FSE

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I wonder what my Mom saw in the mirror. _ I thought as I leaned forward over the sink and stared at my reflection intently. _I look like her, more like her than I ever looked like my father.

It was a morbid thought, one that instantly made my stomach turn, but I gave my head a rough shake that sent my ears flapping to clear them. I couldn't give into the urge to follow that particular road, no matter how much I wanted to. I was getting better, at least, I thought I was. It still hurt, but it was an ache that wasn't all consuming, it left room for other emotions. I had begun to find things that worked with my life, things that I needed to concentrate on beyond the grief that sometimes rose up. My therapist said it was good for me to dwell on the living of my life instead of what I'd lost, she'd even begun having me go over parts of my childhood that I could identify as being good ones. There weren't a lot, but they all featured my mother heavily and it was starting to help. I felt better, not whole, but at least I was feeling better than I had in quite some time. I could sometimes look at her memories and smile about something she had said or done.

It had been several months since she had passed away, months that I had spent putting off something that I shouldn't have been putting off. It was my own fault, but I had kept trying to find a way to put it off to another day. I drew in a breath and looked up at myself in the mirror again, the shaved curve of my head, and the freshly dyed patch of light fur that had been where my mane had half-heartedly tried to grow. At least it hadn't been a problem recently, especially not the fringe of fur that ran along my jaw, it was finally reacting to the pills I was taking to adjust my hormone levels. That was one benefit; another one was the fact that I felt more balanced than I had in a long time. It was no one thing that I could put my finger on, but there was something different that helped steady me. Dr. Skan thought it was mostly a psychological effect of knowing I was finally making steps towards changing myself, but whatever it was, I felt better for them and it made me look at the person in the mirror with a smile that was almost confident.

"Are you ready yet, Shall?" Hiasaki's voice came from my living room and immediately turned my confident smile into a nervous look that made me turn away from the mirror and draw in a steadying breath.

I should be more confident than this. I know how I feel, I know what it means to me, I'm just going to be telling him. _ I repeated silently and curled my fingers into fists before forcing them to relax. _He has to have noticed my lack of a mane, how different I am. Maybe he thinks it's a fashion statement, but that doesn't make it true.

"Yeah, sorry, I just wanted to get a shower after work." I called back immediately and smoothed my hands back along my ears, folding them down tightly as I looked out towards my fate.

I had meant to do this several weeks ago, I had laid it all out perfectly, but each time I stopped myself from doing it. I didn't want to lose him so soon. I knew that it was going to be a risk that I took, that when I told him who I was that he'd walk away from me. Knowing that, it made me cling to each day and every time I came close, I pushed the time back. I had gone through every possible excuse I could find, and each of them had worked, but the white fox seemed to know something was wrong. He was too polite to push; he seemed too polite to really want to push me about anything at all. I knew he wanted more out of our relationship than he was currently getting, and certainly he had never hidden the indications that he would enjoy taking things to the next logical level, but he never pushed. I didn't even have to say more than two words before he grinned and left me alone. He always made it a joke to not hurt my feelings, even if he didn't understand them.

There was no avoiding it tonight. I had to do it. By the end of the summer I was going to be stepping out of my apartment as a female. Well, not in body, but I had to live as the person I wanted to be and that meant more than just hiding things under my clothes and trying things on in secret. It meant inventing myself again, becoming someone that I knew lurked just beneath the surface. I couldn't hide that from the fox, there was no way he could miss it, eventually he'd see me and I wanted to tell him personally about what and who I was. At least now I felt a little more put together. Long talks with my therapist and friends had helped on that part. If I just broke down and stammered it out at him, he'd probably react well just to make sure I didn't go screaming into the night, I wouldn't get a real reaction from him for a while. He deserved to make up his mind on his own, not be guilted into pretending it was alright when it really wasn't.

