Ander - Part 6: Subchapter 50
50
The darkness crowded all around her. It wasn't just an absence of light anymore. It was a physical thing, with weight and substance, comprised of hundreds of bodies. They pushed her, jostled her, tried to force her back.
"Get out of my way!" she screamed, fighting as hard as she could to break through this thick membrane of darkness. "Move! What's going on!? Let me through! Let me through!"
She grabbed hold of patches of fur and shoved them back. She bumped into faceless, nameless bodies and forced her way past. They were no more than hairy obstacles swimming in the pitch blackness that her world had become, and she would not let them stop her. Not when that voice was so near, so near...
"Get out of my way! Let me -" The membrane suddenly broke and she was out in the open again. She could feel the empty space surrounding her like the embrace of an old friend. She stood in it, listening, trying to ignore the savage beating of her own heart and the dry, crackly whisper of her breath and the repetitive chirping of birds beyond the walls. And then...
"Hello, Mother."
Her world was still as black as pitch. It was still colder than the coldest winter, covered in ice and snow. But those words, those two precious words were like a shining beacon in the darkness.
All the strength ran out of her legs and she dropped down to her knees, feeling the cold bite of snow against her legs. "Banno...?" she whispered, not daring to believe it. Not daring to believe that such a miracle could be real.
Not daring to believe that her son had come back to her.
*
He had to use every ounce of willpower not to groan and roll his eyes. This woman was so pathetic he could barely stand to look at her. Her only redeeming quality was that at least she didn't look exactly the same as everyone else, but that was only because she was so ugly, even worse than before. She had lost a lot of weight. Her bone charms and necklaces hung off her emaciated flesh, clicking and clacking against each other as she moved. She seemed so much older than the last time he saw her, too, like she had aged ten years in a single season, and her eyes... they used to be a milky kind of colour, but now they looked almost... rancid.
Can she see anything at all with those things?
"Banno...?" she whispered again, reaching out to him with twig-like fingers. Her aim was way off, making it look like she was actually reaching for the watchtower instead.
Evidently not.
"It's me, Mother," he said, supressing an exasperated sigh. "It's your ensa."
"Banno?" Tears built up in those white orbs that used to be eyes and dripped down her cheeks. Her whole face scrunched up, her lips trembled, and a thin runner of snot started to peek out from one of her nostrils. "Banno?" Like an old crone with brittle bones, she struggled to get back to her feet. She was shaking all over. "Banno!"
Urgh, do I really have to do this?
Banno opened his arms, fighting to maintain his smile. "Mother, I've finally come home."
*
"Banno!" She walked through the empty darkness, both hands stretched out, desperately searching for the source of that voice. Some part of her was still convinced that this couldn't be real, that this was all just a cruel hell, and that her hands would close over nothingness again and again until she finally went mad...
Her fingers brushed against a coarse patch of fur and she grabbed hold, both terrified and elated. She wrapped her arms around his waist, hugging him tight. The roughness of his fur, the strength of the muscles beneath, it was all so familiar to her, it was a sensation she thought she'd never, ever feel again. She pressed her face against the warmth emanating from his body, taking in his scent, and that was when she knew, she knew without a shadow of a doubt...
This was Banno.
Her son had come home!
She opened her mouth to say his name, but what came out instead was a gut-wrenching sob. It burst out of her, using up all the air in her lungs. She drew in a haggard breath, feeling like she was about to suffocate, only to have it ripped out of her chest by a sob even more powerful than the first. She had to cling to her son just to keep from collapsing to the ground.
"Banno!" she wailed, hot tears streaming down her face. "Oh thank the Cora He brought you back to me!"
She felt his big, strong arms returning her embrace, wrapping all the way around her slender body like a blanket. He gently patted her on the back, holding her close.
It was the first moment of true happiness in her life since she first learned of his passing. Just standing there, surrounded by bitter cold on all sides, and yet feeling nothing but warmth, feeling nothing but love...
She was happy. She was finally, finally happy.
"Banno..." she whispered. "I thought you were dead... I thought... I thought I'd never see you again..."
"It's all right, Mother," he said. "It's okay, I'm here now. You can stop crying."
*
"Banno!" She broke out into an awkward shamble, reaching blindly, groping at the empty air until she finally bumped into him and wrapped her arms around his waist, clutching at him like some kind of giant stick bug. She buried her face against his stomach and started to make an awful racket. He supposed she was crying (she was smearing her slimy tears all over him), but it sounded more like she was simply screaming her head off. And every time he thought she was finally done, she'd take another big, hitching breath and bray some more.
