Zara 3
#3 of Leisure Writing
And another entry is added. Admittedly, most if not all of my other journal entries involve Kamen Rider in some way, shape or form, so I'm more or less just focusing on this story until I get to an end. Here, I tried to convey how I tend to feel when I really just need to be alone, but I'm trapped in a situation where I just can't get away. Again, exaggeration of myself, as I have never broken down before. But you know...first time for everything I guess? Either way, consider this an intro to an introvert.
Gotta do this quickly..._he thought to himself as he packed, _Gotta finish before she realizes that she fell for my illusion... he rushed his packing, throwing organization to the wind. It didn't matter right now; he could always re-organize later. As soon as the last of his things was put away, he quickly zipped up his backpack and hurriedly walked away from his seat. His eyes darted left and right as he scanned the area for Gwen. If he ran into her now, he would never manage to get away. His heart pounded as he neared the exit. Please don't show up please don't show up please don't show up please don't show up... The second his paw touched the door handle, he rushed out of there. He kept his gaze low to the ground, doing his best to pretend to not notice the confused looks the morphs around him were giving him.
They didn't matter to him. So long as none of them were Gwen, he could care less about who it was he was weirding out. What's class going to be like tomorrow? She's gonna try to talk to me again... I should just sit at the corner of the class. Maybe she won't notice me. If she does, I can just use an illusion again to trick her... His heart raced faster. Oh gods, he would have to do that for a week at least. Who knew how long it would take her to give up? Just keep walking... Think things over in my room... Hopefully Jasper's out today, gone with his friends... I just need to be alone right now... I need to be in sile--
Zara jolted violently as he felt a hand grab his paw. Turning only to glance, he felt his heart jump up into his throat as he realized it was Gwen who had stopped him. "'Zara...'" she began, "'Come on... Tell me what's wrong...'" Zara turned away and shook his head firmly. "'Zara...'" she sighed a little, "'Come on. You don't have to hide from me.'" She was right. He didn't have to. In fact, at this point, he couldn't. Not with her holding his paw. Even if he used his illusions, they would be useless due to her physical contact with him. "'Zara, please,'" Gwen went on, "'I want to help you.'" Zara chocked. He didn't want her help. He just wanted to be left alone. Hell, he didn't even know why he was acting this way. Unable to muster up a response, he merely shook his head firmly. "'Zara...come on. You don't need to act this way.'" He closed his eyes, desperately trying to keep tears from spilling from them. He felt Gwen's other hand hold his paw firmly. "'Zara, it's ok. You can tell me.'"
No, he couldn't. He didn't even know what was wrong. He couldn't tell her even if he wanted to. "Please..." he croaked through the lump in his throat, "...j...ju-ah...go away..." He heard what he thought was her gasping. Oh gods, had he made her cry? He felt the grip on his paw loosen. Before he could stop himself, he stumbled forward a step or two and slipped his paw out from Gwen's hands. He looked down at his paw and caressed it as though it had been injured. Reluctantly, he turned and glanced behind him. Gwen was standing there, her hands covering her mouth, and her eyes welling up with tears.
"'I...I'm sorry...'" she nearly whispered, "'I didn't...mean to hurt your feelings...'" That broke Zara's heart. All of the tears he had been trying to hold back immediately flooded out from his eyes. He squeezed them shut and turned away. No. He couldn't let her see. He couldn't let her see him cry. He was fine._Nothing was _wrong. There was no reason for him to cry.
But despite all of that, he only cried harder.
He had hurt her feelings. He had made her feel bad. It was his fault. He was the one that had made her cry. He was to blame for her misery. Had he simply not cried and ran away like a little coward, none of this would have happened, His fault. His fault. HIS fault. He should've just stayed there. He should've just answered her question. He should've just stayed in his room today. At this point, the Zoroark could barely even see. The tears blurring his vision made it nearly impossible. But as far as he could tell, Gwen was still there.