I smoothed my hand down along my robe and moved towards the door, feeling the heavy material wrapping comfortingly around me like armor. It was that thought that brought a smile to my lips, I couldn't stop it, it was such an absurd thought. Such strange armor to protect me. The fluffy thick robe covered me from neck to knee and was a deep peach cover that I was rapidly coming to adore. It was warm and soft, not at all protection against anything, but it still made me feel more secure as I left the safety of my bedroom and saw Hiasaki waiting for me on the couch with the normal bunch of movies cast out in front of him. It wasn't armor against a physical attack, it was armor against him seeing what was beneath them, it was armor against what he might say before I even got to showing him the outfit that I'd chosen.

"Comfy, kitten?" He lifted his brows a little at me, a whimsical smile parting his tapered white and black muzzle. "I should have brought something better than jeans and a t-shirt."

"Hush, I just got a shower." I answered smoothly and tried to keep my tail from lashing like a fish that's just come out of the water. Nothing I could do could stop my tail, it had a mind of its own as it listened to my emotional state instead of what I projected.

"And I was stuck out here watching reality TV." Hiasaki answered and folded his ears back with a long suffering look. "Do you know how boring that is? This woman has been yelling at cooks for the last half an hour. I don't even know why, it seems they're just paying her to yell at people trying to cook."

"It's better than the news." I grimaced as I settled down on the couch, wriggling back in an attempt to get comfortable. "They've started quartering off the lower wards and enforcing house arrest last time I saw it. There were four attacks this week."

It hadn't simply been attacks, I already knew that one person had died, that much had been leaked at my work, but it wasn't publicly released and not something I wanted to tell the fox. There was mounting tensions in the city between predator and prey, tensions that were starting to come to a boiling point. I remember learning in class that times like this happened, there were always problems and uprisings, but it was frightening to see how heavily the City Elite were coming down on anyone with fangs. They had begun to lock down every last home and curfew to the point that I didn't dare test the curfew time, neither did Sanmer or Hiasaki. It wasn't wise to be seen on the streets after dark, and it wasn't simply because we would get in trouble with the law, there had begun to be throw backs to pack and pride life with the lions and many of the canine species.

There had been arrests and even a few executions to try and quell the uprising, but things were starting to grow from bad to worse. There were always those that lived outside of the city walls, the ones that refused to abide by city life and would never set foot on the street, but they reveled in the upheaval happening. There were at least two lion prides that had formed, and at least one of them had dragged my father into the heart of it. I hadn't wanted to know about the monster, but it had been passed onto me by Solare as a kind gesture so that I wasn't shocked by what would be the inevitable end. It meant that he was probably going to end up in the gallows by the end of it all, especially if they continued to try and overthrow the authorities in the small subdivisions. Eventually the city would call for martial aid and they'd not survive that, not at all. There'd be blood on both sides, even more so than there was now.

"They'll get it in control. My neighborhood has been talking about hiring on outside security recently since the wolves have tried to mark it out." Hiasaki commented and shifted, letting me have room to move closer to him if I wanted to. "The lions are at least staying down wind."

"I don't want to talk about that." I gave my head a shake, trying to dispel the depressing news. "It's bad enough as it is, why don't we just enjoy each other's company?"

"I always do that." The fox's eyes glittered like twin chips of glass. "What do you want to do tonight? Movies? Dinner? Try to go hit up that new club before we have to rush back to our homes?"

"I wanted to talk." I spoke the words before my treacherous tongue could come up with an excuse to give me just one more night. "I mean really talk, not just sit around chatting about the weather."

"Mmmrrmm?" Hiasaki lifted a brow slightly and tilted his head to one side. "That sounds rather serious, m'love."

He had such an easy pose that it was easy for me to want to just enjoy the sight of him. He had a way of relaxing that made it look as if he could be comfortable anywhere, but I was starting to understand that a good deal of it was an act. He enjoyed making others drop their guard around him, and I realized that it made others want to trust him. It was easy to want to be drawn into that relaxed pose and enjoy a movie together. I had to steel myself and draw in a breath through my mouth, it was better now, it had been too long and that meant it was just going to be harder now than it would have been if I had done it when I wanted too. I wouldn't change it, even knowing how hard it would be. The times we had spent together had been so incredibly sweet; how could I possibly regret them?

