FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

I didn't know what to do at the giving situation... I mean, beside that I wanted to tell him what I felt for him, I was practically clueless what to do afterwards. I've always been the sort of guy that doesn't really get involved in such things as parties, social events and group dinners. I've always kept for myself, kept the paws and fur clean and was always ready with the white towel if the situation or the social convention didn't meet my expectations. An introvert, if you want. Now, I was standing in front of the very door to one of the many bedrooms in this Bed-and-Breakfast-place where my crush apparently had taken 'residence' for this night. I can clearly confirm that we both were intentionally invited to have an enjoyful event with our fellow students for the last official time after our graduation from high school. I only participated of two reasons: the social convention dictated to me to join and in the knowledge of Allan's presence. What they didn't know there had always been something between us... I... I can't really put a finger on it but everytime I saw him nearby, or I knew of his presence, I had this urge to look where he was and I always caught myself to having my feet pointing at him. Every time he saw me he waved at me and I always awkwardly tried to answer properly but ended up making fool of myself. When I was alone after such experience I thumped my head slightly on anything I had in reach. Everytime I wanted to do more than just give these half-hearted actions, like for instance, invite him to a musical practice or lunch, ask him about his interests, or just sit in front of each other doing nothing but staring into each others eyes... well, that escalated quickly... by the way, for my excuse, his eyes are beauitful as the night sky with stars, like, literally! His eye color was primarily black but there are these small bright parts scattered all in the black pupil... the times I allowed myself to look into these eyes I saw the two most beautiful things in my world; him and the enchanting night sky with stars. Anyway, I got carried away yet again and under this dreamy road I had repeatedly lifted my paw to knock only to lower it slightly and try again. Come on, you can do it! Just... knock that fricking... door...! I just want some alone time with you to... tell you what I felt for you because I was somewhat sure that you shared the same warming and uneasy feelings for me. I remember the times where we just finished our rehearsal in the music subjects where you always went over to me by the piano so we could practice the piece you wanted to learn. You always had the time of your life when we finally were able to play the piece in duet; gave me a pat on the shoulder or two, nudged on my head, sounded excited and smiled heartily... Sigh... Here we go again... pull yourself together, sensitive idiot!

"Who's there?"

I whimped in jumpscare and felt my fur giving the goosebumps. His voice had a special cling to it; it wasn't deep but not too light and was slightly, slightly resounded. For me, it was the ideal voice to hear...

"It-it's me, Allan, Francis...!" I luckily kept my voice from cracking.

"Oh... so, what's up, Francis? I kind of went to bed so I could get up earlier.. going to the handball match, you know, so ... make it quick"

My heart started to race, I felt my breathing went faster and my face went all warm, fortunately we had furs so no blush-red-faces.

"I want to speak to you... about something very, very... very important" I'm doing it, I'm actually doing it!

Silence.

I tried hard to not freak out, excercised my calming methods but as soon I heard some footsteps behind the door I had it! I tried with all my might to try to get out there without getting caught but that was far too optimistic. Before I knew it I was halfway through the hallway when Allan had open the door and looked at me with what it seemed all the curiosity he could muster; invicible, lifted and crooked eyebrows with questionmarks all over his face. He was only wearing underpants and they were dark purple.

"What are you doing, Francis?" still held the doorknob in his paw and the other on the doorframe with more questionmarks than ever, few even flew away.

"Erhm... can we speak privately, Allan?" I said with lowered voice and made a fool of myself by nudging things in the hallway.

"Sure" he replied.

I swallowed my nervousity that kept surfacing. You can do it! Just tell him and he'll be sure to understand! We went into his 'residence' which was laid in darkness except for the cone of light that the doorframe left. As I went past through the doorframe he turned on the light where he had to adjust to the lighter room. His eyes of night were still the beauty I knew and loved.

He started with "What's the fuss, Francis?

I replied with the most stereotypical way "You may want to sit down" Too cliché, you dimwit! I gave signs to sit down at the end of the bed. Allan looked more curious than confused which for some odd reason confused me. After we took our seats and opened with a sigh without looking at him and said:

"I... have these feelings that I know are something very... huge and... important. Feelings I have for you... erhm" I looked at his bare chest and probably looked worried sick for no particular reason. He didn't repsond so I continued "I always wanted to be at your side, in good and bad times. I want to make you happy and I know even now that your happiness might as well be my happiness and... I want to protect you from anything that might be harmful... that's... what I feel for you..." I finally looked at him in the night sky... they were shimmering brillianty, more than ever.

_ Silence._

My breathe was on a trip to a marathon far away and my heart was like a fast galopping horse on its way to the dawn of light. Hell, my face could be the same color of a rose if the fur wasn't there. I could see that Allan was thinking about these words I just said. The waiting time was unbearable: I wanted to hug him, embrace him and feel his presence against mine but...

"Francis... I... didn't know that... you had these feelings for me... I-I" He looked all nervous and I felt badly that I had hooked him up in a corner. My world would either prevail and ascend into the Heavens or crumble into the dusts of Hell.

"Francis I don't... think that I can return these... feelings"

My heart sank like the ship of Titanic, struck by a sheer iceberg but I acted as it hit like a feather to steel, replied with "Okay...".

"It's okay, Francis, I-I... I know there might be a guy out there that would love you who you are... I mean I know you... you're a great guy and... I don't want to ruin it for you"

I nodded willingly to his seemly empty statement and replied with "I better get going... I'm sorry that I disturbed you, I'm really sorry..."

Rather than answering to my apology he looked uncomfortably at me with a face which I couldn't decide if it was worried or disgusted. He gave signs to me to leave him alone.

And I did... in years to come...