

His coat, knowing that the other wolves wouldn’t want PB wearing their clothes or carrying their scent. Alan didn’t mind if PB smelled like him… maybe he was behaving so canine like since he hung out with so many. Alan tried not to think about it.

Or the way PB had thanked him, receiving both the coat and the warm drink. It had been so simple. The simplest offers of kindness and PB’s face had lit up after flinching when Alan offered it to him.

This wolf was so beaten down and abused that even the slightly act of kindness warmed his frozen heart, thawing it from the countless years of hardship it had to endure to survive. Much like the other wolves here. Years on years of struggling to get what you were owed, what you deserve, to survive… it left them cold and jaded to the outside world.

Alan hoped he could break through PB’s defenses to touch that warm creamy center he knew the nutty brown furred wolf still had.

“Thanks,” PB had said and his good eye had lit up with such warmth that it brought tears to Alan’s eyes.

“O-f course, PB. Anything for you.” Alan just said. Said the words and meant every one he had said. It was a knee jerk reaction. Seeing him again. Seeing that look in his eye. Taking him back nearly twenty years to the wolf he snuck out late at night to see. To meet up in their field and spend the rest of the night keeping each other warm.

Because, in this life, there had been no one else who would.

PB insisted they stay outside Alan’s home. He didn’t like going into the main house. There were too many smells mixed into such a place. Smells involving Alan and others. Things PB rather not think about or focus on during all this. Wanting to live in this moment, to pretend nothing else existed or matter. Not admitting to Alan, or himself, why he chose to stay outside in the cold, instead of in the warmth and safety those walls provided.

Being in those walls, filled with memories, was a harsh reminder that Alan had a life outside of him. “If walls could talk,” PB chuckled bitterly to himself.

“What?” Alan asked and PB just shrugged it away. Trying to ignore his concerns as the two chatted.

Like two school friends meeting up when one came for a visit in their home town.

PB’s pups were off playing in the yard. The dogs that had once been at the home had left their “party bucket” behind; a plastic bucket filled with dog bones and toys they would throw back and forth with each other. It gave the pups plenty of things to play and keep themselves occupy with.

It was strange, not seeing any of them around. The dogs. Only wolves. Even Clem was too busy these days to just drop by and say hi. PB had noticed and asked.

“Where are the others?”

“Busy,” was all Alan could say offering a tired, sad smile in turn. Life was cruel like that. As the years went by your connection with your friends would thin and that thread would be stretched. Only the closest and strongest of relationships could survive the passage of time.

Alan wondered, if their friendship did… when their relationship hadn’t.

Alan knew why the others weren’t here. How the wolves had practically ousted them from their home. Taking over the territory as their own. As painful as it was to get out of wolf territory, with all the checkpoints, it was far worse trying to get in. The wolves at the gates had to verify who they were and get permission from the Alpha before allowing anyone inside. Even if they were once residence that lived here.

It was just easier for the dogs to… not. Not try. Not bother with all the effort to drop by and say hi. Alan would still, sometimes, get text messages from them. Rarely did he ever go out to see them. Hang out at the BBQs they threw. Just staying stuck here, trapped even, as if this place were a cage instead of a home…

Alan could understand why PB wanted to get a breath of fresh air from it all. To be outside like this. Away from the others. It allowed the mind to wander, like at a prison in the yard. Allowing even those locked behind bars a chance to look up at the sky and dream of growing wings to fly away from it all.

It was a silly, wishful fantasy. Reality had a way to ground you. Clip your wings and laugh as you plummeted back to the ground, force to crawl in the muck with everyone else.

Alan’s eyes drifted down from the cloudy sky above to look at the nutty brown furred wolf. PB had tried to comb his fur today. Trying to look decent for the two hanging out. When he had shown up at their door, PB looked like a mess. As if he’d been tossed into a washer before being left outside to air dry.

Now he looked… neat. Trimmed and cleaned up. Even his outfit wasn’t as wrinkly as the one he’d shown up with. However, there were still signs something was amiss.

PB was scratching at his arm, not looking at Alan. Fidgeting and sucking on his gums. Nerves? Anxiety? It was hard to tell. That mannerism looked familiar, but Alan couldn’t place his finger on it. He just went with the safe bet and assumed, like the other dogs, PB was uncomfortable being here around all these wolves.

“Alan,” PB smiled at the human. It wasn’t as full or bright as it normally was and the strain behind it made Alan give into to the simple desire to want some space from it all. PB needed a break. Hell, Alan needed a break from it all!

Even a mother with seven kids still needed a weekend out with the girls to relax from it all. A break from life.

“Do you want to get out of here?” PB motioned over one of his shoulders as if suggesting the two hop the fence and make a break for it. Just as they had done during the school day. Ditching their classes and go off to do whatever dumb kids did when they were given such free time to spend.

“What about your pups?” Alan asked and PB scratched at his neck. Itching a spot to the point that, overtime, it had worn down the fur to show the darker flesh underneath. A single spot that PB focused on. Showing his unease and nerves from something he wasn’t telling Alan about.

