FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

I woke up that Saturday afternoon when I heard the birds singing outside... Letting out a big yawn as I stretched my body while I had my eyes closed and moved closer towards him... "Hm... Never noticed how fluffy Blain really is..." I thought to myself when I threw an arm around him... And It took me a while before I realized I was hugging a pillow the moment I opened my eyes..."He didn't just leave me, did he...?" I looked around for a moment until I heard the toilette flush in the bathroom and Blain came in my room several moments later, wearing his boxers... He looked at me and gave a weak smile...

'Hey.'

'Hi, Blain...'

'Did you sleep well?'

'Yeah, I was out cold after last night...'

'Hehehe...'

Blain sat on the edge of my bed as he nervously twiddled his fingers while he averted his eyes and right that very second, I could tell that something was terribly wrong... He kept staring ahead in blank space as his thoughts carried him away... Seeing him like that made me doubt... And even though I was butt naked underneath the blankets and had no problem with being naked in front of him the night before, I couldn't help but to feel a little nervous when I saw him like that... I had no idea what caused it... But nevertheless, I kept myself covered up as my anxiety got the better of me...

'Is everything okay...?'

'Ceylan?'

'Hm...?'

'Did you really mean what you said last night?'

'What do you mean...?'

'About you being sexually attracted to me and... stuff?'

'Yeah... Every word...'

'Is that why you went along with it even though it totally goes against your own principles?'

'What's on your mind...?'

'Uhm...'

'It's okay, tell me...'

'I get the feeling you're just doing this for me and that I took advantage of you, took advantage of the situation... And it's gnawing on me ever since I woke up... It's not a pleasant feeling...'

'Heh...'

'It's because, well, uhm... It just doesn't feel right knowing it despite the fact that you want to do this... I just want you to be sure and somehow, I get the feeling that you're not... And I've never been so eager for someone to prove me wrong...'

'You feel guilty that we slept with each other...?'

'Uhm...'

'Because of "things" that happened long ago...'

'... Yeah.'

It stayed silent for a long time between the two of us as I sighed quietly... What the hell was I supposed to tell him...? That I left it all behind...? I never could... I just kept it hidden somewhere in order to move on... But there are times where it comes back to me... And it proved once more that it didn't just had an impact on me, but on others as well once they knew...

'Aren't you gonna say anything...?'

'What would you expect to hear from me, Blain...? That everything is fine...? That I managed to forget and that I have moved on like it never happened...? Is that what you want me to say...?'

'I just want you to be sure about what you're suggesting and what you really want from me... And if you really want to go through with all this...'

'I know all too well what happened, Blain...'

'And you're sure you still wanna go through with it...?'

Everything seemed so pretty straight-forward but in the end, it turned out to be a lot more complicated than I could ever imagine... But also because despite everything, it still had influence on my life... That's why being intimate with someone is so difficult for me... I realized being intimate with each other also had an impact on him... Simply because he knew everything... And it frustrated the hell out of me...

'What if I'm not sure about it, huh?! What if I told you that everything you and I ever did was a way for me to feel safe?! To have something stable, not constantly being fucked over by someone you trust the most?! Why'd you come up with that just now, huh?! Why didn't it gnaw on you last night, before you fucked me?! Why would you feel guilty all of a sudden?! Why now, after all these years, Blain?!'

'Hey, hey, calm down! I'm just saying, I-I mean...'

Blain bit his lip and sighed quietly as he averted his eyes once more... I swear, I was this close to break down in tears... But I was just so sick of everything... Sick of trying to explain and to constantly be reminded that even after so many years, it still had so much influence on my life and on those who knew what really happened... It stayed silent for a long time as I wiped my eyes and tried to hold back on the tears...

'I just... Uhm... I-I, uh... I'm sorry...'

'It's okay...'

'I don't know what I'm supposed to tell you... I don't want this to take over my life anymore...'

'I know...'

'And I'm not sure about a lot of things but... I just... Heh... I can't go on like this anymore, you know...?'

'What do you mean?'