Just get it out, just like you practiced. I thought fiercely as the slit pupiled eyes remained fixated on me, waiting with incredible patience.

"I know we've been seeing each other a lot." I started, my voice sounding tight even to my own ears. "We've been spending so much time together, and it's been good, so incredibly good. Honestly, you're the first person I've been comfortable around in... that way..."

"I've enjoyed myself too." Hiasaki's voice deepened with an edge of heat. No, we hadn't gone all the way, but there had been many times when things had gotten beyond heated between us. It brought the heat to my cheeks while I gave my head a short shake.

"This isn't about just enjoying each other. When I met you, and we started talking, it was new to me." I continued on, trying not to look at him as I spoke. I'd tried to rehearse this, but there was only so much I could do. "My life is complicated and different, I didn't really want to get involved with anyone, but you sort of crept in while my guards were down. I think I needed that, I needed you, but I also knew that it was unfair of me to continue on and laboring underneath a lie by omission."

How did I explain all this? This was the part that I never found a good way to say out loud. It was almost tempting to blurt out my secret to him, to offer it up without anything to pad it, but that would just promise he'd bolt. Some sick part of me hoped he would, that he would drop my mess of a life and leave, but that was a dark twisted part of my soul that didn't believe I deserved him. It was the nasty little voice whispering in my ear, one that allowed me to lift my eyes to see him watching me. He didn't give anything away, he could have been burning with curiosity or angry or worried, but he didn't look any of them. His eyes remained fixated on me, waiting for me to continue as I sought for steady ground.

"You... know how we haven't been.." I tripped up and wanted to curse, I sounded like a cub talking about sex. "You know we haven't slept together."

_Made love would be better, but I honestly don't know if saying the l word would make him even more skittish. _ I thought ruefully and watched as Hiasaki's jaws parted in a vulpine smile, one that showed the tip of his bright pink tongue.

"Well, certainly I have noticed." He answered readily enough and shrugged one of his shoulders. "Virginity isn't something to be ashamed of, you know. It's something to be treasured and I'm not going to force you unless you're ready."

"That's not.." I stammered and puffed out a breath. "I mean, I am, but that's not the problem. The problem is that I'm not comfortable in my own skin, Hiasaki, I'm not comfortable with being what I am right now."

"Not comfortable how?" The question was posed in a slightly soft tone, I didn't know what to think of it, but I plowed ahead.

"Because I wasn't born to be the way I am." I answered softly and met his eyes, holding them while trying not to give into the urge to be ashamed. There was nothing for me to be ashamed about. "I was never born to be male, it's always felt wrong. I.. wasn't born quite right, it's a long story, but the ending comes down to the fact that I can't be male for you, Hiasaki. I care about you, I love being around you, but I also can't lie to you and hide the fact that I'm not comfortable as I am. I grew up my whole life never being male enough for my father, I grew up not knowing why everything fit together wrong, and now I'm starting to know why. And I want to be who I feel I should be, and that's definitely not male."

I spoke the words clearly, I wanted to bolt, I wanted to retch, but I held it back while lifting my eyes to regard him closely. It wasn't quite smooth, there were small stops, but I got it out the way that I wanted to get out, even when I heard him suck in a breath. The relax pose shifted, the cracks through the mask showed an edge of confusion as he moved his legs to drop down so he could set up, but in doing so he came a bit closer to me. I retreated, not entirely wanting to crowd him while he was processing the dump of information I gave him. I tried to mask my unease and tension, my rapidly beating heart threatened to rip itself from my chest as the moments crawled forward. I could feel the air going hot and cold against my cheeks, but still I remained posed and watching him until he opened his muzzle and closed it, before he opened it again.

"So you don't want to be a male?" Hiasaki asked softly, his voice almost emotionless as he kept his place, he didn't run, not yet. "Does that mean you want to be a girl?"

"Yes." I answered flatly, there was no getting around it. "I've known for a bit, it's.. It's not easy for me to explain, but I know what I should have been born, I feel it. I can't be the boyfriend you're looking for, I know that, I just... I didn't want to let you go so soon."

