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I got home that night at around half passed three in the morning... And I was absolutely shattered after having such a long day... Barely managing to keep my eyes open, I somehow got home safe... And once I parked my car in front of my house, I turned the engine off but stayed inside... I could feel how my lips were trembling and how everything slowly started to sink in... And all this time, I tried to hold myself back but once I rested my arms on the steering-wheel, I leaned over to rest my head on it and I started to cry my eyes out... Everything that happened that day and everything that was said just came over me like a tidal wave and I couldn't hold myself anymore...

I had no idea what I expected anyway... Who was I kidding anyway...? Terry said things that really hurt but it was the truth... He saw no reason why we had to stay friends and I honestly thought that we could... It was stupid of me to think that he could stay friends with his ex... Was I really that desperate to have people around me...? I suppose I was... Besides Blain, there was no one else anymore... I always thought that we all moved on but somehow, somewhere, we were all stuck in the past... Mainly because there were a lot of things that never got worked out before... And everyone went their separate ways in order to move on... People are fucking each other over when shit hits the fan... Even a group of close friends like we used to have will do so when they no longer see the value of your friendship... Blain chose for me and Meagan decided to stay with Nikki... And Terry...? Terry just chose for himself, for reasons I didn't understand at the time... After everything said and done, what could I possibly do more...? I did all I could, right...? And maybe it was time to give up... Because someone once told me that giving up doesn't always mean that you're weak... Sometimes, it means you're strong enough to let go...

Even though Meagan and I didn't always got along with each other, I still felt that this brought us closer together. We managed to put our differences in the past... That didn't mean we were best friends all of a sudden... But as I got to know her better, we started to open ourselves up to each other... And I understand that Meagan chose for Nikki and decided to stick with her... But at least Meagan was willing to try... And that's all I wanted... Just to get in touch again and work things out... I thought that Terry would be willing as well, now that this was happening... But he thought differently...

When I finally managed to calm down again, I looked up and noticed the curtains were closed but the lights were still on in the living room... Usually, Simon and Catherine would be in bed at this time of night... "Oh fuck..." With all the commotion going on, I totally forgot... I quickly wiped my eyes and grabbed my mobile phone... I stared at the display and noticed seventeen missed calls... Twelve from Simon and Catherine and five from Blain... I've been away since eleven AM and now it's half passed three in the morning... I got quickly got my things and went inside the house...

Once I got in the hallway, I took my shoes off and hanged my jacket on the peg... And as I peeked my head around the door-post, I saw Catherine standing up, and Simon sitting on the couch looking ever so worried when they noticed me coming inside... And to my surprise, Blain was sitting there on the couch as well... Catherine and Simon quickly walked up to me and gave me a firm hug... I expected them to get mad at me but they weren't...

'My goodness dear, where have you been all day...?! We were worried sick...!'

'I'm sorry...'

'Is everything alright...?!'

'Yeah, y-yeah, I'm fine... Hi Blain...'

'Hey, Ceylan...'

'What are you doing here this time of night...?'

'Your parents asked me if I knew where you were... You called me earlier this evening, told me you were going to see Terry and that you'd explain everything when you'd get back... It just took so long and I haven't heard from you since so...'

'I know, I know... I'm sorry...'

'Are you sure you're alright...?'

'Heh... I'm still a little shaken up...'

'What happened...?'

I sat next to Blain on the couch and sighed quietly as I closed my eyes for a moment... It seemed as if I wasn't going to get any sleep just yet... And I understand that they wanted to know what happened but I was just so tired... Simon quickly went to the kitchen and came back with a glass of water when he saw I was still a little upset... I looked at Simon and gave him a weak smile when he handed it over to me... I quickly chugged it down and placed the glass back on the table...

'Listen, sweetheart, uhm... I know you keep most things to yourself but... We just want you to be okay... And I want you to know that we'll listen if you want us to...'

'I didn't mean to worry you guys... I'm sorry... But so much has happened and I still can't seem to grasp it... My mind is still spinning from everything that was going on today...'

'You said on the phone that something bad was taking place... That's what got us so worried...'

I wiped my face and my eyes felt sore from all the crying... They deserved to know after I've been gone for so long... So I grabbed my glass from the table and went to kitchen to fill it up with water... Once I took my seat next to Blain again, I quickly chugged down my glass of water... And after that, I started to talk...