'Just aimlessly looking around, thinking that I know what I want to find and expect it to be there when I think I've found it... But truth is, it's never there when I get to it... Just hollow promises, broken dreams and false expectations... But... We've been friends for more then fourteen years... And it's just... No one has ever put up with me for so long...'

'I see...'

'And I just want to keep that safe feeling you give me, you know...? You make me feel that I'm being loved... You make me feel what it's like to be in love...'

'But we're are not in love with each other, right...?'

'No, we're not...! But that's what makes it so different and so confusing because it always felt like that to me...! That's how you make me feel! And... It's the greatest feeling someone can ever make you feel...'

'Even when it's all just an illusion...?'

'I'd rather feel happy living in a dream than constantly being reminded of things that happened many years ago...'

Blain sighed quietly and closed his eyes for a moment... I had no idea what I was asking from him... Things were difficult enough for me as it were and here I was, complicating things even more by involving him... But I wasn't realizing that at the time... I was too busy to try and keep the illusion alive... I looked at Blain but he was staring in blank space again, thinking things through... So I kept looking at him until he finally faced me again..

'This is what I meant when I told you that it is so much more to me than just sex... It's just... It's just the way you make me feel...'

'Heh...'

'So, uhm... Trust me when I say you're not taking advantage of the situation or taking advantage of me in any way... I know it might not feel right to you simply because you know what happened... But nevertheless, it does feel right to me... And I'm not sure what things will be like for us in the future... But you've once told me to live for today... To enjoy the little things you have and stop worrying over things you can't change...'

'Yeah...'

'And I can't change what happened to me, Blain... Neither you or me can change that... But whatever happens, we shouldn't let it get to us... A-And it's okay, I-I mean, I understand if it makes you feel uncomfortable and that you don't want to go through with this... And maybe... Maybe we both made a mistake by doing this...'

'It doesn't feel like that to me...'

'But you're not comfortable with it either...'

It stayed silent for a long time again as the two of us weren't facing each other... So many thoughts went through my head that afternoon, so many questions I didn't know the answer to... And by the looks of it, neither did Blain...

'I still don't fully understand what you're trying to accomplish by doing this... It's just so unlike you...'

'I already told you... It's the way you make me feel that makes me want to do this...'

'Yeah but why...? I mean...'

'I don't know... Maybe... Maybe it's always been a way to deal with the things that happened to me...'

'So why would you do that...?'

'Hm...?'

'Why would you do the exact same thing that caused it in the first place...?'

'Because... Being intimate with you reminds me that they have nothing in common with you... So many things were taken away from me... But you gave back everything I lost over the years...'

'Heh...'

'And that's why I want to do it... To keep the things you've given me and never let anyone take it away from me ever again... Simply because it makes me feel safe...'

It stayed silent for a long time again... Such an uncomfortable, awkward silence... I couldn't expect him to understand why I wanted this... But it has to come from both ways in order to make things work... But that Saturday afternoon, I wasn't too sure if I still wanted to go through with the things I came up with, judging by his reaction... He didn't seem to have a problem with it the night before... But I've been there too, you know... Doing something you think feels right but doubting your actions afterwards... It's fucked up to realize things afterwards, knowing you can't change it or undo the things you did... So I understand the way he felt about it... It's something I didn't held against him because I knew all too well how he felt that Saturday afternoon... So we weren't looking at each other afterwards until Blain broke the silence...

'Listen... I think its best if you think things through first and see if you still feel the same about it in two weeks from now, okay...?'

'What about you...?'

'I think we both really need to rethink this through...'

'Okay... I understand...'

'Alright...'

Blain picked up my panties and bra from the floor and handed them over to me. He gave me a weak smile before he averted his eyes from me just so that I could put them on... Once I did, I sat on the edge of my bed, staring down at the floor...

'I thought we both wanted to, you know... But right now, I'm actually doubting if it was the right thing to do...'

'Yeah... So do I...'

'I don't know if I can pretend that nothing ever happened...'

'You don't have to, you know... Talk about it...'