"You stayed with me because I helped you? Out of guilt?" The fox's words turned sharp and his ears folded back against his head, making me sit up.

"No, of course not!" I replied and gave my head a slight shake. "It's just that... I want to be female, Hiasaki, no... want isn't the right word. I need to be. My body doesn't fit, it's humiliating and uncomfortable, I don't understand myself. Nothing works the way I know it should.. I know that doesn't make sense, but it's true. I've already been speaking with a doctor-"

"Wait.. Ease up now." He lifted his paws up in an attempt to slow my words, which brought them stumbling to a halt, but I remained tensed on the edge of the couch. "So you're going to be a girl? I mean, not simply wearing women's clothing, but actually become female? Physically?"

"I hope so." I almost whispered the words, only a strength of will made them loud enough to be heard while the fox's brows were pulled together tightly.

Silence stretched out between us, but it wasn't the companionable silence that I was used too. It was awkward, filled with things that were left unsaid, things that we should have been talking about and they were shattered and left on the ground between us. I could have said more, the words were bubbling in my throat to try and explain myself in a way that he would sympathize with, but I made myself remain quiet. What could I do? I couldn't force him to accept what I was saying, nor was it fair of me to try and make him feel sorry for me. That wasn't going to make me feel better about things, it was only going to make things harder to puzzle through. I kept my head up, my ears pricked forward as I looked over to meet his eyes and found him staring at me.

His normal easy look was guarded as if he were weighing what he was going to say once he was able to speak, and that made my stomach twist. I wanted to yell, to demand he tell me what he was thinking, but I was afraid. Afraid of what he would say, afraid of how he would act. Perhaps he was trying to find a graceful exit. I felt like I was about to be sick, but I held the pose and drew in a slow breath. Now? Should I? I had dressed for him, especially for him, something I had never done in my life. I had picked out an outfit that I knew looked good on me. It was one that I had first altered to fit my shape and the fact that I lacked certain curves and needed to be adjusted. I wanted to show him what I could be, or perhaps it was just my own selfish desire to ruin something before it started? I didn't know, I just knew that he was silent.

He let out a breath, blowing it out of his lips and slumped a little in the chair, the movement made me jump and I couldn't hide it. My tail was lashing so quickly that it was a steady slap slap slap against the ground. It echoed in my ears as he looked down at his paws thoughtfully before glancing back up again. He didn't get up and walk away, he didn't look angry, he looked...confused. As if he weren't sure how he should answer me or what he should do. It was the first time I had seen such a strange look on his face since I'd met him, and it wasn't one that gave me hope for what he was going to say.

"I.. don't know what to say, Shall." Hiasaki murmured softly, his voice thick with his confusion. "I don't."

"It's okay." I jerked my head up and down shortly as I spoke around a thick lump. "I know it's not normal, but I couldn't just lie to you and expect you to be okay with it. I completely understand."

My voice sounded strange and strangled, but that couldn't be helped, he wasn't going to be okay with this. It was asking too much, there was too much for him to take in, he was going to leave. I didn't blame him. Could I have stayed with someone who confessed something like this to me? No, it wasn't his fault, I throttled down the dull red anger that stirred in my breast. I wanted to scream at him, to say that I was still the same person, that it shouldn't matter if I saw myself in another body, it shouldn't have mattered that I was different. It all happened so quickly, I stood up and moved away from him, not wanting to be close to him, but he was already moving to follow me before I could get too far away. His paw caught my own, his large hand curling around my fingers and gave a squeeze, holding me still as my heart leapt in my throat.

My first impulse was to yank free, I was angry and hurt, it wasn't his fault, but the emotions were still surging to the forefront of my thoughts. I nearly did just that, but I was stilled by the intense eyes fixed on me, the way that he pulled my hand in closer so that I was nearly brushing my knuckles against his chest. As always, his touch thrilled me, there was no denying the fact that he caused me to react forcefully. No matter how I felt personally,

"I didn't say I wasn't alright with it." He spoke in a soft serious tone. "I just don't know what to say. It's not something I anticipated."