'I was at the mall when I got a phone call from Nikki's roommate... That unknown caller I've been complaining about...? That was actually her trying to call me all the time but I kept declining the call... And I'm really glad I answered this time...'

'What'd she say?'

'She sounded really upset and asked me if we could meet so we did... We met at King's Square where we started to talk about Nikki, which didn't reveal anything new... I felt like I was wasting my time and wanted to leave... But then her roommate told me that she found out that Nikki has suicidal thoughts...'

'Suicide...?? Oh wow...'

'Yeah... Needless to say, we didn't want to wait around to see if Nikki is for real or not... So we had a coffee somewhere and talked things through first... But we honestly had no clue where to start or what could possibly drive her...'

'Do you think the break-up might've caused her to feel that way...?'

'No... I've always had a hunch that Nikki's been through a lot of shit in her life and that there's so much going on in her mind... She just never talks about it... All these years, all that pent up anger and sorrow and something happened that finally sent her right over the edge...'

'Is that why you went to see Terry...?'

'Yes... To let him know what was going on... Except he wasn't very keen on seeing me again... As soon as he saw me, Terry and I were fighting and arguing like old times... Luckily, Nikki's roommate was with me to talk some sense into him... And even though he had a really hard time to see Nikki, Terry still went along with us...'

'To see Nikki...?'

'Yes... So the three of us went to see her and we talked to her... Terry, Nikki and I haven't seen each other in over a year and when she saw the two of us standing in her living-room... Heh... It was heart wrenching...'

'Then what happened...?'

'Well, we talked to her... Stayed open and honest and asked her why she felt that way... And even though it was difficult to stay non-judgmental, it was so sad to hear...'

'Did it help...?'

'I'm not sure, Simon... Nikki needs to know that we're there for her... All we can do is to talk to her and take her out so that she can set her mind on other things... But if Terry gets involved in all of this, it means that we'll be seeing each other more often... And that means that Terry and I need to work out our differences first if we're ever going to help her out...'

'Hm...'

'It was passed midnight when we left Nikki's place and I gave him a ride home... And we talked once we got there and we had a normal conversation about everything that happened between us... I'm willing to give it a try if it means that we can help Nikki... Terry thought differently about it... Said that we couldn't stay friends after everything that happened... He's going to help Nikki but he'll do everything to avoid me and if he can't, he'll tolerate my presence... I can't blame him for feeling that way though...'

'I see...'

'The thing is, it's inevitable for us to be in the same room eventually if we're gonna help Nikki together... And I just thought that we could at least try and stay friends without fighting each other... He doesn't see it that way...'

'Terry's always been stubborn...'

'Yeah but can honestly you blame him...?'

'At least you're willing to try...'

'Yeah... Anyway, he got out of the car and I made the long way back home... And here I am...'

I closed my eyes once more and sighed quietly when I thought things over again... Every time there's something going on and I'm so sick of it... Sick of all the drama and everything caused by myself and others... I'd stay on an uninhabited island if I could, living my life in peace... Then again, there would be no WiFi if I did... I doubt I would survive for a day... But the idea seemed nice enough...

'We're just so glad that you're home safe...'

'I'm so sorry, I should've called... But it just slipped my mind...'

'I know but... After what happened at O'Malley's with you and Blain, we were worried that something might've happened to you...'

'Oh, that... Heh...'

It stayed silent for a long time again... The four of us could barely keep our eyes open... Not so strange considering it was three AM... Blain quickly finished his drink and stood up...

'I think it's best that I'll head home then... It's getting really late...'

Simon walked up to Blain and gave him a firm handshake as they said goodbye. Simon thanked him and Catherine gave him a hug and a kiss on his cheek... It's not really that weird considering they've known him for well over fourteen years as well... They saw him growing up and Simon and Catherine came to see him pretty much as a close relative... I often thought they'd prefer him as a son-in-law over any other male I would bring home but with me "rooting for the home team", that was not very likely... The only guy I ever fell in love with was Terry who got introduced to Simon and Catherine but the only advantage Blain has is that they've known him for so long... If they'd know what was really going on between Blain and me, they'd probably forbid him from ever seeing me again...

After Blain said goodbye, I walked him to the front-door... And as we stood there in the hallway, Blain looked at me and smiled as he held my hands...

'Goodnight, Ceylan...'

'Sweet dreams... Thanks for looking after me...'

'Always...'

'Heh... You feel like hanging out tomorrow...?'

'Sure thing... I'm gonna sleep in first though...'

'I hear ya... I can barely keep my eyes open...'

