Equivalence: Chapter 1
Equivalence.
My life had never been exactly what I wanted from it, but since I was the one in control I guess the only thing I could blame was myself. I honestly tried to take control but after third time I was raped, or almost anyway, I found myself here. Here was a large concrete building with no distinct color, no defining scent, and no 'welcome home' mat at the front of the door. Hell it not like I ever had the third anyway, so I don't know why not seeing one here should faze me. Somehow it did though, and that's kind of scary.
Two Police officers had escorted me out of the courthouse and into the locked back seat of their car, and then to this awful place. I suppose it was my fault in a way, I could have just done something less damaging to him physically. I did not really want to know, nor cared, to find out how bad the actual injury was. I picked up the first blunt object I could reach and smashed his ribs in to the point I could feel them cracking through the pipe in my hand.
The officers escorted me through the bleak building's double steel doors and told me to sit on the industrial, plastic chairs which were the lobby's only furniture aside from a few small matching tables. The dull metallic clank of the door's electric lock clacked shut after we'd walked through, as if sealing the prospect that this was now my life, and we all knew I was here to stay. The officers walked up to the clerk behind the desk and picked through files in their briefcases until all the ones regarding me were splayed on the desk. They didn't spare me so much as a glance when they walked passed. The male Shepard mix dog did all the talking, which he probably did a lot of judging by his weight. The female cat said nothing, choosing instead to flick her ears this way and that, but never aiming them in my direction. Apparently, I wasn't worth her time. It was becoming a permanent theme in my life, and at this point I did not even get the 'empty feeling in your stomach' or 'ping of guilt'
I thought to myself how much different this place was going to be compared to the orphanage. It was certainly less appealing. That was good in a way since I not longer had to look at tacky pictures the younger furs drew that got posted up in the hallways by the caregivers. I started paying attention again when I heard the words "School" and "Not Expelled". Well that was a relief until I heard "two week suspension". I should have guessed some sort of mandatory vacation after what I did, but going back there even after the events of today seemed better than two solid weeks here by myself... or with who knows, possibly with someone more vulgar and repulsive.
Eventually the Police turned and waited as the clerk unlocked the doors and they stepped out. I watched as they padded back to their cars and left. The clerk had yet to regard my actual existence, but she had not the time before a well fit Male Tiger and another Shepard, though Female this time, walked in from the door beside her, which I guess also locked on both sides.
"Hello Mr..." They tripped over my last name, looking at themselves before butchering it anyway. "Psy-Zal"? I just gave them a disappointed look like I had given dozens of other people, but before I could open my muzzle. the Tiger continued. "We are your handlers" Great, go from caregiver to handler... What is this, I asked myself, a damned Zoo? Should I start barking rapidly and running around doing tricks? "We would like to extend a welcome to you. While this is a Correctional Institute, we try to offer the best quality of life that we can under the law and protocol provided by the government for us to follow and enforce. We try to act more like a family here, and the program has shown incredible results across the board when compared to the old standards. Again, While this is a Correctional Institute we do have plenty of time for fun, out-door activities, as well as an array of staff who will do whatever they can in order to make you feel welcomed and you can feel free to even talk to them about any personal issues and feelings you may have." they paused for a second while looking at my file they lioness clerk had handed them. I had not doubt that it held every single detail of my life including how I ended up in the Orphanage. Like that would matter anyway.
As they leafed through my file I could see emotions playing across their faces. They continued "While this is not by far the worst case to come through here, we will be providing you with a therapist which you will be required to talk to at least twice a week. You will also be granted a little more additional freedom than most, such as the ability to go out alone... With a guard or a tracking device of course since your files does not indicate any mention of unprovoked attacks or robbery. However those freedoms will not be given until we see how you do once back at school two weeks from now. Now that the pleasantries are out of the way, please follow us to your room."
It was a relatively short walk down a hall, to the right, second door on the left. They handed me a copy of the key to open the door, which was a dead-bolt with a regular doorknob above it. They opened the door themselves however but let me inside first. I laughed at the fact that what little I owned already made its way here. One suitcase with enough clothes for four days, a necklace which I only kept to serve as a poor memory I wish I did not possess, and a few toys since my childhood placed on various furniture in the room.. Well... what childhood I have had anyway.
The Shepard finally spoke "In the corner behind that door there is a bathroom with a toilet and shower, as well as basic hygiene material." She said coldly, but not in a tone which indicated cruelness. "If you need anything I am Mrs. Weatherholt and my partner is Mr. Taylor. We will give you some time to settle in for the moment. If you need anything there is an intercom right here that will contact the front desk." They turned and left leaving me alone in the small, White-Grey room. There was a twin size bed against the back left, the door to the shower in the back right. The desk was against the same wall as the bathroom door. Storage stands were again the the front wall and to the left of the door to enter the room. All taken in it certainly screamed "Basic Needs Only!" but somehow seemed to be more than I'd ever had before since I had to share a large room in the Orphanage.
