FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

Pitch Black is the second arc of The Underground series

Chapter 16 of 22

All The Wrong Reasons

Her eyes saw the words, but her brain refused to believe what she was seeing. It was hard to get around it, for print media didn't lie. He was dead; burned to death in his own home. Or at least that was the story the media picked up on. She didn't understand why she couldn't force herself to look away. Jenna wasn't sure what she felt right now. She felt frustration, stress, and a little resentment in wake of all of this. He couldn't help himself; Alias had to kill.

Shaking her head Jenna stepped back from the table in the locker room of Delirium. It was like she didn't know Alias anymore. After what he had said to her, she didn't really know how to approach him. Did he really want her to leave? That's the impression he left her with the other day. If that was truly what he wanted then maybe it was something she just had to accept. Chalk up another home that didn't work out for her.

The vixen jumped slightly as the door to the locker room opened without warning, Alias standing in the threshold. Folding her arms, Jenna walked back to her locker, shutting the door now that she had changed into her work uniform.

"I just wanted to remind you that we're moving on Waverly tonight." She heard Alias say in a dry, dark tone behind her. "I'll probably be gone for a few days... I just wanted to let you know."

Jenna didn't move or even say anything. She wasn't sure what to say. Leaning her forehead against the locker, she took comfort in the feeling of the cold steel to her forehead, letting her eyes shut. Like static electricity, she could feel the tension between them like a tangible substance.

"You should get some sleep." Alias offered, trying to sound positive. "You look tired."

At this Jenna shook her head slowly. "Please don't tell me what to do, Alias." She replied quietly, walking away from her locker and Alias, moving to a mirror.

Watching the black fox's reflection in the large vanity mirror she saw him shrug and shake his head. "I'm just trying to be supportive."

"Look," Jenna explained, using her fingers to make minor alterations to her hair, "I'm just trying to figure some things out right now, okay?" She replied. "I'm just trying to find a way to deal with all of this."

"I hope to God you're still not stuck on all of that with Miles." Alias spat, sounding perturbed. "I made a choice Jenna, and it got us what we needed. If you're not willing to get your paws dirty then-"

"Jesus, Alias!" Jenna shot back exasperated. "It's not about that! It's never been about that!" Her head dropped to her paws, as she cradled her forehead in her palms feeling defeated. "I mean, don't you see what you've become? Don't you realized that what you're doing isn't you?"

"Isn't me?" Alias scoffed. "Since when did you become my self-appointed conscience?"

Seeing this was going nowhere, Jenna turned around ready to leave. "I'm not doing this again..." She muttered walking towards the door. "You justify it to yourself any way you want."

"I didn't come here to fight with you again, Jenna!" Alias barked. "Yeah, I made a choice, but who the hell are you to tell me I was wrong?"

Jenna turned around, looking right back into his green eyes. "Because, I think you're the one who feels the need to justify this! I'm willing to bet that somewhere in that twisted mind of yours you're feeling something, even if you don't know what it is!"

Alias slowly took a few steps towards her. "You think that, do you?" He asked her. "Since when did I bear my soul to you? You really think you know what I'm all about, or are you really just that arrogant?"

Heat suddenly began radiating from the vixen's face as Alias's words fell upon her ears. "You know what? You're right. I really don't know who you are anymore. All I know is this new person, whoever the hell you are, sucks! The Alias I know fought for survival. You kill for vengeance, like causing more hurt will make you feel better about everything." Jenna couldn't stop herself as she let out a slight laugh of disgust. "So, the real question is do you do this because you truly can't help yourself, or is there some sick pleasure that comes with it?"

Alias's eyes narrowed. "Just what the Hell are you insinuating? That I get off on killing people?"

"You know sometimes I wonder." Jenna shot back, paw on her hip. "You got what you wanted. You found out where Waverly Hill is and yet, a world renowned doctor winds up dead in his home."

The black fox shook his head. "What the Hell does that have to do with me?"

"Dr. Robert K. Openshaw!" Jenna hissed, grabbing the newspaper from the table behind her. Whipping her paws around she slammed the paper into Alias's chest. "How fucking dense do you think I am? Did you really think I wouldn't connect the dots?"