Banno hugged her back, disgusted by how warm she was. It was like hugging a fly-blown corpse that had been left to rot in the sun all day long.
How long is this going to last? he wondered, gently patting her on the back. The answer? Pretty damn long. She kept saying his name over and over again, mixing it in with her prayers to the Cora, thanking Him/Her/It/Whatever for this glorious miracle, and then starting all over again, wailing at the top of her lungs, drenching his fur in whatever filth those dead eyes were producing.
"Banno..." she whispered, finally calming down a little. Her voice was dry and cracked from all the crying. "I thought you were dead... I thought... I thought I'd never see you again..."
"It's all right, Mother," he said, not really bothering with the smile anymore. "It's okay, I'm here now. You can stop crying."
Seriously, stop it.
"I lost you..." she moaned. "And then I lost Ander... and Kadai! And Hezzi!"
Wait, what?
"Banno... I was so alone! I had to watch my entire family leave me behind!"
Banno took her by the shoulders and dropped down to one knee (mostly so he could look her in the eye, but also so he could keep all her damned touching to a minimum). "What was that you said about Father and Hezzi?"
She snivelled like a little pup and wiped the tears from her face, leaving ugly dark smear stains in her fur. Banno considered shaking her, but thought better of it. Finally, after what felt like ages, her crying fit calmed down enough for her to talk again.
"Banno... your father, he... I am so sorry. He fell ill. There was nothing I could do. He... He's Walking the Path now. I'm so sorry..."
"He's dead?"
She nodded. Small whimper noises kept bubbling out from between her trembling lips, and Banno couldn't help but wonder...
Damn. What kind of face am I supposed to make for this?
*
Shekka pressed her face against Banno's shoulder and cried. She never knew she still had so many tears pent up inside. She could imagine them as a torrent pouring from her broken heart, filling her up and spilling from her eyes. Every moment of every day was a struggle just to keep the pieces together, but now... cradled in her son's arms... she could see his father's face so clearly, her darling Kadai... she could see him smiling...
Why? Why did that Fox bitch have to take him away!? It was because of her, because of that demon called "Sarah" that Kadai couldn't be here today. It was because of her that he couldn't embrace his son!
Happiness mixed with misery, joy at the touch of her son fused with the agony of the memory of her lost mate, so many thoughts and feelings swirling inside the absolute darkness of her eyes, with nothing but Banno's gentle touch to anchor her to the real world.
*
Mother threw herself into his arms, pretty much forcing him into holding her too-warm corpse yet again. She cried into his shoulder, heaving with every sob, and Banno decided to cover up his good eye with his hand, like he was having trouble 'keeping it all in'. At least that way the top half of his face was taken care of.
"What of Hezzi? Is he Walking the Path, too?"
She shook her head, rubbing her snot all over his shoulder. "He's gone," she whispered, "but not dead. He ran off with those traitors! He'd rather go live with his little whore of a girlfriend than his own mother! He'd rather spend the rest of his days among a bunch of Foxes than his own people!"
Foxes!?
Banno had to bite down hard to keep himself from smiling. He had to constantly remind himself: You just learned your father is dead. You have to act sad. Don't forget!
But at the same time...
Oh, this is perfect. This is just too perfect! I'm coming for you, Valery. Hold on just a little bit longer...
She nuzzled against him like a lost puppy, still spouting her nonsensical snivels and drivels. "I missed you so much, my ensa..."
*
She reached up to touch his face. She just wanted to see him again, to feel what he looked like - that strong brow, those thoughtful eyes, the masculine jaw, all the things she remembered so well. She used to watch his face so carefully, memorizing every line in preparation for the day when the darkness took over completely.
She touched his lips and they felt so heartbreakingly sad. She could actually feel his grief coursing through her. She moved her fingers across the side of his face, taking in his sorrow. Until...
His mouth changed abruptly. Gone was the agony of grief, replaced by a smile so hideous and wicked it froze her in place. She could feel his teeth beneath her fingers, cold and sticky. Just by imagining them in her mind's eye, it felt like he was somehow biting her...
She jerked her hand back, feeling like she had unknowingly stuck it into a pit of writhing scorpions. "Banno!? What?"
No. She couldn't have felt what she thought she felt. There was simply no way Banno would be smiling after hearing about his father. No way. It must be something else, something...
She put her hand back against his mouth, trying her very best not to tremble. She moved her fingers across his lips, very slowly, very carefully, until she reached the spot where the corner of his mouth was supposed to end.
But it didn't.