'I honestly don't think there's much left to talk about... But you're right... We really need to think things through first... But I just thought we already did...'

'Hm...'

'Heh... I guess that wasn't enough...'

'It'll be alright...'

'Hm... Do you think we should've given it more time...?'

'Maybe... I mean, it was rather impulsive...'

'I've always been the impulsive one...'

'Yeah, like the time you went out to buy those Nikes.'

'Nikes?'

'Remember? You wanted them so bad you bought them straight away but they were on sale at Kix Outlet.'

'Hehe, oh yeah...'

'Still can't believe you paid seventy five dinar for a pair of shoes that were on sale for thirty...'

'Yeah, yeah, yeah...'

'I'm surprised your not broke yet.'

'Haha, you know I'm always broke...'

'Hm... Come on, let's go out... I'll buy your broke ass some lunch.'

'Hehe... Sure thing...'

Blain and I went out that Saturday afternoon. Went to a little café where we had lunch together and we talked about it again once the two of us were alone. I really had difficulty to talk about it at first but Blain is the kind of guy who can turn an awkward situation in a lot less awkward conversation. And it felt really good to be able to talk to him about it, you know...? I think it really did me good because we didn't just talk about the things that was bothering us but also about the things we really liked from each other. So to be short: We both came to the conclusion that things went way too fast for us by having a one-night stand with each other. Blain thought he could go along with it but it proved to be a whole lot more difficult for him than I imagined. The idea was to keep things casual between the two of us and that certainly worked when it happened. But the things that happened afterwards were a lot harder to deal with. My problem was that I never knew for sure if I could ever pretend that nothing ever happened... To move on just like that without having any feelings for him... His problem was that he didn't felt comfortable to live with the idea that he had sex with me, just plain and casual... By keeping it casual and meaningless made him feel he took advantage of the situation, took advantage of me for knowing what happened many years ago... It made him feel as if he talked me into it, just to satisfy his own needs. I knew exactly from the beginning where I was getting myself into, so that wasn't something that was on my mind. But he didn't just tricked me into it, simply because he's not like that. But in the end, it made me realize that I had to deal with this from the source, like most problems... The cause of what made us feel insecure about having sex with each another... I always told that others had to take away all of my doubts and fears... But now I had to take his doubts and fears about me away if it was ever going to work between us... I just had no idea how I was ever able to do so...

As the days passed by, Blain and I kept hanging around and even though things were strange at first, we still managed to keep things the way they were. Sometimes, whenever the two of us were alone, we talked about that particular night we shared together. We talked about how we felt and everything and it was nice to have a serious conversation about it. But it was a really enjoyable experience and I think we weren't afraid to let each other know we really enjoyed one another that night... And that's how we managed to move on, by just talking about it until we both understood each other. But nevertheless, that didn't solve my problem... And I knew I had to, one way or another, in order to make this work between us...

One day, on a sunny warm Tuesday's afternoon, I came home early in the afternoon from college. And sometimes, on days like these, I went outside, sit somewhere quiet and just write in my diary... I still do up to this day to make me feel better and to get things off my chest whenever I was facing problems or difficulties. So I went to the park and sat on a bench near the playground. It was such a beautiful day and I heard the birds singing in the trees... I took my flip-flops off and wiggled my toes in the cool grass... Just up ahead was an elementary school, the same I used to go to when I was little... I saw an old meerkat lady feeding the ducks with her little grandson near the pond and the two of them seemed to have the time of their life... It didn't take long before they were surrounded by cute fluffy little ducklings... The little guy had a huge smile on his face when those little ducklings approached him... I watched them from a distance for a while and at some point, the two of them made their way to an ice-cream stand not too far from me... Once she bought an ice-cream for her grandson and herself, they made their way out of the park... It really turned a smile on my face when I saw them... It reminded me of what I used to do with grandma Jaisyaram when I was little...

