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I softly hugged him, burrowing my face in his chest and taking in his scent. "You're hugging me as if this is goodbye.." he whispered, holding me closer. "It feels like it is." I replied. CJ, the man I've come to know and love so well, placed a finger under my chin and lifted my face to his. "Goodbyes are forever, this is only for a little while. We'll be back together soon." A kiss to the forehead and another strong hug brought me to tears. I had been trying all night to not get upset, to stay happy for him, but I just can't. "I don't want to go." I cried softly to him. "It's such a long distance, 4 states. I don't want to lose you." His arms tightened and he kissed my head in a comforting manner. "You wont lose me. I promise, we'll stay together. Yes it is a bit of a distance and I don't want you to leave either, but for now we just need to make the best of things."

I lowered my ears. "Why'd she have to go and get remarried anyway? I don't even like him. And even with that, I still don't see why of all places she would choose Michigan to go to. I know we had to move either way, but why not down the street rather than this?" Fiercely I tried to wipe away the tears, now hating myself for crying as much as I am. CJ stopped me and gently wiped them away for me with his thumb, then kissed my eyelids. "It's okay to cry." he told me. I however didn't feel that way. I never really liked crying, especially in front of someone. Now that I think of it, I don't even really cry when I'm alone either. I feel weak when I cry. Right now, I'm pretty damn helpless.

"Hey." he said sternly, lifting my head again. "Don't make that look. Whatever you're thinking, just stop. I love you, okay? That's all that matters right now. For now, there is no mom, no step dad, no siblings, no moving, no Michigan. For now, its just me and you okay?" Softly, he nuzzled my neck. "No, it's not okay. It isn't fair, none of it is. This is towards the end of the school year, how am I supposed to pass if I have no idea what they're teaching? And us, whats going to happen for us? Who knows how long we'll be apart." Again, tears began to burn into my eyes, threatening to escape.

"Cj, we were supposed to go to prom together. I was supposed to spend literally hours doing my hair and makeup even though I don't like makeup. I was supposed to put on a stupid dress and wear stupid heels that cut into my toes. You were supposed to tell me I looked good, then say I didn't need to put on makeup cuz I'm pretty either way, then I'd say I had to cuz it was a dance. We were supposed to eat mini cookies or whatever they served, and drink cheap punch from small plastic cups. We were supposed to pretend to like the music even though we would prefer they play different songs! And later on I'd tell you that I don't want the night to end and we'd go home and snuggle in the basement, watching tv. Then you'd just smile like usual and hug me tight.." The tears now ran down my face, soaking my cheeks. I hid my face in his chest, clutching his shirt. "We were supposed to be weird and stupid together, and things were supposed to be perfect, and- CJ we were supposed to live happily ever after! It isn't fair!" I was now sobbing.

He held me tight enough that under any other circumstances I'd say was too tight and if not for already being in pain, I'm sure it might have hurt a little. This time however, it felt comforting. "Shhh, calm down, its okay." he softly cooed to me. I could hear it in his voice, he was near tears as well. With slight anger with myself, I again tried to push back the tears as I've done so many times before. If anything, I cried more out of frustration now. "I'm so sorry I can't fix this for us.. I'm so so sorry.." I cried to him. He shook his head. "It isn't your fault, no none of it is. You have nothing to be sorry for." he replied.

Once more, I tried to push back the emotion. It didn't work, so I instead tried to change it into something else. I didn't want to turn it to anger, I had nothing I could take it out on. So, I took the only route I had left. I pushed it back and turned the pain into exhaustion. Now instead of crying, I can simply sleep the emotion off for now. As I did this, I hadn't realized how much emotion I had pent up. The feeling hit like a wall and I felt light headed and a little dizzy. My stomach turned a little and my breathing felt off. I slumped on him, no longer crying but old tears still on my face. He paused at my sudden silence. This didn't feel right, this isn't the usual tired I feel when I do this.

"Are you okay?" he asked, looking to me. Not wanting to concern him, I nodded the best I could. "I'm- I'm tired.." I replied. Hearing the weak tone, he instantly lifted my head and looked to me. "Hey, snap out of it. C'mon, get up." I lowered my ears softly. "I'm just tired.. I wanna sleep.." My body felt almost numb, I could hardly keep my eyes open. He pulled me up quickly and I woke up a little more. Lifting me up from the floor where we were sitting, he sat me in the reclining chair. "You need water, don't go to sleep. I'll be right back." he told me, then left to get water. I leaned to the side a little and hugged my legs. I remember looking up a little bit about things like these. This is a panic attack.. My lip quivered slightly as if I was about to cry, but I instead of crying I felt even more tired. My eyes started to close..

"Nono, get up. You can't sleep right now." CJ's voice told me. He pulled me up and I opened my eyes, having been on the edge of sleep. He handed me water and carefully I sipped it. I slowed my breathing and focused on him, looking to his eyes. Bit by bit, I felt a little better. Now I was just sitting with a glass of water, talking softly to him. "I really am sorry about that.." I told him. "It's alright. Just don't try that again okay?" he asked, then kissed my forehead. I chose to smile and, for now, just be happy with him while I can.