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I wish I didn't have to change my life. Why was I a disgrace? Why did it matter who I loved? I can't believe this is how my life went down. But then again, it did turn out for the best. But it was one painful memory I could never forget...

~The Past~

"God dammit Brian..."

I mutter to myself. I peer through the tigers window and see him wearing custom necklace I made for him on his birthday. It said xZxBx. I ordered it online and put our initials of our first names on the necklace. My name was Zachary and his name was Brian, so I just put "x's" in it for no reason but he loved it either way. I even made his 'B' his favorite color -- purple. He's kept it for a while now and wore it all the time. Brian and I were close friends, he was one of the 'populars' at the school we attend; Christopher Baptist Church School. It was a catholic school, and I disliked it. Not only was because they hated gays, they forced me to hate them, as well; but I don't, since I'm one of them. I was hoping Brian would understand me, I really hoped.

I clutch the rose in my hand and bring it to my chest and sigh, he looked great. I've had a crush on Brian ever since we met, he didn't know but today was the day I would confess my love to him. I stand on the door step of his house and knock on the door. *Knock Knock Knock* I put the rose down to my side and try to restrain myself from running down the door steps. I peer through the window and see he's on the phone, he unlocks the door and gestures for me to come in. I was more than excited to open the door. My heart started beating quickly, I reach for the door knob but quickly pull my paw back. Was I really going to this? I looked down at my light grey paws and stare at them. I grit my teeth and with out hesitation, open the door. Yes, I am.

Brian's green-jade eyes look up at me, my heart skips a beat. 'Sup, Zack?" We walk down the hall and towards the living room. My eyes slowly adjusted to the dim light in the room, I realized that there was a small fire burning to one side of the wall, surrounded by a white sofa. We sat down, Brian grabs the remote to the TV, but before he could turn it on I snatch it from his hands reluctantly and toss it aside. "What the hell, Zack?" Brian said irritated.

"Before we do anything else I-" I choke on my sentence before I could finish it, my mouth felt dry. Brian's expression turns into confusion. I take a deep breathe and exhale in a long sigh. "I need to talk to you." I manage to blurt out.

"I... I..." I kept stuttering, I couldn't say it. My paws started shaking violently, I've practiced this moment for weeks and I couldn't get the right words out.

"What?" He crossed his arms asking me, annoyed by the fact it's taking me so long for me to say what I've been dying to say. That pissed me off so bad, I was trying to tell Brian how he really meant to me but here he is being an impatient asshole waiting for me to finish just so he could watch TV.

"I really like you dammit!" I yelled at Kyle. My emotions started overcoming me, I take grab the rose and hand it to him. My emotions started calming down. "I got these for you. I really lik - no, I really love you!" I've loved you ever since we meet and... and.. I can't hide it any longer! I try handing it to him but tears start rolling down my face. I felt weak, like my body would die out any second now. I look up and saw a disgusted expression on his face as he backed away from me.

"Oh my god.." He whispers backing away from me. I step forward and lean closer to him, hurt and confused.

"I'm not a fag, Zachary. I don't like you that way." His words stung me like a blade piercing through my heart.

"How could you say that to me?" I whimper.

"Y-You're a fag, you're not normal. I don't want to... I don't we think we sho-"

"How the hell could you say that?! We've known each other for a long time and you don't want to hang out with me because I'm ga-"

"You're a fag and you like me, but I don't and never will!" His words stung like a whip, my emotions started to overcome me again, but with anger.

"You're an asshole, Brian! We've been best friends forever how could you say that to me?!?" I start sobbing.

"And you're a homo, now get out of my house!" That was the final strike. I grab the rose and run out the door. Tears trickled down my face as the wind stung my face with force as I ran down the road as fast as I could. Out of all the times, it had to be raining today. My fur soaked as I ran through the neighborhood, I didn't even bother to look back. The inside of me that had once existed had died, the only thing that was left was an empty dark void of nothing. I felt a sharp pain go through my leg every step I took, it was agonizing but I didn't stop.

I got to my house and went straight to my room. My parents weren't home today ,they were busy at work. I locked the door and collapsed on my bed, crying. Why, why, why, why, why, why, why?! I can't lose my best friend, we've told each other everything.. and he just throws it all like that! FUCK! I scream into my pillow. "I hate him! I hate him! I hate him! I hate him! No... I love.... him.. Why?" My tears drowned me in my own emotions, deeper, and deeper, until I fell asleep. Sobbing into my pillow..

I don't want to go to school. I don't want to see that piece of shit, and he doesn't want to see me. I just want to stay curled up in my bed, cocooning myself with my bed sheets. He probably already told everyone of his friends, and probably my parents. If he tells the school, they'll kick me out, and my parents might disown me. I groan at the unfairness of it all. I just have to go to school, avoid Brian, and act like nothing happened. I get up and look in the mirror, I was a cluster fuck. He won't find the satisfaction in seeing me, but not fucked up like this. I force myself off my bed and look around my room. I grab an underwear from the top of my drawer and sniff it. Seems clean to me.. I throw it on quickly and go to my closet. I look through the countless shirts that seemed endless and throw on a red Nike shirt and grey skinny jeans.