Blain smiled at me once more and I threw my arms around him to give him a big firm hug... I kissed him on his cheek and caressed the back of his head...

'I love you so much, Blain...'

'I love you too... Take care, alright...?'

'I will... I'll see you tomorrow...'

'Sleep well...'

'Bye...'

Blain got out of the door and I watched him taking a right after he got out of the garden to his own house next door... After he unlocked the door, Blain looked at me while I was standing in the doorway... I gave him a little wave and smiled right back at him when he gave me a little wave as well... The door gently closed behind him after he got in... I stood there for a short a moment in the doorway until I too closed it behind me and locked up... When I turned around, I saw Simon standing there... He gave me a firm hug and wished me goodnight before going up the stairs... I was going to follow him but I saw Catherine standing in the living room, having a little smile on her face as she approached me... I suppose she saw the way Blain and I said goodbye... I gave her a firm hug and told her that I loved her... She kissed my cheek and held me close as she caressed my hair...

'He cares so much for you...'

'I know he does... And I love him very much...'

'When are you going to tell him...?'

'Trust me, he already knows...'

Catherine looked a little puzzled when I said that but before she could say anything, I gave her another kiss on the cheek and made my way upstairs... Half way up, I looked down and gave her a cheeky smile with a little wink... All of a sudden, she didn't really seemed so puzzled anymore with the answer I gave her... She sighed quietly and smiled at me... But I wasn't quite sure if she thought that Blain and I were madly in love with each other or that she knows that we're just having sex occasionally...

I quickly got undressed the moment I got in my room... Didn't even bothered to put on my nightie or brush my teeth... I flopped down on my bed and saw an email notification on the display of my mobile phone. It didn't vibrate when it got delivered nor did it gave me a notification sound. Nothing too fancy though, it was just some stupid newsletter that was sent to me this morning... I checked the volume of my phone and set it to vibrate... "No wonder I didn't hear my phone go off earlier tonight, thing's been set to silent the whole time..." But while I was busy, my phone connected to my WiFi network and started to synchronize... It vibrated as I noticed a Whatsapp symbol on the upper right corner, which indicated someone has sent me a message... When I opened Whatsapp to see who it was, I was quite surprised... Nikki sent me that one...

"Thank you so much..."

I couldn't help but to smile when I saw that... I typed "_Everything is going to be okay... We're here for you..."_Once I hit sent, it only took a couple of seconds for the checked off symbols to turn green, which indicated that she has read the message... Was she waiting all this time for me to reply...? I waited for a while to see if she was going to say anything back... I could imagine her sitting upright in bed, staring at her phone all night long, anxiously waiting for a message... Because that's what I've been doing... As I sat upright in bed and the minutes were ticking by, my eyelids started to feel heavy and I started to doze off... But I got snapped out of it the moment my phone vibrated again after a long time... Looking at the display of my phone, I noticed that Whatsapp symbol again... And saw that she replied to me once more...

"I know you are... And that's why I can't tell you what it means to me to have seen you again today... Part of me feels sad for the way things went between us... But it also makes me happy to know that despite everything that happened, you still care... It makes me feel that you're still part of my life, even though you may think differently... And I can't blame you for moving on... But you've always been a strong-willed woman... I've seen it countless of times, ever since the day we first met... And if I had half the strength and will-power that you possess, I know you and I would've made it... I gave up on you because I gave up on myself and I'll never forgive myself for that, because I saw what it did to you... But there's hasn't been a single day gone by without thinking of you, feeling heartfelt regret that I ever let you go... How I wish to give you answers... But how can I if I don't even know for myself...? Maybe one day, I'll be able to tell you everything... But even if I can, I know it wouldn't make much of a difference to you because I know it will be too late... All there's left for me is to hope that someone will make you truly happy in a way I failed to do so... I hope that you've found what you were looking for... But what I hope most of all is that you understand when I tell you that there's an empty void in my heart that no one can ever fill up like you did, either as friends or as lovers... And perhaps these words have little meaning to you... But I just miss you so much..."

All of a sudden, I felt wide awake and couldn't help myself to shed a tear after reading that... She never was good at expressing herself... And here she was, pouring her heart out... Reading that message over and over again made me realize how important I was to her... And perhaps I still am... I felt like I had to say something, anything... But what was I supposed to tell her...? After reading her message, I wasn't too sure if staying in contact would be such a good idea...