His upper and lower lips simply never came together. His mouth just kept going and going...
"Banno!?" she said, absolutely shocked at the picture forming inside her imagination.
She could see his cheek cut wide open, elongating the left side of his mouth into a permanent sneer, exposing teeth that were red with dry, frozen blood.
Banno was perfectly still as she continued to move her hands across his face, and the things she found...
They made her want to cry all over again.
There were bald patches in his fur, here and there, all of them crusty and reeking of blood. Some still had the tell-tale softness of blisters at their centre. Someone had burned him! Someone had burned her ensa!
She reached higher and nearly screamed at the soft, slightly yielding texture over his right eye, thinking that it had somehow been covered in one of those horrible burns, but it was far too smooth for that. No, this was a patch of leather, held in place by strips of hide.
It's just as Hezzi said. Ander took his eye, that bastard took my son's eye...
But where did all these other wounds come from? And why did he smell so strongly of blood?
What happened to him!? What happened to her ensa!?
Shekka moved her hands across his body, examining him as both a doctor and a mother, lightly trailing her fingers across his neck, his shoulders, around to his -
There was a massive cut between his shoulder blades, gaping wide, reeking of frozen blood.
"Oh, Banno..." she moaned, fresh tears falling from her dead, useless eyes. "Oh my dear, dear Banno..."
She dropped down to her knees, not caring about the cold, not caring about the hundreds and hundreds of eyes staring in at her.
There was another gash in his leg, the exact same shape and size as the one in his back. By the Cora, he must be in so much pain! How was he even standing!?
She couldn't handle this anymore. She grabbed two fistfuls of her hair, barely able to breathe through her hitching sobs. It felt like she was suffocating in despair.
When she first started to notice the edges blurring and the colours fading, her first reaction had been hopeful fear. She had prayed to the Cora with the naïve stupidity of a foolish little girl, certain that He would restore her sight. When that didn't happen, the hope slowly drained away and the fear grew stronger. Year after year, she watched her world bleed away into the blacks and greys of stormy skies, and the fear gave way to anger. Had she not served Him loyally her whole life? Why should she be punished this way? Why should she be denied the right to watch the seasons change? To see her sons live and grow? To look into her mate's eyes as he held and comforted her in the middle of the night? There were days when she cried and days when she screamed, but, just like the hope and the fear, the anger eventually faded into quiet acceptance.
All these things she felt and more, but this was the very first time she had ever felt so torn about the darkness in her eyes. She wanted to see her son. She wanted to hold him, comfort him, tell him everything would be all right, that she would make it all right. She wanted to see his face, and for that, she hated her blindness more than ever.
But there was so much blood. She could feel it, smell it on her fingers, taste it in the air, her son's blood, which was also Kadai's blood. She was absolutely covered in it.
Her son, Banno, the Flavour of Death, was standing before her when, by all rights, he should be dead.
And for that, she was infinitely grateful for her blind eyes. She did not want to see the wraith her son had become, this creature whose very existence must be an unimaginable torture.
Her heart...
"Banno... what happened? Who did this to you!?" She curled her fingers into hooks and dragged them down across her face, tearing her bloodsoaked claws through her own flesh. Her blood and tears mixed with the blood of her son and ran down her neck in steady drips. "Who did this to you!!?"
Her world was one of touch. She could feel the warmth flowing down her face; slowing, hardening, freezing. And his hand... his hand on her shoulder, the same heavy hand that used to be so small, the same hand she used to hold while they were out in the forest, gathering herbs and mushrooms. He used to go chasing after lizards and squirrels and rabbits, and she was so terrified of losing him amongst all those trees, those dark, blurry trees with their angry faces... just waiting to snatch him away...
"Banno...?"
His hand, so much bigger now, so much more powerful, the fingers almost long enough to go all the way around her neck...
His grip was strong.
"Mother..."
*
She reached up, perhaps to kiss him, or maybe just to touch his cheek. Whatever she intended, he no longer had a cheek there, so her fingers simply slid over a row of exposed teeth.
For just a moment, Banno imagined himself biting down on those fingers, snapping the bone, severing them at the knuckles, reducing them to a set of jetting stumps...
She jerked her hand back on pure reflex, looking like she had just accidentally petted a live snake. "Banno!? What?" She went back in, her spindly fingers skirting along his face, and the more she felt him, the wider her stricken eyes became. She dragged her fingers across his lips from one side to the other, gasping out loud when she reached the point where they were supposed to come together. From there, she travelled upwards and spent a good long time feeling the eyepatch his darling Valery had made for him, her hands crawling all over it like a ten-legged spider. Banno wanted nothing more than to slap her away, but he let her do her thing. It was just easier that way.
