FSE

Furry search engine

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Avi p.o.v

All of a sudden Ian pounces on top of me, making out with me fiercely. I can sense the uneasiness in him, the nervousness, but I can also see the incredible amount of built up lust being released into this act of sexual intimacy. I'm rubbing my hands all over his body, feeling all his natural curves of his glorious figure. Damn hormones! I can't help but to be tugged into this all out lust fest, our testosterone preparing us for sexual intercourse. I know this feels good, amazing even, but this has to stop right now! But I am still helpless because it feels so good, like I'm being loved, something I haven't felt in a while. I do as my body commands, practically sucking his face in at this point when he suddenly pulls away, and his beautiful green eyes staring intensely into mine. I can see the desire in his eyes for me, making me contemplate whether he wants me for me or me for my body, but I can save that for later, for I have to try and figure a way out of this debacle. He leans close to me and smiles, with that cute innocent smile of his, and slowly reaches his right hand down into my pants, and he starts stroking my already rock hard erection.

That caught me off guard, thankfully, and got me back into the right mental state where blushing, I pulled his hand out of my pants. "This needs to stop, right now!" I yell at him in a concerned tone. He abruptly stops, and his face is as red as a tomato. "I'm so sorry, I knew I shouldn't have come here," he replies in a dispirited tone, and turns to run out the room, but I turn him to face me. "We need to talk, Ian," I tell him. I can the tears forming in his eyes as guilt and shame cross his face. I sit on the bed and gesture him to do the same, where he sits right next to me.

"So what's going on?" I ask him. He glares at the floor, probably too guilt ridden to look me in the eye. "I don't know Avi," he says. "I have no idea what's going on with me. You're the best guy I have ever had, the most understanding, and I feel so comfortable around you, too comfortable obviously." I utter out a small laugh and grab him, wrapping my arm around him and bringing him to my chest. "I know it's hard for you, wanting to make love to someone you really, really love, if it even is love. I know you feel safe and that you want to act upon your feelings, but you have to remember that you have a girlfriend who truly loves you, and you have to take care of her before you lose something precious in this world," I advise him. "I love her with all my heart, I truly do, but I...I...," he struggled trying to get the word out when he finally said it. "I like you, Avi, more than a friend. I want to have you but also keep Merissa but that's impossible. I should just forget the whole thing." He choked out those last few words before he began crying into my chest. I just stroked his head, telling him would all work out in the end, and tried to keep him from crying anymore. He finally stopped then looked up at me, and I could see all the sadness in his eyes, it was so much it made me want to cry for him. "I think it would be better if we spent some time apart, so that things can cool down between us," Ian finally said, sighing. I didn't want to spend time away from Ian, his presence is the best to have around, and I didn't want to lose him. "Maybe we can find another solution," I suggest but he's already getting up to leave, and this I don't stop him. I sit there in my room, watching him walk out of my room, and possibly, walking out of my life.

The week went by slowly, it seemed like I felt every second drag by as communication between Ian and I ceased entirely. I tried texting but nothing. I saw him with Merissa and they were laughing together, but I could tell from the look in his eyes he was faking it, for there was anguish that lay behind his eyes. A week after the whole incident I presented him with a necklace, which had an inverted pink triangle surrounded by a circle, the international gay pride symbol, although I doubt Ian knows that, as a present for his birthday the day before on the fifteenth. He took the present and thanked me for it, then walked to second period. Finals came and it was alright, although waiting for people to finish was infuriating. Friday I went to my math teacher's room and inquired about the grade I made on the final. I made a 94% bringing my Algebra II grade up to an 80%. It seems that studying with Ian helped a lot, although I miss his presence so much. I went home Friday and did nothing but play multiplayer on my Call of Duty games, ignoring my texts from Braxton. First day of winter break and I did was waste it. Not the best way to start the break.