The human could only guess to what that was…

He had been through so much. Alan just wanted to alleviate any burden PB was still holding onto. His words weren’t dripping with venom as they had been back then when they had met, but Alan could’ve been blind, deaf, and dumb and still would’ve known how much PB despised being here.

Just being around his old pack was making him tense, scratching and itching and just…

Alan reached over and stopped PB from scratching his arm again. Worried that even his broken nails would damage his skin. The wolf had been scratching to the point Alan could see the skin underneath, red and agitated from the act.

“Peanut,” Alan said the old nickname and the wolf looked at him with wide eyes. “Not in front of the pups…” He kept his voice low, nudging his head towards the pups playing in the yard. “I know things are… bad, right now. But we can’t do that in front of them. We have to be better than our parents were to us… right?”

“Right,” PB exhaled slowly, reaching over to place his other hand on top of Alan’s. Despite his missing fingers, his hand was large and heavy. The paw pads were coarse to the touch. Rough and worn down around the edges, they weren’t as loving and tender as they once had been.

It still felt nice. There was still a warmth that came with the weight of those heavy, tired hands on top of Alan’s. A familiarity to that touch. Recalling the days PB would lay down on him as they watched something on their phone together.

Alan blushed at the thought, not about to ask if PB wanted to cuddle like that again with him… yet, kind of wishing he did. That lingering ache in his heart made Alan wince. He tried to play it off.

“T-the pups can stay here, Alan. I already talked to Reese about it all,” PB grumbled. One of the stumps for ears twitched in annoyance. “They’ll be okay here. Safe... Even Reese wouldn’t hurt pups…” PB didn’t sound convinced and looked over at his puppies playing in the yard to make sure they were all accounted for.

They were still at that young stage in life. Running on all fours when they got too excited, wrestling and play fighting to show their dominance above the others, ranking themselves in the pack. They were still so young, innocent, and naïve to the world as they play fought with one another. PB had tried to shelter them the best he could from the harsher things in life and it showed.

Their bright fluffy faces, their already rather long tails wagging as they yipped and jumped on each other. Wrestling their brothers and sisters down before getting jumped themselves. One of them stole a bone toy and ran off on all fours with his sibling chasing behind.

Alan laughed seeing it and PB smiled softly at the sight.

Was this how their life was supposed to be? Was Alan and PB supposed to date, marry and have puppies like this? The two sitting outside as they watched their young ones run around and bark and yip at one another, nipping at each other’s heels before tucking tail and running away when they bit off more than they could chew?

It was so-

Then PB coughed. Covering his mouth with a hand as he coughed several times. Fumbling with his pants pocket, the wolf stood up to pull out the bottle of pills. He quickly popped two of them, taking a moment to collect himself before sitting back down at the picnic table.

His smile was gone. PB’s head lowering, and his shoulders fell. His strength leaving him as quickly as it had come. That brief moment of happiness ripped away as reality slapped the two of them in the face. Waking them up from the pleasant dream the two of them had been sharing together.

Of a life together… Until life came knocking at his door, reminding them of the cruelty of the world… and what it had done to them.

Some things that were broken couldn’t be fixed.

Carefully, reaching over, Alan placed his hand on top of PB’s once more. Waiting for the wolf to look at him. Trying to offer him the strength and assurance he needed at that moment. To be there for him as PB had been for Alan back in their youth. It was Alan’s turn to help him out.

“Reese would never hurt a child.” Alan promised him as he placed his other hand on top of PB’s and the wolf looked at him with strained eyes, holding back a whine. “I promise, Peanut. No one will hurt your puppies even while we’re gone. You trust me still… right?”

“Right, of course. Of course, I trust you, Alan.” PB smiled at him. It was a look filled with pain and Alan wanted to hug the wolf but resisted the urge to do so. The two were just friends now. Even as they consoled each other like this, as they used to do back in school together, they weren’t each other’s lifelines. The support they had needed to get through each and every day.

Always there for each other. Lending an ear to listen, a shoulder to lean on. The two had been inseparable and had only been able to get through their hardships in life because they had one another. PB dealing with the pack at home and Alan dealing with his abusive white trash parents. Even when Alan had shown up to school with a black eye, PB had been there for him. When PB had ended up getting kicked out of the pack for a week, he had been able to stay at Alan’s in secret.

The two always helping and covering for the other. Together. Forever…

When the two didn’t have something to eat that day, PB would steal something for them. Alan would chide him about it after, laughing as they stuffed their faces like a pair of squirrels. So hungry and cold they’d been. Finding comfort and warmth in each other…

Just being here together, even hours later as Alan and PB sat down at O’Hares buns and coffee café, was better than not. They each understood the other where others didn’t. Alan had felt disconnected from those in the pack, outside the main family. Having no one to talk to or with after the dogs had been forced out.

PB had no one anymore. His uncle was still missing, his husband had abandoned him and his puppies. These feelings weren’t things you talk to your children about. To worry them with. PB needed something, someone to vent to and Alan needed the same.

Over a warm cup of coffee, the two continued to chat.

It had taken some convincing and a lot of arm twisting and verbal threats to get Barrett to allow Alan and PB to head out together. The wolf, still Alan’s appointed bodyguard, only agreed if he and another wolf came along.

