FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

For most of my adult life, I've lived cold, distant, isolated

Hiding far away from the traffic of a relationship, lest it be my demise

Shifting ever so cautiously, each step through tall reeds

Avoiding contact, for most of what I knew was pain

My only line to sanity was with the one friend who became more

A rock, that while unsteady, helped me balance

Teetering mitigated, I latched on and like the roots of a tree

I found soil to grow into and pull nourishment

Progress was long and life was a formidable opponent

Several eons, the battle of soul and mind raged

Until, with a final bellow, the walls began to cave

And the sunlight poured inside my soul again

Oh how I missed its embrace, its grip and warmth

Yearning, I continued the demolition, borders broken

I felt again, happiness, exuberance, joy, fullness

Playfully, I bounded through the shadows I once hid in

Risks once deemed too dangerous were taken,

I tasted what love could be, sweet honey

Craving more, I strained to stay close

But in my desire, I was reminded of the Sun

For its warmth is wonderful, but it will burn

The ever familiar tingles of pain long forgotten

Staved off by the bubble that is no more

Tear at the flesh of the mind like a scythe

Fear, true terror hiding in disappointments, hurts

Teasing at my head as I remember what once was

While I fight to keep from what was even still

Haunting memories drive me forward

But the amber eyes of rejection do not break

The gaze is ever foreboding, always present

The nightmarish daydreams concocted

Small moments that propel volatile imaginations

Visions that drive emotions into a spiral

Critical damage to a fragile machine

Operator fights to correct the mistakes

Untrained, pressing any and all buttons

I stepped out of the familiar with a smile

And though it gave me a few months

Reality was there to greet me on my return

There is never an end to the struggle

Old foes put on new masks, demons haunt

Echoing doubt in the furthest reaches

What if I'm pushed aside, left behind

Unable to keep up with another's ambition

I pant, gasp, heave, vomit and fall, gripping

The sand underneath my curled fingers

My tears saltier than the ocean nearby

What if I healed just to be forgotten again

Vulnerable once more, I realize that this is life

I do not, cannot know the outcome

So I will listen to my heart and my gut

And hope that my scars aren't reopened