Ander - Part 6: Subchapter 34
34
Mateo got dressed in the little spotlight shining in from the opening in the ceiling, a task which was much harder than normal because he kept poking his arms through holes in his shirt that weren't really arm holes at all, but the shredded aftermath of Nilia's, erm... enthusiasm.
He finally managed to get all his appendages into the right holes (he hoped), and then stopped, realizing that one of his blasted shoes had gone missing. Again.
Nilia was still sleeping soundly beneath the bear pelt, so much a like a bear herself. Looking at her made him feel so... peculiar, sort of exhilarated and guilty and happy and scared at the same time. This behemoth of a Wolfess almost strangled him to death and then proceeded to cry in his arms for the better part of an hour. She was terrifying, confusing, wonderful, beautiful, wild. Watching her sleep, he wanted to hug her close, and yet he wanted to run away screaming, too. He wanted to bury his face in her hair but he also wanted to dunk her in a hot bath and give her a good scrubbing. He wanted to kiss her and he wanted to hide away in a deep dark hole until he could get his pounding heart under some kind of control. He wanted her to wake up so he could talk to her for hours, and he wanted her to stay asleep because she looked so peaceful right there, breathing so softly, with the pelt pulled all the way up to her eyes. He wanted to be with her because he wanted to feel like this forever, but he also wanted to get away, to escape, because what if he wasn't good enough for her? This feeling of happiness and fear, of ecstasy and doubt all mixed together, it was exactly the kind of thing Kiana had called 'love'.
How long had he been standing there in his shredded shirt and single shoe, trying to figure out what to do? What was the social convention for this kind of thing, anyway? Come to think of it, maybe the social convention for Foxes and Wolves weren't even the same thing in this situation. Should he just go? Nilia herself had told him that she didn't mind, but it just didn't feel right. Sort of rude. He'd like to say goodbye, at the very least, but if anyone deserved to sleep in late, it was definitely her. Leave a note, maybe? No, there was nothing in here to write with, and she probably couldn't understand Fox writing anyway. Should he wait for her to wake up on her own? What would that look like? Sweet or creepy? He didn't know. If he could've gone back to sleep, it would have been fine, he'd just snuggle right up against her, but he was feeling so hyper he could barely keep still. Another peculiar thing, that. Last night was the craziest, scariest, most emotionally and physically exhausting night of his life, and yet he felt completely refreshed, fully charged, capable of climbing mountains with one arm tied behind his back.
And yet he was standing here, in the dark, trying to figure out what would be the politest course of action following a... what would you call this, anyway? A night of passion? That made it sound so greasy. No, this was more like a night of sharing, of growing, of... of...
Actually, he didn't have a clue. Trying to label it was probably a folly, anyway.
"Um... Nilia?" he whispered, feeling like a total tool. "Nilia? Are you awake?"
She shifted, licked her lips, and lay still again.
"Nilia? Psst? Are you asleep?"
She yawned and made a grunting sound not unlike the sleeping bear she so closely resembled.
"Ah, okay. Um... I need to go. There's still a lot of work that needs to be done to fortify the pass, and I really feel like I need to do my part. Especially after... you know."
"Urm-hrm..."
"So... I'm just going to..." Oh gods, why did this feel so awkward!? They were practically glued together last night and now it felt so...
Real.
"Hooookay..." Mateo took a deep breath and ran a hand through his dishevelled hair, trying to calm the beating of his frantic heart. "Listen, Nilia. I... I know this is a bit weird right now, this situation we find ourselves in, but... I don't think that makes it a bad thing. I actually think it's kind of a good thing, what we... um... the things that... that happened, in that way, if you understand my... my meaning... so, I was just thinking that, maybe, when this whole mess is taken care of, or maybe even before that, if you want, anything is fine, but if you do, then maybe we can have a nice talk, you and I, you know, to straighten things out. Or... we could have some tea and rusks, or... if that's too tame, we might go on a little... hunting trip, maybe? Only if you want, of course."
Oh for the love all that is good and holy you sound like some ten-year-old pup trying to ask his crush out on a date!
Is that what I'm doing? Am I asking her out?
"What I mean is," Mateo stammered on, not even sure if Nilia was fully awake or not. "Let us both not die, and then we see what happens after that, okay? Okay, good. Well, g-goodbye. I have to go now, so, yes, goodbye. And thank you for everything. Seriously, I - um. Really, thank you."