Alias looked at the paper, before simply tossing it aside. "I never said you were dense!" Alias retorted, annoyance in his voice. "Maybe if you'd just asked then maybe you'd know that-"

"Just asked, huh?" Jenna cut him off. "Alias, you've made it pretty damn clear in which areas you don't want me in your life." Jenna could feel her words saturated in venom. "That happens to be about every area."

"When did those words ever leave my mouth, Jenna?" Annoyance turned to just plain pissed off.

"They didn't have to, Alias!" Jenna replied heated. "You know, ever since I've been here all I've tried to do is be something positive in your life. And God damn it, I've tried! I've tried so damn hard!" Despite her best efforts, Jenna couldn't stop her voice from catching as she spoke. "But maybe that's not what you want! Maybe being alone is what you want!" Jenna stepped back from Alias, feeling it almost painful to be that close to him. "I don't know what's happened to you, or who this other person is, but you're not the same fox I came here with! I was someone important to him, and so was he to me! What you're doing is sick and twisted!" Jenna didn't even want to look at Alias anymore, it just hurt too damn much. She didn't really know what else to say anyway. After about five feet, she stopped. There was just one more thing. "You know what the most fucked up part is?" Jenna asked Alias, who had said nothing since her tirade. "Xen Hets tortured people to get something because he couldn't any other way. You get what you want, and yet you do it anyway. What does that make you, Alias?"

Alias didn't respond to this. There was something in his silence that seemed to bite back at her worse than anything he could have retorted with. Almost immediately after the words had left her mouth, Jenna regretted them. She knew it wasn't true, but there was something that kept her from taking any of it back. She felt her pride and anger override her logic. There was something about cornering Alias that both shocked and worried her. Moreover, the satisfaction she should feel for finally winning an argument was not there.

"You know what, Jenna?" Alias finally said slowly. "I'm not going to stand here and explain myself to you, a Milk Carton of all people. You're elementary style logic in this world won't get you far at all. Not when you refuse to see the world for what it truly is." Alias leaned in closer. "Wake the fuck up." He commanded in a sinister way. "Maybe if you knew, maybe if you could wrap your little naïve head around what I'm doing, what I put myself through night and day, then maybe you'd understand. But you don't, and you never will. I don't have the time or patience for you to come around. And I sure as Hell am not going to put up with you bitching about every decision I make!" Alias shook his head in disgust, causing a whole new firestorm to erupt in Jenna. "You know, I wonder how many qualms you'd have if I'd tortured someone to find you when Hets grabbed you outside your own home." Alias cocked his head to the side. "Funny how the rules change when it's not your life on the line. You're so quick to pass judgment on me, but I guess you're used to looking down on people considering where you came from."

Jenna felt her fists ball up in fits of rage. How dare Alias say something like that! How dare Alias even suggest that she looked down on anyone just because of her background! She had put herself out there as much as anyone else had! That assassin was going to kill her next, not Alias. How dare that bastard even hint at the idea when he knew about what kind of fucked home life she came from?

She wanted to yell every thought at Alias. She wanted to put him back in his place like she had done earlier. She wanted to unload on him, make him feel like shit just by using words. But her body rebelled against her. Her throat locked up and her eyes began to burn with a vengeance. Her knees began to tremble as her whole body became overwhelmed with anger.

Before she could even stop herself, her paw passed opened-handed across Alias's muzzle. There came a loud crack that sounded throughout the quiet locker room as Alias instinctively turned his face in the direction of the slap. As he slowly turned to look back at her, she could read the rage in his eyes, but Jenna couldn't muster the strength to care any longer. So many bitter feelings flooded her soul that she just couldn't care about him anymore.

"You asshole..." Jenna managed to barely choke out before her paw clamped over her mouth in embarrassment of her voice breaking.