Every time she reached a cut or a bald patch of singed fur, she would moan and a fresh batch of tears would stream down her face. She even managed to find the gashes in his leg and between his shoulder blades.
This thing... this dead, lifeless thing... moving and talking as if she were alive? It was right there in her name! Shekka! Empty One! Touching him, getting her fluids all over him! And right where he was exposed, too. This wasn't right. This was disgusting.
The pain in his head was getting worse, stabbing at him from the inside like a headache, but sharper.
And still she was going at it, rubbing her dirty hands all over him, trailing her fingers across every scratch and bruise. She might be leaving little bits of herself all over him. Strands of hair, flakes of skin, drops of blood...
I could snap her neck. I could do it right now. I could make her stop this blasted playacting...
Flashes of red laced with veins of black like lightning before his eyes, there and gone, there and gone, beating inside his head like a heartbeat.
He could do it so easily... so very easily...
She dropped down to her knees. Was this the world giving him what he wanted again? Did it feel his desire to end the 'life' of this thing he used to call 'mother'? Maybe...
She reached up and grabbed hold of her hair, smearing his blood all over her head. For a moment it looked like she was trying to get herself under control, but then an explosive sob just burst out of her, making her look like a giant, deformed baby with snot running from its nose.
How much longer is this going to take?
"Banno, what happened? Who did this to you!?" she screamed, and then did something almost interesting.
She slammed her claws into her forehead and raked them straight down, creating eight, thin red lines across her face, seeping blood. "Who did this to you!!?"
Her blood... That was part of him, too, wasn't it? If she was the doorway he had passed through to enter this empty world (Shekka, Empty One, Empty World, Open Door) then maybe she wasn't as fake as the others? Was it possible for 'nothing' to give birth to 'something'?
He was the first life. Before him, there was nothing. Everything else only came to be because of his existence. His very presence was what created the world for him to exist in. In a sense, he had given birth to himself. But still...
If she was his 'mother', if he was the firstborn of the dead...
He laid his hand upon her shoulder, right on the edge of her neck. Her muscles were stringy and tensed up at his touch, moving ever so slightly beneath the fur as she raised her head to look at him with those Empty eyes of hers...
"Banno?"
I could do it so easily. Just wrap my fingers around her neck and twist. It would be over before she even knew what was happening. How would that feel? She has to be different from James, right? She is my 'mother', after all. She's the one that got slotted into that position because the rules demanded a reason for my existence. That must mean there's something special about her, or at least different from all those other walking, talking husks of rotting meat and bone. I should kill her just to see what will happen... just to know... just to feel...
Throbbing, stabbing heat radiating inside his head, needles of blood piercing the empty space where his eye used to be...
Just to taste...
He tightened his grip, right on that curve between shoulder and neck. He could feel her collarbone beneath his fingers. So thin. How easily it would snap beneath the pressure, how easily the jagged end would pierce her leathery skin, spurting blood into the air.
"Mother..."
She was looking at him, but she could not see the truth. She had ears, but she could not listen. She had a nose, but she could not divine the scents of ecstasy. She had a heart, but she could not feel true happiness. And, worst of all, she had a tongue, but she could not taste life, and neither could she taste death, for she was neither alive nor dead, she simply was, and that would have been the worst torture imaginable, were she only capable of understanding it. She was no different from the others, no different from a rock or a clump of snow or a fleeting shadow in the night. The only one who was different from them, the only one who was the same as him...
Was Valery.
She was the one he needed to find. She was the one he needed to save.
She was the one he needed to taste.
If he couldn't control his urges, if he couldn't stay his hand for her, he would be all alone in this empty world. Truly alone...
Banno relaxed his grip, but the pain was still there, throbbing, pounding, pushing against his face as if trying to burst out. It wanted him to end this. It wanted him to rip out this petty creature's throat and expose it for what it really was, a walking skeleton covered in a thin layer of meat and fur. Rules and consequences be damned!
Imagining Valery's smile made it a little easier. He could still feel the softness of her embrace, the weight of her tiny body pressing against his, the scent of her hair, the taste of her blood.
"Mother..." Banno took a deep breath and focussed on that image until the pain subsided into a dull ache in the back of his head. "The ones who did this to me, the ones who hurt me, who tried to kill me..."
I'm coming Valery. Just hold on a little while longer... If I can do it, so can you...
"... It was the Foxes."
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