Mateo walked face first into the flap of the tent, pushing it forward with his nose before realizing it was still tied shut. He then had to spend another minute frantically untying the knots, feeling his face go hotter and hotter until he was finally able to get it open far enough for him to squeeze through.
Not that he got the chance to.
He had no sooner stuck his bare foot outside than he felt a strong hand wrap around his tail and jerk him back.
"Whoa!" He flumped down on top of the bear pelt, and next thing he knew, Nilia was hugging him like an oversized teddybear, squeezing him so tightly it felt like his eyes would just pop right out of his skull. He supposed he should be getting used to being manhandled like this, but it still made his heart pound like a trip hammer.
"Morning," she mumbled against his neck and planted a huge kiss on his temple.
Mateo was incapable of conscious thought at the moment. He was caught in that odd stalemate of emotions again. Half of him just wanted to live in her arms forever, while the other half wanted to dig a little grave in the snow, climb inside, cover it up and erect a marker that read: 'Here lies Mateo, beloved jackass. Died of emotional overload.'
She smiled and dangled his shoe in front of his nose, making it swing back and forth by the laces, not unlike the way he himself must have swung from her grasp last night. "You forgot this."
He took it with numb, shaking fingers. "Thank you, Nilia," he said, feeling so inadequate. He didn't want to thank her just for the return of his wayward footwear, but for everything. He wanted to thank her for every second he's known her, even the scary ones (especially the scary ones), but how do you do that using the same kinds of words you say to someone for passing the salt shaker? How do you turn a simple 'thank you' into something that could let your feelings be known and understood?
Nilia pulled him a little bit closer. "Come here for a minute."
Mateo was about to point out that, mushed up against her as he was, he was already as 'here' as it was possible to be, but then she threw the bear pelt over their bodies, encapsulating them both in a warm pocket of darkness, and in a way, it really was like going to a whole different location. He could feel her arms around his body, firm, but soft at the same time. He could feel the steady rhythm of her breathing, pushing against his chest. He could feel the fuzziness of the pelt rubbing against their legs, their shoulders, whispering their movements to each other in the dark.
He blinked and waited for his eyes to adjust to the gloom, but even after a minute, he was barely able to make out any of her features. The only thing that stood out with any clarity was her eyes, and he was sure those would shine just as brightly no matter how dark it became.
"Mateo, do you think I'm odd? Strange? Perhaps even crazy?"
"Well, yeah. That goes without saying."
She laughed, and Mateo felt every exhale lightly caressing his face. It was such a beautiful sound...
"I have lived the majority of my life feeling absolutely miserable," she said. "I sleepwalked through my days, trying my very best not to feel anything, but never succeeding in anything other than convincing myself of something that wasn't true, that I wasn't feeling anything, and that it was good to not feel anything. But you..." He suddenly felt the tips of her fingers lightly trailing along the contours of his face. "You can make me feel things I've buried deep inside me for years, and even more than that, you can make me feel things I've never felt before. Is that crazy? Yes, I suppose it is. And you know what? I like it. After feeling so many things, I can honestly say that it is much, much better to be crazy than miserable, and when I'm with you, Mateo, you don't just make me feel crazy. You make me feel completely and utterly insane." She came a little closer, her body whispering against the pelt enshrouding them like a cocoon, and fixed Mateo with those gorgeous green eyes of hers. "And I adore you for that."
Mateo might very well have melted into a puddle had she not been holding him so tightly.
He licked his dry lips and swallowed the lump in his throat. "That was... _really_direct."
"Of course. What do I have to fear from something like embarrassment when you can feel it for me?"
"It's better to be crazy than miserable, huh?"
"Much better."
"I think I can understand that. Because, Nilia, I... I'm crazy about you."
All became quiet in their tiny space, until it felt like they were wrapped in silence as well as darkness.
"Nilia?"
She squeezed him even tighter, pressing him against her body. He could feel the pulse beating in her neck.
"Mateo. There is something very important I need to tell you."
"Y-Yes?"
He felt her lower her head, felt her lips lightly brushing against his forehead as she whispered: "I would love to go on that hunting trip with you."
That feeling. That infuriatingly wondrously terrifyingly confusing feeling. That feeling that made him want to run for his life, but at the same time sweep her into his arms and - okay, maybe that wasn't such a good idea (or even physically possible, lest he wind up with a broken back), but the feeling remained.
By the gods, is it really possible to fall in love this fast? It doesn't seem real...
"Nilia, I -"
She silenced him by placing a finger against his lips. "No, Mateo. I talk, you listen. Understand?"
