Ander - Part 5: Subchapter 65
65
The log was half-buried in the snow when he saw it, dead and rotted, almost invisible. If it wasn't for the broken branches sticking out of the top, they would have walked right by it, probably to die.
"Why did you stop?" Tim asked. His voice was broken and came out in hittery jittery bursts, and Valery wasn't doing too well, either. She had somehow fallen asleep on Tim's back, and that wasn't a good sign. They both knew you shouldn't let someone go to sleep when stuck outside in the snow like this, especially a small someone like Vee, but she had simply refused to open her eyes, no matter how hard they shook her. Maybe she was trying to shut out the world, or maybe she just wanted to have a few minutes where she wouldn't have to feel so much pain, and that was the only way she knew how.
Maybe it was because Luke had forbidden her to cry.
He could see her face, just barely sticking out from underneath his voluminous jacket, deathly still. If it wasn't for the small puffs of vapour coming from her nose, she might have been a corpse.
Luke dropped down to his knees and began to dig, clawing handfuls of snow to either side with fingers that went completely numb in a matter of seconds, despite his gloves.
Please don't be solid, he prayed, expecting his fingers to scrape against a splintery wall of wood at any second.Please have enough room... I don't know if I can keep going like this...
"Vee?" Tim gave her a little bounce. "Vee? Wake up. I need to help Luke."
She fluttered her eyes, dug her face deeper into the warm shadow of his back, and muttered, "Daddy?"
Luke's hands stopped and Tim shut his eyes tight, struggling to hold himself together.
Vee raised her head and looked around, so confused, and then the realization hit her all in one, cruel stroke. Luke actually saw it happening on her face, the way her eyes started to swim, and the way she bit down on her lip to keep the tears inside.
Because her big brother had asked her not to cry.
Luke plunged his hands into the snow and shovelled it back between his legs while Tim carefully set her down, telling her that he'd be back in just a minute. He sidled up beside his big brother and they soon developed a fast rhythm, gained from years at the longsaw. It didn't take them long to clear out the snow, revealing the black, gaping maw of the hollow tree trunk, an infinite hole that had probably not seen the light of day since the first snowfall of winter.
And it was the only option they had left.
"Vee, come here." She came closer without a word, her knees bumping against the hem of his jacket, her hands not even close to sticking out of the sleeves. He reached out and touched her shoulder. "Vee, we're going to rest for a while, okay? You go in first."
The hole they had uncovered made it look like the snow itself had grown a mouth with which to swallow them whole, but Vee only gave it a cursory glance and nodded again.
Yeah. After what she's been through, a hollow log didn't hold much terror. She got down on all fours and crawled inside without argument. Luke was able to see her for the first few feet and then she simply disappeared, as if she had dissolved into the shadows.
Tim started forward, but Luke stopped him. "Hold up for a second."
"What is it?"
"Let me see your hands."
"They're fine, Luke."
"Just let me see them real quick."
Tim sighed, but finally relented, sticking out his hands like a kid accused of stealing. They were covered in a fine layer of frost. Clumps of snow were still stuck beneath his claws, breaking apart and falling to the ground as his fingers shook uncontrollably. "It's not as bad as it looks," he said and brushed the snow away, angrily sweeping his hands across each other as if he were trying to beat the cold out of them.
Luke pulled off his gloves, much to Tim's chagrin.
"You're going to end up naked at this rate."
"Don't be stupid. You just dug through the snow with your bare hands and I've been wearing these for a while now. You need them more than I do."
"So we're taking turns?"
"Sure."
"When do you want these back?"
"When I need them more than you do. Now put 'em on." Tim reluctantly slipped the gloves over his shaking hands, and Luke watched him do it with an eagle eye.
You'll take good care of them, won't you?
Tim held his hands up. "There. Satisfied?"
"No, but it's the best we can do right now. Go on after Valery. I'll be right behind you."
Tim ducked his head and crawled inside, and the exact same thing happened again. He was there one second, gone the next, as if swallowed by the blackness.
