FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

The chilly autumn breeze tickles my my body as I stare off into the setting sun. My lawn chair, the beauty of the outdoors and the cigarette between my teeth are the only things I truly care about in this seemingly cruel world. I reach into my hoodie pocket and grab my lighter, with a satisfying flick it ignites. The flame dances before my eyes, longing to satisfy my addiction, my vice, my only release. I take a drag, letting the cool menthol tickle my throat. I exhale, releasing a cloud of smoke which momentarily blocks my view of the beautiful autumn setting sun.

Once I get to about a centimeter from the filter, I gently release it. Letting it gracefully fall to the ground. I stomp on the cigarette butt with my hoof, letting the flame die. I hate myself, I hate my life choices. Yet it's the only thing that keeps my alive. Ironic I know, life's funny that way.

After sitting in my throne, as I call it, for seemingly hours, yet in reality only five or so minutes, I arise and slowly jog back inside my cookie-cutter, two story home at the end of the cul-de-sac. I stare at the red front door, once opened I will have to confront my family with their usual unending questions about how my day was. Truthfully it was the same as any other day in suburbia, long, boring and pointless. I better come up with something to talk about quickly. I open the door.

I walk down the long hallway from the foyer to the kitchen. I find my mother cooking dinner. She turns around to face me. I envy her bright smile, why can't I share the same happiness?

"Hey Duke!" She says in a cheery voice.

"Hi Mom." I mutter

"How was school?" She asked while taking a seat at the obnoxiously large dinning room table.

"It was okay." I replied, also taking a seat.

"Did you sign up for drivers education?"

"Not yet"

"Okay... well you better soon, It would be nice to get your license when you turn seventeen."

"I know Mom." I replied with a little annoyance in my voice.

"I have to go study." I said as I got up from the chair

"Alright" My mother replied.

I walk upstairs and down the hallway towards the last door, my room. I walk inside. It's an average sixteen year old deer's bedroom, complete with some posters of my favorite bands, a desk which holds my computer and textbooks along with my queen sized bed. I slide my backpack of my shoulders and drop it to the floor next to my bed. I sit on the edge of my bed. I cover my eyes my hands over my eyes and weep. What is my life? Between the gasps and tears which trickle down my face, I wonder why I feel so alone. I have excellent friends and a supportive family, even when I told them I was gay they never left my side. Yet I long for something more.

After hours of studying, video games and internet porn, I decided I best take a shower. I have my own bathroom attached to my bedroom so sharing is not an issue. As soon as I shut the door, the demons in my mind were released. My anxiety went through the roof, I was in the beginnings of a panic attack. When I'm in this state, there is only one cure. I slowly walk over to the medicine cabinet, I slowly unlink my tightly knit arms, open the cabinet and reach for my little, hidden razor blade.

I lay my left arm on the sink, I lower the razor blade to my arm. I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and penetrate. I feel the warm, crimson blood seep from my self inflicted wound. With one quick motion, I move the blade from left to right. I open my eyes, released a sigh of relief. It was a nice clean cut. Blood was slowly trickling down my arm, soaking my brown fur in a shade or red. I ran my arm under some warm water from the sink and dried it off with a paper towel. Good as new, My demons caged once again.

I strip down, I take a quick look in the mirror to examine my features. My fur is a mixture of a cream and white color, my eyes are a nice shade of hazel. I have a couple extra pounds but I don't really mind, it makes me have some curves which I've grown to like. I turn on the shower so it's nice and warm. I step inside, my cut stings as the water cascades on them. I love it, I desire the pain. It reminds me that I have control over something.

I lay in my bed completely motionless as I stare up at the ceiling. I feel so alone in this world. I grab my chest, my heart hurts like as if millions of needles have pierced it. Tears rush down my face, why can't one good thing happen to me for once? My life is shit! I roll over onto my stomach and slam my face into the pillow. I scream as loud as I possibly can, hoping no one hears me but also hoping that somebody will listen. Hoping that one day, someone will understand my pain. That someday someone will love me for who I am.

School is the shit stain of my life, almost everyone hates me and I hate those fuckers back ten fold. I walk through the two large doors which are the entrance to hell on earth. I quickly walk to my locker to grab my necessities, a binder for trigonometry along with a calculator and a few pencils.

