The Void
#1 of Excerpts from a diary of a mad dog
The other side
To start this off properly, let us first state for all to understand that I am a sensualist. This is not to say I renounce spirituality, nor that I reject any belief in things that my senses cannot comprehend, but that I put my faith first in what I may understand, interact with and comprehend before turning to the beyond to solve the answers to all my difficult queries.
To say it more colorfully, to call on some higher being for help, in my view anyway, is like expecting the two dimensional beings from a comic strip such as Dilbert to call upon me for aid should they have a life and sentience of their own. Our dimensions are and existence are so separated that while I may comprehend their existence, I am wholly outside of their own and any attempt by me to interacts with them with be clumsy and quite possibly catastrophically invasive. Now turning that same concept to a being as beyond myself as I am beyond a two dimensional being...well nothing more need be said save perhaps those stories of cthonic horrors are the results of benign actions gone awry?
Now some of this line of thought was awakened by a conversation with my twelve year old son, for in his short span of breathing he has been fed seventh day Adventist and catholic dogma as the 'truth' to swear by. All of this against my will mind you,for I was laboring to shield him from any such talk until he was closer to sixteen and mentally sophisticated enough to try and sift through it all and make his own choices on what to believe.
I myself was raised in a Hodge Podge of religious influences that included but were not limited to nondenominational protestant, Jehovah's witnesses, baptist, gospel and catholic services. And all through it all I found something wanting...a disparity with my heart and the world that none of these teachings could fill. Then upon entering high school I took to looking further and began reading 'mythology' as Christians so lovingly label any of the more minor religions that are not their own, though they outright denounce the other major faiths as well just as easily despite the distinction...
In the end I found a somewhat draw to Chinese mysticism and Hindu enlightenment, which in the end have the same roots, so go figure. Between these I developed some meditative practices that I joined with those from taking martial arts and I found myself looking outside myself as I heard so many Christians claim to do. But much to my soul crushing horror and disappointment, rather than finding the presence of the almighty or some other ecstatic revelation of spirituality, I found myself staring into the void at the end of a ragged tether as if there had been something there once, but now I was left there on the edge of a chasm so wide as to be no visible shore or face and no safe aid to traverse it all.
I cannot find the words to properly convey the lament, the woe and the bewildering sense of loss I felt in that moment as I came to physically and arguably spiritually feel my complete and utter isolation from all else in life and what I'd been taught was supposedly outside of life waiting for me to contact it.
This was not the first blow my heart had taken in this life, nor was it the most shocking, but it certainly was a heavy one, for it's weight was not easily alleviated.
From there I turned to continued studies of enlightenment from various sources, but aside from things taught to draw on the energies of others for the sake of strength and dominance, I found no further reason to believe there was anything in this world beyond minor spirits and lingering existence that would be there to meet me and thus did I abandon prayer after uttering one final impassioned plea for the happiness of my mother at the offered sacrifice of my path and stability for whatever out there might be able to aid her in return for redirecting my hands and steps.
Granted at the time my lingering spirituality allowed this step to be taken and for many years after that I gave all of myself to any I came across that I felt I had been guided to in order to offer them aid, strength and comfort in their time of need. All done with the belief that it was meant to be and that it would result in the eventual joy of my progenitor, even if it meant that one day she would look upon me with scorn and turn her gaze from me forever in disgust. Such is the love I feel for her, though unlike some, I hold no gratitude for my birth, I do hold it for her sacrifice in raising me rather than passing me off to someone else, wether that had been an act of her own salvation, loneliness or simple whim, only she can truly ever know.
Eventually this path led to a jading of my heart for reasons of the true pain of a life of nomadic sacrifice coming to light and a building apathy gripped the few portions of my heart not hardened to the world at large, despite me still making forays into aiding those I believed honestly needed what minuscule wisdom as I could offer.
With all of that said I came to this dialogue with my own child and asked why I had a view of the world such as 'burning it all and growing anew may be better." I found the time, audacity and strength to say " No, I do not believe there is a god in this world looking out for me, if such a being existed, it would be one that suffered such a state of clumsy nigh malicious incompetence as to make me maliciously disposed toward it. But that being said, that is not to say I do not want such a being! Just because I do not believe in such a thing and as a man have taken a stance of utter defiance to those established as god, devils and kings of men...this does not mean I would not want something in this world that I could call my lord, some one thing mighty, wise and soiled with experience enough that I could rely on it, that I could willingly serve it knowing that it looked out for the greater benefit without needless sacrifice of the few and that it trusted me with tasks to carry out to ensure that this glorious mission endured....But there is no lord for me in this world and as such I am comfortable in letting it burn if it chooses such a fate for itself."
Having said this to myself, and to my child, I now offer it to you, the reader for the sake of contemplation.
When in those quiet moments when you have no choice but to listen to the world, when the void opens before you...What do you see? What do you feel? What do you hear? Or did you just settle for what you were told?