Luke folded his hands across his mouth and breathed out, trying to warm them up as best he could with what little he had. He rubbed his fingers together to prepare them for what had to be done, then followed after his siblings. The wood was soft and crumbly beneath his hands, and the air was thick with the stagnant smell of decay. Dad probably would have been able to tell what kind of tree this had been simply from -
He pushed the thought away. He still had a job to do, so he would work. He'd work until his fingers were raw and bleeding if he had to.
The log wasn't very wide, but he had just enough clearance to turn around and face the entrance. He stuck his arms outside and scraped together all the snow they had worked so hard to shift, and with every scoop the already dark interior grew darker still. His fingertips screamed every time he plunged them into the frozen powder. Every tiny pebble and rotten twig and piece of bark he came into contact with felt like a rusty needle piercing his flesh. By the time he was done, his fingers really were raw and bleeding. They stung on the surface and ached to the bone. The pain was so bad he couldn't even straighten them out anymore, but he was done. The entrance was sealed, with only a small hole near the top for fresh air to get in.
It wasn't until he was crawling deeper into the danky tunnel to join his little brother and sister that he realized all his insane efforts were just another way for him to run away, because if he could keep walking, if he could keep carrying Vee on his shoulders, if he could keep digging, if he could keep his muscles aching and his lungs burning, if he could keep working at just about anything, that was time he didn't have to think about what he had seen.
"Tim? Vee?" he whispered in the darkness, feeling the icy cold fingers of fear start to wrap around his throat once again. He'd been camping many times before and he thought he knew what real darkness was, but sitting around a campfire with the moon and the stars overhead was nothing compared to this cramped place. What if there was something in this log with them? Something hiding from the cold just like they were? Something that didn't want to share its home? It felt like he was willingly crawling his way through a monstrous gullet, only to end up in some creature's stomach where he'd never see the light of day again.
What if Banno was in here, waiting for them in the dark?
It was a ridiculous thought. Banno could never fit in here, but Luke couldn't shake the feeling. What if that single, bloodshot eye suddenly appeared before him, glowing like a coal? What if he saw those giant white teeth spread out into a smile, wider and wider until there was nothing else? What if -
"Here," Tim said. He sounded close.
Luke reached out and his aching fingers brushed against his brother's leg. Just a little bit higher up was Vee. He could hear the whisper of their clothes as they shifted around, their soft breathing, their pained whimpers. It all echoed eerily through the cramped space.
Luke crawled up beside his sister and lay down. Her tiny body shook against his, even through the thick jacket he had given her. "You stay in the middle, okay, Vee?" he said and wrapped his arms around her. The curved wooden walls were already pushing them together pretty hard, but Luke pulled her closer anyway, letting her know that he was here. A shifting noise told him that Tim had done the same thing from the other side.
Time slowed to a crawl, and the only way he had of knowing that it hadn't stopped completely was the beating of his heart. All the labours of the day finally started to catch up to him, but he couldn't sleep. He was far too terrified to close his eyes. He wasn't afraid of freezing to death, he was afraid of the nightmares that might come when he closed his eyes; bloody nightmares in which he'd have to watch his father being killed over and over, murdered before his very eyes by a monster he had only tried to help.
But he could lie still, and he could keep his sister warm, and he could rest.
That's when Luke learned that you didn't have to be asleep to see nightmares.
It started as quick flashes at first, just noise inside his head. Valery, screaming. Running footsteps. Hushed voices. Then images started to fuse with the sounds, quickly turning into memories. The walls of his bedroom. Sitting up and rubbing his eyes, not sure if her voice had been real or just a fragment from a dream. Walking down the stairs with Tim. Turning the corner.
Father.
No! Don't think about that! Please don't think about that! Anything else, or nothing at all! Just please stop thinking about that!
Luke cast his mind like a fisherman casting a net, hoping to catch something, anything, other than the gruesome events that had led them to this rotting tube of wood in the middle of the night.
In a tiny whisper, barely loud enough to hear, Valery gave voice to a thought that must have been eating away at her all night. "It was my fault."
"What?" Luke asked, filled with an unexpected rush of anger. Valery clammed up immediately, but he would not let this go. In a very morbid sense, he had gotten exactly what he had asked for. Another job to do. "Valery, look at me."