"I know." The words fell flat, but I tried to look calm. "You can take time, I get it, you need time."

"H..." He stopped and flicked his ears back. "How far have you gone? Fire take it, that sounds idiotic, but I don't know how else to ask what I'm trying to ask."

"I'm still physically male." I answered, feeling a bit of heat in my ears start. "I'm just taking hormone replacements and seeing a shrink, talking a lot about what I want in the future. Wh.. when I finally go all the way, I'm supposed to feel comfortable living as a female entirely. I want to live that way."

"Okay." He nodded his muzzle and licked his lips, it was almost a nervous gesture. It was so out of place on him that I didn't know what to think of it. "So, you're going to be a girl."

He spoke light heartedly, trying to mask his unease in the joke, but I could see the confusion in his eyes. I could turn away and let him walk out, he'd think about it and maybe he'd come back to talk to me again, but he might just leave. There was always that chance. He'd think about what it might mean, he wouldn't want to wait for me to figure myself out. A month ago I would have turned away and just let him go and figure it out, I would have broken down, I would have crumbled. A month ago I didn't know what it was like to lose someone so permanently. A month ago I hadn't been held in his arms. I hadn't held his paw a hundred times or knew the touch of his lips. I wouldn't know the way that he smelled nestled against me or the way that his fur had a little patch that ran like a cowlick at the nape of his neck. A month ago I would have accepted my loss.

"I want to be me. The person I am won't change, I'm exactly who I was this morning, but this is a part of me." I spoke softly, but firmly. "I want you to know me, all of me, I want to try and give us both a chance. If you can't deal with it, I understand, I just hope if you can't, we can still manage to be friends."

"You want my answer now?" He shot up and flattened his ears so far back that they were nearly disappearing against his head. "Shall..."

"No, not now, tonight I..." I let the words draw away and I let out a breath through my nose. "I want to introduce you to me."

"Introduce me?" He tilted his head, some of the stiffness leaving him. Hiasaki wasn't leaving, he wasn't bolting yet, he was just trying to figure it all out. I sympathized. I had already promised myself that I wouldn't accept anything from him tonight. Even if he pledged he wanted every bit of me, I wanted him to be sure. And to be sure he had to see me.

I stepped backwards and moved my hands down to my robe with a flush that rose up to my cheeks and made my entire body run hot. I had only let CJ and Sanmer see me in anything else besides my normal clothes. I knew for the next step I should be comfortable enough to let even strangers see me, but Hiasaki wasn't a stranger. He was someone that I wanted in a way that frightened me, this might not end the way I hoped it would, but he would see me. He would see the person that I saw in my own mind, the person that I felt in my own skin whenever I thought about who I was. I was brave enough to do this, and I knew that was enough, it was a stepping stone that I was willing to try. That's what I told myself as I drew the belt from the robe loose and started to slide the material back from my shoulders.

The fox opened his jaws, he almost immediately tried to protest what I was doing. He probably thought I was stripping down naked and wanted to stop me, but his voice was silenced as the robe fell past my shoulder and then to the ground. I could have let it go slowly, a peep show that was designed to tease, but this wasn't supposed to tease him. I fought the urge to grab the fabric to cover myself with it, instead I remained standing with my head up and ears pricked forward high on my head. I wanted to cover myself, it was a natural instinct, but I had nothing to be ashamed of. I lifted my chin high, staring over at Hiasaki with silent challenge as he gaped at the outfit I revealed to him.

It was modest, I had made sure it was, I wasn't comfortable in slinky sexy outfits, but this one was quite wonderful feeling as it brushed against my smooth fur even without slink. The shirt was scoop necked shirt that had a V that dipped low on my chest with a fitted form that curved in along either side of my waist. The sleeves were short and revealed most of my arms, while the edge of the shirt brushed right at my navel. It was a deep purple color that I loved, the sort of purpose that made my fur look lighter and softened my features. I knew that if I lifted my arms up it would flash my white belly fur, but I kept them down to either side of the skirt I was wearing. The skirt itself was simple, going all the way to my knees with as lit cut up either side. It wasn't fancy, just light denim that made it look casual, but I knew it accentuated the curve of my hips beautifully and made my legs look longer.