I went walking Saturday and went to the mall on Sunday with my mom. I kept on texting Ian while at the same time ignoring texts from Braxton, but Ian still did not reply. Monday I just stayed home watching television all day and Tuesday I went out with my mom to by some milk and cookies for "Santa Claus" along with some holiday alcohol. My parents aren't alcoholics, they're just social drinkers, and they planned to have friends come over that night. We got home and they were conversing with my dad, them already having made the eggnog and fruit cake. It was around 10:30 and I was watching an episode of Law and Order: Special Victims Unit when my dad came in a little buzzed, and asked me if I wanted any eggnog. By the look on my dad's face I could tell they poured liquor into it, but I ignored the fact hoping I would forget about Ian for a short while, and I poured me a glass. I could taste the bitter sweet drink going down my throat, burning as it went down. Within fifteen minutes I felt a little light-headed but I felt good, relaxed, and free from all my troubles. I joined my parents outside and had a good time with them, laughing at anything and everything when the couple had to go. I came back and saw that it was 12:30, but it felt as is if only two minutes passed. I stumbled upstairs and plunged into bed, and was out.

I woke up next morning and opened my presents, getting new video games, clothes, albums, a new laptop, and a tablet, but there was only one present I wanted but I didn't get, Ian. I cleaned the boxes and the wrapping up then I put my presents in my room. I got on my Xbox and began browsing youtube videos. Midway in a video I couldn't take it anymore. _ I need to go outside to clear my mind._ I got up and went outside wearing nothing but my boxers and walked over to Ian's house. This December was unusually warm, meaning that I wasn't going to freeze on my way there. I finally came up his front door and was about to knock, but I decided to back off and return home, defeated.

The week passed by ever so languidly, and I wanted this damn break to be over. I went to the park Monday and started jogging in preparation for baseball when I saw him. I pretended not to see him, but he caught sight of me with his continuously friendly greeting. God fucking damn it! "Hi," I respond icily. "How are you?" Braxton asks, grinning. I look at him and look deep into his eyes, staring at the boy I once loved and replied coldly, "Worse now that you're here." He looked at me, all innocent; his blue eyes casting a spell on me making me regret what I said for only a moment. "Why are you hostile towards me?" he inquired. "What part of I do not want to see you again do you not understand!" I snapped. "I still love you Braxton, and I advised that we should just not see each other until I'm over my heartbreak, yet you keep crawling back into my life and I'm so tired of it. That's why I'm so hostile towards you because all you do is ignore my feelings!" He looked hurt but he answered in a calm voice, "Avi it has been six months. We had a good thing going but it had to come to an end. You know the reason why, and it's not my fault that I'm not attracted to guys anymore. We already went over this, and I care about your well being." I am conflicted with two main feelings, love and hate, and I feel like I'm about to explode should I see him any longer. "Goodbye Braxton, it was nice knowing you." And with that, I march home, and he no doubt has a pained expression his face as he turned and left.

I look over the lyrics of Ian's favorite song, "I Won't See You Tonight" by Avenged Sevenfold, and memorized them, especially the second half as that was the one I felt about Ian. I go to bed singing the lyrics:

Come back to me this, this is unconceivable

_Breaking apart the ones you love _

Hate runs deep for what you've done to us

Left alone through suicide....suicide

_ _

_I just want to die, take away my life _

Lay by your side, please...

Come back to me this, this is unconceivable

_Breaking apart the ones you love _

Hate runs deep for what you've done to us

_Left alone through suicide _

I wake up and keep singing it over and over in my head. Afternoon finally comes, and I throw on some clothes and walk out the door. I trek to Ian's house, taking a detour through the woods to collect thoughts before we faced one another. It's about 1:36 when I finally see his house, and I walk up to his front door and knock. No answer. I knock again, but still no answer. I knock one more time, peering through his window to reveal a television that was on when at last the door opened. I turn to face him when I saw morose wolf. I looked in horror as his always styled hair was in a mess, there were bags under his eyes, and worst of all, there was blood on his wrist and shoulders. I looked at me and I could see the pain and sorrow behind his eyes along with a lack of will to live. Tears began streaming my face as I cry out his name, "Ian!"