Zara 4
#4 of Leisure Writing
Hmph, apparently the whole thing is long enough for a whole story... Welp, might as well finish the set here before posting the whole thing together. There's more after this, but I'll hold off on posting that next segment until I know for sure how long it'll go on.
"'You can put your backpack to the side,'" she told him, "'I don't want to scare you, but...we might be here for a little while...'" In truth, he had forgotten about it all together. Still, he didn't want to take up her time, and having his backpack on would save him some time in leaving. But...she had said it would be a while, and the backpack wasn't the most comfortable thing in the world to wear. Reluctantly, very reluctantly, he slipped the straps off of his shoulders and gently set it down next to his feet. Once it was there, he sat up, clasped his paws together, and stared down at his lap. A moment of silence passed between them before Gwen spoke again. "'How are you feeling? Comfortable?'" Zara nodded. "'Are you...calmer, now that we're alone?'" He nodded again. "'Good...good...'" She paused there. "'Zara...I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings. I didn't mean to--'"
"Mm-mm," Zara shook his head, "you didn't... It wasn't you..."
"'Oh...'" Gwen replied, "'well then...do you want to tell me...why you started crying?'" Zara felt his throat close up. He closed his eyes and shook his head. "'...Oh...'" Gwen said with a hint of disappointment, "'is there...a reason why? Can you...tell me why?'"
Zara bit his lip, shifting a bit in his seat. "...N...I can't." He didn't hear anything for a bit.
"'Well...why not?'"
"Because...I don't know..."
Gwen couldn't help but sigh. "'Zara, please just tell me the reason_you don't want to tell me.'" Zara clenched his eyes closed. No, no, no! That wasn't what he meant by that! He couldn't tell her because he literally didn't know _why he was crying. "'Is it...because you don't trust me?'" she asked him, her voice trembling slightly, "'D...do you think...th-that you can't...trust me?'" He felt tears well up in his eyes upon hearing that. No, that wasn't the case at all! What should he say?! How could he tell her?! What words should he use?! What phrases would work?! He knew what he wanted to say, but not how to _say_it. Why couldn't they have just done this in a chatroom?! "'Zara, I...'" Gwen went on, "'I wanna make things right between us... I...don't know why it is that you don't trust me...but I promise I'll try and fix that...'" No, No, NO! That wasn't it! He prayed for her to stop so that he could formulate his thoughts, but she kept going. "'Zara...what can I do to get you to trust me? Please...I...'" He heard a sniffle. "'I want to help you... I...'" She choked again. "'I really do... So please, just... How can I help you?'"
A silence settled between them. Zara's mind raced as he desperately tried to think of what to say. He needed time, more time! What did he need to tell her? What did he want to tell her?! Would his words make sense? Would she understand what it was he meant? What phrasing did he need to use? All of these questions ran through his head, and he couldn't answer a single one of them! For Ho-Oh's sake, he couldn't even think of the first word to say! Stupid, stupid,_STUPID! Why couldn't he come up with one stupid sentence?! What was _wrong with him?! Why did he cry in the library?! Why did he put himself in this situation?! WHY COULDN'T HE JUST BE NORMAL LIKE EVERYONE ELSE?!
"'Oh my gods, Zara!'" Gwen suddenly exclaimed, slapping her hands over her muzzle, "'I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to make you cry again!'" As soon as she said that, he could feel the warmth of his tears as they streamed down his cheeks. Frantically, he wiped them away. No-no-no! Everything was fine! He had no reason to cry! Oh gods, now she was crying too. "'Zara, I-I never wanted to hurt your feelings. I don't understand what...what I'm doing wrong...'" He heard her hiccup. He heard himself choke. "'Zara...I'm not very receptive of how others feel, so I have a hard time figuring out how to help someone in need of emotional support... A-all I'm asking is for you to tell me how I can help you. Please...help me...so that I can help you...'" The room felt silent again, making Zara's mind race even faster. He shifted around in his seat for the sole purpose of filling the void of deafening silence.
"'...So that's it then?'" said Gwen in a hurt voice, "'You're just...not gonna let me help you?'" Zara's heart dropped. "'You just...don't want my help... Is that it?'" Zara frantically shook his head, still refusing to look her in the eyes. "'Then WHAT?! Zara, you're making it so DIFFICULT for me to HELP you! I can't just GUESS what it is you WANT from me!'" She choked again, struggling through it before going on. "'If you want me to help, then just TELL me what's wrong! I don't KNOW what to do because you won't TELL me!'" She sniffed, shuddering as she exhaled. "'Do you just want me to say 'sorry?!' Are you just looking for an apology?! What, Zara?! What is it that you WANT from me?!'"
As Gwen fell silent, Zara's soft sobbing filled the room. He just couldn't hold it in any longer; it was all just too much for him. He wrapped his arms around himself in a protective self-hug, tucking his chin against his neck as he shuddered. "I'm sorry," he sobbed, tears spilling onto his glasses, "I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I'm sorry..." he rocked himself back and forth, his shoulders jerking with every hiccup. "I didn't w-want to...make you cry... Y-you didn't...d-do anything wrong... I'm sorry... I'm sorry Gwen... It's not your fault..." He sniffled and wiped his face, moving his glasses out of the way before removing them and wiping them off. As he put them back on, he stood up and grabbed his bag. I should go." Before he could manage to get away, he felt Gwen's hand grab hold of his shoulder. He froze in place, still refusing to turn around and make eye contact.