My mother's neckless rested in the follow of my throat, a light weight that I barely noticed most of the time, but now it felt like a beacon. I knew that this outfit made me look female, whenever I saw myself in the mirror I was delighted with the effect. Something about the cut made my shoulders slender and curved instead of broad, and it even made the curve of my rump look plush and soft. I loved the way it made me feel when I wore it. It made me feel confident and in control. Sometimes I thought about leaving the house like this, but I always stopped short of it as I considered the sort of looks that I would likely be getting.

Hiasaki stared at me, he closed his muzzle eventually, but that didn't make the stunned look appear any less stunned as he gaped at me. He didn't say a word, not right away, he just looked at me in such a way that I could feel my heart pounding in my ears. I wanted to cover myself, despite the fact I was fully clothed, the urge was there and growing as his eyes swept down my body as if he were taking it all in. My legs were bare and normally they felt long and elegant, but now they felt naked as he made a soft noise in his throat and forced his eyes back up. The slender muzzle was tilted down just a hair while he considered me. I couldn't read his expression. He could have been appalled at what he was seeing or he might have enjoyed it, I didn't know. I could only keep my confident mask up for him to see, I wouldn't let him see my own doubts.

"It suits you." Hiasaki said, his voice as soft as silk, making me stiffen a little bit while his lips parted in a very small smile.

He didn't say anything else, but what could he say? It was more than I had hoped for when I had practiced this. I had, at most, hoped that he would just be able to walk away to think things over before coming up with his answer. I had nothing to answer him with, I just remained in one place as he walked up and lifted up one of his hands. He didn't touch, but it hovered for a moment, the fingers outstretched before he curled them into a fist and let out a soft sound. It was almost a laugh, the sound thrilling over me, it wasn't an upset laugh, it was almost normal as he moved to drop his hand back down before he could touch me. No, not yet, I wasn't going to let him stop there. Did he think I would be frightened by his touch?

"I think it does too." I answered and reached down to touch his hand, my fingers brushing against his own while the thrill shivered down my back.

It was electric that touch, the warmth of his paw pads curled against the back of my hand. The fox looked over me again, that same slow look that seemed to me memorizing every last detail he could gulp down. It was thrilling and embarrassing, but I moved his paw up closer and held it as lightly as I could. I didn't want him to feel like I was trapping him. It was hard, so hard, not to cling to him and wrap my arms around his waist, to hug against him in simple thanks that he wasn't running away. I might have done just that, if he hadn't lifted my hand up with a small smile. It was that vulpine smile that always secretly thrilled me, a glimpse of wicked thoughts and mischief that I couldn't comprehend. I used to think that he only gave that smile to try and put people off guard, but time had taught me he often used that smile as an intimate tease between us.

I felt my lips turning up in their own smile as he lifted my paw up higher, past his chest, before leaning forward and tipping his muzzle down. The world stopped as his warm breath kissed the back of my knuckles, his fingers curled and stroked with a gentle caress. Hiasaki lifted his eyes up so that he was watching me as he tilted his muzzle down low enough that he could brush his lips against the back of my hand. The touch was an electric burst that made my breath stutter to a halt as he rested his lips there for what felt like an eternity, his whiskers just brushed against either side of my digits. He must have saw the way the way I blushed, because his lips turned up into a wider smile and slowly lifted his head up.

"My lady." He spoke softly, a voice like crushed velvet, without sarcasm or bite. He spoke them truthfully and I sucked in a rapid breath in shock.

I opened my lips and closed them, the words that I wanted to say refused to come to my lips as he slowly released my hand and let me pull it back. I didn't yank it away like I'd been burned, I simply pulled it in close to my chest as if afraid to wipe away the sweetness of his kiss. A tremulous smile formed on my muzzle as I watched him. He hadn't said he was okay with this, he hadn't said he was going to be alright, he hadn't said anything...

_Except to call me his lady. _ I thought, the delight was almost dizzying. His lady. The rightness of that statement rang like a great bell in my soul.