The minutes were ticking by as I kept reading that message over and over again... "Nikki is my ex..."_It's the only thought that went through my mind... _"Staying friends with your ex is like when your beloved goldfish is dead... You don't want to flush it down the toilette but don't plan on keeping it either..." Terry's words were echoing through my head, as if it was mocking me... For fucks sake, I went through this shit today only to realize how difficult it will be to stay in contact with her... How can I even help her if staying in touch with her will prove to be so difficult...? And yet it's the only way for me to help her... Of course I miss her too... But I didn't forget all the pain she caused me unintentionally... And I felt that was the only thing that was waiting for me if I kept seeing her and perhaps that's the reason why I doubted... Reminiscing the past and staying there, not moving on while that was all I ever wanted... I didn't understand Terry at the time, why he didn't want to stay friends... But now I do and I can't blame the way he felt about it because now, I felt the same way about Nikki as Terry felt about me...

My mind was so chaotic and confused and it was a cluster fuck of emotions when I read that message, I can tell you that... All of these voices in my head telling me everything I already knew and why it was such a bad idea to stay with her... My pride yelled that I could have someone so much better than her_..._Experience yelled that it happened before and it'll happen again if I keep seeing her... Reason said that she'll never be happy with herself, so how could she make me happy if she's not even content with herself...? But my heart whispered that I shouldn't give up on her...

I could've abandoned her, like everyone else who chose not to deal with her anymore... Abandoned her when she needed them the most while she was always there for others... In fact, I actually did abandon her when she gave up on me... Until now... I remember my grandmother telling me once that you can try and you might fail... But if you fail to try, then you've already failed... She needs me... Isn't that reason enough for me to put my feelings aside in order to help her...? She only gave up on me because she gave up on herself... That doesn't mean I should give up on her again because I already did that once... Nikki had her flaws, of course she did... But sometimes, you just gotta look passed that... Sometimes, you need to look at what is the same instead of the differences between two people... Because it defines them for who they really are... It made me realize that Nikki and I aren't so different... And if she can see that, why can't I...?

Fifteen minutes passed since she has sent that message... All this time, I was staring at my display, wondering and questioning so many things... I sighed quietly as I wiped the tears out of my eyes and looked at my display again...

"Nikki Last seen today at 03:16 AM"

She was still waiting... A response, a reply, anything so that she can fall asleep in good conscious... Maybe it's something I needed too in order to sleep peacefully... I looked up her name in my contact list... I hesitated for a moment to call her... But I had to, especially after the message she sent me... So I dialed her number... It rang a couple of times before she picked up... She answered her phone, talking very quietly...

'Ceylan...?'

'Hi...'

'Hey... Aren't you feeling sleepy...?'

'A little... You...?'

'I can't sleep...'

'Hm... What's keeping you awake...?'

'I still can't process what happened today... When you and Terry came by...'

'Were you surprised...?'

'Yes, to say the least... But I feel more ashamed that you guys know about it...'

'All the more reason for us to say in touch...'

'I-I know but... It's not your burden to bear... I've seen what it did to you before and uhm...'

'You've always kept it to yourself...'

'Heh...'

'I can understand if there are things that you don't want to discuss with friends... I can understand that you might've felt uncomfortable discussing certain things with me... It's not always so easy to talk about your problems, especially when it has such an impact on your every day life and the way you feel...'

'Yeah...'

'What happens is that you'll spiral down in your own negativity... People who love you want to help but they don't know how if you don't tell them what's going on... And perhaps you might feel that your burdens aren't theirs to carry... But as long as you don't tell them, the people who love you will feel so powerless... It will gradually lead them to feel so frustrated that they can't do anything to help you... They feel so powerless and at some point, it will affect them too... You'll drag them down with you, unintentionally...'

'I see...'

'And they ultimately need to make a choice between looking after you or looking after themselves... When someone has tried and said everything but couldn't help you with that, what's there left for them to do...? Why would they still try to help you when they know it's meaningless...? What reason would they have to stay with you when they know you are dragging them down with you...? Sometimes it's best keep someone out of your life so that someone doesn't drag you down any further...'

'Heh... Is that how you feel about me...? Is that why it went wrong between us...?'

'Yes...'

'Oh...'

'You dragged me down to the point it affected me too... And I couldn't handle it anymore...'

'I-I never meant to...'

'I gave up ever since you broke up with me...'

'And yet here you were today...'

'Yes...'

'Why...?'