''Zara...'" said Gwen, still choking up a bit as she spoke, "'Please don't go... I'm sorry I yelled at you... Just...please...I want to talk...'" Zara let out a shuddering breath. Wiping his nose, he sat back down and put his bag back on the ground. Once he was seated, Gwen let go of his shoulder. "'Zara...would you...look at me? ...Please?'" Zara stayed still. He didn't want to shake his head; he was sure that would just upset Gwen further. But he was afraid to look at her. If he did, he wouldn't be able to hide his emotions form her. He wouldn't be able to make her think what he wanted her to think. He was a lost cause, so why have her believe that there was anything wrong with him?
But...if he didn't turn, then it would be obvious to her that there was something wrong. So, very hesitantly, he sluggishly turned his gaze over to the grass type sitting beside him. And seeing her tear ridden eyes, her shuddering shoulders, and her saddened look of concern, no amount of illusions or willpower could have prevented what he did next.
He fully broke down in front of her, his eyes flooding with tears, and his breaths turning into erratic, shuddering gasps. He stuffed his face into his paws in a desperate attempt to hide himself, but he knew it was pointless. She had seen his emotions; there was no denying them now. He sobbed uncontrollably, feeling far too ashamed to look Gwen in the eyes. He tried to stop himself, but that only made things worse for him. He just sobbed harder. It didn't matter anyways. She was there. Looking at him. Watching him as he devolved into a hiccupping, shuddering mess of tears and wet fur. He felt so humiliated, so weak, so pathetic. He could've just walked away from all of this. He could've just left all of this behind. But no. He just had to stay and let things get out of hand. No more thoughts ran through his head. Only the sorrow he felt as he sat there sobbing.
He jerked suddenly as a pair of hands gripped onto his upper arms. The grips slackened a bit upon his jolt, then became firm again as Gwen scooted closer to him. Soon, he felt her arms wrap around him and he felt her turn him towards her. He kept his chin tucked against his neck and kept his eyes covered by his paws. No, he didn't want to look. He couldn't take any more eye contact. And then, he felt Gwen hug him close, pressing herself into him, Immediately, Zara's erratic breathing and sobs ceased, Why was she doing this?! She was mad at him! Why was she hugging him?! Now she was resting her chin atop his head. She was so intimately close... Why? Oh gods...he could feel his snout and paws press up against her chest... No! That was bad! He shouldn't be touching her there!
He tried to wriggle away, but Gwen only tightened her hug. Zara's face began to burn up. She was so soft...so--NO! These were bad thoughts to have! They had been crying just a moment ago, and now he was thinking these dirty thoughts. Desperately, he tried pushing them away, but they were just so hard to ignore. Her chest was just...so soft... No! Stop thinking that! Now wasn't the time! Oh gods, he was getting his tears and snot all over her top. He was _sure_that there'd be a disgusting trail of his snot once he pulled back. Wriggling a paw free and doing his best to avoid touching her chest unnecessarily, he sniffed and wiped his nose against the sleeve of his sweater. Once he felt like the last of his gunk had been wiped off, he let his arm drop down to his side.
He shuddered and hiccuped involuntarily, trying his best to keep himself contained. Gwen on the other hand did little to contain herself. Her crying had quickly progressed into sobbing, and she tightened her embrace around the Zoroark. And hearing this only made him feel worse. As a result, he gradually began to sob as well. With Gwen letting everything out, it was difficult for Zara to not. He felt horrible for putting his classmate through this. He would never have wished this upon her.
And yet, for as bad as he felt about himself, he couldn't help but notice as they cried into each other that...he was beginning to feel...better. The way Gwen held him so closely felt...calming. The tightness of her embrace felt...comforting. And with them crying their hearts out, he began to feel as though a great weight was being lifted off of his shoulders. Gradually, the two of them began to calm down. Sobs reduced to crying, and crying subsided to occasional shudders. Eventually, it came down to them merely sitting there in silence, with Gwen still holding Zara in her embrace. Every now and then, a sniffle was heard from one of them. But other than that, they remained silent. No words were exchanged and no looks were given. They were simply there, away from prying eyes and away from harm or judgement.
"'...I guess all you needed...was a hug, huh?'" said Gwen gently. Unsure of how else to respond, Zara just nodded from underneath her. His back suddenly tensed as he felt a hand rest upon his back, feeling it through his hair. Slowly, her hand trailed down his hair until it reached the end of his back, leaving from there to go back up to his neck. Gradually, Zara began to relax. He wasn't entirely sure of what Gwen was trying to do, but whatever she was doing was very soothing. Only now did he realize how tired he was. Having gone through both an anxiety attack and a straight up mental breakdown, the Zoroark was emotionally exhausted, and understandably so. He began to noticeably lean against the grass type despite his best efforts to sit straight. And as he sat there, he found it harder and harder to fight against gravity. Before he knew it, he was lying on his side, still in Gwen's arms. He squeaked a little, trying to sit himself back up. But he was just so tired, and he was just so comfy... He could just drift...off...to sleep...