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Chapter Two

"Do you still think about her?" I swallow hard. There're things I want to say and things I need to say. I want to say what will get me the most time with the wolf. I need to say what will keep me from feeling guilty along the way. The conflict of interest is literally going to kill me.

Hopefully he won't see my ears flicking with the dichotomy of feelings. I can't help that my most prominent feature is also the most expressive. I just hate that to feel like I'm not ignoring the problems at hand, I have to keep bringing up the fox that ruined the other night I spent with Keith.

The wolf is on his back, head hanging just over the edge as he lies parallel to the pillows. He looks over at me, appearing very plainly tired. The haze in his eyes is familiar. It speaks volumes to the pain he's in. "Of course." His eyebrows furrow and his expression softens, his ears flicking. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't. Especially when I'm spending time with you." The sentiment makes my heart flutter warmly. Then I immediately feel bad about that.

I shrug noncommittally. "Do you feel bad about being here?"

His eyes go wide. "Of course not!" Then guilty. "But--"

"But you think it's cheating." And I would say 'who wouldn't?' but I manage to keep that much down. It's not supposed to be an accusation. It's empathetic. I get it. I feel like I'm dragging him away from her as much as he feels like he's walking away from her. Things would be so much simpler if she wasn't a part of this.

Sterling. She's not even a bad person, I don't think. She's just with the wolf for the wrong reasons, and I can't believe he never thought the same. I promise that evaluation was objective the first time I made it.

Things just have a way of being emphasized by emotion...

He whimpers. I'm not wrong. I knew I wasn't. I haven't been very many times so far, and that's not a great thing. I wish I could be wrong a few times here and there.

"You said she walked out on you, Keith. What more do you--"

He snarls at me, "I don't want more of this!" Realizing who he raised his voice with, he calms some. "I just wish..." Sad sigh. "I wish I knew why. She's always complained but I don't know what changed." His eyes lose focus again, taking him miles away.

Suddenly I feel bad for being so close to him. For being a temptation. From here, it's like I can smell the conflict in his scent. He's already on my bed, and I swear I didn't take him to my bedroom with ulterior motives. He just asked if he could lie down after showing up at my door. It took a while for me to dial my mind back to a decent place as opposed to where it wanted to go.

You wouldn't believe how glad I am my eyes aren't still red from three days ago. "Do you want me to take your mind off from her?" My stomach flips just asking that question, let alone what it could mean. I tried to keep the sensuality out of it and keep it partial.

His eyes roll over to me, seeming heavier than they should be. "What did you have in mind?" His posture isn't much more than defeated, so honestly he probably isn't expecting me to make another power play like before.

And I don't. I move out of the chair I'd taken and inadvertently mirrored a therapist with and into my bed, starting at the end opposite of him. Slowly, I crawl on all fours towards him, looking into his eyes even as his look me up and down and try to figure out what I'm up to. Had he not called earlier today to say he was sorry, I would've been more likely to slam my door in his face. Because he did though, I feel less desperate when I crawl atop of him.

He looked cuddly, okay?! Or at least in need of someone.

So, straddling him (there's not many other ways to describe it, but at least we have clothes on), my tail waving behind me, I simply hover over him, looking for approval the whole time.

Slowly, a weak smile surfaces. I guess he gets what I'm up to, even though I have hardly any clue how to continue. "I guess I should try to move on a little, huh?" His ears fold, smile disappears. "Is it too soon?"

I sit on his thighs, far enough backward to keep from being overly sexual, especially since my small frame doesn't require much support to sit on him. "That is for you to decide. There's a lot of things it's too soon for, and what I said at the party is one of those things." He nods, one of his paws reaching for one of mine. I let him hold it. I don't squeeze back just yet.

He closes his eyes and is silent for a while. His thumb rubs at the back of my paw in a way I wish didn't feel so nice.

After a while, it stops. His eyes don't open again. As his breathing calms noticeably (I should know with these satellite dishes on my head), I finally realize he fell asleep with me. On him. Not with me. It didn't start this way. Oh geez.

