Hoping for Something, A prologue
#1 of Fate's Minion
When I first looked over this page, I thought to myself... damn I really am pathetic aren't I? But then
the fact remains... it's the real story of me, and though it seems to prove that not all tales end well, I
wanted the beginning to be what I've come from...
-Fen
All stories of course have to begin somewhere. Mine begins not where I stay and type this, and due to
my obsessive hate of grammar rules without a half-inch indention at the beginning of the paragraph...
Nope, my story starts in Alabama.
I'm not really an Alabamian, but Fate would send me there and so that's how it works. I moved away
from there at the end of my 10th grade year what is it now 3, 4 years back? The only way that I can
really think of it to be similar to something other people could relate to would be the phrase "Crushing
Blow" which players of the MMORPG WoW probably understand... As anti-social as I ended up being,
in large part because I covered myself with the idea that my old friends would still be waiting for me if I
ever wanted them, or the thought deep inside that I'd never really belong here in Florida. Anyway, my
11th grade year saw me in Jacksonville, Florida (a few miles north of St. Augustine, and host of a Super
Bowl game, and in years past Megaplex).
And as I thought of it... damn I really didn't fit in did I? First day of class I had my ass grabbed by the
jocks, crushed by the wrestling team down the halls and tripped down a flight of stairs... Well that
being the worst of it all, I would eventually make friends with other nerdy people similar to myself (not
necessarily gay/bi or whatever, but there was Kyros, that one kid who looked better than his gf in a
dress...). And of these people who weren't technically outcasts, but rather different, the term otaku
comes to mind, but I don't think it fits; there was one fur I ended up falling for... Zanji, a certain coyote
who would randomly RP with me online and what not... And now that I think of it besides the dirty
blonde hair and charming smile, there really isn't much about him that I actually like anymore...
Zanji just happened to live in my neighborhood and it would happen that we rode the same bus to and
from school that junior year in school, and yet what of it? Simply by association we ended up as friends,
nothing more really at the time. And then I realized what I really felt and another friend of mine finally
got me to admit the fact that I liked guys. Well it's not like I was hiding it, simply put: no one asked, so I
didn't have a reason to tell.
Aryos the invasively naughty wolf that he was (another one of those dorky people who was part of
the group that I ended up becoming one with), wormed the truth out of me in the end and though I
wish it had been someone else, it at least built on my courage to talk to other people and would
subsequently lead to me talking to Zanji that summer and admitting that I liked him...
And of course, Fate would have it... he was straight... But as most of us who've had the courage,
tenacity, other big cool sounding synonyms would end up saying, there really aren't that many guys
out there that are snatchable, though a bunch of them are easy prey.
Our friendship didn't end though, nope, rather I think this would be the peak of it. Through the
resulting senior year of my high school life, I would think of myself as someone more of a friend than
just a friend, though I'm not sure if I resolved myself to believe that there was no future. And like was
expected of the smart people, I ended up doing his homework, editing his papers and other terms
that might as well have labeled me his bitch. Though of course I didn't mind any of this. In my fallacy of
being, I was simply happy to be near someone I had a crush on... Ok more than a crush...
Of course being the same horny mess that I labeled Aryos, I ended up wanting more... Not just saying
a simple "Hi" in the morning... maybe a hug? And I wouldn't even dare think of a kiss... No... But I'd like
one, at least from him.
Spring came, and with it TA-ness (Teacher Assistant), luck would have it that I joined his Anatomy and
Physiology course and yep more than enough opportunities to if nothing else feel like I was doing
something with him... Ok well luck really didn't have much hand in this particular situation as I ended
up using a few left over cards in my hand to make the guidance counselors feel bad and give me free
reign over my classes. In class we acted cordially, not necessarily like best friends, but still it was
obvious later on as people would end up telling me, that I liked him... Damn I'm blind to my own
actions aren't I?
The months would roll by with fun occasion, triops getting killed by aerosol sprays, dissections of
disturbing dead things and a random fire in the dumpsters to name a few. And then graduation was
upon us. I obviously didn't roll a character with enough points in luck or intelligence for that matter as
my GPA was significantly (.5 I believe it was) lower than his... (We ended up getting seated based on
our GPAs) Well as horrid as it would seem that was really the last night I knew him...
I still remember that whole day. I wore a buttoned up orange shirt and had a retarded blue cap that
didn't fit properly. I can still see the flash of lights as way more people than I had expected raised their
voices in congratulating me for overcoming 12 years of hell. And of course among them was Zanji. I
looked straight at him wondering what was next. He drove me home that evening.
I turned 18 not long after, and not even in the States... Nope rather I was overseas in China or was it
Japan, visiting family and friends of the family. And though I wasn't able to tell him Happy Birthday in
person... as it would turn out, a certain social networking site that offered me some space would be
the same intermediary by which we became "good" friends and at the same time... the same one that
would likewise end it...
At first I thought my Birthday message to him simply was left unanswered for whatever reason... And
then when I asked him if he got it, he ended up flipping out on me telling me to something along the
lines of "Shut the fuck up you damn fag, I don't want anything to do with you". Later he would
apologize and claim to have been drunk... but as I would later hope to find in all people that I meet... I
wanted to see their true nature showed up. And through all of the verbal mess of affairs, I still at least
wanted to be his friend... The end of July saw me back in the states with my first 70 in WoW and my
mind crushed by the upcoming move to college.
Our last face to face conversation really didn't go that well either. The day browsing the mall (one of
the "hangs" that our group had invented) ended up in him ditching me for some of his other friends
that had conveniently popped up. Even then I was stupid enough to hope that it had just been an
inconvenient event that he was tied to.
And as it would be, I actually did get a few more emails from him. Well more along the lines of two or
three private messages. The last message I would get from him simply stated that he had tolerated as
much as he could deal with and he never wanted to see me again... Tolerated... so that was how I was.
And yet I still couldn't get over him... I am now in college still looking back on the days gone by and
wondering... exactly what happened.
Life can be cruel sometimes... It can also be very drastic. And if nothing else it leaves for a good story.
Whether it was simply a life lesson or an aggregate factor in some equation (no clue what that's
supposed to mean but it came to mind), this is my story and if nothing else moves me from then to
now.
I'm stronger in mind and meaning. No longer bound by ideas or hopeful wishes from the past, I finally
broke free of him recently... And though at times I'll get sensitive and a tear will flow down my cheek
as I reminisce of that bastard and the time and effort he took from my past, I realize that if nothing
else, the experience has made me more. I'm still the same wolf with the notch in his left ear, naïve
and dorky. At least it can't get any worse.