He nodded.
"I want to hunt with you. I want to go out into the woods with you. I want to build a camp with you, set up a nice little tent with you, build a fire with you, spend days, maybe even weeks with you, just the two of us, all alone. But, Mateo, that cannot happen unless we both survive the coming conflict. You need to stay alive. I need you to stay alive. If you don't... if you were to fall, then..."
Mateo managed to pull back just enough to see her face. There was a light in her emerald eyes, blazing within the shadows; the silver shine of gathering tears. He opened his mouth to speak, to comfort her in any way he could, but she immediately closed her fingers around his muzzle, locking his words inside.
"If you were to fall, it would make me very sad. It would... it would make me miserable, Mateo. Miserable like the day I lost everything. But without you to feel all that sadness for me, without you to take all those feelings and help me get them out, I'll have no choice but to lock them all away again. I'll push them deep down inside myself, so I won't have to feel any of it, but you and I both know that doesn't work. It stays there, forever, eating from the inside. I... I can't go back to living like that, Mateo. I just can't. You've taken that option away from me. You feel everything I'm too afraid to face by myself. Do you understand what that makes you? It makes you my heart, Mateo. You are my heart." She thumped her fist against the left side of her chest. "It used to be here, deep inside, protected, covered in layers of stone, wrapped in coils of chains, secured by locks upon locks. But now it wanders around outside, with you, completely exposed, vulnerable. That's why you cannot die, Mateo. If you die, it would be the cruellest, most selfish thing you've ever done, and from what I've gathered, that's saying a lot. So don't you dare die! Don't you dare drag my heart down with you! I will never forgive you! I will hold a grudge against you for the rest of my life! You unlocked my heart... you put the pieces back together... you made it whole again. After all that... If you die... If my heart breaks for a second time... I don't think anyone will be able to put it back together again. I don't think I'd even want it to be put back together again. Even the pieces... the broken, bleeding pieces... I wouldn't want them to be a part of me anymore. It would hurt too much, Mateo, and I'm so tired of hurting... I'm so tired of being in pain... I think... I think if you, if my heart, were to break again, I'd just take all those pieces and... and make it so I won't have to feel their sharp edges cutting into me anymore. I'd make it so that I won't have to feel anything ever again. Do you understand?"
Mateo couldn't stop staring at that glimmer in her eyes - that thin, curved line of light that signalled the birth of a single tear, yet to fall.
He had done this to her. He was the one who had stripped her of her armour, and he was the one who now carried her heart together with his own, sharing all the pain and suffering she could not handle by herself. It was just as she had said. He had made her vulnerable, because he was vulnerable.
He had taken her heart in his hands, all for the slight chance that they might be able to find happiness together, but he never realized before now what a huge responsibility that was. He not only carried her heart with him, he also carried her life.
What was he supposed to say to that? All the fear, the doubt, the overwhelming certainty that she had placed her faith in a Fox that was in no way capable of doing what she was asking of him, all of it was roiling around inside, and still... still she was looking at him with those emerald eyes, those eyes with the thin line of silver curving along the bottom edge, a silent promise of a tear waiting to be born.
Waiting for him.
But maybe... if he could feel her sadness for her, leaving only happiness behind, if he could take her fear into himself and leave her with only bravery, if he could do what he did last night, when they shared everything with each other, then maybe he could feel something else, too. Maybe he could feel her strength. Maybe he could borrow just a little bit for himself, just enough to see him through, just enough to help him keep this promise.
But maybe... if their hearts really were together, beating side by side, still sharing everything with each other, then maybe he didn't really need to 'borrow' her strength at all.
Just by being with her, just by looking into her eyes, just by feeling her hands on his shoulders, he already felt so much stronger than he was before, strong enough to know exactly what she needed the most.
For her feelings to be known and understood.
"I understand, Nilia," he said, gently placing his hand on top of her own. "I understand completely."
She smiled, and the silver line inside her eyes slowly disappeared. "Thank you, Mateo. Thank you..."
This subchapter used to be about 4000 words longer. There was a big part where Mateo ran into the twins, and they teased him about all the scratches on his back and made a lot of jokes, but in the end I decided to cut all of it because A) it didn't do anything to further the story, and B) I felt it detracted from the main focus of this subchapter, which was the dialogue between Mateo and Nilia. Cutting 4000 words always feels like I'm chopping off one of my own fingers, but in this case it was painfully necessary, and I knew I had made the right decision the moment I hit the delete key.
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