Then I replay ways I could say that he fell asleep on my bed a few times in my head, giggling to myself unintentionally.

In any case, he seemed pretty tired when he got in here I guess. He didn't ask to lie down so he could sleep here...did he?

It can't...hurt to be a little bit selfish, right? I mean, if he couldn't even sleep without me here, then he wanted it too, right?

Shaking away the thoughts so that I don't for a second think that I'm in the right, I crawl up onto his chest, laying myself across him. His large, quiet form calmly lifts me and lowers me for a while as I watch his muzzle in his sleep.

Unlike I'd expect, he doesn't twitch or stir or even murmur. He's at complete peace. It makes me feel a sickening amount of happy, honestly. I can't tell if I'm the filler course before Sterling hops back on board, or if this is honestly happening with the intention of just being with me.

The thudding in my chest doesn't seem to care either way. I rest my head on him and close my eyes. Honestly, I couldn't sleep well since that night either.

***

_ Poke._

_ Poke._

_ Poke._

Gah, right in the side. I'm ticklish there--

Wait a second. Since when have I slept with someone else?

I yawn and stretch, sensations slowly coming back into focus.

First, I hear another heartbeat other than my own, my ears panning out and about and even catching someone else's breathing. Uh oh.

Second, I catch the scent of wolf. Pretty strong, not going to lie. Certainly unmistakable. Especially Keith's. Oh yeah...

Finally, I open my eyes, and Keith's are waiting for me.

I'm already blushing. "Oh. Did we..." Don't say yes. Or do. Please.

"Fall asleep together? Yeah." His ears fold. "You reminded me of her, and for a moment it was like..." He trails off, blushing his own way. Faintly but adorably. "I'm sorry." I don't feel horrible for being compared to a girlfriend. At least she's attractive, right? That can't be so bad.

Except that it leaves my own identity out of it. Oh well.

I yawn again, always a hard fox to stir. "What do you have to apologize for? You fell asleep under me, that's all. You okay?"

He nods, a paw hesitating a bit before brushing over my ears again. Damned if that won't work every single time. "Yeah. I'm fine. I'm sorry. Just haven't been sleeping much lately."

I haven't been either. "It's fine. I almost got off you, but..." But riding his chest as he breathes deeply is simply magical. But I felt like being selfish. But now I don't even know why I thought I'd regret it.

He grins at me. "Fair enough. We did slow dance and all." My heart flutters. Does he still have me signed up for this half-relationship thing? Maybe he's realized I'm treating him better than Sterling was. She up and disappeared on him, telling him she was fed up. I'd be more likely to be left than to leave.

It's also why he's constantly unsure of whether or not he's already with someone. I owe him respect for not wanting to cheat even in the midst of all the confusion. I also owe him my frustration and depression because of his manners. Maybe it's just the thought of him. I don't want him to feel responsible for me saying three little words of epic meaning.

In a way though, I guess I do.

He brushes over my ears again absently. "Sometimes I wish it was easier for me to just let it go." Three years though. That's not a light commitment. It literally puts him with her just as I was getting out of high school. I can understand why this is difficult. I just wish it wouldn't be. Wait, did he say sometimes?

"We should eat dinner." I pat myself on the back as I finally manage to do what I needed to do three nights ago: change the subject. He doesn't seem to mind, especially as he pulls out his phone to look at the time.

He brushes my ears one last time (I get the feeling he either likes how they feel or gets a kick out of the reaction it guarantees him) before saying, "Let me cook for us. I owe it to you, seeing as how I crashed on your bed and stuff."

I shrug. "You were only out an hour and a half." Then I want to slap myself. That's the opposite direction of where we want to go, you stupid fox! Let him cook for you!

He shakes his head, insisting, "No. I'm cooking for you. It'll be good for both of us." I can't dispute that. "Now the question is whether or not you'll be a good fox and get off of me."

I smirk. Left to a choice, I love to be the bad fox. "What, the big bad wolf can't get up like this?"