Barrett had tried to give the two some peace, keeping his distance while still being in ear shot if Alan needed anything. Or rather, if PB tried to do something. Barrett didn’t trust the wolf who’d shown up begging for scraps. Keeping one close eye on him as he stayed off to the side, watching the two with one eye with the other on the door.

The place was small and cosey. There was a warmth about it. The floor was made of some sort of cherry wood, matching the mahogany chairs and tabletops. Dark green table cloths draped down from each like small trees growing out of the floor. Even the chairs had been made to look like stumps.

There was a scent in the air that made Barrett’s nose wrinkle. Strong, like sandalwood but earthier. It made it hard to pick up scents here and the wolf kept rubbing his nose as his ears perked. Keeping a close eye on things, feeling anxious about this outing for reasons Barrett couldn’t explain.

“Some things don’t change, huh?” Alan said and PB chuckled at that. The two sitting at the far table, tucked into the corner. PB had his back to the wall, watching the front door. He said he felt more comfortable sitting like that.

Alan gave him the spot, only after teasing him about it. If sitting there made PB feel better, Alan would happily give up all his seats in the future to do so.

“I was thinking the same thing,” PB admitted as he pet over Alan’s hand on the table. He was missing a finger and despite Alan’s best efforts, it was impossible to miss that feeling. The empty feeling passing over where his finger should’ve been before his ring finger touched the spot. He didn’t even have a pinky on that hand. “I just wanted to have a day to forget about it all. To take a breather from it all! Relax and just… forget.”

“You want to go to a spa?” Alan offered and PB snorted. The wolf rolled his eyes at the question, but Alan could tell that PB would love that. Get pampered and loved on and cherished like the sweet nutty brown furred wolf he had been before.

The two looking out the side window at the thought of it. Of how Alan used to rub and pet the wolf. Scrubbing over his furry fluffy body as the human scratched and scritched and rubbed the wolf down. From head to toe. Alan hadn’t been shy when it came to PB after the wolf had cracked open his shell, letting the human be who he was.

Able to pick up a paw and sniff it, rub it and go up one leg. Scratching and rubbing the entire time. Alan would apply just enough strength with his grip. Feeling the meaty flesh of the muscular wolf underneath that double layered pelt of fur. Over his thighs, around his groin and up to his belly. Rubbing and scratching for minutes at a time before moving up to his chest to grope and love on. Squeezing PB’s pecs with both hands, fondling the wolf practically before moving up to rub over his shoulder and ease the tension the long days in the pack built up. Over his neck, to scratch behind his ears and just… and just…

Alan didn’t want to think of such thoughts. They always ended the same way. In pain, sorrow and misery. At what had been, at what had been lost. The easiest way to make a child cry was to give them the world, or an ice cream, before snatching it away just as quickly. To show them a fleeting moment of happiness before taking it away.

It always ended the same. Alan knew that. He knew that coming out today was a mistake. That it could only end in more heartache. There was no future for the two of them, together, and yet Alan still hoped for… something.

“Forgot how gay you were.” PB had to tease, to act tough in front of his friend. To keep his guard up at all time. Alan hoped, maybe one day, he would be able to lower them. Like he used to do. It was one of the things Alan had loved most about PB.

Just as how PB had cracked open Alan’s shell, Alan had been able to breach the wall of defense PB had set up. The two able to see each other as no one else could.

The fact the two of them could share anything together. Without the stigma of who or what they were. They didn’t have to pretend to be masculine or feminine or anything! They could just be themselves, with each other. Without that toxic masculinity that came with being part of the pack or what Alan’s parents tried to force on him.

Religion, politics, money, power, right and wrong… none of that had mattered to the two. For all that had wanted from each other, was the other.

“Hey! As I remember it, you were the one on his knees for me,” Alan gave a playful smile, recalling when PB had done the deed. It was the first BJ of his life, and it was awkward and painful with the wolf’s teeth constantly brushing against him.

PB insisted, though, he insisted that he could do it. He just needed to figure out how to get it into his mouth, at what angle to take it and for Alan to stop moving as the wolf kept him pinned with one hand against the tiled gym shower wall.

It had taken many attempts for PB to get Alan to let him try again in the future.

Reaching out a hand, Alan booped PB on the nose making the startle wolf pull back slightly. It was the caress of a hand against his muzzle that caused PB to jerk away.

“A-Alan!” PB jumped, looking over at Barrett and the other wolf he brought along with him, then around the empty café. Worried. Worried that someone would hear them, see them. To think that PB was a tail lifter. All their looks, their stares. Watching, judging, condemning him… threatening him, yelling at him, hating him, berating him and the violence that would come with it.

They’d see an old, crippled wolf and take advantage of that. Letting out their hate and frustration against carnivores against one who couldn’t fight back any longer. That was how PB saw things.

Alan saw things as they were. That, once a group of wolves had walked in, everyone else in the place had left. Hell, even the barista had dipped into the back room. Giving them plenty of space to be alone in. It was, at times, nice to have Barrett looming over his shoulder. No one wanted to tick a nearly seven-foot-tall wolf off.