"'S dark."
"Look at me anyway!" He felt around until he found the tip of her nose and he gently, but forcefully, turned her head to face him. Even though he could feel her body against his, even though he could smell her breath on his face, in the pitch black there might as well have been an eternity between them. "Listen, Vee. You're not the one who hurt Dad. It was that thing, that monster. You had nothing to do with it."
"You told me to stay away," she whispered. "You told me again and again, but I didn't listen. I saw him, all alone in the dark, and I went to him... I thought... He looked so sad, Luke..." Her voice was trembling. Her chest shuddered as she struggled to take in breath. "I just wanted to make him feel better... and now, because of me... Daddy..."
"No, Vee! No! You didn't do anything wrong! You were just being you, the sweet little girl who would show kindness to anybody. You were just being the way Mom and Dad brought you up to be. And even though that piece of filth didn't deserve the kindness you showed him, the act of giving it was no sin. Do you understand? I'm sure that if Dad was here right now, he'd tell you... he'd tell you how super proud he is of you. And he'd tell you to stay just as kind and gentle and caring and loving as you always were. And he'd tell you..." It was no use holding back anymore. He couldn't even pretend. The tears were already flowing. "He'd tell you how much he loved you. He loved you so, so much, Vee. He loved all of us so much that he did everything he could to make sure we'd get away. And if you love someone as much as Dad loved you, you don't want anything bad to ever happen to them. You want to take good care of them, like Dad took care of us... like he asked me to take care of you. So... please, Vee. Please. It wasn't your fault. It wasn't... It wasn't..."
Valery clutched him tightly, and in a small, trembling voice she asked: "Is it okay to cry now?"
"Yes, Vee." He squeezed her against his body, feeling her warmth shine out even in this damp, dark place, as well as the hot lines of his own tears cutting a path down his face. "You can cry as much you need to. You don't have to hold back anymore. It's okay."
It started out slow, just a soft hitch and a whimper, and Luke was reminded of a time years ago, when she had fallen and scraped both her knees. He had comforted her back then, too, giving her a hug and a pat on the back, telling her she was fine.
How easy things were back then, when the tears were few and could be kept at bay with a single hug and a few words of kindness.
She gasped for breath and the floodgates finally, finally opened. Heart-breaking sobs tore through her slim body with such force Luke was terrified they would tear her apart. They ripped out of her in shuddering wails and he was powerless to stop them.
"It's okay, Vee... It's okay..." he whispered, running his hand along her back, feeling absolutely useless. "I'll take good care of you, so it's okay. I promise I'll take real good care of you..."
He shut his eyes, but the darkness was so complete in this place, so absolute, it made no difference at all. They might as well have been shut the entire time.
"I miss Daddy," she whispered through her sobs. "I miss Daddy..."
"I miss him, too," Luke admitted, powerless to stop his tears from leaking down his face. "It's okay, Vee. You can let it all out. It's okay. You do what you need to. I'm sorry I forced you to keep it all in for so long, but it's okay now. It's okay."
"I didn't tell him I love him," she whispered through the gaps between her sobs. "He told me, but I was too scared to say anything back. He told me..."
"He knew, Val. Of course he knew you loved him. It's the one thing in this word he knew without a shadow of a doubt."
"Daddy..."
Luke held her and she buried her face against his chest, muffling her cries. Her face was so hot it was like holding a piece of the sun.
He heard a sniff from the other side, and the sound of an arm being dragged across a nose. Then a sob, swallowed back halfway.
"Tim."
Valery wasn't the only one who had been keeping it all locked in. An explosive sob burst out of the shadows, filled with so much misery and despair it was physically painful to listen to. Luke reached for the source of the sound until he finally felt his little brother's hand close around his fingers. He pulled his brother in close, so that they could all share in each other's warmth together. So that they could cry together. Grieve together. Simply be together.
They were stuck in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by nothing but snow and crushing darkness. They were days away from their people and there was a monster out wandering the woods, looking for them at this very moment.
But they still had each other.
They were together.
"I promise you, Dad..." Luke whispered through the tears. "I will take good care of them... I promise..."
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