Short Stories: Why Exist? Part 1
#1 of Short Stories: Suicidal Actions
This story is the first part of my short story collection with suicide as theme. THis story in particular was inspired by the song "Dream for the Weaker" by Nomy. I hope you like it :)
Grey was sitting on his bad bed and wanted to dream further as he felt that his fur had become muggy. He was a wolf without a pack. His life had always been miserable; Grey's parents were addicts and alcoholics who didn't really care for him and just let him take care of himself. In return he didn't care for them either. He wasn't 'normal' as the other kids would say and stamped him as a 'weirdo' from the very early ages of his childhood. His classmates mocked him and in the end he didn't make lasting friends because of them. Grey went through school by just being for himself and when he felt some friendship could be built somewhere some of the other goons would pick him up and destroy what he wanted to accomplish; a network he could turn to. But his parents indirectly taught him to survive alone and became what a wolf wasn't made for, a true loner. He had never ever thought of killing himself though, a thought that was quite distant for him for he could potentially be a pattern breaker; he was smart and had great resilience against what consequences of the violence and abuse he was caused could lead to. Depend on how you would see his end of his life it was quite fortunate or unfortunate, ambivalent it can be called.
In his new special school after he finished his primary school he coincidentally came to work briefly with this socially awkward wolf hybrid Chilly who didn't want to communicate with others. They were quite similar to each other but Chilly was not interested in any relationship with anyone at all; he wished for complete isolation. Unexplainable Grey came to fall in love with this other 'the rejecter' as the other students would call Chilly. He tried to start a conversation with Chilly in discreteness several times but Chilly just bluntly and harshly rejected him. At one point Grey was so in love with Chilly that he in secret had written passionate love letters to Chilly but to Grey's unfortunate founds they were shredded and ripped apart.
Now several months after falling in love with Chilly he had begun to make his own reality and it was through neither alcohols nor drugs but through his own both consciousness and sub consciousness by imagining being with him; by dreaming about them being together as a couple as Grey deeply and thoroughly wished for.
Grey stood up on his bed and rubbed his head where many scars and scratches could be clearly seen which were consequences of the beat-ups he had been forced to go through. With a deep and intense sigh he stood up on his robust legs and walked over to the mirror which was placed on the opposite side of his room. His reality in his dreams had finally begun to make appearances in his reality of the real world; he saw Chilly instead of his own mirror image. He was longing and yearning for him and Chilly to be together so much he had begun to role play with himself where the mirror image would be Chilly.
He placed one paw on the mirror and imagined that it was Chilly who had putted his own paw against his. But this wasn't real for him. With another intense sigh he walked back to the bed and forced himself to sleep. He didn't want to wake up to that reality where the truth where. He was wishing to stay in his dreamy reality where he was together with Chilly.
He started to dream:
_ Grey was walking through the school and his intension was to see Chilly in his spare time as usual. They had been couple for months and the school knew it but their acceptance of them being a couple didn't really matter for them. Grey knew that Chilly wasn't so talkative ever but he knew the signals that Chilly would give to him which he could follow to make it pleasant for them both. As he walked through the library he noticed the dark clothes and the grey fur around the corner. He found Chilly in the middle of reading a very thick book._
_ "Hey Chilly" smiled Grey and gave Chilly a smooch kiss on Grey's cheek._
_ Chilly replied with a grin and gave sign to Chilly to sit down beside him._
_ "What book is that?" questioned Grey curiously and made his head tilt slightly towards Chilly's head._
_ "Cathedral of the Sky" answered Chilly and closed the book so the title could be viewed._
_ "Ah - nice! Is it any good, Chilly?"_
_ Chilly replied with many fast but small nods and looked lovely into Grey's eyes. Grey couldn't stand against those lakes of the soul that he always saw in Chilly's wonderful eyes. He lifted his paw, placed it on Chilly's cheek and caressed it. Chily whimpered of happiness and so did Grey. As they were about to kiss..._
_ _ Grey woke up with a readied mouth where he felt great happiness followed directly by instant sadness and grief as the reality in his dreams would never reflect the cruel reality he was born in. He burst in tears and cried loudly, closed his eyes and placed his muggy paws upon them. He didn't really cry because of the world which was his enemy but because he was unable to be together with Chilly.
"I... sniff... love you, Chilly..." managed Grey to pull off while he cried uncontrollably. His parents had heard him and one of them bunked of the wall to see if he would stop.
"I don't want to meet the cruel you... you hurt me... badly..." he grabbed his chest as he felt a heavy and spiky ball pressing his chest which wanted to burst out of it but it couldn't and it would never be able to. Grey was cursed to live with this world, a world that was against him in any way, a world that spited and ill willed him and didn't want to do him any good except for the dreamy reality it could provide when he was unconscious, when he was asleep. He wanted to sleep more and dream more but he was too much awake to do so. He took on his worn out trousers and his holed t-shirt and with a short look on his silhouette of the mirror image he readied himself for another venomous day at the school where the rejecting Chilly would be.
Throughout the day Grey had in countless of times daydreamed about him and Chilly talk casually together. This time he fiddled with the idea of a beginning relationship with Chilly. The classmates had naturally came to call him 'the dreamer' and had now begun to call Chilly 'the cynical' as he had begun to snarl at persons who tried to communicate with him. Hardest when Grey just gave signs of kindness Chilly would growl deeply and go away. The students knew that Grey was gay and they want to mock him but wasn't really able to do it since it was so sad to see and view the malicious reality Grey was in and the sadness and sorrow he was experiencing by daydreaming in his own world..