“I suck dick all the time.” Alan said bluntly, stating the fact for what it was. The truth. Not hiding who he was or afraid of it. That he was human? A faggot? Dating a wolf? Alan wouldn’t hide these things as they once had. As PB felt the need to do. “If these flower munchers can’t deal with that? I’ll just leave.” He shrugged a shoulder, resting back. “Get up and fuck out of here. It’s that simple.”

Alan had more luxury about it thanks to Barrett being around and being a human. A wolf being the way they were was a different story. Both culturally speaking and the added pressure put on someone like PB over Alan. What was “expected” of the wolf from the human.

“Maybe you should leave here...” PB muttered, and the human asked him to repeat what he’d said. “Nothing, just… nothing. A stray thought I had,” he waved it away as he exhaled a long, slow breath. “Just wondering what life would’ve been like if…” PB trailed off, looking out the window. “What if. I wonder about what ifs all the time. It’s what I do, these days. Not like I have much else…”

Alan knew where he was going with this. Where his thoughts had led him. It was the same thoughts Alan had, even after all these years. The what ifs in life. They would forever be there. Annoying bug bites you’d scratch at and try to forget. They would heal and be forgotten, but never gone. Just an itch was all it’d take to get them nagging for attention again.

Alan took a slow drink of his hot coffee, preferring cold but not about to complain about it right now. He set the mug down, turning it this way and that. Looking in it’s surface. At the reflection in it, of himself, in the light nutty brown surface. How it distorted when he sloshed the light brown liquid around inside.

“I like to think… we’d have been happy together. In another time, another universe. Another us…” Alan wasn’t facing towards PB, instead looking out the window. At the street. And those passing by. Wondering who they were, where they were going and what kind of lives they had. Tall or short, fat or thin. Carnivores, herbivores, omnivores… each with their own life, future, hopes and dreams...

He took a sip of the hot beverage before looking down at it.

“I never wanted kids, PB. I don’t think I’ll ever want kids. Ever. Not… well, you know why.” He chuckled lightly, forcing a smile onto his tired face. “You know why. With my parents and everything… But you did. You always wanted that bright future for us. So, I’d have given in, in this hypothetical situation. I’d have let you win that argument. Oh, I’d have put up a fight!” Alan laughed. “But, in the end, I would’ve given in. I’d secretly talk to the doctor after and make sure they used your seed, not mine. Claim it was a roll of the dice that they ended up being wolves instead of… me.” Alan frowned sadly at the lukewarm thoughts. “You would’ve bragged about it… I’m sure. I’m sure you would’ve bragged about it. You’re your pups were better than mine. I’d have known but you… You’d have given me a nuggie after; most people would’ve thought we were just very close friends. Bros. Not lovers. That we were married and having kids together, they would’ve never guessed, and we wouldn’t tell them. Because, at the end of the day, it wasn’t any of their god damn fucking business who we loved…”

“Alan…” PB stared at the human who still refused to look at him.

“We’d end up in boring jobs, I’m sure. Despite what we said we’d do. We both know that a stable career would’ve been the smartest thing to do, for the pups. It would’ve been boring and tedious at times… like working in an office…” Alan almost laughed at the thought. “We’d hate it. Complain about it. Promise we’d quit one day but never would… But… but every night we’d come home to each other and know it was worth that endless grind. Being able to come home and argue over who would cook dinner.” Alan tapped a finger on his drink. “Who would do the dishes after. What chores needed to get done. What shows were we going to watch. Cuddle up on the couch together, sharing a blanket and, and…. And…”

This wouldn’t be the first time he had these thoughts. Over the years, it had changed here or there but, in the end, Alan had always thought it would be with PB. Not Reese. All these things, all these places he went to and saw. The people he met and the things he experienced… he thought it would be with PB, not that other wolf.

Seeing the Ocean, at that light house years ago. Going to Fright Night Festival, to spend thanksgiving as an actual family… celebrate every holiday together, to have a home to come to each and every night after that long, endless grind at the office…

It was thanks to Reese, not PB. In the end, it wasn’t his childhood sweetheart that had saved him but a wolf who had practically been a stranger at the time. One that had only needed a single act of kindness to turn Alan’s world around. For the better.

For the better…

And Alan hated that fact.

Hated the simple fact that… he was happier because it wasn’t PB in his life, but Reese that he was doing these things with. Despite the what ifs, the if ands or buts, and everything else… Alan preferred this life over the life he could’ve, would’ve possibly had with PB in another time, another place, or another life.

Alan withdrew his hand, sitting back in his seat.

Life could be so cruel, to remind him of these things, at such a time. Just like before, just like back then, or now… life had a funny way of slapping you in the face to remind you of who and what you were. Where you fit in the grand scheme of things and how little and insignificant you were to it all.

And how, despite it all, that could be okay…

“You know,” it had been Reese of all people to say these words. Not PB. ““In another life… I would’ve really liked to just continue to do these things. Dinners. Movie nights. Cuddle sessions…” The wolf had said as their hands touched, enjoying a rare chance to be together with Reese’s busy work schedule. “With you. To others… it might seem boring or pointless, meaningless chores that you have to do again and again… they’re the best part of my day. Because, it gives me time to spend with you.”