Jenna couldn't even be around him anymore. She just felt tainted with the blood of those he had killed. Plus, she wouldn't give him the satisfaction of seeing her cry. She wouldn't let him have that personal victory. In a near run, Jenna burst from the changing room and back on the Delirium floor. She rocketed through Abby's bar, grabbed a tray and blew threw the other side. She didn't look at Abby or Mick who looked like they were in the middle of a conversation. She just couldn't deal with anyone right now. She wanted nothing more than to make it through the rest of the evening without incident.

"Hey, excuse me!" A voice called out to her, but Jenna kept walking. She didn't need this. She couldn't handle it. Not now.

"Hold on a sec!" The voice called again, as Jenna picked up her pace through Delirium.

Please, just fuck off!

"Hey!" He called out after her as Jenna clamped her eyes shut, paw latching onto her arm below her elbow gently. All her inner frustrations had pent up so much they were about to burst. She really, really didn't need this right now. She really didn't need some asshole trying to feel her up, or thinking they were smooth talking her, when really they were implying she was some slut. She could deal with that any other time than now. "Slow down there!"

"What?" Jenna snapped, her livid festering anger tainting her voice. She spun around so fast on her heals the doxie, who had been following her, actually took a step back in surprise. "What is it?" She barked at him. "What do you want from me? Do you want to feel me up? Call me a whore because I'm forced to wear this fucking work uniform? Do you have any idea how uncomfortable it is to wear things like this? Having everyone look down on you just because of the clothes you wear?" Jenna snarled, unloading on him. The dachshund's face showed he did not expect such a firestorm. "You want to see up my skirt? Give me your fucking phone! I'll snap a picture; save us both some trouble and it'll last longer! Do you have any idea how many arrogant pricks I have to deal with on a daily basis?" Jenna stepped forward getting in his face. "Just because I work here, and have to dress like this doesn't mean I'll fuck anything with two legs! So pass the fucking word!"

Jenna could hear her heart beating loudly in her head, her adrenaline surging through her veins. They both stood there in silence for a few minutes before either one of them said anything.

"Can I say something now?" The doxie asked carefully.

Jenna rolled her eyes, paw going to her forehead in frustration. She was already going to get shit from Abby once this guy complained about her.

"What?" The vixen asked exasperated.

He stood there, a sympathetic look gracing his muzzle. "I know you girls take breaks every so often. I was just wondering if I could buy you a drink on your break."

Jenna ran her paw through her hair. If she said no, then there was more of a possibility he would complain about her, and then she'd have to deal with that. If she said yes, he could get the wrong idea, and her reputation could be on Alora's level.

"Just a drink. Like seriously; nothing more, nothing less." He offered, trying to get her to agree. "If you don't like something, you can walk away whenever."

"You just want to buy me a drink?" Jenna asked skeptically.

He took a small step towards her. "Believe it or not, I know what you girls go through. It makes me pretty appreciative that I'm a guy in The Underground." He explained. He was well-dressed, white button down shirt untucked from his jeans, leaving the top button undone in a stylistic manner. His hair was gelled not in the contemporary manner like Mick's, but a little more flamboyant. It reminded Jenna of the cartoons she'd seen from other countries; all crazy in it's spikes, and yet parted at the same time. "I know you don't remember me, but ever since I first saw you, I've been trying to sit at the tables you usually waitress."

He was young, maybe only a little off Alias's age.

"You have?" Jenna's brow crinkled into a scowl. "What for?" She asked confused.

"So I could get to know you better. Find out who this mystery vixen is who just popped up out of nowhere." His paws flopped at his sides, unsure of what to say next. "It's just a drink and you don't even have to talk if you don't want." He paused to think. "Actually, that could be a good idea. Most of what you've said to me sounded like you were ready to castrate me."

Jenna couldn't help a slight laugh escape and a smile fade across her lips. "What happens when I have a drink with you, and I have a dozen other pissy guys who wonder why I won't spend my break with them?"

He clapped his paws together. "Tell them I'm gay!" He offered quickly. "I'll totally go with it!"