I wasn't skinny, I was athletic. But I liked skinny jeans for some reason, it seemed like my style. I grab my keys and an apple and head out the door. I start my car and drive straight to school. I wonder if he told anyone else.. That asshole, I'll never forgive him. I turn up the radio to get my mind off of the incident. I liked driving with the music on, it's those moments when you're alone and you can sing at the top of your lungs without anyone telling you how bad you are.

I pull into the school's driveway and park my car. I felt pretty good after that, maybe today wouldn't be such a bad day after all. I walk into the school building and breathe in some of the fresh air. As I walk by, I heard snickers coming from the halls as I walked passed by. I turned and saw people laughing and pointing at me. Dammit Brian... I ignore them and head to my locker. I stared in disbelief. When I got there, the word "fag" was written in big red letters on my locker. My emotions started piling up again, I was having one of those moments when I'm exceedingly angry I could cry. Tears started forming but i fight them back and walk towards my class calm and act as if nothing happened.

Class went by like a breeze, school finally ended and I was happy. As if today weren't exasperating enough. I was so close to reaching the exit doors until I heard someone call my name. "Zachary!" I feel a shove from behind me and fall forwards. Why was I treated like this? What was wrong with being gay? I get up and look towards my offender. "Sorry fag, I didn't see you there." I recognized that voice, it was Brian. Anger started building up inside of me, again. "Like I've never had that one before." I said clenching my paws. I continued walking down the hall, then suddenly, out of no where, a fist came flying out of no where and hit me square into my gut which instantly made me fall onto my knees.

"Sorry, I didn't catch. What did you say, fag?" I wrapped my arms around my gut, pain was sheering throughout my whole body. I could hear Brian and his friends laughing as I struggled to get up. I then felt another punch, this time it had me square in my eye. My head slammed onto the floor as I yelped in pain. My head felt like it was splitting in half. A tear trickled down my cheek, why was this happening to me? My eye sight started to blur.

"Hey, Brian, let me." I heard one of his friends say. He ran towards me and kicked me straight in the rib cage. I gasped for breath but all I felt was agonizing pain. I started sobbing as tears endlessly rolled down my face while they punched my gut and kicked me on the sides. "That'll teach you for being a fag, go burn in hell. And here's your stupid necklace back." Brian ripped the necklace of his neck and threw it on my face, my vision was still blurred. The large group walked out the doors as I lay there on the floor, half covered in blood and tears. My salty tears burned my wounds, I cried until I couldn't cry any more. I needed to get home.

I struggled to get up, but managed to at least stand up and get a grip on myself. I stumbled from the exit doors and went straight to my car. I drove off the school premises and quickly got home. I went straight to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. No black eye, and just a few scratches, I was relieved. But my anger built up inside me, I wanted to release it but I couldn't. I limp towards my room and collapse on my bed. My body felt lifeless, I couldn't move it anymore. I just wanted to die. My heart began to pound as I closed my eyes tightly. Attempting to forget this day, but to no avail. I got up, went downstairs and got an ice pack from the freeze. I held it to my face and sides and went to bed. I laid there for a while, why did it have to be like this? I kept thinking. Why?...

I heard footsteps coming up the stairs. My door opened and I saw my parents standing in front of my room.

I was happy to see them, but I then remembered they should be at work. "What do you guys want? Shouldn't you be at work?"

"We have to talk, son." My father said in a menacing tone. Oh god, no, Brian, he didn't...

"Abo-About what?" I ask.

"Did you come on to Brian? Buy him flowers and ask him to... have s-"

"Oh gods, no! I didn't!

"Don't lie to me Zachary!"

"I'm not lying! Well I did buy him flowers but I didn-"

"So you were coming on to him?! What's wrong with you?!"

"I didn't come onto him! I just told him I loved him! Why is that so hard to understand/!?"

"You.. love him?..."

"Yeah, I d-"

"NO you don't! You're just young and confused, you don't know anything about love!"

"I'm not young dad! I'm 17 years old I know what love is! Why can't you accept the fact that I'm ga-"

"SHUT YOUR FILTHY MOUTH, DON'T YOU DARE FINISH THAT SENTENCE!" My dad said roaring at me. I was speechless. My own parents were homophobic assholes, too. I shove them out my room and lock the door. "Open the door this instant!" My mom said yelling at me. I ignore them and grab my backpack. I stuff in some clothes, my phone, my wallet, and everything else I might need.

"I'm never coming back!" I screamed as I open the window of my room and crawl out. I quickly get up and ran away from home. There was no where else for me to go, I was a lonely wanderer. There was no place to call home. All I could do was run. Run until I passed out. Run until I could find a new life.... Tears trickled down my face as I ran down the dark street way, clutching the necklace I had given Brian in my paw, not even bothering looking back.