I moved past all my stuff that was on the floor at the foot of my bed and looked at it, than looked at the other things I owned on the desk and storage shelves. I did not honestly need any of trinkets, but the necklace I did care for, in the slightest possible capacity anyway. The clothes of course were a necessity, though I probably would not wear them unless I was leaving my room since now, or so it appeared, I had some privacy. Shrugging my shoulders I undressed myself and plopped onto my bed, covering myself to the hips with the blanket and allowed myself to sleep. The only indicator of time being how bright it was outside, which was now dusk.
I was surprised that when I did wake up, it was on my own accord. No one came in to bother me, or yell at me to wake up. While I felt surprisingly refreshed and thankful, it did leave me feeling a bit alone. I pushed myself to sit up and take in the surrounding blackness. My stomach suddenly growled and for a split second I wondered if there was going to be food to eat at some point. For that matter where would I go to get it?
My eyes focused on the solitary red light that showed the location of the intercom, but my body did not move towards it nor did my brain tell it to. Instead, I stumbled through the darkness and into the bathroom to relieved myself. I really didn't feel any different being here instead of the orphanage, but maybe it's because of that weird thing your mind does for a little bit to protect you from reality and causing panic. Sure this would be on my record for a long while, and might affect me getting a job if I so inclined... If I could.
Lost in my thoughts, I did not even realize that I had long since stopped peeing,and by this point was just standing there holding myself. I shoved my junk back in my pants, pushed the flush button with my paw and padded over to the mirror above the sink to look at myself.My coarse grey and black blended fur was matted and amiss, pointing in all different directions. My wolven eyes glowed that unique gold-yellow in the somewhat dim light, and my 5 foot 10 stature reminded me yet again that I was short for someone of my sub-species.
I just shook my head and made my way back to my bed. I wasn't hungry anymore, and I did not feel like interacting with other furs at the moment. As I laid on my back and looked the the ceiling above me, I wondered why. I wondered in a general sense about a variety of subjects to keep my mind from focusing on the one thing it actually wanted to... What it truly wanted to focus on for more than 8 years.
I spent three days in my room, not wanting to move and barely wanting to eat or drink. Eventually the staff had gotten worried enough that Mrs. Weatherholt and Mr. Taylor came in to try to stir me. Nothing they did came close to working me out of the room., but they did bring food and drinks, which I ate more for my sake than theirs. I might be a mental mess who was firing on three cylinders, but I'd be damned if I was going to let myself starve. I had thought to myself when they brought in a nice steak and mashed potatoes covered in gravy.
After I woke up on my second day of being there, reality finally clicked into place, and I realized at this point that so far nothing good has come to my life in eight years. I started questioning my existence, then wondered about the universes. Eventually I gave up on both and just stared and the ceiling above me, drifting in and out of sleep every now and than. Sometimes I rolled over to look at the things I owned, or rolled the other way just to look at the wall.
Eventually Mrs. Weatherholt came in and sat for a while in the desk chair and just read a book. She sat for what I could guess was an hour, closed her book and finally regarded me. She asked a variety of questions, starting with "How is your day so far?" to which I just shot her a glare, than I looked back to the ceiling. I felt her shift a little, perhaps at the fact that the question was a bit of a bad one to ask. Either way though, I didn't answer her. She went on to ask what she felt were less violating questions such as my favorite color, number, shirt to wear, etc. Some I answered, others I didn't. She didn't bother asking twice.
She stopped for a few minutes before starting again. "So what happened Kanti?" she asked in a gentle yet serious tone. I knew what she was referring to, but I decided to beat around the bush.
I knew what she was referring to, but I decided to beat around the bush. "What do you mean?" I asked somberly. I minded that fact that she had used my first name without permission, but I let that slide for now. She rephrased her question . "Why did you run away?"
She didn't bother adding any of the standard but insensitive comments, like, "You parents had money" or "You came from such a Good Neighborhood." I'm sure she already knew something, if not everything, about my background. My last name was still the same as my parents, and any social worker who deserved to keep their job could have used my social security number to find them. As much as I wanted to avoid them, I wasn't worried I knew the orphanage had contacted them , yet they never came.
"None ya" I answered back with a bite. It wasn't a yell but it was forceful with a growl in the undertone. I heard her open her muzzle again to ask another question but I snapped before she could ask. "Get the fuck out of my business and leave me alone" I yelled, this time fangs exposed and looking at her dead in the eyes. She complied, perhaps more out of knowing that it was useless as this point rather than her actually fearing me.
The door clicked shut and I laid there for a few more minutes. Eventually my body forced me into the bathroom and I took my first shower in three days. I also slumped against the corner just letting the imitation rain droplets run through my fur.