A simple dinner, a simple time together. Still in their house, their home on Wolf Street, in that place that, at times, felt like a cage… how the wolf could offer him such tender words that were as sweet, warm, and tender as the veal Reese had boughten for them to have.

Of the nights they spent together down in the basement. To the times they had set up decorations around the street. Making breakfast together. Getting coffee. Going to the store, grocery shopping or down to the hardware store to fix the shattered window upstairs… The times Reese had taken Alan to his therapy appointments. Picking up after, wiping away his tears that Reese didn’t understand. Buying him a treat on the way home like a father would for his son, trying to cheer him up because he didn’t know how else to help.

Or the time Reese had gone with him to pick up Ralph from the airport to see his friend. Seeing their friends, the dogs. Going camping together at a spot Alan hadn’t known about. Meeting the sheep dog Jasper. Going to Togo’s new place with his man, the one Clem was moving into.

The countless times they showered with one another. Played in the yard. Chased after the other dogs. Were chased by the dogs. The times Reese had shown off for Alan. Flexing for the human or putting someone in their place before wagging his tail and playing it off. Trying not to be a threatening carnivore that he was.

Then with Barrett and Salt and Pepper. Of the two brothers Reese had taken in. How Alan had accepted them into their family, dragging Reese along for “Family times” or “family gatherings.” Pretending to be a family that they both were and weren’t.

And how… that was okay.

Lying there, next to each other, facing one another. Looking into those icy blue eyes staring at him with such tender care that no one else could ever compare. How, despite Reese’s size and strength, the claws on his finger… that when he brushed a finger over Alan’s cheek, the human didn’t feel fear. Only the love the wolf shared for him.

And he with him…

The ups and down, the indifferences between them. How the two were so different from each other. Their sleep schedules. Their type of drinks and food, the shows they watched and even their favorite colors… and yet, everything seemed to make sense when they were together.

As if the two were the missing pieces in their lives for one another. Two puzzles that were unfinished alone, but together were whole…

“Even if I saw my whole life from start to finish, I wouldn’t change a thing…” Reese had rested back, staring off just as how Alan was doing now. “Because, if I did… despite the hardships, the scars and the pain… if I changed a thing, I wouldn’t have gotten to know you.”

If a simple flap of a butterfly’s wings could change everything, then Reese would’ve endured it all again. And again. And again. If it meant that, one day, the wolf would bump into the human in the copy room. Scenting him and following that smell to the small little storage room the copy machine was in.

Despite it all. What had come before and what would come after. Every bloody step had led Reese to that moment and… and for Alan, that was the best thing that ever could’ve happened.

Because, for Alan, Reese was the best thing that ever happened to him in his life. Not PB. He couldn’t admit that to himself, let alone PB at that moment. Or Reese… but in that moment, that time, sitting there in that café questioning his life choices, his decisions, and choices for the future… Alan realized what Reese had already known.

Despite it all, Alan would’ve chosen to do the same thing. The stupid ones. The painful ones. The heartfelt ones. Every good and bad or meaningless. For every step in their lives were experiences that lead them to be together.

And Alan smiled at that. Not at the words PB was saying, but at the epiphany he had almost making the biggest mistake of his life…

“You would cook. I’m a terrible cook.” PB gave a hollow laugh at the thought, his cheeks pulling up now in a smile. His smile was off because of the dentures he had to wear. “I end up just opening up a couple of cans of that cheap dog food and dumping it before the pups. They’re too young to know the difference… I sometimes try to make it all fancy looking. Danny… Danny was bothered when we ate from dog bowls. Wanting us to use forks and spoons as if that would somehow change things.” PB shook his head sadly side to side. “You wouldn’t have made us do that. You always-,” PB tried to jump on.

To focus on the what if scenario that the two had thought up. Alan just smiled in return, deciding there and then that… this couldn’t be. That he needed to stop this before he hurt PB again. That his friend, once more, had helped him realize the most important thing in his life.

It was thanks to PB that Alan could be happy. So, Alan wanted to try and make PB happy. He just… couldn’t be part of that.

“How did the two of you meet again?” Alan asked and PB glanced up at him, then down at the table once more.

“Oh, uh, I thought I told you already… It was at rehab. After everything that happened, I had to go through physical therapy to help recover. He was one of the trainers there. Things seemed to go well between us, at the start. Just…” PB bit his lip. “When things happened? Like, in the news or around the world? Life got… complicated for us. People didn’t accept us for being gay, let alone an interspecies couple. Let alone… a wolf dating a non-wolf. He would take these long vacations away, to get away from it all. Paid for by my uncle… And I… I would watch the pups, waiting for him to come back.”

“PB…” Alan frowned at that, unable to imagine such a life.

PB had settled for the first man that would accept him. Maybe projecting his own wants and feelings for Alan onto another human, sure, but in the end he had let this happen. His insecurities after what had happened left him a broken, damaged… dog. Not a wolf. Just an abused dog wanting, needing love. Accepting the fleeting good moments with all the bad, hoping those good times would come back.