After another day of failure Grey went back home wondering when all the pain he had suffered would ever in the end make him stronger in any sort of way. His spirit and will had already at that time begun to give up to live and had several weeks back started suicidal thoughts or the thoughts of just sleep until he died and keep dreaming of his own Chilly after he would meet his demise. But as it was stated he found the way of suicide for the weaker beings and he didn't want to stand out as a weak person, especially not for his own Chilly. He didn't want his ability to live in his own reality to come to an end.
He laid on his bed, yearning and mourning for Chilly's company. He closed his eyes caressed himself on his cheeks and neck and imagined Chilly doing it. The sensation of the imagining was strong and he felt the bittersweet emotion that always emerged to his troubled and confused face. He wanted to feel Chilly in his own reality, his own created world where the perfect Chilly who reside and thus he forced himself to sleep.
_ Grey just woke up in the dream right beside Chilly who were still fast asleep. As if he had been living like this in years he gave Chilly a gently and soft kiss on his bare back. He heard a mutter and then a deep inhalation. Grey smiled and viewed upon his own Chilly who slept tightly and had hugged his own quilt, probably dreamt about Grey's presence. Grey was happy and glad; enjoyed this reality much more than the outside world. He had, at this point, become aware when he was dreaming and thus would be able to control the dream the way he wants and desire. Grey wanted to have breakfast and therefore he stood up silently and took on his clothes; apparently they were business clothes. As he walked towards the room where he would usually get breakfast he saw his own apartment where his parents had lived and heard Chilly shortly snore. Opposite to the cruel world it was neat and clean with order that surpassed his greatest wish. Grey gave a little laughter as he heard Chilly snored. The kitchen was shiny and bright as the sun had penetrated through the white venetian blinds with its warm and bright sunlight. It was summer in his reality. He found forth the cereals, bowl and spoon and the milk and sat down to enjoy his never existing breakfast._
_ "Morning, G" he heard from behind and turned his neck to see in delight his boyfriend who were an illusion._
_ "Good morning, Chill" replied Grey with a half mouthful of combination of cereal and milk._
_ "Swallow the cereals, G"_
_ Grey did as commanded and in return was about to receive a kiss but as they were about to do it..._
_ _ Grey woke up and had tears of happiness and sadness in his bright eyes. He rubbed them and forced the tears to shed but as he did the tears couldn't stop to come.
"Why? Why can I never get the kiss in my reality?" thought Grey and sat on the bed to shed the tears silently. Never in his dreams had he managed to give or receive the kiss he wanted to give or get from Chilly. When he always was near to complete this task he woke up sadder and happier than ever. The sugar of bitterness was certainly always there to feel when he realized his real reality. Then the fateful idea came to his mind: The idea of killing himself by consumed too many sleeping pills. Then he could sleep into his own reality! The idea was incredible tempting and what was better than to sleep into the embrace of the Guardian who stood at the Gate of Death? Grey and his Chilly could go through it together and be there together to their eternal ways. His parents were drugs addicts after all so he could just find some of the sleeping pills they hid and consume a dozen of them, go to bed and sleep, making his dreamy reality into his true and happy reality. It would be perfect! But there was a single thing he needed to do first; he had to say goodbye to the cruel Chilly since he was the one who were the reason Grey fallen in love with and afterwards made his own Chilly in his own world. He took his usual clothes on and went to the school, determined to find him and say the last farewell.
The sun was rising higher and higher on the sky as he went to school to bid farewell with his crush. He finally found him in the library and was sitting all alone in the corner and read a thick book. When Chilly noticed Grey he began to growl slightly but as Grey came closer even Chilly, 'the cynical', could sense that something was odd. Chilly reluctantly let Grey sat beside him but still gave a piercing and cold glare.
"Hey, Chilly... I'm here... to bid you... farewell" said Grey with low voice but meant every last word. It felt like that he was confessing again.
It even surprised Chilly who was muted and gave a confused look on Grey. Something was definitely wrong and misdirected here.
"You... were the reason that I fell in love for the first time but you... didn't want me so... I created my own you and I'm really... glad with him. I'm going to join him in my own reality by sleeping into the arms of the Death. Lastly I thank you for make this choice available for me. Now... I have to go and join my own you... Farewell, Chilly" Grey gave Chilly a light hug and left without other wards than the mentioned ones. Chilly was in shock though but in the end didn't care.
Grey went straight home and surprisingly quickly found the sleeping pills which were hidden in the little closet in the bathroom. He took seven of them and was sure that it was going to be enough. He swallowed them all at once and laid himself on the bed and thought of the wonderful time he was going to have in his own created reality.
"I'm finally coming for you for serious, Chilly" muttered Grey for himself. The pills slowly began to take effect; he felt sleepy, smiled and shed few but happy tears. Finally the pills took the final blow and made him fall asleep for the last time.
The real dream started.
Grey found himself standing in a church where he saw that he was clothed in fine wedding suit. He was going to get married with Chilly, The chime of the wedding melody began and Grey looked back and saw Chilly in wedding suit as well where a great smile could be seen on his face. Grey smiled back and experienced the happiest moment of his life. The joy and happiness filled his whole being and he shook a bit.
_ "I pronounce you man and husband. You may now kiss" were the final words of the priest. Grey had waited for this moment for a very long time and now it was finally going to happen; the very first kiss of love of his life._
_ They leaned slowly towards each other and the last thing Grey felt was his muzzle against Chilly's own muzzle. The sensation of the greatest joy and happiness was now inside the dead heart of Grey_
_ He died happily._