Letting out a sigh, she shook her head. His hair made that part believable. As it happened, Jenna had seen him around Delirium, although she had no idea who he was. The other waitresses had talked about the group he was usually with, and what they were all about. Only tonight, he seemed to be flying solo,

"One drink." Jenna agreed. She couldn't believe she was doing this.

The doxie grew a huge smile. "Sweet! When's your break?"

"Hell with it." Jenna shrugged. "I'll just take my break now. It's kind of dead anyway."

"What's your poison?" He asked.

"Just a club soda." She replied. "I really can't handle anything more right now."

"No prob." He replied, and started walking toward Abby's bar.

Taking a seat at the nearest table, Jenna smiled slightly to herself. She forgot what it was like having a guy buy her drinks. She forgot what it was like to have someone's general attention, more than just as a possible fuck for the evening. It brought her back to her years in Palamont, before The Underground, before The Invisible war, before Alias.

Alias...

Her smile seemed to fade from her face as memories of recent events seeped back into her thought process. No matter how mad she had been at him for saying all that, and no matter how hurt she was by his words she couldn't ignore this hollow feeling lingering in her very core. It's not like she had been a saint with him either. Jenna recognized that comparing Alias to Hets was about as low as she could have gone. Jenna's past helped her grow some pretty tough skin over the years. She had taken verbal abuse from people and simply turned the other cheek. But there was something about Alias that let him cut right through her. She seemed to fully understand it, and at the same time become totally bewildered. Regardless, it just left her feeling empty on the inside.

"I swear, I've never seen a more depressed cocktail waitress."

Jenna jumped slightly as she turned around to be greeted by the doxie.

"Yours" He offered her a glass of clear bubbling liquid, which she accepted.

"It's just been a long day." She dismissed in a calm tone.

He nodded. "I feel you. I'm Otto, by the way." He extended his paw.

"Jenna."

She felt his fingers run over her velvety paw as their fingers met. Incidentally, she also notice his eyes were focused a little further down than necessary. Then again, he was male. Nobody's perfect.

"So the mystery vixen does have a name." Otto nodded, smiling.

Jenna took a sip of her drink. "You sound like you were in doubt or something."

"I wasn't sure if angels had names."

Jenna laughed out loud at this. "Ok, any more of that and I'm going to have to leave."

Otto, however, laughed in return. "Too much, huh?"

"Big time."

"So, what's up? You look like, depressed or something." Otto asked, drinking what appeared to be whiskey and coke.

The vixen wasn't sure if she was ready to go into this with a total stranger. Given, he seemed nice enough right now, but there were some serious creepers out there.

"I've just had a lot on my mind." Jenna replied, leaning on the table and resting her forehead against her paw. "It's stupid really."

"Break up with your boyfriend?"

Jenna looked up and blinked. "What?"

"First of all, there's no way you can be single." Otto replied. Even though it was a lame line, Jenna smiled anyway. "And you're always leaving with that guy who wears all black. Until lately that is." Otto took another drink. "He hasn't been here for a few days, and you've been walking around here pissed at the world."

Jenna shook her head at Otto's words. "He's not my boyfriend." Jenna corrected. "He's someone who I thought I could be something good for, but as it turns out, he doesn't want anything to do with that." Jenna scoffed. "Or me, for that matter."

Otto scowled. "Is he fucking retarded?"

"We're just two very different people, and I think we're starting to realize that."

Otto nodded slowly, looking down at the table for a moment in thought before returning his gaze to her. "Nothing blows more than when you find out that you have nothing in common with someone you thought you knew." He replied. "Eventually, something comes along that's the last straw and everything melts down. It's an icy, lonely feeling, like you've just been tossed aside."

Jenna couldn't help but to be amazed as the doxie seemed to pluck the very thoughts out of her head and verbalize them in ways she didn't think were possible.

"The hardest part is admitting to yourself you made a mistake and that they were your mistake." Otto continued. "What sucks the most is that you feel like you only have yourself to blame." He leaned back and chuckled. "Am I talking too much?"

"Oh, no." Jenna replied quickly. "You're actually so right, you don't even know."

"Maybe some day he'll realize how badly he fucked up when it comes to you."