To try and forget the abuse and neglect and mistreatment the bad times would bring, hoping and praying the good would be right around the corner again. Despite it all how much it hurt the first, second or third, tenth time it happened. Despite it all…

That was all PB had left.

“Uncle Gristle helped mediate things between us. I only found out later it was because Gristle was paying Danny off. Like, Danny was doing his job still… being with me. And Gristle was paying him for it. A care provider… a fucking baby sitter.” PB tensed, arms flexing, shoulders going stiff before he just deflated. All his fight going out of him as his head lowered down. Submissively and meek, like a beaten dog…

“Damn, I really missed out.” Alan said with a bright, cheery smile. PB looked up at him. “What? I could’ve been the one making bank just for being with the man I lov-,” Alan abruptly stopped himself. He covered his mouth. He’d been wanting to make a joke of it, to lighten the mood between them and ended up sticking his foot in his mouth instead. “Fuck, sorry… I have a lot on my mind right now.

“No. No, it’s okay Alan. I understand. I’m glad you told me that. Tell me these things still… I don’t have anyone else, outside Uncle Gristle and… and before Danny…” PB eyes fell downcast to the table once more. “Or had Danny… the pups are too young to understand. I don’t even know how to break it to them!”

“The guy can seriously go fuck himself.” Alan shook his head, not about to defend this stranger who hurt his friend this much. “He’s basically just some kind of strange gold-digging whore. Nothing else.”

“Alan!” PB laughed though, looking around the small café they had settled in for brunch. “You can’t just go saying stuff like that.”

“Which part?” Alan gave a cheeky smile back. “The gold-digging or the whore part?”

“All of it!” PB laughed and it was nice to see him like this. Relaxed, smiling and at ease. Alan could see flashes of who the wolf had once been. See flashes of who the wolf could’ve been. Before it all happened.

The light shone nicely off his darker nutty brown fur. In the right light, PB looked so much younger. His fur was lighter in color and the strands of gray got lost in the flow. And, when he smiled, Alan chest tightened. It was both such a wonderful sight to see, and a painful reminder of it all. Of everything.

“I’m glad we did this.” PB had to use his middle finger to wipe the tears from the corner of his eyes. “It’s been far too long since I’ve gone out and just… relaxed. Let alone laugh!”

“Yeah.” Alan agreed. He was just glad Barrett and the other guard had given them some space. Keeping an ever-watchful eye on the two without interfering with this much needed conversation.

PB checked his phone, tapping a finger next to the lit up screen before locking it once more and looking out the window. He took a moment, holding his breath. Alan could see the gears in his head turning as PB mentally worked something out before speaking up again. Alan gave him the time to find the words.

“This could be the norm, you know… for us.” PB suddenly brought up and Alan gave him a quizzically confused look. “Going out like this. Having a life. Being… like this, Alan.”

“Like what?” Alan wasn’t following.

“This. Us. Out here. Normal!” PB kept his voice low, not looking at anyone as he hissed the words out. “Away from… them.”

“From who?” Alan needed to ask, to make sure he was following. His discomfort began to come back, renewed, and refreshed. Things had been going so well between the two and PB just had to bring this up.

“Them!” PB growled the word out, trying to keep his anger in check as he gripped the table hard enough to pull the table cloth towards him. Alan could see Barrett shift from the spot he was standing at from the corner of his eye. The wolf now facing towards the door while keeping an eye on PB. “The pack! The others? Everyone else, Alan. We could just go. Like before. When you showed up at my door! The two of us. Like we talked about… like we dreamed of. To get out of here and a-away from it all! Somewhere where they can’t find us.”

“Talked about?” Alan was fully lost at this point. Unsure where these things, these ideas were coming from, and he had to take a moment to make sure he hadn’t said anything leading or could be misunderstood.

Alan had been conflicted ever since PB had shown up on their doorstep. There had been a small part of him wanting the very thing PB was offering to him now. But that small part was nothing more than a childish dream the two had together.

It was thanks to PB showing up and the conflict it brought that Alan was certain of his feelings for Reese and where he wanted and needed to be. Not moving in with Clem, not avoiding Reese because he was Alpha. Alan needed to pick up the mantle of Alpha-Mate and take his place next to Reese.

For all the good and the bad it would bring them, at least Alan then could be with Reese.

“Y-you’re the one who put those thoughts in my head!” PB yipped, jumping up now. Glancing over at Barrett, the nutty brown furred wolf took a hesitant seat. Not wanting to draw Reese’s second over to their table.

Barrett had never liked him and PB didn’t need to give him further reason not to.

“You mean, like, three years ago when I found you…?” Alan had to really think that over. “When you wanted to leave with us and… and abandon your pups?”

“Yeah!” PB said, hopeful now. “We talked about it. Just getting in the car and… and going! Anywhere. Just us. The two of us.” He scratched his arm to the point Alan could see fur falling off. PB’s fur wasn’t shedding, it was being rubbed off and there was an angry spot on his arm that the wolf picked at. “Just. Drive away. From it all. Start anew. Somewhere else. Just us. US. Together. Forever…”

“PB.” Alan kept his voice calm and even as he spoke. “You have pups.”