He growls low, just enough to send thrills up and down my spine and tail, and doesn't give me a second chance. He rolls over to put me on my back, holding down my paws as he looms. I've never been more terrified to be so turned on. I could imagine this going so many ways, but of course, he simply backs up and gets off from me, his point made.

Damn. When did these pants get so tight?

The fast beating of my heart isn't only my imagination as I eventually get up to follow him. The playful wagging of his tail tells me he enjoys bullying me.

Hell. I enjoy him bullying me.

Well...is that weird to say? Maybe not yet. Don't want to be caught thinking that way if I end up bruised or something though. He doesn't seem the sort to beat someone up though. Maybe that's why Sterling...?

Anyways, he sniffs out my kitchen and leads the way through my own house, asking on the way, "So you aren't the only one who lives here?"

"Nah. It's my parents' house. I just move in during summer when I'm working part-time. My mom doesn't let me pay rent even though my dad wants me to." I think my dad loves me just as much, but he's much more the sort to think I need to understand "independence" and the "real world" and all that crap.

He grins over his shoulder. As we reach the kitchen and he starts going through my fridge and cabinets and stuff, he asks, "So where are they at right now?"

I sit myself on a countertop, happy to watch him go. "Road trip. They borrow our neighbor's RV every summer and just drive as far as they please."

His excitement and furiously expressive tail make me yawn, and I decide I'm still not awake enough to finish the day out. I'd nap all day if I could. "That's pretty adorable, actually. My parents barely stuck together long enough for me to get out of the house."

I frown, but he doesn't seem to mind. He isn't even looking to see anyways. "Sorry to hear that." I never feel right listening to people talk about their households when they come from one less composed than mine. It makes me feel like I'm bragging.

He shrugs as he finally finds himself content with the things he found. "I probably owe them my creativity. I wrote a lot when they fought. I wanted to get stuck in my own world so I wouldn't need to think about this one." He looks over his shoulder again with a goofy grin. "Never thought it'd get me published when I was so young though."

I laugh with him for a while, reflecting on my cubhood. It wasn't bad overall. Really, my parents let me do what I wanted, and just supported whatever sports or games or whatever I wanted to try.

When they did fight, they'd sit me down and explain why they did, even though the words "mortgage" and "student loans" meant little to a cub. Even the internet did little to explain the amount of stress I watched as I grew into being a teenager.

In the gap of conversation, the wolf concentrates on whatever he's up to. There's plenty of cutting and other kitchen gourmet sounds, but I couldn't smell enough to know just what he was up to over there. I guess that's where my ears take on their specialization.

I yawn again and rub my eyes. This is why I shouldn't sleep during the day. I'll never wake up. "What are you cooking, anyways?"

He snickers at me. "My surprise and your delight, of course. You'll see."

I pout from my countertop. That's the kind of answer I'd get from my parents, too. No fair.

Eventually he's done cooking, which means he's out of time to tease me. When he turns around with two plates, I'm not even surprised to see all the delightful stuff he'd prepared out of what I'd thought was very little left around the house.

And somehow he found the bacon in the back of the fridge. I thought no one would find that.

As I take a bite of it though, I'm glad he did.

My ears twitch and I realize he'd said something to me. "I'm sorry, what?"

He smirks at me from across the table. "I asked you to enjoy, so I suppose there's no harm done."

I almost blush, but I think I manage to hold some of it back. I'm working on that. Don't want to always be the pink-eared one. He'll try his hardest to make me that way though. Maybe I'll develop some sort of tolerance?

But then, as they so often do, thoughts and questions return to me. I don't want to ruin this meal, but there's just things I need to know... I sigh, and when he looks up to see why, his ears immediately splay. Nothing needs to even be said for a while. I resume eating just a little bit, trying to work out phrasing--

"I cheated on her."

_ I want to be ignorant._

_ I want to say, 'Oh, but that nap wasn't cheating!'_

_ I want to be assured that since we haven't kissed, it hasn't meant anything yet._

But something about the look in his eyes, the second time today he's looked that way, tells me I'm not even close to right. "What do you mean?"