Jenna shook her head. "He's not missing much."

"Oh come on, we both know-" Otto started.

Jenna cut him off though. "No, its true." She shrugged. "I mean, I'm not self loathing or anything, but I mean I'm just not like everyone else down here."

Otto scowled, confused by her words. "How do you mean?"

"I'm not from around here." Jenna explained. "And by ‘here' I don't mean Arcadia. I'm talking about The Underground."

"Seriously?" The doxie asked, leaning back in his chair. "How much time have you put in?"

"About six months."

"Not bad," Otto replied, "still a bit overwhelming I suppose though."

Jenna let out a sigh of exhaustion. "God, you aren't kidding. I can't help but feel like all I'm doing is fucking up around here. I can't even keep a civil relationship with the one person I left everything behind for."

Otto remained quite for a second. Jenna took a sip of her drink. Her mind was already telling her she was making Otto feel awkward by saying all this. He was probably just hoping to charm his way into her bed. The bad part was, Jenna had been feeling so down lately she almost didn't want to be alone tonight...

"You know, you don't sound like you're talking about a friend." Otto stated slowly. "I hate to pry, but it just seems like he means a lot to you."

Jenna smiled slightly. "Alias and I are... were friends. I cared a lot about him; I still do. But I don't know if I can live with someone who can treat me the way he did and not even seem to care. I mean, it's like what's the point, you know?"

Otto's face grew an angry look, his eyebrows slanting down. "Does he hit you?"

"No!" Jenna replied almost immediately. "No, not at all. I know him well enough to know he's too good for that." Jenna paused for a second, reliving their meltdown of an argument. "I know he'd never touch me. Doesn't mean what he says doesn't hurt though."

"Well, my question is why stay with someone who acts like you don't mean shit to them?" Otto questioned. "What keeps you with someone like that, when you could be happy with someone who truly wants to be with you?" Leaning forward, he laid his paws down on the table; brushing up ever so slightly against hers. "Why not be happy with them instead?"

Jenna nodded. Otto made a valid point. If she truly was excess baggage that Alias toted about, something for him to just put up with, then what were her reasons for staying? She liked hanging with Abby, and enjoyed Mick's company but Alias had been the reason she stayed in The Underground. What was keeping her here now? Jenna wasn't arrogant, but at the same time she had a sense of self worth that went beyond thinking she was an obligation that wasn't needed or wanted. She wondered why Otto was telling her this.

Why not?

What was it keeping her stuck in one spot, with a sense of loyalty to someone who was apathetic to her? After inviting Otto back to her room, Jenna could feel his lips trace over her skin. His hands wandering over her body like a lover's would, creating sensations like explosions of blissful shocks. Allowing him to take her as he pleased, not complaining or protesting in the least, she sought the comfort of the illusion of love that was expressed through their bodies. Her eyes tearing over, caused by a mix of sadness and regret; sadness that things had not gone as she hoped, and regret that she couldn't do more. Otto didn't love her, he hardly knew her. The fact was the feeling was mutual. He was in it for himself, and so was she. It may be an act of selfishness on her part, but if her partner in crime didn't mind then why should she? By exposing herself in the most intimate way, Jenna allowed Otto to do something for her that no one ever had. Thinking about it, the situation wasn't ideal, but at the same time at least she wasn't alone anymore. Her small shocks aligning together and her emotions going supernova in her head and extending to every tip of her body, producing such a mix of raw feeling that she wanted to cry out in pleasure, pain, joy and sorrow.

The whole experience only leaving her more hollow than before.

"Hey... you still with me?"

Jenna's daze broke with Otto's words. She looked up from the table, glancing around Delirium. "Yeah... sorry. I was just thinking about something."

"You never answered my question." Otto reminded her politely.

Jenna inhaled slowly. "It's because I don't have a good answer." She replied. "Maybe I don't belong here anymore. It's a truth I might just have to deal with."

Otto nodded, looking down at the table. "Maybe if you step back for a second, look at this objectively, maybe you'll realize that it's not you who should leave." The doxie looked up at her. "You have just as much right to be here as anyone. Just because something doesn't work out doesn't mean it was you."