~The Present~

*BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* My eyes shot open as I heard the loud sound coming from my alarm clock. I was breathing short, heavy breaths. Sweat ran down my face and paws as I was drenched in a cold sweat. I shivered and clutched my blankets while peering rapidly around my room just to make sure I was in bed. I sighed in exasperation and collapsed on my bed, it was just the memory, again. The room was oddly bright, I had forgotten to close the curtains again. I squint my eyes trying to ward of the filtered sunlight hitting my face, inevitably I opened my eyes and the suns light burned my retinas. I quickly shut them again. The pain.. all I could think of is the pain.

I look to my side and looked at my clock -- 6:16 am. I kicked the sheets of me and scrambled to get up. I was still sweating, my bed sheets were faintly wet. Weird. It was early September and the heat this early was already uncanny. I shook it off and went towards the shower, hoping it was just overheated. I turned on the steamy water and stepped into the warm water hoping to wash away the pain and agony from the painful memory. I looked at my ribs and limbs, remembering how Brian and his gang clawed and damaged them. They left a long scar on one of my sides, a scar that would stay with me forever, forcing me to remember the pain I had felt that very day. But on the bright side I did bulk up for the past 2 years, since I lived alone I decided to bulk up to protect myself. The results were as I wanted.

The water slowly warmed me, soothing the aching pain from my limbs and ribs. The wounds were still fresh even though it had been 2 years since that incident, and a day doesn't go by how I managed to settle on my own. Oh how I had wished things would have gotten better that day.

I grab a towel and start cleaning my fur. I wasn't used to showers since I was a wolf, my fur would always go all over the place. I wasn't a wolf with all out colors, my fur was just light grey with a tiny hint of black going from my neck down to my stomach. I had bright golden eyes that shimmered like the stars in the mists of darkness in the midnight sky. It was a weird mutation I guess since both my parents had black and brown eyes, I still never knew why I had such an odd eye color, but it made me unique and I loved them just the way they were.

I head towards my apartment room and look around. Today was the day I'd move out, today was the day I would start college. The college that accepted me gave me a financial opportunity to live in an apartment complex that would help me with financial problems. I was already late with the rent this month so moving to a complex closer to college would be a great deal, and they'd help me pay for it. But the only problem was that I'd have a roommate, which would mean no alone time for me.

I sigh and start packing. I lived in a fairly small apartment so it was no problem to get all my stuff and go. I packed every last of my property, got in the car and drove off. It was going to be a 6 hours drive, but as long as I got to get away from here.

I walk up the steps of the university, Canyon Springs University. The University was pretty big, as I anticipated. I walked through the large double-doors and made my way towards the Administration Office. "Name?" A large female deer asked. "Zachary Love" I answer. She rapidly typed my name into the computer and scrolled down to find my name. "Alright Zachary, you will be in apartment complex 'B' in room 0069. She handed me a slip of paper that had the information of my complex, where it was and my room number. "Welcome to Canyon Springs University and we hope you enjoy your next 4 years here." She told me with a smile. I nod my head and say a gently "Thank you" and walk out the office. Maybe this wasn't going to be so bad, maybe this will be a great 4 years for me.

I walk down the hall of Canyon Springs University. I saw a lot of people scattered around the school, just minding their own business or talking to their friends. I felt kind of lonely walking by myself, each corner I turned there were people in a group but I felt like I was the only one alone.

As I turned a corner, I heard a voice yell "Move it!" and immediately I felt a large, strong arm hit my side. My side then started burning as I saw it was dripped with a brown hot substance -- coffee. I yelp quietly in pain and see it was burning my scar, why did it have to burn there? I look up and see a large German Shepherd standing in front of me. I gulped, I was probably dead. "Watch where you're going dumb ass!" He pushed me aside and I hit the wall with great force. I concealed the pain and walked away. Before he left, I saw a drop of guilt in his crimson blue eyes, I shuddered and looked away.

I walked out the doors of the school and went straight towards my car. "What the hell was his problem? I examine the coffee stain and groan. This was my favorite shirt and now it's ruined. I frown and drive towards my new apartment complex. I walk down the rails and find room #0069. I find that it's fairly close to my car, so that was nice, I don't have to carry my stuff too far from here.

I open the door and find it to be pretty big, not that big but it was enough for 2 people. I grab my stuff and put it on the other side of the room, i noticed my roommate has already been here. I sighed and collapsed on my bed. I looked at my clock and saw it was 6:40 pm. My first classes started in 5 days, so I didn't have to rush. I took off my shirt that was stained with coffee and threw it to the side, revealing my chest and stomach. I looked at myself again, the past 2 years of working out really did come with a good price. I grab my phone and plug in the headphones and turn on my music. I lied on my bed staring at the ceiling. I dig into my pocket and pull out the necklace I had made for Brian years ago. Even though he didn't love me, I've kept it with me all these years. I put it on me and let it dangle a little.

Maybe this won't be so bad. In fact, this might be a new beginning for me. I just had to forget the past and get on with my life, I can't let the past drag me down. I closed my eyes and hummed to myself, clutching the necklace in my hand, allowing my imagination to take over.