I close the locker door to find my best friend Patrick leaning against the locker next to mine. He is a beautiful hare, He is quite a bit taller then me and has an athletic, lean build. His fur is snow white with charming blue eyes. You could say I have a bit of a crush on him yet I can't have him. He's straight, with a beautiful girlfriend, a seemingly perfect life, and he's mentally sane.

"Hey Pat."

"What's good?"

"Eh, Not much." I say with a smile

"Wanna hang out later? Mary and I are going to to see a movie."

Mary is his girlfriend, lucky bitch. Don't get me wrong I love her with all my heart, but I have this sense of jealousy I can't shake. Plus I don't want to be a third wheel.

"I have GSA today, sorry."

"Okay. I'll catch you later..."

He grabs me and gives me a noogie.

"...My favorite faggot!" He says jokingly.

"Fuck you hetero!" I reply jokingly as I pushing him away.

He turns and walks off to his first period class. We have been best friends since kindergarten. God, that was so long ago, back when life was so easy and carefree. He has always stuck up for me when assholes pick on me, not to mention all the morale support he has given me over the years.

"Shit, I better head of to trig," I mumble to myself as I look at my hand me down wristwatch from my father.

The GSA is one of my favorite times of the week, I get to hang out with people who actually get me. I take a seat in the circle of desks in the middle of Mrs. Jamesons classroom. The room is filled with people, trans, gay, bi, and everything in between. I scan the room to find some new members I haven't seen before. Like a mustang, a bull, a cat and a... a smoking hot ferret. He is a little bit shorter than me, he is slender with blonde fur and hazel eyes that look towards his interlocked paws resting on the desk. He seems anxious and kind of shy. My eyes keep drifting back his way. I can't stop looking at him, it's something about him. I can tell he's special in some way.

"Okay everyone!" Mrs. Jamesons says. "We have some new members, would you guys like to introduce yourselves?"

One by one they give their introductions. What I notice is that they are all from West High, a school from the next town over that closed due to lack of funding by the state. So the all transferred to East High. I was to focused on him and toned out all the others introductions. Whenever he looked up I quickly looked away, I didn't want to give the impression of a creeper. Now it's his turn to go, I quickly snap back to reality and listen.

"Hi everyone... um... my names Zak."

"Hi Zak." we all say

"I'm 16, and went to West High..."

"So what made you come to the GSA?" Mrs. Jameson asked

"Well..." He took a deep breath. "I'm... gay.." He said nervously

"I've never said that out loud before." He chuckles

Everyone claps and gives their support.

"Thank you for sharing, thats very brave of you!" Mrs. Jameson says.

"Thanks." He says looking back down at his still interlocked paws.

Once the meeting was over I decided it was time to make my move. "How do I do this? I begin to panic, Oh shit! What do I say? I guess I should just walk over and introduce myself... ask him to hang out sometime? Yeah, I'll do that" I think to myself.

I slowly rise out of my chair, everyone else is conversing with each other besides me and him. He still is sitting there, In the same position he has this entire meeting. I walk over to his desk. "I can do this" I think to myself. "Just a few more steps". I make it there without second guessing or chickening out. I clear my throat.

"Hey Zak! My name's Duke." I say in a cheery voice.

"Nice to meet you! Whats up?" He asks.

"Not much, just wanted to talk to you." I reply as I sit in the chair next to him.

"So how was your first day?" I ask

"Fine..."

"I was wondering... do you have any plans today?" I ask

"Nope" He says

"Well... Do you want to catch a movie with my friends and I tonight?"

"I don't know... I barely know you" he replies nervously

"Oh come on. It's not like I'm a serial killer haha." I reply

He thinks for a moment but It seems like the world is in slow motion, then a flood of thoughts hit me. "What if he says no? Did I make the wrong impression? DID I DO SOMETHING WRONG!"

"Sure, I'll go." He says cheerily.

"Awesome!" I reply. "Wanna hang out first?"

"Okay!" he replies.

Butterflies fill my stomach as we both walk out of the classroom, I feel so... happy, so grateful. I feel that something truly good has happened to me, for once.