I got a pen and my diary from my handbag, found a blank page and I just started writing... It wouldn't have mattered if anyone was watching me... Nobody was able to read it unless they know Urdu... But it felt so liberating, you know...? Writing about everything that happened that night and how wonderful it was... Wrote how I felt about it and everything I wanted... Pretty much all the good things... But also all the bad things that came before... That it wasn't just affecting me but him as well... And what it really did to us... That I wanted to find a way to deal with things that happened long ago and even though I tried to forget, somehow, it always found a way to come back... It wasn't the first time I wrote about it... It helps to make it go away for a while until it comes back... But I wasn't able to change it... That's what made me feel so powerless... And that's what has been on my mind all along... But also about how the two of us should move on and what the future might hold in store for us...

I started to notice more and more people coming to the park with little kids at some point. I suppose school was out, judging how excited they all were... Kids from all different ages came to the playground and started playing with each other and having the time of their life. And it's great to see them so carefree and enjoying themselves... But there was this little Cheetah girl who stood out from all the other kids... I think she was maybe five or six years old or something... She had gold orange fur covered in spots and cute little freckles on her snout... Her long brunette hair tied up in a ponytail... Big blue eyes and cute fluffy ears... Absolutely adorable... But the reason why she stood out was because the clothes and shoes she had on her looked pretty worn out... She sat down on a see-saw all alone not too far from the bench where I was sitting on when all the other kids seemed to have ignored her... Nevertheless, she seemed content judging the way she was playing by herself... So I kept watching her for a while... All of a sudden, she looked up, as if she remembered something and took a two dinar coin from her pocket. The little girl jumped off the see-saw and ran towards the ice-cream stand and pointed at an ice-cream that was displayed on a poster. When she handed the ice-cream vendor that two dinar coin, it turned out it wasn't enough for her to buy an ice-cream. The little girl pointed at several other ice-creams displayed on that poster but it seemed that every ice-cream costed a lot more than she had with her. She looked very upset when she realized she couldn't buy an ice-cream and slowly made her way back to the see-saw again... The little girl sat on it and her lips were trembling a little, as if she could cry any second... She just looked so sad and so lost... And I just couldn't help but to feel sorry for her after witnissing that... So I packed my things and walked up to her, got out my wallet and handed her a five dinar bill... She looked very surprised when I did and just stared at me with those big eyes of her... All I did was smiling right back at her as I did my best not to look creepy...

'Here, take this... Now you can buy any ice-cream you'd like...'

She kept staring at me with those big eyes and hesitated to actually take the five dinar bill I was handing over to her... But I just kept smiling at her...

'It's okay...'

She took the bill and looked down at it with big eyes again... And then she just looked right back at me again and handed me her two dinar coin...

'No, no, that's yours... You should keep it...'

'Really...?'

'Yes...'

Nevertheless, she kept sitting on the see-saw, staring at the five dinar bill I gave her and every once in a while, looked at me, as if she had no idea what to do... So I reached my hand out to her and smiled...

'Come on, let's go buy an ice-cream together. I sure could use one as well!'

She hesitated for a moment but then she took my hand and we made our way to the ice-cream stand... I asked her which one she wanted and she pointed at a Magnum... It was the cheapest one he had but it was still two dinar fifty... It's a fucking rip-off, I can tell you that.. Anyway, I got myself a Cornetto and that little girl was about to hand over that five dinar note and her two dinar coin but that's when I changed my mind and got out my wallet to pay for it instead. She looked at me with those big eyes again and just stared down at the money she was holding, not knowing what she was supposed to do with it... When she looked up again, she wanted to give me that five dinar bill back...

'That's yours to keep. Then you can buy another ice-cream tomorrow.'

When the vendor handed me the ice-creams, I opened the package of her Magnum and gave it to her... And again, she hesitated to take it... But once she did, she looked at me with those big eyes again and a genuine smile appeared on her face... I kept smiling at her and made my way back to the bench where I got out my diary and wanted to continue where I left off... The little girl went back to the see-saw and sat on it, enjoying every little nibble she took from her ice-cream. I looked up again after a short while and saw that she was still looking at me... When I smiled, she smiled right back at me again... I continued writing my diary afterwards and was so caught up with it that I didn't notice she sat down next to me a little while later... I snapped out of it the moment she gently nudged my arm and when I looked at her, she stared at me with those big eyes again...