“They could come with us!” PB smiled at the thought as if only now recalling them. “You’ve been so great with them! I mean, I knew you would be! But, like… you’re so much better than I am or Danny ever was. Don’t even get me started on Uncle Gristle. He is not a den mother kind of wolf…”

“Is that why you came back…? To ask about… this?” Alan looked around the café. His eyes met Barrett and he gave a single nod to the wolf who began texting.

Alan stayed in his seat, mulling it all over as Barrett contacted Reese. PB had insisted it wasn’t about him. That he had come here for his uncle but… Maybe his outbursts about it all had been him trying to desperately hide his true intentions… or was it something else?”

PB checked his phone again. Unlocking it quickly, reading something over before locking it again.

“Who are you texting?” Alan inquired suspiciously and PB ignored it. Alan’s frown grew at that, scrunching over his brow and wrinkled his forehead as he stared at the wolf who was desperately trying to tip toe around that subject.

“Look. I know things a-aren’t perfect, but I do have some money put a-aside. I’m sure you do as well! You’ve always been good about that kind thing,” PB said as if he knew who Alan was nowadays. As if the wolf somehow knew who Alan was.

The wolf didn’t. PB only saw him as he did as a kid. People grow up, they aren’t the innocent youth they once had been. It was why even the law gave a break to those underage for petty crimes. They were still learning, growing as people. Someone who was almost eighteen wasn’t the same as someone who was almost thirty-eight.

Even being the same person, Alan wasn’t the same as he was back then as a kid. He wasn’t the naïve fool, the wishful dreamer and kind hearted sap. Life had hardened him, and he wasn’t about to throw it all away for some… some pipe dream!

“You were always planning and preparing and packing things away for when the other shoe fell…” PB stammered out, yipping at the end as he tried to explain things. He was unsure why Alan wasn’t seeing things as he was.

He was sure, the second Alan had seen him at the home, that the two of them… could… could… could what? PB wasn’t even sure. Not anymore.

“You mean my escape bag?” Alan brought up. It was the bag he had filled up in case he had to leave the house because of his parents. If they got angry drunk or high or angry, drunk, and high and tried to take it out on him, it was his escape. He could grab his escape bag and just go. Go where? Alan had no one to go too back then outside PB.

And now it was PB who had no one else to go outside Alan.

He was a desperate lifeline that the wolf was struggling to grab as he drowned, trying to grab a hold of him with hands with too few fingers to do so.

“What about Reese? The others? Your puppies!” Alan sighed, feeling exhausted by this all. He felt like an adult talking to a child who wanted to run away from home because he didn’t want to do chores anymore.

PB had been acting strange, off and unfocused. Alan had thought it was due to stress, being overworked and what had happened in his home life. Now? Now he wasn’t even sure as the wolf stared at him like a deer caught in a pair of headlights.

“What about them? Who cares!” PB laughed and it was then Alan could see it. The fact PB gave no shits about anyone in his old pack. He should’ve known or assumed… Alan had wanted to believe PB had been able to find some sort of coping mechanism for the abuse he’d been through, closure to what they all had done to him.

As Alan had found. Closure.

PB hadn’t. Holding onto that hate and anger for them. Resenting them, even now. Holding that grudge for wolves that hadn’t even done that dirty deed to him. Against an Alpha long dead.

PB had managed to survive this long, somehow. Alan wished he knew how. How the wolf had gotten through the day…

Whatever it was, it hadn’t been enough. To hold onto such hate. It was a toxin in his system. Like a poison pumping through his veins from his scarred over heart. It infected every part of his day-to-day life. A dark, looming shadow that polluted every task he touched. Even if Alan would’ve accepted such an offer, he wouldn’t. Not just because he’d be hurting Reese, abandoning Salt and Pepper and even betraying Barrett’s trust in him, no.

It wasn’t just that. All those things? Sure, of course Alan would never do that to them. But there was one thing that Alan seemed to have forgotten since the last time he talked to his ex.

It was because PB wasn’t the same man he had once known. The man he had once loved.

“PB.” Alan started up, not noticing how empty the place still was. His entire focus was on the wolf in front of him. Giving him his entire attention, a sort of tunnel vision that blocked everything else out. “I know what you are trying to say. You brought the pups with you so that they could be raised in a wolf pack, somewhat, somewhere safely. Away from the populace that would abuse them. I understand that… Using the guilt Reese feels for what happened to you to at least take care of them, in repayment.” The wolf’s damaged ears splayed out and he looked away. “I know what you’re saying is real and this is how you think you feel, right now. But what about tomorrow? A week from now? What happens when Gristle comes back?”

PB was looking away, looking at his phone. Looking around the café, at the other two wolves watching him and at the door. Alan’s words drew him back.