'Because you and I are not so different... Sometimes, you need to look at what is the same instead of the differences... I've been through the same things that you're going through... And I know how difficult it is when there's no one around to help you get back up again...'

'Heh...'

'But I still want to be there for you when you need me... I know I couldn't help you... And if I can't help you, find someone who can... And that's what you did, right...? You've sought help by seeing a social worker... It's a step forward, which is good... All that matters is that you feel better and not live your life in constant fear...'

'I-I know...'

'Don't let it take you over... You don't deserve that...'

It quiet for a moment as I wiped my eyes... Nikki scraped her sound and I heard her sniffle every once in a while, as if she was crying... She sighed and took a deep breath every once in a while... But then she started talking again, very quietly...

'You didn't deserve that either...'

'What do you mean...?'

'I've neglected you, in more ways than one... Failed miserably to make you happy, to be the girlfriend that you deserved...'

'Heh...'

'B-But, it's just... Everything just went way too fast for me to understand... You are the first girl who's feelings were mutual... And I've waited so long for that day to come... But when it did, I had no idea what I had to do...'

'Because I was still Terry's girlfriend at the time...'

'Yes... It didn't felt right to see you behind his back... But I had to...'

'Things only got more complicated after that...'

'Exactly... The night you came out to your parents, you were so upset when your mother didn't took the news very well... You stayed with me that night and uhm... Heh...'

'Yeah...'

'I-I never... Never got to explore a woman's body before and all of a sudden, it was right there in front of me... It was everything I ever dreamed of... You were so close yet seemed so far away, you know...?'

'Because I was still together with Terry...?'

'Yes... I felt guilty for seeing you behind his back, while I kept up appearances whenever I saw him... That's why I had to tell him...'

'I know...'

'And once Terry disappeared out of our lives, I realized that I was the cause of that... I was the cause that the two of you broke up... I betrayed my best friend over you... And I never wanted that to happen... '

'Hm...'

'And all of a sudden, you two showed up today and uhm... Heh...'

'Despite everything that happened, we still care... All of us want you to be okay...'

'I know... But I can imagine it's not easy for you to see me or Terry...'

'It's not easy, no... But I want to help you... And how can I help you if I keep reminiscing the past...? You and I can't change what happened...'

'Does that... Uhm... D-Does that mean you want to come back to me...?'

'No... Not like that...'

'Oh...'

'I don't want to give you false hope, Nic...'

'I-I understand...'

'If we're really meant to be together, we'll find our way back to each other... But for now, we need to focus on one thing at a time and not get ahead of ourselves... Not just for you but for me as well...'

'I see...'

'I'd like to try and stay friends for now... But that means that the feelings we had for each other needs to be put in the past...'

'To start all over again...?'

'Yes...'

'Heh...'

'I think it's the only way for us in order to be on good terms with each other...'

'What about Terry...?'

'I told him the same thing but sadly, he doesn't see it that way... He'll tolerate my presence but other than that... Heh...'

'I see...'

'I suppose he can't put our differences aside...'

'And you can when you keep seeing me...?'

'I'm not saying that I can... But I'm willing to try because I owe you that much... And hopefully, you can do the same...'

'Heh...'

'Because I miss you too and uhm... I still hope we can be friends...'

'Me too...'

'Everything is going to be alright... Just try to get some sleep now, okay...? Everything will look a lot more brighter tomorrow...'

'I will... Thank you...'

'No worries...'

'Yeah... No worries...'

'Goodnight, Nic... Sleep well and I'll talk to you soon, okay...?'

'Sure... Goodnight, Ceylan... Sweet dreams...'

I stared at the display of my telephone with the intention to hang up but I didn't... I just kept staring at it while the timer kept ticking by... Neither of us wanted to hang up on each other... Ultimately, the call got disconnected by her... I sighed quietly and placed my phone on my night-stand while I turned off the light... Once I got comfortable in bed, I closed my eyes in order to fall asleep... Sighing quietly, I kept wondering how the hell I was going to pull this off...

Getting in touch with people you used to know is difficult... Especially when there were a shit load of bad things going on and everyone blaming each other for it... If Nikki was still cherishing hope that the two of us could fall in love again, things wouldn't have turned out the way they did... And that's why I had to be clear on that... Even though I said I didn't want her back, deep down inside, I still wanted to... But if we did, nothing would've changed... And I thought I could... But staying friends proved to be so much more difficult than I imagined... Time had to tell where it was all leading to, for better or worse...