But she was walking away.
He suddenly began a war with himself. Should I go to her? Should I leave her be? Do I go back to my room and try to forget this ever happened? What would I say? What would I do? Oh this is all too much! He wiped away his tears with his sleeve. But the second he lowered his arm, he suddenly found himself surrounded by several morphs.
"'Hey dude, you okay?'" said one of them.
"Yeah, is something wrong?" said another. Zara backed away, only to end up bumping against the morphs behind him. He scrambled back to the center, twirling round and round as he tried to find his way out. Before he knew it, more and more morphs were looking at him, surrounding him and preventing his escape. So many people... So many eyes...all of them focused on him. He couldn't get away. He couldn't hide. They were all watching him. Judging him. Looking at how weird he was. They were all so close. _Too_close. He could barely breathe. He was hyperventilating, paws pressed to his ears as he desperately tried to blot out the noise.
Just leave me alone, he pleaded in his mind, just go away! His breathing became erratic. And he began to curl up into a ball.Stay away. Don't look at me! He rocked himself back and forth. They weren't leaving. They were staying to watch him. To mock him. Ridicule him. Go away, go away, go away go away Go Away GO AWAY!!! He squeezed tighter into his ball, using his forearms to clamp his ears closed. He was shivering. Trembling. He was so afraid. So cornered. So trapped. It was hopeless. They would never leave him alone. They would never stop staring at him. He would always be labeled as that weird morph. Names, labels, insults, they would never end. Leave-me-alone-leave-me-alone-leave-me-alone-leave-me-alone-leave-me-alone-leave--
"'Everyone just leave him be!'" shouted a concerned voice. A caring voice. A familiar voice.
Gwen's voice.
Still shaking, he eased one of his arms off of his ear, listening to the shuffling of feet, and the soft murmurs of the crowd. He jerked violently as he felt a hand lay upon his shoulder. "'Hey,'" whispered Gwen, "'Come on, get up... It's okay... No one's gonna hurt you...'" he felt her rub his arm reassuringly. It felt...nice...soothing...comforting even.
Very carefully, Zara uncurled from his ball and opened his eyes, making sure to keep his eyes away from the gaze of the other morphs around him. "'That's it,'" said Gwen encouragingly, "'you're doing good...'" Gently, he eased himself back up to his feet, hugging himself with an arm and keeping his gaze low to the ground. Suddenly, he felt something wrap around him. It was Gwen's arms. She was hugging him protectively. "'He's fine, everyone,'" she announced to the crowd, "'He just needs his space. That's all.'" He heard more murmurs. Then the shadows of the others around him began to move away. Little by little, he raised his gaze higher. They were leaving. Thank gods they were leaving. Gwen rubbed his back soothingly. Gradually, he began to relax.
"'Zara?'" whispered Gwen, whom he could see from the corner of his eye, "'are you feeling ok?'" The lump in his throat was too big; he couldn't speak. So he nodded his head. "'Do you want to talk?'" He hesitated. What could he even tell her? "'Should we...go somewhere private?'" Zara nodded firmly, despite his desires to reserve himself. "'Okay. Is going to my room ok?'" Again, he hesitated. Students got in trouble if they went to the dorm of the opposite gender. They could go to his room, but they would end up with the same problem. And Jasper would probably be there too, and he didn't want to bother him. He thought about it and figured that most of the morphs around here thought he was a girl anyways, so they would probably be fine.
So he nodded to answer her question. "'Okay Zara,'" said Gwen, "'I'll take you there... Just follow me, alright?'" Again, he nodded, and she stood in front of him and started walking. He was thankful that she was leading him, for he didn't have the courage to look up from his feet. He didn't think as Gwen guided him, instead silently listening to the noise of the background. By the time they reached Gwen's room, he wasn't sure how much time had passed. But before he knew it, he was sitting beside Gwen on what he assumed to be her bed.