'Thank you...'

'You're welcome! How's your ice-cream?'

'Tasty...! And really cold...'

'Hihi...'

'How is your ice-cream...?'

'It's really good. I like these little chunks of hazelnut but they do get stuck between your teeth.'

'Yes! Chocolate just melts in your mouth when it gets stuck!'

'Do you have any other favourite ice-cream?'

'Hmmmm... No, not really... I like every ice-cream!'

'You know, there once was an ice-cream parlour called Giuseppe's who really made the best ice-creams in the world.'

'Oh?'

'Hm-mm. I used to go there all the time when I was little but sadly, it closed down two years ago.'

'What did it taste like?'

'Uhm... Imagine the taste of the best ice-cream you've ever had...'

'Uh-huh...'

'Are you imagining it?'

'Yes!'

'Then multiply it by a MILLION!'

'Wow!'

'I know, right?! Hihi...'

When I looked around, I noticed a woman just up ahead keeping an eye on us... She seemed too old to have been her mother and it's unlikely that she was her grandmother, considering she was a poodle... She saw me buying an ice-cream for that little girl and that I was talking to her... The little girl smiled and waved at her and that woman smiled and waved right back at her...

'Do you know who that woman is...?'

'That's misses Rousseau, my teacher!'

'Oh, I see.'

'I'm not allowed to get out of the playground after school is over.'

'Oh...? Then where is your daddy now...?'

'My daddy had to go to this office where they like to ask him questions.'

'What do you mean?'

'Uhm... He needs to write something about the things he is good at and what he likes to do and then they ask him questions.'

'And then what?'

'If he answers right, he'll be meeting some other people and if he answers their questions right, he'll get to stay there to work!'

'Ooooh, you mean an unemployment office...?'

'I think so... He's there a lot...'

'Did he lose his job...?'

'Yes! He said it was because of the rese... Recisin... Resu...'

'Recession?'

'Yes!'

'Oh, I see...'

'So I need to stay here until he gets back.'

'And there's nowhere for you to go...?'

'Look! I have a watch! When the hour hand is at the four aaaaaaaand the minute hand is at the twelve, I need to go inside the school with misses Rousseau! And if the minute hand is at five and the hour hand at twelve, misses Rousseau takes me to her home! And then my daddy will pick me up at her house when he gets back!'

She kept looking at me with those big eyes and with that genuine smile on her face... She's such a wonderful girl... So full of life and yet I can't imagine what could possibly bring her in a situation like this... I looked at her and she stared right back at me with those puffy cheeks and her mouth covered in chocolate... It really turned a smile on my face when I saw her like that...

'So uhm... What about your mommy...? Where is she...?'

'Mommy is up there, in heaven.'

'Oh...?'

'I've never met her but I would really like to! My daddy shows me pictures of her and tells me about her every night when I go to bed!'

'Heh...'

'And do you know what she likes best?'

'What does she like best...?'

'Walking! That's what I like as well! Sometimes, my daddy takes me to the forest or the beach where we go for a walk!'

'That sounds wonderful...'

'It is! I sometimes talk to her but she never says anything back to me. But that's okay, because daddy says that she'll always listen to me!'

'Heh... Yes, she'll always listen to what you have to say... Because my mommy does that too whenever I talk to her...'

'Your mommy is in heaven too?'

'Hm-mm...'

'Do you think they're friends?'

'I like to think that they are, yes...'

'And they'll have ice-cream together and talk to each other!'

'Hehehe...'

'Just like we do!'

'Yes... Just like we do...'

'Does your mommy ever say anything back to you...?'

I looked at her and swallowed a chunk that got stuck in my throat... I averted my eyes for a moment as I scraped my throat... But then I faced her again and smiled...