He sighs, and suddenly looks tired again. I notice, almost as though they weren't there before, literal trails of tear-matted that start at his eyes and go horizontally to the back of his head. "I cheated on her a little while back. She trusted me before that, and now..." he pauses just long enough to almost avoid breaking his voice, "now, I don't think she does."

I stand up only long enough to go grab glasses of water for us. He isn't eating much more, just resting his head on a paw. It's hard to deal with situations like this. I don't want to alienate him or scare him or hurt him. He's been hurt plenty already. "Why did you?"

And that question hurts. It's hard to even ask, and I know it's not any easier to answer. He's quiet for a while, probably trying to keep the sobs away. He resumes eating, probably just as hungry as I am. Maybe worse; I don't know how well he's kept up on himself lately.

We finish eating after a little while, and he looks less likely to burst into tears by the end of the meal. I clear the plates, and finally he admits, "I was curious, honestly."

I don't want to think of him as someone who cheats on a whim, especially if I really want to be with him. My heart is on a steady decline even after this wonderful afternoon, nosediving despite how hard I try to fish for an out. "Curious about what?"

I grab his paw and encourage more than pull him over to the couch in the room over. We sit in the evening light, little sound outside except for a few early crickets that never wait for the sun to go down around this house. Sunshine spills into this room at all hours of the day, so we never have lights on here.

I find myself glad, once again, that my parents are away. I can't think of many other places to have a conversation like this, especially as each time he speaks he raises my anxiety a few levels. I can't possibly go much longer without my heart giving out.

I have to take a deep breath to calm myself just so I won't break down on him instead. I took the opposite side as him, curling up onto the sofa so that I'm facing him. "Keith, I just don't want to walk into some--"

"I cheated on her with a guy. And...maybe worse than that, I don't regret it...anymore." My stomach is probably even smaller than before, for all the knots tied in there. Some part of my mind trying to stay humorous in this light mentions something about Boy Scouts.

I gulp, finally starting feel my reactions come through despite all my effort. "S-so...what does that uhm...mean?" I feel like a character locked in a movie, guided on senselessly by a script.

What happens next I constantly forfeit control of. He can say what he likes and I'll have to deal with it.

_ I could've moved on from him._

_ I could've kicked him out just before this._

_ I could've kept myself from saying--_

"I guess I just...like guys more. It wasn't an immediate...thing. Something just went missing, and I felt it again a few times around this one guy." I bite my lip. I can't help but feel this overwhelming unease, something telling me this isn't something I'm allowed to be okay with. Nothing about this situation feels comfortable. I'm a captive, incarcerated by his beautiful appearance and personality, punished endlessly by everything included to get there. God help me.

I've never seen him look so guilt-ridden, but then, I haven't known him very long. And clearly not long enough for this to be...

I sigh. Now I feel even worse about being here with him. He should be out either making up with her or finishing whatever is left off. I feel so off just to accept this. I...can't. No more.

At some point I'd forsaken looking at him, and when I try again, the tears in his eyes almost make me hesitate in what I say. Almost. "Keith, I...don't know what I can do with that." My own eyes well up as I nearly sob out the statement. I can literally feel the pain it sends both ways.

He nods. There's no use denying what he himself told me. At least he isn't so pathetic to try to justify it to me; or at least nothing past that first explanation why. I wouldn't listen if he'd said more.

To be fair, I'm sure he felt similarly a few nights ago. Maybe that isn't fairness though. To call it fair would mean we're even. I told him something that permanently changes our relationship, but so did he.

His establishes a pattern. His means that no matter how much we're enjoying one another, or perhaps how much I think we're enjoying each other, nothing between us is safe.

"I'm sorry." Keith makes to get up, and I don't stop him. "I'll show myself out." His tail is the most still I've seen in all the time I've seen him. It stays stuck to him as though glued.

I don't stop him.

_ I could_, but the prospect of cheating...

_ I could_, but when I think about all the hurt spread both ways already, I can't force myself to take on a part of that.

_ I could_, but I don't.

The door closes quietly behind him, though I can hear his footsteps faintly as he leaves. A few moments later, his car starts, and drives off.