“Gristle will love you!” PB whined, turning back quickly as he begged Alan to join him. “He’s rough around the edges and has a far worse bite than bark but he wouldn’t do anything to you! I’ve already told him so much about you! Just think… think about it! You could help so much with everything. And I, I wouldn’t have to be alone at night. And, and then I could just. Like we did. Before! Back in school. Together. Forever! F-forever. Remember? Remember what we promised each o-other?” He began to hyperventilate and PB scrambled for his inhaler.

The wolf took several puffing breaths of it and placed a hand on his chest, trying to calm down.

Alan didn’t go around to help him. He just sat there and watched as PB took several breaths from the device before popping two more pills. Pain pills? Alan hadn’t been sure as the wolf needed a full minute to recover after the attack had hit.

Just talking had gotten him overworked.

“I’ll always be here for you, Peanut Butter, to help you. With everything… Not just because of who we once were to each other but because I’ll never stop loving you.” Alan admitted and the wolf looked up at him. “You never stop loving those you truly care about… despite it all. Despite it all… but the love I feel for you isn’t the same for what it once was, PB. It has nothing to do with your looks or your health issues,” Alan quickly added on as the wolf gave him a blank stare. Just staring at him as his eyes dulled. “I don’t mind any of that. It’s… It’s who you’ve become, Peanut… PB. Your hate for what happened before has, has poisoned your view on everything! On everyone! These wolves aren’t the same as who they once were. Salt and Pepper-,” Alan tried to explain.

PB just shook his head. “Dammit,” he cursed.

“PB…?” Alan asked.

“Alan…” PB looked down at his phone. With his other hand, he pushed something on it. “I tried. I really, really tried…”

“Tried? What do you mean?” Alan asked as the bell above the door jingled.

“Oi, place is closed!” The wolf guard that came along with Barrett. Alan thought his name was Ernie. New guy that wanted to prove himself to the Alpha. Agreeing to come along to brown nose Reese as the other wolves tried to do.

The wolf took one step outside before being sent flying back making Alan jump to his feet as the wolf came crashing into the café, knocking several tables over as he was thrown like a bag of potatoes.

“I’m sorry, Alan.” PB didn’t look at him. Just out the window. At the van across the street and those coming out of it. “I wish things could’ve been different.”

“PB. What did you do…?” Alan had to ask, turning towards the door now as the bell jingled again.

In stepped a massive rhino with light gray skin, wearing a sleeveless leather vest. Though it was hard to tell. His bulging arms were covered with black tattoos, several of which depicted carnivores of all shapes and sizes being brutalized. As if each tattoo represented a tally for someone he had taken out and marked down.

“Dozer,” PB called over as the rhino glanced towards the far table, noting where they were. “Just don’t hurt the human, bosses orders…” The wolf said as the rhino grinned.

“Understood,” Dozer smashed his fists together, grinning with wild eyes at Barrett who reached for his piece, tucked away into his jacket. “Oh no you don’t,” the rhino roared out, already charging forward like an unstoppable brick wall.

Barrett dropped the phone he had been busy with, trying to get a hold of Reese as the wall of meat and muscle came crashing towards him. Chairs and tables were knocked aside, sent flying through the air as the bulldozer came charging towards him like a freight train. Barrett hadn’t been quick enough to pull his gun out, distracted as he was, his attention focused on Alan’s safety before the rhino hit him. Having just enough time to use his arms to absorb the impact of the blow, stopping the metal tipped horn from piercing his heart, instead digging deep into his shoulder. The wood broke under the rhino’s feet, the chairs crumbled to dust in his path and tables splintered into broken pieces as everything Alan knew came crashing down around them as Barrett, and the rhino, broke through the wall the wolf had been resting against.

Sending the two into the back room, leaving Alan and PB in the room as the door jingled once more, announcing others arriving as Ernie got to his feet to face the massive bull that walked in. The bull’s horns were so large he had to turn his head just to get inside the room. Ernie snarled, baring his fangs at the bovine who just laughed at the threat one wolf posed.

Ernie wasn’t about to be made a fool of so easily. He was here to prove himself. A young wolf that would show what he could do. The first thing, as he was taught to do, was to let loose a warning howl. Tipping his muzzle back, Ernie howled until his lungs were emptied.

Howling out a warning, a signal calling for help and a threat all at the same time as he looked down at the bull waiting for him to finish.

“Finished?” The black furred bovine rolled his massive boulder sized shoulders as he rocked his neck side to side. His horns swayed dangerously as he did so, catching a light fixture from the ceiling and pulling it down with ease. He tossed the thing to the side before looking at the wolf as if showing what he’d be doing to him shortly, tossing him around like a broken tool. “Howl all you like, little doggie. No one is coming to save you. Not today. Not tomorrow. Never again... Boss made sure of that… Time to clean the streets of your filthy stench. Permanently.”

Ernie refused to back down. Standing between Alan and the doorway, using his very body to block the human from the threat. The only thing between the Alpha-Mate and those coming to claim their prize was the lone, young wolf willing to put his life on the line for him.

Alan just hoped Reese had received Barrett’s text messages as he faced towards the door, refusing to take his eyes off PB as the wolf sat there. Sat there waiting with closed eyes. Waiting for it to be over as the world came crashing down around them.

Waiting for the end of their story.

Together.

Forever… until the end.