'You just need to listen and close your eyes whenever you talk to her... Then you'll hear her... Not with your ears, but with your heart... She'll always be with you as long as you remember her... And she'll be there for you to either guide you through or to provide comfort when you need it the most...'

'Oooh... Do you still see her...?'

'No... But I can whenever I close my eyes and think about her...'

'Really...?'

'Yes...'

'But why can't I see my mommy...?'

'You can, sweetheart... You just can't see her like the way we are looking at each other...'

'Do you know why they've left us...? Didn't they like us...?'

'No, kitten... Sadly, I don't know... There are a lot of unfair things happening in the world that you and I can't change... But I know your mommy loves you dearly... But sometimes, things happen that aren't fair at all...'

'Oh...'

'But what I do know is that we'll both see our mommy's again one day... To know that we wait for that day gives us hope to go on... That's what we call in my culture "Gortoz 'a ran"...'

_'_What does it mean?'

'It means "I wait"...'

'Just like I'm waiting for daddy right now?'

'Yes... We all wait for someone or something that give meaning to our lives as we make a difference in other people's lives... Some people are waiting for you... And sometimes, you wait for others...'

I looked at her and smiled when she seemed a little puzzled with the things I just told her... She kept staring ahead but didn't grasp the meaning of it... She's way too young to understand... She took a bite from her ice-cream and kept thinking about it while she was chewing... And all of a sudden, she looked at me with those big eyes again having a huge smile on her face...

'Oh, I get it!'

'Hehe...'

'It's like waiting for the ice-cream truck to come by!'

'Haha, yes!'

'I can wait forever because there's no ice-cream truck riding down the street where I live!'

'Hehe, you really like ice-cream, don't you?'

'Yes! You do too, right?!'

'Haha, oh yes.. What's your name, kitten?'

'My name is Anna! What's yours?'

'I'm Ceylan...'

'Nice to meet you!'

'It's very nice to meet you too, Anna...'

We kept talking for another while about all sorts of things... I just kept her company as her teacher and several other adults kept an eye on all the kids playing at the playground... We continued to talk about her favourite toys and cartoons and all that... At some point, Anna stopped in mid-sentence and looked up ahead... And all of a sudden, she yelled for her daddy and ran up to him as fast as she could... Anna literally jumped in the arms of a fairly young Cheetah guy with similar colour and spot patterns as Anna... No doubt that was her father coming to pick her up... He picked her up, held her close and kissed her cheeks as Anna was talking to him, showing her ice-cream to him and then pointed at me... The guy looked at me over his glasses and smiled... I think he was a rather young guy, probably around his early thirties or something... Anna kept talking to him as he carried her and made their way to me... Her father puts her down and sat down next to me on the bench ... Anna threw her ice-cream stick in the bin next to the bench once she finished it...

'Honey, why don't you go play for a little while longer?'

'We're not going yet?'

'No, not just yet, sweetheart.'

'Yaaaay! I'm going to climb the monkey bars!'

'Be careful, alright?'

'Yeeeeeah!'

And then she ran off again to climb the monkey bars... I kept looking at her and smiled when I saw her so worked up and care-free...

'You've got such a wonderful girl...'

'Yeah, she really is... Quite the chatterbox too...'

'Hehe...'

'She told me everything.'

'She did?'

'It's a really nice thing you did for her.'

'Oh, well... It's nothing, really, I mean...'

'It might not seem much to you but it meant the world to her... Random acts of kindness are rare these days.'

'Hm...'

'You've put a well needed smile on her face today... It's so great to see her smile when things are difficult enough for her as it is... '

'Yeah...'

'It's really good to see her like this...'

The guy kept staring at his little daughter as a smile appeared on his face and his eyes started to get a little soggy... It really touched me...

'Are you alright...?'

'Yeah, yeah, it's just... Anna said she talked to you about it...'

'She did, yeah... '

'Heh... Anna never met her... Her mother passed away when she gave birth to her... And things have been very difficult ever since...'

'Heh...'