"What makes you think that?" The blue vixen asked.

"Because I think you'll find that there are those out there who wouldn't take you for granted. Someone who can't wait to get back to you, or see you. Someone who just can't wait another second to talk to you." A warm smile grew across his muzzle. "Someone who would go out of their way just to be around you. Maybe all you have to do is take a chance on someone."

Jenna slowly leaned back in her chair, with a small, disheartened smile. "Either you're really good at this, or you're really sincere." Jenna said quietly. "Either way, you're right, and I know it." However, the vixen shook her head, speaking what was on her heart. She just wasn't in the mood to leave things ambiguous. "But when it comes to things like this, how often does logic ever play into it?" She shook her head. "My situation's different." She continued. "I thought I found my place in the world, and maybe I was just pulling the wool over my own eyes. I don't know." Sighing deeply, she knew what the best move for her would be at this point. It was all she had left. "Thing is, I doubt I'll be in The Underground much longer."

Otto shook his head. "I really hate hearing that. Seeing that I just got you to finally sit down with me." As soon as the words left his mouth, there came a shrill beeping. Jenna's eyes went to his coat where the sound seemed to originate from. Otto reached inside his jacket and pulled out a small cell phone. His canine eyes scanned over the small screen, out of sight to Jenna, then put it away. "Aw shit..." Otto sighed, sounding tired, "no rest for the wicked."

"You have no idea." Jenna muttered to herself.

"Sorry, what?" Otto asked, looking back to her.

"I said I need to get back to my tables anyway." She thought up quickly. That was one can of worms she didn't want to get into tonight. "Thanks for the drink, Otto." She said politely as she stood up and began to walk away.

"Hey."

Otto's paw latched onto Jenna's arm gently, getting her attention. Jenna stopped, looking back to Otto, wondering what he would say next.

"You know, maybe you've found where you belong. You're just with the wrong person." He whispered quietly to her. "You never know, the answer could be staring you in the face."

The vixen felt his paw trace softly down her arm, and over her paw. Otto smiled at her, and turned and walked out of the club. As he did, Otto became the catalyst in Jenna's mind that exploded into a long process of thoughts that had been pent up in her head. Maybe all this loyalty to someone she hardly knew was simply some kind of obligation for saving her life back in Palamont. Maybe it was all the stress she was under that made Alias seem like such a better option. Jenna knew what she had done. She had let her emotions get the better of her, and like a bride who married her husband on the drop of a hat, here she was six months later regretting her decision. Jenna had no desire to return to her old life. As it happened, she despised the very notion. However, she had always been one to admit a mistake when she made one; she had with Alias. As her vulpine eyes looked around Delirium she stopped at the image of Mick and Abby talking at the bar. They both exchanged looks and smiles between the other that only they could decode; secrets that they kept from everyone but themselves. An experience that wasn't unlike how Alias and she used to be.

Jenna would let Abby know tonight, give her a day or two to line up a replacement, and then she'd hop a train to Palamont. The vixen looked around the club. Her eyes stopped at Otto who was chatting with one of the bouncers, talking about God knows what. He seemed together, successful at his trade, which based on what she had heard, was wetwork like Alias. Yet, he didn't seem like the type to go through random stints of anger and belligerent behavior, or drink himself to the point where she'd find him passed out in the kitchen. All the same, Jenna wasn't stupid. She knew the doxie would pounce at the chance for an invite into her bed and that half of what he had been saying to her were pickup lines, and at least part of the other half bullshit she wanted to hear. Her eyes wandered to the other side of the club, where she saw a disgruntled, yet familiar, black figure hunched over a table. She watched as his paws clenched the rocks glass with a death grip, almost scared that someone would steal it away. His green eyes were fixed on his glass, and overcoat pulled in tight around him. He looked so pathetic, so alienated, so... alone.

Taking a deep breath, Jenna exhaled slowly.

Don't worry, Alias. She thought to herself as she picked up her tray. By the day after tomorrow you'll have a great weight lifted off your shoulders.