'She looks a lot like her, you know...? Even has her mother's smile... Sometimes I just look in Anna's eyes and I can see her mother's reflection staring right back at me...'

'Hm... I can imagine it's not easy being a single father...'

'No, it's far from being easy...'

'But from the things she told me, you sound like a wonderful father to her...'

The moment I said that, I saw how his eyes were twinkling as a genuine, sincere smile appeared on his face as he looked at his daughter... As if those words meant the world to him... To know that even though all the odds were against them, he did a good job taking care of his daughter and that it was the only thing that mattered to him... Just a reassurance, to know that he did right... And I can honestly say that I was really moved when I saw that...

'She's everything to me, you know... And even though I don't have much, every bit of energy and every penny that I have goes to her... Sometimes I'm just wondering how I'm ever gonna make it through... But one way or another, I need to because she's depending on me...'

'How'd you managed to move on after, uhm... If you don't mind me asking...?'

'My mother once told me that we can't change the direction of the wind. But we can adjust our sails and steer ourselves to whichever destination we want to reach. It's something I hold on to ever since simply because it gives you hope that one day, things will get better...'

It took a moment to let his words sink in... But once it did, I couldn't help but to smile... It's strange how a small conversation with a stranger can have such effect on you... It moved me for sure, I can tell you that... But his spirit wasn't broken just yet... Somehow, somewhere, he found the strength to move on because his daughter depended on him... At some point, he looked at me and smiled as I smiled right back at him...

'Buying her an ice-cream might not seem much to you but you gave her so much more than that... Just one small, insignificant gesture can make a huge difference to someone...'

'That it does, yes... But that doesn't necessarily make it any easier...'

'No one ever said it's easy. But adversity smiles down on all of us. All we can do is to smile back.'

'Heh...'

'So thank you...'

'No... No, thank you...'

He smiled right back at me and got up from the bench... He called his daughter as he walked towards her... Anna jumped off the monkey bars and ran to her dad... He picked her up and gave her a firm cuddle and a kiss on the cheek... Anna took his hand after he puts her down again and the two of them looked back at me, having a smile on their faces as Anna waved at me... I waved right back at them with a smile on my face... And her father was right... It really was wonderful to see...

I couldn't sleep that night when I was in bed... It kept me busy simply because I never imagined how a random act of kindness can have such an influence on someone... Anna seemed like a very sweet young girl who's going through difficult times... Not just her, but her father as well... Seeing how the two of them were staying afloat was inspiring, to say the least... But what kept me busy the most were his words... _"We can't change the direction of the wind. But we can adjust our sails and steer ourselves to whichever destination we want to reach. Adversity smiles down on all of us. All we can do is to smile back."_All these years, I was looking for answers while I already had them all along... A simple spark and words of inspiration was all it took to make me realize... I wasn't able to change the things that happened in the past , no matter how muchI wanted to... How was I able to find answers by dwelling in the past when I neglected the present...? By doing so, I forgot the most important... All of sudden, it didn't make any sense and I began to wonder why I ever did in the first place... I could make a change for myself... Things from the past didn't haunt me because it happened... It haunted me because I let it happen...

It's funny because they thought I helped them with that one random act of kindness while I didn't realized its impact... I never expected anything in return and yet they gave me something no one was ever able to... And I suppose this is what _Gortoz 'a ran_truly means... Someone waits for you to make a difference, no matter how small and insignificant it might seem... And sometimes, you wait for others if you're willing to wait long enough... But they can make all the difference there is to your life... I can't say how much it touched me that day... I don't really know how to explain it... Like something reached down inside me and touched my very soul... A spark of hope, if you will... For many years, I thought that I was shackled... But all of a sudden, I realized I never had any shackles in the first place... I was the one who put those on myself... But I was also the one who was able to remove them... No longer was I going to let it take over my life... I was in control and I was going to steer myself in the direction I wanted to go... I looked at the locket my parents gave me a long time ago and knew Blain was right all along... I knew it was going to be difficult... But I had to, if I ever wanted to make a change for myself... I had to find answers for myself, now more than ever...